I am in a highly destructive self-improvement kind of mood
like I just want to throw stuff, shatter things, injure myself, out every messed up thing about me to everyone I love, and make my life into an empty living hell so I can toughen up enough to snap out of all this, finally be normal again
I just hate who I am now. I hate her so much. She isn’t really me and it’s obvious, yet I can’t make her go away. No one wants to talk to me anymore, I can feel it in people’s tones, they want the old ella back, but I can’t find her. I’m nothing.
I feel so useless. Everyone my age is already so accomplished and skilled and any improvement seems so far away.
Dude I’m 20 and still wondering if I’ve ever accomplished anything worthwhile. I think it’s safe to say that you’ll be alright.
Nah, Nutella, that ain’t the way to do it. I love you as you are, though I won’t deny that you can and should improve as a person. But so can everyone.
Hhhhhhh I went to the library and got books and my dad went through my bag and took the two gay ones. I managed to cover my ass (I think) and I'm not getting in trouble but I'm still shaky and it feels like there's a fist gripping my heart and squeezing and I'm terrified that I'm going to get in trouble somehow and I feel like I'm gonna cry and…and this is probably too much and I don't know. I just don't know.
Not gonna lie, I hate your parents a little bit.
Yeah me too. I'm still shaky and it's been like five minutes and my heart feels funky and is this anxiety??? I really hate this someone make it stop
Although I did get away with keeping an Adam Silvera one, so I'm happy. Also the third book of ADSOM
That is super scary, I'm super sorry bb :(
I can be your dad now, you want me to be your dad? Or even just like your encouraging older sister who slips you gay books
Yeah but I know that exact feeling you described. Its really scary, I'm sorry.
That is super scary, I'm super sorry bb :(
I can be your dad now, you want me to be your dad? Or even just like your encouraging older sister who slips you gay books
Yeah but I know that exact feeling you described. Its really scary, I'm sorry.
:( Thank you
Yes thank you, perfect. You can adopt me :P
Yeah. It's getting a little bit better but like…I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? And I don't know what to do?
Although I did get away with keeping an Adam Silvera one
Ooh, which?
More Happy Than Not
Noice
Yeah. I read Infinity Son and They Both Die at the End already (They Both Die at the End made me so sad!! I cried so damn hard it was really good) so I'm hopeful that I'll like this one. It's also the only gay-ish one to survive The PurgeTM so there's that
That is super scary, I'm super sorry bb :(
I can be your dad now, you want me to be your dad? Or even just like your encouraging older sister who slips you gay books
Yeah but I know that exact feeling you described. Its really scary, I'm sorry.
:( Thank you
Yes thank you, perfect. You can adopt me :P
Yeah. It's getting a little bit better but like…I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? And I don't know what to do?
It is done
There's nothing you can do except make sure you don't have anything incriminating on your phone or other devices and just try and relax. The feeling will pass and until it does there's nothing you can really do. If you can't relax on your own try and do something distracting
That is super scary, I'm super sorry bb :(
I can be your dad now, you want me to be your dad? Or even just like your encouraging older sister who slips you gay books
Yeah but I know that exact feeling you described. Its really scary, I'm sorry.
:( Thank you
Yes thank you, perfect. You can adopt me :P
Yeah. It's getting a little bit better but like…I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? And I don't know what to do?
It is done
There's nothing you can do except make sure you don't have anything incriminating on your phone or other devices and just try and relax. The feeling will pass and until it does there's nothing you can really do. If you can't relax on your own try and do something distracting
:D
Yeah. I'm already super careful about my phone (I use private browsing for Notebook) and I unfriended my mom on Goodreads so she can no longer see my reviews, where I use curse words and talk about LGBTQ stuff, so…I don't think there's anything else I can do. And I don't get downtime to calm down because we're going somewhere, which makes me anxious anyways, and ugh
What other books didn't make it?
What other books didn't make it?
The Black Flamingo by Dean Atta and The Friend Scheme by I forget who. Nothing I was super duper excited about, so that's good I guess, but still. I'm lucky, because both books had cool covers and so I was able to sue the excuse of "oh it had such a cool cover so I added it to my holds without reading the description" but yeah
What other books didn't make it?
The Black Flamingo by Dean Atta and The Friend Scheme by I forget who. Nothing I was super duper excited about, so that's good I guess, but still. I'm lucky, because both books had cool covers and so I was able to sue the excuse of "oh it had such a cool cover so I added it to my holds without reading the description" but yeah
Massive F
I'm going to try and snag a copy of Iron Heart by Nina Varela, should be pretty easy since it's coming out on my first day of school. I can probably get my dad to take me to get it, and tbh I could probably buy, like, straight-up erotica and he wouldn't even notice. He's not a reader.
What other books didn't make it?
The Black Flamingo by Dean Atta and The Friend Scheme by I forget who. Nothing I was super duper excited about, so that's good I guess, but still. I'm lucky, because both books had cool covers and so I was able to sue the excuse of "oh it had such a cool cover so I added it to my holds without reading the description" but yeah
Massive F
I'm going to try and snag a copy of Iron Heart by Nina Varela, should be pretty easy since it's coming out on my first day of school. I can probably get my dad to take me to get it, and tbh I could probably buy, like, straight-up erotica and he wouldn't even notice. He's not a reader.
Yeah
Nice!! Oof lucky. My parents don't watch with an eagle eye like they used to, but it's still kinda bad
i
am tired of being tired
what a funny thing to be
everytime i see those images in IG
you know, the ones that go smth like
when they say "i'm tired" they mean:
[insert a bunch of things they mean to say]
i like
relate to them way too much
i'm tired
of being tired
also i really fucking hate feelings
like
can they go die in a hole already?
i hate relationships and how messy they are
i hate how i always isolate myself when i'm feeling bad bc i don't wanna bother anyone and if i'm being honest
there's only like one or two people who i'll openly vent to (sometimes) on discord nowadays
and sometimes
sometimes the very act of being on discord tires me out so so quickly
and music makes me think too much sometimes
i just want to
stop existing
and have no memories
and just
be
nothing to worry about
i
really really fucking hate being alive sometimes
ahhh sorry for the big wall of text i just
didn't really know where to put this anymore
i don't like to vent on discord anymore
i
hate
life
(and depression)
Welp. F. Don’t die. Keep living. Look for new ways to really feel life.
Guys I wrote over 1,000 words today and I'm gonna do it again tomorrow, mark my words
Fanfiction drives me to do great things
And it's Cavendish's birthday tomorrow, so I'm gonna spend all night figuring the plot to that fic out
Guys I wrote over 1,000 words today and I'm gonna do it again tomorrow, mark my words
Awesome! I got some decent work done today too!
