Hi, I'm back…
After reading all of these super inspirational messages that I honestly really needed, I swear, I'm crying right now, but don't worry, they're happy tears. Every now and then, I forget that I mean so much to certain people and I just- it overwhelms me with this happiness that lasts only so long, and extends only so far, but it's worth it to remember that I still have something to live for. That I have someone to live for. However, reading all of these messages, and having this happiness comes at a cost - at some point, the happiness will pass and I get sad. And that's just happened, and suddenly I can't remember why I was so happy. There are tears in the corners of my eyes, and I don't remember why they're there. Well, I do, but it's like a dull memory at the back of my brain. I remember the reasons, but they don't spark the same emotions they did when I first remembered those reasons. And then my body grows cold, and then I start crying again, inside. The tears don't flow from my eyes, but inside my body, they are. (Not literally) And this time these tears aren't happy ones anymore, they're ones of sadness, and then I can't remember why I'm sad anymore.
This- this scares me. I've never written down this experience before, and seeing it all written down, and comprehending the full extent of this experience, that happens over, and over, and over again- it just- it scares me so much. It makes me question myself, what is wrong with me? Why does this happen to me? What went wrong that I have to go through this every single fecking time? What did I do to deserve a short, five second burst of happiness, only to be thrust back into depression once more? Because before the burst of happiness, I'm already sad, upset, maybe. Either way, I had a bad day, and then the inspirational messages. Reading them, taking them all in makes me feel better, but then the cycle sets in, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
But back to being scared. Ugh, just when I was starting to feel better, I started remembering the cycle again- that's what I'm going to call it, the Cycle, and then I got scared again. I got cold again. And I'm still cold, and still scared. What's wrong with me? That's the question I'm asking myself over and over right now and I just- I need someone to talk to but it's already so late and I- I can't anymore. Please… what's wrong with me? And why am I venting about this to these people who I call my friends, (and no offense, but I technically barely know you guys, but I love you all so much) on some writing forum? (Or to complete random strangers on Discord, because I still don't know whether I'm sending this vent to Notebook, Discord or… maybe I might just keep this all to myself…)
No. I can't be alone. I know I'm not alone in this… and all I have to do is reach out and ask for help. But I just- NO. I need to tell myself to stop being a coward and send this. I want some help, so I need to take action. -deep breath- Okay, I can do this… right? Maybe? sigh, I was just starting to not feel scared again, and then I went and scanned this whole vent and got scared. Again, I know. As a parting message, what's wrong with me? Be honest, please…
*The inspirational messages I mentioned are on a Google Doc
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