forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Do you have like some teaching book you could use?

If I did, there wouldn't be a problem

Hatchet pisses me off so much

The book?

I'm ready and willing to debate the book if that's your intended meaning

Never read it lol

Same

I read Hatchet once when I was like 13 and then never again. It was meh

I read it as part of a school project and hated it

The book?

Yeah

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

I'm pretty sure I read the Hatchet once (maybe?) but I don't remember it at all

Ok
I haven't done this for a while but here it is, I'm going to rant, vent, spew my inner emotions on to a screen for others to read.
I hecking hate being at home. I really really don't like it. I Love my family so so much, I love my mother. I still despise being at home.
For context, I am child number nine out of Eleven (Please do not poke fun at this I get it a lot and I am sick of it. Every one of my siblings deserve to be here so do not poke fun at it. I don't snap on this website, I just don't. But I will if you poke fun at my family)
So Currently I am living with 11 people.
My Mother, Bless her heart, just loves to make us have these long family activities, which is fine, for about ten minutes before I need 3 hours to recharge. After the ten minute mark If I am talked to I get very anxious and I'll start to lash out. Lashing out means getting talked to more which means more stress which mean's more lashing out and so the cycle of escalation begins. Or Instead of lashing out I will attempt to keep my cool, and My family is not the type to understand when you need space. We are talking, tease a crying person and laugh at a crying person, and proceed to be confused when said person has a nervous breakdown. Yes I am that person, I am usually that person. And If I try to say something about it my mother just doesn't understand what is going on. She doesn't understand how my brain works. For example I am terrified of heights and wide open spaces My brain literally starts to shut down when I am on a cliff or really up high I will cry, cling to other people or anything around me, and on occasion curl up into a ball on the ground. Her response to this is "You have two feet on the ground, your fine"
But she isn't a bad person and she isn't a bad mom she just doesn't understand these things and when she was a teen is so far back in her mind she can't sympathies with what I feel. She is 56 she had me when she was 40, Those emotions where a long time ago and her memory is failing. And I am not an easy kid to raise, I am not an easy Teen. I get upset over the littlest things I hold onto grudges like they're currency. I don't let people in, I find it hard to articulate my emotions. I am not an easy kid to raise.
Last thing before I end this. I am 1 of 8 daughters, 7 of which are older than me. That mean's that no matter what I do I will always be compared to them, always. I just want to be seen as and Individual. My whole life has been spent being looked at and told "Oh you're a valentine aren't you, Your sister is so smart, she was my favorite student I'm sure you'll be just as great". I'm sick of doing something and being told "Relsey you're acting like S." Or "Well, L doesn't complain, she does what I ask." I am sick of being part of a matching set. I just want someone to look at me and see Relsey not, K's face with S's personality and a bit of L's Charm and a tad of M's wit.
I'm not a remix, I'm an individual. I am similar to my siblings in many ways and I know it, I have spent my whole life being told how much I am like them. For once I want to be looked at for who I am not who they were.
So to circle it back to the beginning, Being at home is really really hard. I have spent quarantine being forced to spend time with people who find amusement in my pain, and have issues with my inability to spend time in groups. I understand why we are at home, I know it's important but it is so hard to be constantly reminded that I am part of a set. I hate it, I feel like I'm in a cage. I have five big fears, and one of them is being trapped, and I am always trapped.

This is going to be complete gibberish but y’know bare with me:
So I joined booktok and stuff and bought a bunch of the books their always recommending including Acotar, The Infernal Devices, The Selection, etc. and they’re great but like now I spend all my time thinking about fictional characters again and it kinda makes me sad that I’ll never be good enough for those worlds also I started self-harming again so that’s lovely.

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

Im mean yeah but wasn’t he literally like 13 or something? And the shock of suddenly being put in a survival situation may have blocked any prior knowledge he had. He shouldn’t have just drank the water tho that was just dumb but y’know he was desperate

Brian's(is that his name?) absolute lack of what I think is common knowledge and survival skills annoys me to no end. i know its cuz i grew up going into the forest and researching survival skills, but still. some of what he does is so unbelievably stupid

That's kinda a part of the book? I think?
We read it in one of my classes and analysed it. I think a big part of what the book is saying is that human's are cripplingly reliant on technology to survive. I read it as a warning, we are not so reliant on tech that we couldn't survive at all in the wild, but we are at a point where a lot of us couldn't, and that spells disaster for any species.

Oh and I had my birthday and no one wished me happy birthday on here or over text or on social media and it was kinda pathetic.

And I have to go to IOP so if any of you have gone can you like share your experience or give me advice or something, it’s making me nervous

My brother read that book this year and he said it was decent but he thinks it was too much. Like something bad happens every single day he's on the island.

My brother read that book this year and he said it was decent but he thinks it was too much. Like something bad happens every single day he's on the island.

? Am I thinking of the wrong book? I though hatchet happened in the middle of a Forrest somewhere in Maine or Canada next to a lake.

My brother read that book this year and he said it was decent but he thinks it was too much. Like something bad happens every single day he's on the island.

? Am I thinking of the wrong book? I though hatchet happened in the middle of a Forrest somewhere in Maine or Canada next to a lake.

Yeah it was in the Canadian Forests and there was a big L-shaped lake and moose and stuff so you know it’s Canada

I know that this isn't related to the discussion at hand
but I just watched the Movie:The Old Guard on Netflix
And it had a Vietnamese actress, which by itself is really exciting cuz I never see anyone of my race on tv
but like shes gorgeous like absolutely stunning
I've never seen a Viet that beautiful like her ( NO OFFENSE TO ANY VIETS OR ASIANS.)
God, shes so pretty.

Anyway sorry to interrupt your conversation, please continue as you were

hey relsey I'm not as good at the whole advice thing as you but I really want you to know that you aren't your siblings. you're you and anyone who doesn't see that is insane. and I get the whole feeling trapped thing, tho not in the same way as you. but there is escape. you're already an individual yourself and when you do get into the "real world" you don't have to be the person everyone thinks you are! I'm sorry that your family doesn't understand that you get overwhelmed quickly tho. they're not bad people or anything, they just do not get it and it sucks

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

My brother read that book this year and he said it was decent but he thinks it was too much. Like something bad happens every single day he's on the island.

? Am I thinking of the wrong book? I though hatchet happened in the middle of a Forrest somewhere in Maine or Canada next to a lake.

Yeah it was in the Canadian Forests and there was a big L-shaped lake and moose and stuff so you know it’s Canada

lmao i haven't actually read the book idk what my brother's talking about

Oh and I had my birthday and no one wished me happy birthday on here or over text or on social media and it was kinda pathetic.

And I have to go to IOP so if any of you have gone can you like share your experience or give me advice or something, it’s making me nervous

When was your birthday fam?
Also, i seem to be lacking in words of comfort bc my brain went s p l a t the other day so yeah, but don't self harm
You are a very precious fren of mine and i don't want you to hurt yourself like that- if you can't help it, then find an alternative

Also, lemme take a sec to laugh at the "intensive outpatient program" cause i have that- well did last year, but now we do it via video but like, i used to bail all the time because i never did good in group settings, so i have no advice my dude, sorry
But maybe when they force me to go again we can share experiences- that is if i finally decide to cooperate and not hide in the bathroom for an hour-