.jpg)
Hahaha my partner and I just found out that the cousin that he's closest to has become a white supremacist wtffff
And his gf (presumably ex gf now?) is Latina and bisexual, so uhhhh????
Seriously what the fuck.
Also I'm gonna have to go to Florida soon for another funeral. Not my family member, but my partner's grandma.
I guess I'm just waiting for the day I snap… the day o stop caring is the day everything goes to shit because my fucking parents can't do anything without having me do it and then make me feel like shit if I mess up a tiny thing
Hahaha my partner and I just found out that the cousin that he's closest to has become a white supremacist wtffff
Like literally though? Or just racist? But yeah it’s funny how that happens. laughs in cry
You don't have to be a member of the kkk or another organization to be a white supremacist tho???
I don't know the exact details bc I wasn't there when it happened, but yeah. White supremacist was what I was told. So like. Thinking white people are superior in some way, basically. Likely radicalized by some source because he hasn't always been like this.
And when my partner's sibling called him out on it, he really hit them with the "you're too young to understand."
Regardless, icky all around.
Love that. Racists make me feel icky.
That's how my whole family is though <3
Like I have to hold my tongue every time I visit my grandparents. I had to explain something to my uncle's gf (I think it was racial profiling? It was something racial inequality related that I've done a fuckton of research on in college), and she really didn't believe me at all. Later found out not only did they vote for trump (I already knew that part), but they also went to a Trump rally. Maskless. In a pandemic.
And I had a serious talk with my brother about how the family was treating me for believing differently from them, and when he said our grandfather was the "least racist person" he knew, I had to explain to him what really goes on. Just because people don't say slurs doesn't make them not racist <3
My dad's side at least knows how to keep their mouth shut, even though I'm sure some of them have similar ideals.
Either way, though, I'm super worried about our younger generation picking up on that shit. I know I can't save them all, but I'd like to at least try.
Oh! But in other, positive news, we maybe figured out the roommate situation!
Oh cool! How’s that going?
A friend who initially said she probably wouldn't be able to make rent got some new clients and will now be able to most likely!
So once we make sure she's in, we can officially apply.
What does she do?
I'm not 100% sure? We don't know each other super well lol
I'm pretty sure it's something art/graphic design related, but don't take my word on that one.
I said friend, but she's more of a close friend of one of my close friends, and I've hung out with her once or twice, and she knows the whole gang that's moving in together, even if just a little.
So with ceramics the main aspect besides the art is that is community-oriented, and every residency/studio place always advertises how they're all close and a big happy family and all that. My teacher and a few visiting lecturers have been so nice and definitely show that aspect, but the residency I applied for over a month ago just ghosted me. I did the interviews, I got the tours, I did everything right and the interviewer lady seemed to really like all my answers to the questions. They said they would send out notification emails on the 14th, of May. Annnd I never heard from them again. I even sent a follow up email on the 20th to see if I missed something or they got my email wrong (despite having two different chains with frequent communication already established) and heard nothing back.
So anyways I'm bringing this up now cause while the community I wanted to join dropped me, the people I work with, which are dancers and photographers, have been offering suggestions and "know a guy that knows a guy" to help. The group that spouts off "community!" may have dropped me, but happy vent that art groups known for being solitary or competitive have my back.
Another quick rant, sorry.
I hate being emotionally reliant on things, be that people or media, I don't like that I can't control that aspect of my life I con't like it I really hate it. I just get attached to things that make me feel anything other than sad so quickly it's terrifying. when I was younger I was quite addicted to reading, It made me feel alive. I drowned myself in books I didn't have a personality out side of them, all of the well wishes, all of the little mementos and notes I have from that time period, the only thing anyone could say about me was that I loves books, because that's all I did because it made me feel alive instead of like an empty husk. In short it was bad and unhealthy, and If I'm not extremely careful with my reading habits I will slip back into that space.
But now it's not reading it's music, I will do nothing but listen to songs read through lyrics and look into the harmonies and chord choices for hours, to just feel alive and I know if I'm not careful it will turn into the new reading for me and I'll end up being scared to let myself listen to and really appreciate music if I don't figure out how to control it but I just want to pop headphones on and forget that I have 4 other senses.
In short, my life sucks and I have a bad habit of becoming fixated on something else to ignore it and then that something inevitably turns into an unhealthy obsession.
today was kinda shitty so im gonna vent about it bc im feeling shitty
ok, to start, me and my family were going out and i forgot my bag and so my mom proceeded to yell at me for like 10 minutes about how i have to be feminine and girly and then we bumped into some of my moms friends and i smiles and waved and them but my mom didnt see that and then yelled at me again for like half an hour about how i act stiff and called me autistic and even when i told her that i did greet her friends she said no and that i was lying or imagining it. then she told my dad about this and he sided with her and then my dad said hes gonna take my phone and art supplies when he travels because i upset my mom. after all of this, we got to the resteraunt and there, my mom told me to stop bouncing my leg which idk is kinda hard when ur feeling very anxious. then, she showed the family some video shed taken of me without me noticing of me just sitting and started criticizing the way i sit and how its not feminine and that my leg was shaking in the video. after we left, we saw some random woman and my mom fat shamed her and said she shouldnt wear shorts, made me feel pretty disgusted by my mom ngl. and last and not least, she got me some pants that i told her wear not my size and then when they didnt fit she called me fat even though im almost underweight. idk i feel like i can never satisfy my mom no matter what i do. like i get good grades, im taking all honors and ap classes, im religious, i do what she asks me to do, i do chores, i dont do drugs, i dont cuss, like idk what im doing wrong? she always finds something wrong with me
sorry for the late reply, if you have a search bar by your windows/on the task bar area, you can usually search "tablet" or "wacom" and it will bring it up. If you haven't used any other tablet before, then you probably wont have drivers but wacom is very picky and will break if anything else is installed.
I didnt have any drivers installed other than the wacom one so I deleted it and downloaded it again but it still wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I ended up having to use the buttons on the tablet as a mouse pad, once I put the pen down, I click the button to make it stop drawing and hold the button down when I am so I guess thay solves it?
today has been interesting and this is going to be all over the place.
my partner's parents had cps called on them. because his sister had vented to a school counselor earlier and they were like holy shit that's concerning.
he's coming to stay with my family for a little while just to escape the situation for a bit, but that messes some things up here too. i live in a really small apartment and i want to be here for him but i don't have the space for him to stay a long time. we're also really busy people and have plans for the summer. my parent's are divorced so if he's still with us this weekend, is he coming with us to my dads?(/rh) i don't want him to have to spend the weekend alone with my mum because she's also pretty awful. at least if he came with us, i could be there to keep my parents in check since i know he wouldn't but my dad is worse than my mum even if i'm there.
i just wanna listen to some dazey and forget about all this but if i shut myself down that's not helping anyone and this whole thing isn't even about me.
Hey , I'm here, I'm queer and I'm here to kick some ass. Got a few people on my -/Kill/- list. whom must I add in the mix?
Oop not me developing medical anxiety-
My mom is so done with me because I'm packing for a choir trip and our rehearsal was changed and we could wear shorts, sandals, and a hat, so I raided my brothers room for a hat and found one and hadn't taken it off, but it was funny because my mom was so done with it because she finally asked me to take it off like "My Name, PLEASE take that dumb hat off" and with a straight face, I took it off and on my head was the flower crown she absolutely LOATHES. I then ran away and kept packing because I leave Thursday.
tw intrusive thoughts
Bro that is so rough. The fact that you admitted to that is pretty brave of you. I certainly haven’t to any adult. Your therapist seems pretty sucky at their job and this is all his fault not yours.
I appreciate that a lot, thank you <3 I'm trying to just reason with myself, cause I know better than to think they're things I'd actually act on, but yeah.
Your therapist should not be trying to pry that out of you, nor should anyone. You get to decide what to share. And it's good you recognize intrusive thoughts as what they are. Shame on your therapist for falsely ascribing them to be something else.
If I'm honest I shouldn't be surprised bc the service I'm in is pretty famous for having mediocre people working in it, but it's still really reassuring to hear it from y'all, so thank you so much
Does anyone need hugs, maybe some of my cat's soft fur. or maybe some music/food?