i'm now starting to wonder if this was a good idea in the first place.
i haven't… exactly had the best week so far.
but tuesday night i decided to just cut off contact with everyone besides about one or two people.
started yesterday.
…is this considered isolation?
should i stop?
I’m not someone who should be talking about this because I tend to do this a lot, but yes. You should stop cutting people out of your life. If they’re really good people who try to help you, then you have no reason to stop talking to them, but if they’re toxic people who don’t have your best interest in mind, then leave them.
Part of you isolating yourself is your depression acting up, I’m sure you know this, and one of your depressions goals is to try to take you out of this world.
When you’re alone it makes it more difficult for you to reach out to anyone. If you ever need help no one will be there because you don’t talk to them anymore.
And you may think, “well, I don’t deserve to get help or I can take a little more” but no, you should get help even if it’s from a friend and even if you think you can keep going at the rate you’re going, one day you’re going to stop and you’ll be right at the edge of a cliff.
But hey, as long as you don’t completely cut everyone off, you’re okay. You still have two people you talk to and hopefully they’ll help you with whatever you’re going through.
Anyways, I’m glad you’re still here with us, I know that things have been rough, but genuinely, I’m happy to see you here, even if we haven’t talked for a while.
o h
that would really explain my urges to
Spoiler - click to show.
self-harm
this week
a lot
i'm just
tired.
i have no motivation to do art, write, and even looking at the sheer number of people wanting to talk to me exhausts me
and i'ts not sleep that will help me,
considering i've been getting more sleep than usual but
now i lie awake for an hour or two each night unable to sleep
…falling back into the habit of skipping classes.
god, what's wrong with me? i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to finally be happy because it's been great recently. but the thing is– i'm not happy. not anymore. i'm just… surviving. from one day to the next, and not because i want to. it's because i have to.
it's not even really two people i talk to. i talked to exactly two other people once yesterday and it was because of two reasons: one was worried about me, the other wanted some assistance.
it was… nice, i suppose, but so mentally draining.
i honestly have no one else to talk to that doesn't exhaust me other than my best friend and he doesn't even live in my state.
nice hearing from you, though, atlas. thank you, i'm glad you're still here with us too <3
i… do have one last thing i wanted to talk about before i end this, though.
(tw: mentions of self-harm and blood and knives)
Spoiler - click to show.
i keep having thoughts of cutting myself. for now, the worst i'm going to get with self-harm is stabbing myself with something that's sharp, but not sharp enough to do any real damage. but the thing is, i had this image of said object suddenly becoming a sharp knife and i couldn't help but watch in fascination as the end dug into my skin and the blood poured out. don't get me wrong, i was terrified that that was my reaction of all things, and i jolted back into awakeness right after but… it's these types of reoccurring thoughts that scare me. the thoughts of harming myself, the thoughts of bringing blood to my surface, even though i know i'll most likely never be able to bring myself to actually cut myself again. i-i'm scared of my thoughts. i'm scared of myself. and while i'm so glad that i have my best friend by my side, no matter what he says, i still can't shake the lingering anxiety that surrounds me everytime i think about opening up to him, really opening up to him. as if i can't not be a burden, as if i can't not worry him if i tell him, and that? that i can't have. i can't burden others, i can't force upon them my troubles, and i can't worry them. i just… can't.
i know he'd be more then willing to help me with all of this but it's… oh. fear. if only it wasn't so hard to listen to myself.
i can hear myself now, if these issues were someone else's. "don't let fear hold you back." hah, if only they could hear me now. how utterly difficult it is to get myself to follow my own advice, to follow what i know is right, despite whatever anxiety tells me.
it's just… so much easier to believe anxiety. the reasoning's so valid, i can't not believe it.
anyways, this has been a massive wall of text and apologies for that. i'll keep fighting, i suppose. not very hard, though.
I mean, i think that's okay- not okay in the sense that you should be feeling like that but okay in the sense that, that is what a person with depression usually goes through. You'll lose motivation for literally everything and you wont want to do anything but sleep and even sleep will seem "tiring".
Just because things are seemingly going "great" doesn't mean that those feelings of sadness won't creep up on you. You can be in the best situation and still depression will find a way to fuck you up. Depression doesn't stop just because you're supposed to be happy, sometimes it happens and there isn't a reason why and in my opinion those are the worst because you don't know how to fix it. The only way it'll go away is when it wants to go away. Pills sometimes make it better- or worse, depending on what you get, but usually, it gets better.
It seems to me that you're in what I used to call "the abyss" you're at that point where your depression has consumed you and you're not sure if you can get out anymore so you let go and let it do its thing, but that doesn't mean it's any less draining. In fact, it makes it even harder to do anything anymore. I don't have any real advice for this because when I was at that point I didn't do anything for a few months, I just somehow got through it. Nothing could get me out of the mental state I was in and eventually, I stopped talking to everyone. One thing I will say though is try your hardest to not completely stop talking to everyone. Even if it feels exhausting, even if you feel like it's impossible, don't. I think that if i had someone at the time to talk to me and hear me out on some things I was going through, it would have made a huge difference. It would have avoided a lot of terrible decisions.
As for you wanting to hurt yourself, those my friend are intrusive thoughts. You'll usually have the reaction of "wtf" and even if you don't, that's alright. You don't have to be scared of yourself even if you feel like you might do something bad. When that happens just try to distract yourself with something, anything. I've dealt with intrusive thoughts as well, but they don't bother me as much because I know that those aren't thoughts that I'm causing on purpose. It's just something that happens, so don't beat yourself up for it.
Talk to your friend, even if they don't understand, at least you'll have a way to vent when you're not on here. You say he's willing to help you through this, and if that's so, take advantage of that help. If he's openheartedly offering you his time, then take it, even if it feels like you're being "too much". At the end of the day, he knows how much he can handle, and he'll tell you if he needs a break.
And hey, if you want to talk to me, you can, I'll always have a spot open for you my dude. I've known you for a while now and you've known me, so I think you understand when I tell you that i'm available to hear you and talk it through with you when you're in a bad mental state.
I don't care if you think you're bothering me, talk to me when you feel like hurting yourself. And even if you just want to talk to someone about anything, I'm here.
If you want I can message you every day to see how you're doing. You don't have to reply, but i think that you knowing that someone is looking out for you would be somewhat comforting.
i hope-
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