deep breath
Over the last three months, I have lost a friend, almost lost another friend, and learned that that same friend is dying of Acute Myeloid Lukemia.
During this month, I have received the following month, updates on Ethan's condition, either from him, or from his friend that I've been calling Mei:
> Near the beginning of the month, Ethan reported that he could not feel or move his legs. However, after quite a while he informed us that he was also currently in the car, presumably on the way to the hospital.
> He stayed in the hospital for a bit, overnight, I think, and was discharged shortly with the ability to move and feel his legs regained.
> Two days ago, on the 11th of January, Ethan messaged me, telling me that he was scared, that he thought he was gonna die soon, and that thought scared him. I tried to help him the best I could, and he headed off to sleep shortly. 'goodnight myz-' was the last thing i said to him. Maybe I should have said more?
> Thinking that his condition was stable at the moment, it was a shock to wake up the next day, only to learn that Ethan had collapsed earlier that morning and fallen unconscious. Whether or not he would wake up again was up in the air. He woke up later that day, quite exhausted. During this time, with Mei's help I assume, Ethan recorded a voice message for us all, and either he or Mei typed out a mostly accurate word-for-word transcript of the recording, with some small after-notes.
> I might want to note that I spent several hours after I heard the voice message crying. It was clear in his voice that he was exhausted beyond words, and when his voice cracked when he mentioned that he was scared to die, it was so clear that he meant it. I've listened to it again a total of 4 times since then.
> This morning, after I slept through orchestra class, I woke up to news that Ethan had fallen into a coma. Though it only lasted for a few hours, it was scary as hell. When he woke, we were all relieved. Some asked questions, like, 'what's he thinking about?' and some wanted him to know, and I quote, 'passing out isn't very fishgang of you.'
And I was in a voicecall until late early this morning, maybe 3-4am? But since then, I have not said a word (or checked) in any of my Discord servers. I haven't eaten or drank anything since midnight, and instead have filled my day with sleep and occasionally checking my DMs, and honestly that's about it. I haven't moved from my bed except to use the bathroom and to put the chickens in.
I guess my being absent from the servers was unusual enough that two friends, who only show the side of them that jokes around with me all the time in the servers, showed their more caring side to me in DMs. I really appreciate it, but I'm probably going to go back to sleeping soon. I've slept all day, and I'm still exhausted as fuck.
I saw something on Tumblr the other day, that two signs that it's getting bad again were overeating or not eating enough, and sleeping too much or too little. Fits me right there. Kinda scary, but who tf cares about that when I have Ethan to worry about. That voice recording may be the last time I ever hear his voice. I may never see him on Discord again. And I may never talk to him again. It scares me. A lot.
Anyways, I'm not sure the entire point of this rant/vent but I just-
Needed to get words out.
Thank you for listening, any who did.
I love you all, stay safe, don't forget to eat and hydrate, and try not to die <3
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