oh god charlotte i'm so sorry ;;
i feel you, i really do

ethan hasn't even done it yet because it's planned

but i have no energy
there are all these little things that i blame myself for
and the things ill know ill blame myself for when it finally happens

remember that its okay to cry. it's okay to not want to do anything at all.
keep going through a routine, though.
i find it helps to have something familiar going, even if it isn't your favourite thing in the whole world.

and as for putting your feelings?
i write.
i write google docs to ethan, to trina
or to both of them.
of course, i never send them.
but it helps me to get my feelings down, no matter how bad the writing is.

sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt.
but it always makes everything just a little bit easier to bear.

and if you need someone to talk to, i'm here, okay?
and yeah i'm not really online much anymore, mostly bc of lack of energy but i try my best to be on at least once a day

Maybe you should send them.

thanks izzy <3

i sent him a bunch of texts this morning begging him to tell me it was some kind of sick joke. maybe now that i’ve processed it a little more (though “processed” is a strong word) i’ll try writing a letter to him. there’s a lot i wish i could have said. i never thought the last time i saw him would be the last time i ever saw him

nah it's good enough for me just to get them all out

and yeah i feel that part.

and yeah, we never think that do we?

i like to think that they're all listening to us.
watching over us.
making sure we're okay.

Oh Charlotte, I can't even imagine what you're going through…. I blame Covid-19; a lot of people that have mental health issues are suffering due to "social distancing" and everything else. It's a terribly tragic thing to go through, and my prayers are being sent. Try writing him a letter or texting him, it might help you through the grieving process.

When we see people that we've sadly lost in our dreams that's them visiting us.

i know i’m going to dream about him tonight, i just know it. and yeah, he was stuck at home with his family which i know was making it worse. but he was supposed to come back to the city in the spring and i thought i would see him then

We're all here for you if you ever just need to talk or something.

i didn't talk to him enough over the past few months he probably died mad at me

i'm going to quote a friend here:

wishing you could change the past won't help
future actions are all that matter

because yes
we all feel guilty about something or another when these things happen

so maybe he was mad at you, i think not, but thats just how i like to see things
but either way, the only thing you can do now is make peace with yourself over this particular scenario (what you described)

it won't be easy
it won't be fun
but it is necessary
to learn to forgive yourself
on something you can no longer try to fix

i'm so mad at myself for noticing he was withdrawing and noticing something was wrong and not checking in and assuming it was just because he didn't want to talk to me, i'm so mad that i didn't follow that hunch and listen to that feeling, i don't feel like i have the right to mourn now i feel like i need to punish myself. other people kept closer tabs on him, other people at least tried, i was too insecure and too wrapped up in my own issues and i didn't do that. i wasn't a good friend, i'm not a good friend, i don't take good care of people because i don't take good care of myself but i don't know how to and i don't think i ever will

nonono

i know that feeling
you have every right to mourn
he was your friend

and it's okay that you thought he just didn't want to talk to you
it's hard for those who feel like that to talk to others a lot of the time, i find.

you don't need punishment, hun
what you need is to learn how to let go of that anger
learn to turn it into forgiveness
because that anger is not doing you any good

and charlotte hun, you think you're not a good friend?

i'm the same.
i barely take care of myself at all
but i can tell you care for your friends a lot.

let me draw from some experience here rq

a couple weeks ago,
ethan and a friend had another go at each other again

from ethan's responses, it was quite clear that something was wrong
but at the time, i thought nothing of it
avoided the situation entirely.

i was feeling bad enough, i told myself.
i felt miserable because of his friend trina's death.

and i too, was wrapped up in my issues that i had not stopped to think about ethan.
and even if i had noticed?

i would've been too afraid,
too afraid to step out of my bubble of comfort
too afraid of bothering someone
too scared that bothering someone was a bigger deal than making sure they're okay

so you know what?
you are not alone.

do not ever think that for a second
that you are alone.

yes, you are the only one who has gone through this specific experience. but everyone's experience is unique to them.
but you know what?
experiences can be similar

it's why i think i can try to help you through this
you and i?
we can make it, alright?
we can do this.
we've got this.

thank you izzy

ugh i can’t stop crying

it’s all hitting me right now i can’t believe he’s gone, i can’t believe i’ll never talk to him again, i can’t believe he’ll never hug me again

i’m 5’10 but he towered over me, he was big and strong and gregarious, and he had this huge faux fur coat that he wore when it was cold and i can recall the feeling of hugging him while he was wearing that coat so vividly. how can someone who i can practically sense just thinking about him, who filled up a room like that, just be gone?

i know, hun.
it's unreal.
some sort of cruel joke, it must be-

after all, that's not how things are supposed to work, right?

sadly, it is.
good people die. bad people die.
some triumph, against all possible odds.

young die. the babies die. the old die.

it's unexpected.
death isn't picky.

it will take anyone, at any time.

give yourself some time, charlotte.
let yourself process this.

it will take time.
it will be rough.
but you will be okay.

^^^^^^^^^^

Why in the world?

nevermind. that’s not something i should say

I wish I knew so I could (lovingly) call you out on your bullshit. Death messes with your head, dude. Try to fight it.

nevermind. that’s not something i should say

Indeed it is not. I do not know you well, nor do I know your friend, but I am sure that never in two millennia would he wish for the pain he had suffered to be pushed to you. In no case should a death, especially one that was liberating to the receiver, have been yours. It's okay to grieve, cry, have a broken reality, everything that comes with the loss of a loved one. But by no means should ever such blame or something of the like be put on you. It's not your fault, nor is it anyone's.

You're strong enough to get through this. I know you are, you give me that feeling. And though he may not be here physically, everything else of him still remains. He's not gone forever. The man that always filled a room is still there, just keep blinking till all your tears fall, you'll see him. He's watching over you and protecting you the only way that he can.

You can talk to me any time that you wish (if ever). I know what it's like losing someone to these things. We can be strong together, okay?

^^^^^^ what redwood said

The Day™️ is drawing closer and closer.

Two days, five hours, and seven minutes as of 12:25 PST

Six minutes now.

I wonder what will happen. Will I cry as the time approaches?
Will I be in shock again?

I wonder…
Ethan has a plan too.

Will it hurt?

I keep repeating, over and over again.
Like a mantra.
It rarely helps, but the same two lines, direct quotations from the doc I repeat over and over when I'm stressed about this situation. Or anytime, really.

The five-year survival rate for those under 20 is 60-70%, and those over 20 have a 27.9% chance of survival.

Trina collapsed again two weeks into October, and was out of school for the rest of the month. While she was away, I was told I was likely going to die between December to mid-February.

Also I believe I relapsed again today.

Staying clean is such a joke, I don't even realise that I've relapsed again until it's too late.

God I hate this so much.

And-
Even if Ethan lasts till the end of the week, what happens then?

You know, he started the experimental treatment today.

I wonder if he'll just suffer in pain and his condition will slowly worsen until the impending death, somewhere between now and February.

Eleven weeks and four days.

I don't think I'm too good with comforting, but I will try my best. Before anyone else, I want you to prioritize yourself. I know it can be quite hard to do, but I want you to think about things this way. If you're hurt, or you're gone, or you are not in a good mental space, how ever could you fathom trying to help someone else? I assure you that trying to is only putting unnecessary stress on yourself. I'm not telling you to turn and run from your friends with your tail betwixt your legs, but what I'm saying is, you can't trying to pull someone up with your broken hand. It will hurt you more than you deserve. And you deserve no pain at all.

I don't know just how you relapse, i.e

and I don't really expect you to tell me, though if you did I could try to help you better. I know that it's hard to fight, or even realize before it's too late, but I will give you the faith I hold in my heart that you can do it. It's okay if you need help to, it's okay to not be okay, but it isn't okay to stay in the arms of your sorrow forever. I assure you, holding onto someone tires the arms, be it slowly or quickly. I know that Sorrow will get tired of holding you.

Hold onto the rope that is tied to your future. Tie a knot at the end and be patient. Someone will find you, and pull you up. Even if it is to be me, I would do it gladly. Stay strong.

I'm not sure just what can or cannot be done about your friend, so I will not step into that territory. But just know, even if the worst case scenario happens with them, it is not your fault. Do Not Blame Yourself.

There are plenty of people in the world that would help you and care for you, Izzy (if I may call you that), do remember that.

thank you <3

and yes, that's acceptable

HES ALIVE HES ALIVE HES ALIVE

ETHAN IS ALIVE BOIOS
THANK FUCKING GOD

HELL YEAH!!!

Fantastic! I'm so glad for both you and him.

thankkkkkk~

amazing!! <3