forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

I have PSAT's today, a fucking swollen eye, really bad cramps everywhere, and am hungry. I know someone is going to piss me off today and they will not survive

happy vent

I think my antidepressants might be starting to kick in a bit! I switched to taking them at the morning because I’m one of the unlucky few where they make me awake as opposed to feeling tired. I’ve been feeling a bit more motivated to do things which helps with school work, and the essay that I’m currently writing as I type this.

My arms and legs haven’t been itchy for a while, and all of the wounds I obtained from those horrible weeks are beginning to heal back up (mom thinks it might have been anxiety, and more anxiety from not knowing what was causing it. I agree)

I’m still in a bit of a pit but I’ve been trying to take care of myself more, like drinking water (i came to the conclusion that I have not been drinking enough at all) and trying to take breaks from certain social media when I need it.

I did a big oops.
So we have a group speech due in our speech class, but we only meet on tuesdays so its super important to show up to class. So I stayed up super late trying to get my scheduling done for next semester which is a nightmare because somehow 12 or so credits are either missing or not where they're supposed to be (and I'm supposed to be graduating so this is a lot more paperwork on top of it), and then I thought, oh, it's fine because tomorrow is thursday and I can sleep in. Today is not thursday.

How the fuck am I supposed to do the rest of high school, plus college? I won't make it. I can't. Why do I have to be afraid of my own mom? Why does my dad have to be fucking dead? Why can't I have any friends that I really love and know aren't fake? Why do I have to live in fucking shithole wisconsin? Why do I have to have a pandemic during the few years I have as a teenager? Why can't I be normal like anyone else? Why can't I just have things figured out? Why do I have to have so many diagnosises and more to come? Why do I have to feel like such a burden all the time? Why am I always stuck in my fucking head? I fucking hate being alive, I hate being me.

WHY am I so scared of judgment. It's so stupid and unreasonable but yet my brain still manages to instill a horrible fear of being judged. Help.

How the fuck am I supposed to do the rest of high school, plus college? I won't make it. I can't.

It’s not too bad. Fr.

Why do I have to be afraid of my own mom? Why does my dad have to be fucking dead? Why can't I have any friends that I really love and know aren't fake?

As for the mom… Idk, dude. Do it one day at a time. And I may not be a good friend but I care. Really glad you’re not dead.

Why do I have to live in fucking shithole wisconsin

shrugs

Why do I have to have a pandemic during the few years I have as a teenager?

Not to be an ass… but… it’s happening to everyone. Lot worse for some. It sucks ofc but nothing personal.

Why can't I be normal like anyone else? Why can't I just have things figured out? Why do I have to have so many diagnosises and more to come? Why do I have to feel like such a burden all the time? Why am I always stuck in my fucking head? I fucking hate being alive, I hate being me.

No one’s really normal. It’s a good thing. No one has it all figured out. I’m 20 and am just beginning to realize how behind on life I am. You have time. You’ll (probably) be okay if you try hard to make it through.
You’re not great now, but you might be later.

WHY am I so scared of judgment. It's so stupid and unreasonable but yet my brain still manages to instill a horrible fear of being judged. Help.

Why does the opinion of someone else matter?

WHY am I so scared of judgment. It's so stupid and unreasonable but yet my brain still manages to instill a horrible fear of being judged. Help.

Why does the opinion of someone else matter?

idk but it D O E S

sorry i can't help much but that's a big phat fucking mood-

i'm so worried that i'm drifting away from my only real friend and the thought of it terrifies me so much
what's happened to me-?
why can't i go back. i'm not myself anymore and it's obvious. i just want to be the ella that everyone liked and stop shooing away the people i love…

I forgot about his birthday, it was yesterday, but happy birthday to Tyrannosaurus, sweet pure little bean

FUCK tics and fuck tic disorders and fuck everything related.

God yeah, my hand flicked as a tic and I threw my fucking clay slab across the room.
But like, my main thing is my cough and everyone looks at me like "co v i d" and I'm like "nooooooooooo"

My main one is a head jerk with a little vocal squeak. Also lots of eye rolling, and shrugging.

o a t h

I don't think it's a tic, but sometimes I'll randomly get a chill in like my shoulder or neck area and twitch violently once or twice? Saying it out loud it sounds like a tic, but also it doesn't happen super often. Idk. I've almost dropped things because of it but it's never caused me to throw something… If I'm trying to focus on sitting super still or if someone's really close to me, I get twitchy too. Idk. Constantly having my joints feel super stiff and feeling the need to stretch is more annoying to me though. The joints one is usually my fingers or toes and I don't crack them(don't know how and I don't want to hurt myself), instead I just flex them really hard or try to stretch them. And the stretching thing is just dskavnlv because I'll be leaning back in my desk at school and suddenly I'm fuckin touching the person behind me and it's super awkward for both of us. Also if I'm stretching and I turn my head to see the person leaning backwards to avoid touching me I feel awful

SO I WAS ON YOUTUBE WATCHING THIS VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cLpr49dyXY&lc=UgybIXXT82hRzcCBZ894AaABAg.9EbgcyIsU-U9F5wHNTS5Kl AND AT ONE POINT THERE'S A TIKTOK WITH V*MIT AND SO I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND PUT IN THE COMMENTS "Ok so this is really important at least to me, I have a lot of triggers because I have really bad anxiety and stuff but v#mit is one of my biggest ones and I know this is also a common phobia, anyone who does not want to see this clip please skip from 12:23 to 12:47 I hope this helps someone. I'm going to post this twice just because I got really freaked out and scared and had a panic attack and I don't want it to happen to anyone else." OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES AND SOME /LITTLE SHIT/ HAS THE /AUDACITY/ TO COMMENT "Pathetic" NOT ONCE BUT /TWICE/ so i reported him for hate speech :) (the smile is not about hate speech but i think that goes without saying)

TW!!!!: EDs and S##cide but everything is censored

ok so the person just said "@Geek In The Pink Of course you would. Because you can't overcome your problems. So you just hide them out of sight. You can't grow to be a better person if you just get upset at everything" so i responded with this, (hopefully they'll f off) "Do you understand what a trigger even is? people use it a lot to mean something that makes you angry but I'm talking about something that throws me back into a state of depression, something that gives me a panic attack. not everyone is able to face things like that so easily. for all you know I could have had b#limia. I need therapy for this kind of stuff and some other people do too. You can't just go around telling people that they're pathetic for having triggers that they can't face. Yes, it is true I can't overcome my problems and I have accepted that, but the reason I can't is because I've gone through some serious trauma and sh#t I know I might hide from everything that might make me feel s##cidal or have a severe panic attack but I am going to a LOT therapy and am trying my absolute hardest to get help. It's not my fault that my brain was wired differently and my dad made my life a living h#ll. The ignorance of people like you makes me sick, if you'll excuse me i'm going to finish reporting you for hate speech. You think that wasn't just check youtube's guidelines."

btw i'm replacing asterisks with hashtags for the purpose of having no randomly slanted text (the word for it is escaping me currently) also i did not include his @ for privacy purposes

HOLY SH#T!!! HE JUST SAID THIS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY CUZ I CANT REALLY DO MUCH WORSE THAN REPORT HIM FOR HATE SPEACH "hence why I said 'Pathetic'. You need to overcome this weakness of yours. Stop making it other peoples problems. I get upset about things, people getting offended offends me. Should we put a trigger warning up every time someone is offended? Please don't have children, otherwise they might end up like you or worse"

ya know what i'm not keeping this person's identity a secret cuz he doesnt deserve it, his channel is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDVB2-rUcFFIk-wr9bgXiMg

and he also just added and was a huge hypocrite about how he hates it when people try to not upset him and that he "has his own problems" but i'm going to stop talking about this here cuz this is now my 4th post in a row about this a-hole

I just asked my dad to buy me some of those teething necklaces because of my stims is just biting things and he just went "talk to susan (le therapist who SHOULD not be a therapist) about it." and I'm just sitting here like, the only thing she did that was acutally helpful is recomend someone to test me for a very very obvious sensory disorder

literally the last therapy appointment she called my trauama not real and said that it wouldn't have happened if I just did what that person said like,,,, how fucking long ago did you go to school for this?

I just asked my dad to buy me some of those teething necklaces because of my stims is just biting things and he just went "talk to susan (le therapist who SHOULD not be a therapist) about it." and I'm just sitting here like, the only thing she did that was acutally helpful is recomend someone to test me for a very very obvious sensory disorder

literally the last therapy appointment she called my trauama not real and said that it wouldn't have happened if I just did what that person said like,,,, how fucking long ago did you go to school for this?

Oh boy. Is there someone higher up you can talk to about this? Like does she have a boss? Because that. Wow. That's a load of bullshit, not a therapist.

I just asked my dad to buy me some of those teething necklaces because of my stims is just biting things and he just went "talk to susan (le therapist who SHOULD not be a therapist) about it." and I'm just sitting here like, the only thing she did that was acutally helpful is recomend someone to test me for a very very obvious sensory disorder

literally the last therapy appointment she called my trauama not real and said that it wouldn't have happened if I just did what that person said like,,,, how fucking long ago did you go to school for this?

Oh boy. Is there someone higher up you can talk to about this? Like does she have a boss? Because that. Wow. That's a load of bullshit, not a therapist.

No, my dad just went "Just tell her to her face that she makes you angry and that you don't want her to be your therapist" and I'm sitting there like "Bitch I've done that, multiple times. I have Asked for a different therapist/asked for her recomendations becuase it's the polite thing to do" and just,,, my god I am so angry.

I just asked my dad to buy me some of those teething necklaces because of my stims is just biting things and he just went "talk to susan (le therapist who SHOULD not be a therapist) about it." and I'm just sitting here like, the only thing she did that was acutally helpful is recomend someone to test me for a very very obvious sensory disorder

literally the last therapy appointment she called my trauama not real and said that it wouldn't have happened if I just did what that person said like,,,, how fucking long ago did you go to school for this?

stimtastic.co has some really good stim toys and jewelry (that includes stuff designed for chewing. Idk if your dad will let you, but its fairly cheap and pretty cute.

Good luck with your asshole dad and therapist

I just asked my dad to buy me some of those teething necklaces because of my stims is just biting things and he just went "talk to susan (le therapist who SHOULD not be a therapist) about it." and I'm just sitting here like, the only thing she did that was acutally helpful is recomend someone to test me for a very very obvious sensory disorder

literally the last therapy appointment she called my trauama not real and said that it wouldn't have happened if I just did what that person said like,,,, how fucking long ago did you go to school for this?

stimtastic.co has some really good stim toys and jewelry (that includes stuff designed for chewing. Idk if your dad will let you, but its fairly cheap and pretty cute.

Good luck with your asshole dad and therapist

Ooh, those are cute. I don't stim/chew but if you do, definitely check that site out.