Notebook.ai

@Rainy_is_back

October 27, 2019

Yeah, I'm the same way.

@CloudyWithAChanceofSpontaneousCreativity

October 28, 2019

Guys. I'm in major trouble. I've never been in a romantic relationship before, and at seventeen people find me really odd for it. Now, that's not really my problem. My problem is that I get incredibly attached to my crushes. My longest was seven years before he got a girlfriend and I gave up. My shortest crush ever was over a year long.

Recently, I've fallen hard for another kid. I'll call him 'Handstands' for the sake of this post. Why? Because he's good at handstands.

Anyways, so Handstands showed up at my high school about a week after our senior year started. He moved from another state, so this was his first year here. Which is probably why I noticed him so quickly. (After being in the same advanced program for four years at the same exact school, you tend to know everyone else in the program at least by face.) The first day he was pretty quiet, sitting behind me a few rows to my left. I noticed him walk in, and my first thoughts were along the lines of Holy hell, he's hot. Which is unusual for me because I don't find that many guys attractive.

But seriously, he's tall (my guess is 6 foot, 6 foot 1ish—he's usually slouching, so it's hard to tell), has fair skin that splotches with pink easily after any sort of physical activity (which is all the time with the amount of time that boy runs around) with brown/green eyes that look like the freaking sun shining through coca-cola in a green glass bottle, and hair as dark and soft and fluffy looking as dark chocolate and tiny kitten fur. Not to mention he's always wearing incredibly goofy outfits like hawaiian shirts with gnomes, flamingos and mushrooms on it, or his tie-die bandana and outrageously colored socks. And his smile is seriously so genuine and sincere that it makes me wanna cry. And recently he's had a single, incredibly colorful hair weave that kinda flops over his forehead and (internal screaming).

And then things spiraled way out of control from there on. I have two classes with him, and I started noticing him everywhere in the hallways. He's always saying stupid things or doing stupid things, but he's so funny when he does them that no one really cares. And he's actually incredibly smart, but no one ever wants to listen to his ideas when he's talking because of all his jokes. So when he talks, I'm always listening, and he keeps talking when he thinks no one's watching, so when he sees that I am, he kinda just…keeps saying what he's saying to me. And he'll randomly break into song with his ridiculously deep voice (bit of a drawl, as he's from a southern state), or do a handstand. He's always drawing in class, and since we have a lot of the same classes, I'll help him out with my strengths and he'll help me out with his strengths. As such, I acquired his phone number (which I rarely used until recently).

And then I decided to go to Homecoming for the first time (he'd told me he didn't have a date, and I obviously didn't have one either). So I went, and pretty early on into the night I ran into him (and I swear, he's the most beautiful person and has the greatest smile I've ever seen), and he complimented my hair, and I complimented his earrings. And then some friends found me, and he slipped off to talk to someone else (being, also, the most social person I know). Later I found him dancing with a girl, which was kinda awesome to watch at first because he actually knows how to dance and is impossibly good at it. But then he kept dancing with her, and it made me sad, and then I heard him ask her if she wanted to go back to his house to "…watch…the stars."

So I spent all of the next day crying, and then school came along the following week and I realized nothing really changed regarding my feelings, since it's not like I told him. Plus, I didn't know for sure if he was dating her, since he flirts with pretty much every girl he comes across, although I don't think he does it intentionally. I just kept talking to him like normal, and things were fine. He was still incredibly random (still is), and I like him for it.

And then a week ago he showed up to school with a hickey on his neck (which he tried to hide with a collared shirt the first day, then proceeded to not care if people saw the rest of the week. I only noticed the first day because I'm hyper aware of everything he does, and also because he was running around constantly). I ended up breaking down over it Wednesday. And then Friday was the craziest day, because I'd just resigned myself to backing off and trying to get over him.

Coincidentally, Friday was the same day I was sketching a pen tattoo on my arm, when my friend decided she wanted one. So I drew one for her, and then decided to ask people in my next class if they wanted any, because it was fun. Of course Handstands was in my next class, but I avoided directly asking if he wanted one, instead drawing one for another girl that I kinda hope I end up friends with. And then Handstands said he wanted one, if I was willing, and I kinda just…agreed. Because it would've been weird if I refused him after offering them earlier, right? So we worked out a design, and then I asked where he wanted it… And he pulled his shirt up and pointed to a spot on his ribs. So for the next twenty minutes I was kneeling on the floor in front of him worked on this pen tattoo fully touching his torso and panicking on the inside because holy crap, I'm not ace like I thought I was.

I've honestly never wanted to be with someone this bad and I don't know what to do. I thought things would maybe be awkward after twenty minutes of me drawing a cowboy space worm wrapped around a rocket pulling a planet along through space via lasso on his ribs, but nah, he has no self-awareness apparently.

Friday evening I texted him to let him know that you can make pen tattoos last longer with baby powder/flour and hairspray, if he so desired, and then he texted back Saturday saying he would have done that if he hadn't had to go to work. And then followed it with So how's your Saturday going. He'd never actually started a conversation with me outside of school?? So we texted very on and off (like twenty minutes to three hours in between some of them) throughout the day, and then he texted me again today to ask if I'd let him borrow a book that I unfortunately did not have with me at the time, and picked up conversation where we left off.

Long story short, he's making my life hard by making me fall more in like with him every time I will myself to get over him. I'm just going to keep getting hurt—even if he's not dating someone, he's clearly had a recent makeout session with someone, but I'm getting such mixed signals that I'm pretty sure all the signals were thrown into a blender and tossed at me. I don't know how to deal with him, but he's like a freaking magnet and I find myself constantly thinking about him and dreaming (literally) about him. And no, not in the gross way. In the abstract surreal dreamscape kind of way that I actually get to hold his hand or hug him or something. AND IT'S ONLY BEEN A LITTLE OVER THREE MONTHS.

Also, I'm really scared that he'll somehow find this post because I'm so weird, and I don't honestly know how anyone could be attracted to me? I have low self-esteem, I know, but I don't hate myself or anything. At least, not physically. I just don't find my looks or personality to be very appealing, and he's just so… I don't want to say perfect, because 1) that's cliche, and 2) it's not true. But dang it, I like him way too much. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just ranting, but I'll totally take advice if you have any.

@Rainy_is_back

October 28, 2019

OOF I can't read that now, but I will later, I'll do my best to help

@CloudyWithAChanceofSpontaneousCreativity

October 28, 2019

Yeah, that's understandable lol. My nonexistent love life is a total mess, and I kinda just needed to write it all down, I think.

QUESTION

Keyboard Controls