Austin: Yes hello, 911? I accidentally raised my voice at Em and I need to be arrested
911 operator: Mr. Dunn, we’ve talked about this
Austin: Did you know that eyes have the consistency of boiled eggs?
Felix: I’ve tested that, and it’s not true, actually.
Austin: Oh.
Austin:
Austin: Wait, you what-
Mel: I don’t have any talents. I like to think about girls. When people ask me how I’m doing I just ignore the question. Simple
Titania: Did you know that eyes have the consistency of boiled eggs?
Robin: I’ve tested that, it’s actually not true!
Titania: Oh.
Titania:
Titania: Wait, you what-
Beck: I don’t have any talents. I like to think about death. When people ask me how I’m doing I just ignore the question. Simple.
Stephanie: We've gotta find a way to cut expenses. What can we live without?
Azula: Probably Coral.
Gwendolyn: Okay, you're driving and Marcy and Theodosia walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Rosamund: Definitely Marcy. I would never hurt Theodosia.
Gwendolyn:
Gwendolyn: The brakes, Rosie. You hit the brakes.
Ash: You read my diary?
Aaron: At first I didn't realize it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten novel.
William: Yes, I love all my children equally! Ash, Stephanie, Sora, Adams, Azula and
looks at smudged handwriting on hand
William: Arcon
Ash: I'M NOT YOUR SON!
Ash: C'mon, Sora! Nobody thinks William is my dad!
Sora: turns to the army of soldiers Put your hand up if you thought William was Ash's dad.
everyone puts their hands up
Ash: William, put your hand down!
Macy: Romeo and Juliet is the most beautiful love story ever!!!!!
Lori: deep breath
Lori: COLD IN MY PROFESSIONS, WARM IN MY FRIENDSHIPS
Dark: I'M NOT THE MURDERER!
Lin: You know, you saying I'm not the murderer is the same as Bruce Wayne saying I'm not Batman.
Thomas: I am a man with very high standards!
James: I can make macaroni.
Thomas: Oh no! You're meeting all of my standards!
Thomas: Ash, 1760 called, it wants its clothes back.
Ash: Hey, Thomas, 1830 called, you're dead and you wasted your time on earth.
Jarrod: We need to find a way to cut expenses. What can we live without?
Austin: Probably Felix.
Jarrod: Okay, you're driving and Felix and Em walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Austin: Definitely Felix. I would never hurt Em.
Jarrod:
Jarrod: The brakes, Austin. You hit the brakes.
Austin: You read my journal?
Felix: At first I didn't realize it was your journal. I thought it was a very sad handwritten novel.
Jarrod: Yes, I love all my children equally! Austin, Em, Mel and uh,
looks at smudged handwriting on hand
Jarrod: Febreeze
Felix: You didn't even try
Someone: Romeo and Juliet is the most beautiful love story ever!!!!!
Jarrod: deep breath
Jarrod: COLD IN MY PROFESSIONS, WARM IN MY FRIENDSHIPS
Felix: I'm not the murderer!!
Jarrod: You know, you saying I'm not the murderer is the same as Bruce Wayne saying I'm not Batman.
Austin: I am a man with very high standards for what people with social lives call friends!
Mel: I have some candy and I can make macaroni.
Austin: Oh no! You're meeting all of my standards!
(Also this thread is how I learned about Hamilton and Laurens thanks to the COLD IN MY PROFESSIONS, WARM IN MY FRIENDSHIPS thing, so thank y'all)
(You're welcome. :) )
Jon: We need to find a way to cut expenses. What can we live without?
Oliver: Probably Darius.
Phillip: Yes, I love all my children equally! Cordelia, Christopher, Eleanor, Georgie, and uh…
Phillip: Looks at smudged handwriting on hand
Phillip: Gravy
Gabriel: You didn't even try.
Someone: Romeo and Juliet is the most beautiful love story ever!!!!!
Della: Deep breath
Della: Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest-
(Okay but the Romeo and Juliet one is 100% me with a certain ship…)
cisco: okay, you're driving and catori and kas walk into the road. quick, what do you hit?
nicky: definitely catori. i would never hurt kas
cisco:
cisco: the brakes, nicholas. you hit the brakes.
kas: you read my journal?
catori, only slightly apologetic: at first i didn't realize it was your journal. i thought it was a very sad handwritten novel.
someone: romeo and juliet is the most beautiful love story ever!!!!!
jo, ultimate catorixcaroline 'shipper': deep breath
jo: wHEN EVERYTHING WAS FADING TO BLACK, YOU MADE ME FIGHT-
jo: i am a man with very high standards for what people with social lives call friends!
catori: i have knives and like punching cryptids
jo: oh no! you're meeting all of my standards!
(and that's canon-)
(I love them already)
((fghgf))
Joan: Okay, you're driving and Nich and Nell walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Therese: Definitely Nich. I would never hurt Nell.
Joan:
Joan: The brakes, Therese. You hit the brakes.
Beck: You read my journal?
Marisol, only slightly apologetic: At first I didn't realize it was your journal. I thought it was a very sad handwritten novel.
Milo: I love when people speak their minds and express themselves.
Keyla: This is so funny because i love it when people are fake and lie constantly to me.
Jackie, to Holly: I accidentally killed a bunch of crows today.
Ara, walking by: Actually, it's called a murder.
Jackie: I know what I did! You don't have to remind me!
Richard: Yes, I love all my children equally! Alexander and uh…
Richard: *Looks at smudged handwriting on hand*
Richard: Marble.
Matthew: You didn't even try.
Gerard: I don't know how many cookies it takes to be happy but so far it's not 37.
Kate: I love when people speak their minds and express themselves.
Kristi: This is so funny because I love it when people are fake and lie constantly to me.
Jackson, to Morgan: I accidentally killed a bunch of crows today.
Victor, walking by: Actually, it's called a murder.
Jackson: I know what I did! You don't have to remind me!
Mr. Grant: Yes, I love all my children equally! Claire and uh…
Mr. Grant: Looks at smudged handwriting on hand
Mr. Grant: Vertex.
Victor: You didn't even try.
Jack: I'm not a murderer!
Cyrus: You know, you saying you're not a murderer is the same as Bruce Wayne saying he's not Batman.
Jack: Yes, I love all my coworkers equally! Cyrus, Quill, Anthony, and uh…
Jack: Looks at smudged handwriting on hand
Jack: Delta.
Dally: You didn't even try.
Dally, to Anthony: I accidentally killed a bunch of crows today.
Quill, walking by: Actually, it's called a murder.
Dally: I know what I did! You don't have to remind me!
Anthony: You read my journal?
Cyrus, only slightly apologetic: At first I didn't realize it was your journal. I thought it was a very sad handwritten novel.
Matt: Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me. Wait, how did you find me?
Lin: You hadn't done something super annoying to us for like, five hours, so we knew something was up.
Matt: I started off by making a map of all the heart attacks that have gone down near the border in 5 years to see if there was a pattern.
Matt: points to a cork board completely filled with push pins That led me to this.
Matt: There are so many heart attacks here.
Matt: No one should live here.
Lin: Alright, since I'm the boss, I'll drive. Who wants shotgun?
Dark: You can't be serious. You ran over Moses this morning.
Lin: Well everyone INSIDE the car was fine, Dark!
Lin: Okay, I have an announcement.
Dark: You pushed Matt out the window.
Lin: No.
Dark: You shot my dad?
Lin: No. That is not funny, I love my employees.
Lin: Even though I hit Moses with my car.
Lin: What am I allergic to?
Will: Pine nuts and the full spectrum of human emotion.
Moses: The Chief looks young enough to blend in.
Aiza: You're not exactly Old Man River, and Matt looks younger than us.
Matt: Time will come when you don't make fun of me for that. You'll be jealous. You'll be jealous, wrinkly old hags.
Dark: Once, Misa sneezed and I said shut the fuck up instead of bless you.
Oshiraishi: How do you accidentally say shut the fuck up?
Lin: sneezes
Dark: Bless you.
Lin: You blessed me?
Dark:
Lin: The murderer has a God complex. . . . you're the murderer aren't you?
Dark: It is becoming increasingly difficult to be polite to you.
Dark: I have feelings for you.
Misa: You do?
Dark: Yes. I feel you're a little annoying.
Minori: I accidentally ate Lin's chocolate. How long do I have left to live?
Lin, from behind her: Ten.
Minori: Ten? Ten what?
Dark, checking his watch: Nine. . .
Matthew: You're embarrassing.
Sebastian: Let go of my hand then.
Matthew: No.
Taeok: I have never done anything bad to JJ in my life.
Elijah: You tried to convince him that he wasn't American…
Elijah: and he BELIEVED you!
Myung: Why is Tony always putting the dishes away so loudly?
Ezra: To let everyone know that no one helps around the house.
Adrian, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with, uh…seven espresso shots?
Jack, standing in line behind him: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.
Jungwoo: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Byungho, crying: Please just say fuck.
Hyungwon: Can you guys just behave for five minutes?
Maeng, sitting in Seokju's lap: Our record is three.
Marisol, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with, uh…seven espresso shots?
Beck, standing in line behind her: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine-
Victor: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Geneva: Please just say fuck.
catori, counting on her fingers: can i get a pumpkin spice frappe with….seven espresso shots?
caroline, standing in line behind her: jesus christ, just do cocaine–
Marian: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Beatrice: Please just say fuck.
Em, crying, to Austin: I accidentally killed a bunch of crows today.
Jarrod, walking by: Actually, it's called a murder.
Em: I know what I did! You don't have to remind me!
Felix: Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me. Wait, how did you find me?
Jarrod: You hadn't done something super annoying to us for like, five hours, so we knew something was up.
(Canonically, Felix is a god awful driver who lost his license ages ago, so this fits very well)
Felix: Alright, since I'm the Boss, I'll drive. Who wants shotgun?
Jarrod: You can't be serious. You hit Austin this morning.
Felix: Well everyone INSIDE the car was fine, Jarrod!
Felix: Okay, I have an announcement.
Jarrod: You shot someone.
Felix: No.
Jarrod: You shot Austin?
Felix: No. That isn't funny, I love my friends.
Felix: Even though I hit Austin with a car.
Felix: What am I allergic to?
Jarrod: Pine nuts and the full spectrum of human emotion.
Jarrod: Felix looks like he's 17 despite being over 100, he blends in well.
Austin: You're not exactly Old Man River, and Felix looks younger than you.
Felix: Time will come when you don't make fun of me for that. You'll be jealous. You'll be jealous, wrinkly old hags.
Austin: Once, Mel sneezed and I said shut the fuck up instead of bless you.
Jarrod: How do you accidentally say shut the fuck up?
Austin: sneezes
Jarrod: Bless you.
Austin: You blessed me?
Jarrod:
Austin: The doctor had a God complex. . . . you're him, aren't you?
Jarrod: It is becoming increasingly difficult to be polite to you.
Jarrod: I have feelings for you.
Felix: You do?
Jarrod: Yes. I feel you're a little annoying.
Felix: I accidentally ate Austin's chocolate. How long do I have left to live?
Austin, from behind him: Ten.
Felix: Ten? Ten what?
Jarrod, checking his watch: Nine. . .
Felix: You're embarrassing.
Jarrod: Let go of my hand then.
Felix: No.
Felix: I have never done anything bad to Em in my life.
Austin: You tried to convince her that birds live on clouds…
Austin: and she BELIEVED you!
Austin: Why is Jarrod always putting the dishes away so loudly?
Felix: To let everyone know that no one helps around the house.
Felix: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Jarrod, rubbing his face: Please just say fuck.
Jarrod: Can you just behave for five minutes?
Felix: My record is three.
Lyra: Alright, I'll drive. Who wants shotgun?
Dima: You can't be serious. You hit Trix this morning.
Lyra: Well everyone inside the car was fine, Dmitry!
Ozzie: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Sybil: Please just say fuck.
Kingo: Oh no, there’s only one bed. What will we do? ;)
Kuli:
Kingo:
Kingo, on the floor with Kuli on the bed: :(
Nowata: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Gueni, rubbing his face: Please just say fuck.
Beni: I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual.
Kingo: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
Kuli: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don’t give a fuck about anybody.
Kingo: If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that’s between you and the gods.
Nowata:
Nowata: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons??
Tauro: Wow, Gueni is handsome.
Random hunter: Aww, don’t be jealous, sir. You’re handsome too.
Tauro: I’m not being jealous, dude, I’m being gay.
Gueni: We commend the body of my fallen friend, Narhata, to the abode of the damned.
Gueni: The damned good looking.
Kuli:
Kingo:
Nowata:
Beni:
Gueni: Narhata begged me to tell that joke at his funeral.
Kingo: When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
Beni: That’s a genius move.
Kingo: Thank you.
Beni: You’re welcome, Nowata.
Gueni: You're my friend, but you are a terrible person to talk to about personal stuff.
Tauro: Thank you.
Beni: We need to distract the enemies from coming over here!
Beni: Quick, Gueni, start talking about boring nerd stuff!
Gueni: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.
Beni: Yes, that's perfect. just like that. keep going
Nowata: Beni, I can’t sleep I’m scared.
Beni: Oh brother, don’t be scared~
Nowata:….
Beni: BE TERRIFIED screams to scare him
Nowata: screams because he’s scared
Nowata, Beni: both screaming
Gueni: ._.
Gueni: Remember, murder is never the answer.
Kuli: Of course. Murder is the question.
Kuli: And the answer is yes.
Beni, drunk, at 2 am: Snakes have this thing called hemipenis, it means they have two dicks.
Gueni, equally drunk: Tauro has two dicks.
Gueni: One in his pants, one in his personality.
Gueni: What are you doing there, buddy?
Nowata: I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey. They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face. chokes I think I just swallowed one.
Gueni: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets' nest.
Nowata: I just don't think there's any science to support that.
Gueni: There's some very basic science there supporting that.
Nowata: No. No.
Gueni: Trust me.
Goro: The path to inner peace begins with four words
Beni: Not my fucking problem?
Goro: NO
Taino: What exactly is your relationship with Kuli?
Naimaru: Strictly professional. Just friends
Taino: Is it just professional or just platonic?
Naimaru: Coworkers with benefits
Gueni: Thank you, Beni, thank you, Nowata, thank you, Kuli, for all your help.
Kingo: What about me? You didn't thank me.
Gueni: You didn't do anything.
Kingo: I like being thanked.
Nowata: Is Naimaru hitting on Kuli?
Kingo: Not successfully.
Beni’s Phone: rings
Nowata: “Daddy”? but we don’t have a dad, who is it?
Beni: answers phone hey, Gueni.
Nowata: chokes
Beni: In honor of bi awareness week, be aware of me.
Beni: Pay attention to me.
Beni: Look at me. I'm amazing.
Kingo: Consider the following
Kingo: Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seat so they're YEET-belts!
Gueni: muttering under his breath What the fuck is a yeet
Nowata: Can I get a venti caramel latte with uhh 7 expresso shots
Kuli: Jesus Christ just do cocaine
Sanji: Oh no, there’s only one bed. What will we do? ;)
Nami:
Sanji:
Sanji, on the floor with Nami on the bed: :(
Jax: Oh fiddlesticks, that really ruffles my feathers!
Law, rubbing his face: Please just say fuck.
Estella: I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual.
Brook: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
Zoro: Wow, Sanji is handsome.
Nami: Aww, don’t be jealous. You’re handsome too.
Zoro: I’m not being jealous, Nami, I’m being gay.
Azami: We commend the body of my fallen friend, Sanji, to the abode of the damned.
Azami: The damned good looking.
Nami:
Usopp:
Zoro:
Luffy:
Azami: Sanji begged me to tell that joke at his funeral.
Zoro: When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
Sanji: That’s a genius move.
Zoro: Thank you.
Sanji: You’re welcome, Usopp.
Luffy: Ace, I can’t sleep I’m scared.
Ace: Oh Luffy, don’t be scared~
Luffy:….
Ace: BE TERRIFIED screams to scare him
Luffy: screams because he’s scared
Luffy, Ace: both screaming
Sabo: ._.
Azami, drunk, at 2 am: Snakes have this thing called hemipenis, it means they have two dicks.
Sanji, equally drunk: Zoro has two dicks.
Sanji: One in his pants, one in his personality.
Chopper: What are you doing there, Luffy?
Luffy: I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey. They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face. chokes I think I just swallowed one.
Chopper: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets' nest.
Luffy: I just don't think there's any science to support that.
Chopper: There's some very basic science there supporting that.
Luffy: No. No.
Chopper: Trust me.
Nami: The path to inner peace begins with four words
Law: Not my fucking problem?
Nami: NO
Zoro: Is Sanji hitting on Nami?
Azami: Not successfully.
Nami: In honor of bi awareness week, be aware of me.
Nami: Pay attention to me.
Nami: Look at me. I'm amazing.
Luffy: Consider the following
Luffy: Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seat so they're YEET-belts!
Brook: muttering under his breath What the fuck is a yeet
Robin: Can I get a venti caramel latte with uhh 7 expresso shots
Franky: Jesus Christ just do cocaine
Kingo: Consider the following
Kingo: Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seat so they're YEET-belts!
Gueni: muttering under his breath What the fuck is a yet
(I started thinking of Bill Nye when I read that.)