Turns out when you have a brain that gets distracted every five minutes you’ve an actually get shit done if it’s 1 am
It's been proven that people with adhd are more productive at night so I mean-
cause there's less distractions so it might be a Distracted Person thing too
So that's why I have a sudden determination to be the fanfiction equivalent of Alexander Hamilton at 3 AM
The West Memphis 3 case fills me with ungodly rage. There are no words to describe how angry I am at all the shitheads involved I know I say that a lot but I'll stop soon because I'm almost done with the podcast episodes that are covering it
Would it be weird if I printed the 10 things I hate about you poem and put it on my photo wall?
Wow, I really hate myself. At least I have proper grammar.
It's that time again that I need to find my marching shoes and for context, every year my mom puts them in the hall closet and every year she asks what I did with them and I say "nothing, you took them" and she says "no I didn't" and then it turns out they're in the closet. So today she asks if I know where they are and I say "I don't know but probably in the closet because you always put them in the closet" and she says "no I don't. The only shoes I put in the closet are your rotc shoes and [sister]'s old ballet shoes." "No, those are in my room. Every year you say that you didn't do anything with them and every year they're in the closet."
And I just don't want to do this. Like now or ever. I'm a little glad that this is my last year and it's the last time we'll be having this conversation
I don't even know why I hurt myself. I just feel better afterwards like everything is more real and I feel less detached from reality. Is it worth the guilt that always follows? Probably not but I'm done with coloring and meditation and all that bullshit. Other than the guilt I feel better than I have in a long time. My parents are trying to get me thoroughly tested because of course they have no idea what to do. I haven't told them about the recent marks and I don't intend to.
So that's why I have a sudden determination to be the fanfiction equivalent of Alexander Hamilton at 3 AM
Perfect analogy Lol.
You probably feel better because it does do those things for you, you have made it your coping mechanism. It's the way you handle things. It does make you feel more grounded in reality, it does, that's what coping mechanisms do, just because it's unhealthy doesn't mean it doesn't work. It's a lot like drugs in a way, well actually literally it is taking drugs but not. because when you are harming your self that is making your brain go crazy with it's chemical production. But just like any coping mechanism that involves chemicals in your brain, there is a thresh hold.
In PE we learned about a training threshold, where your body is so used to the Work you are doing that it stops being beneficial, that's why you have to change up your work out routine if you want to continue to see progress. It's the same for chemical involved coping mechanisms, Eventually your body becomes used to the amount of chemicals it's getting and you no longer get the desired effect.
Hurting your self isn't super dangerous in the beginning , sure, I'll say it, a few cuts isn't going to kill you. What's going to kill you is when those first few don't so the job so you add more to them and suddenly you have passed out from blood loss. what happens if you go to deep and you hit a major vain or artery you're gone.
I'm not going to tell you the things you have heard a million times about self worth, I don't think that's the main issue I'm seeing. I think it comes down to this being a habit and, in reality, an addiction. I doubt you will get over this until you find something to replace it. At it's core this a is a habit, and you get rid of old unhealthy habits by replacing them with healthy ones. Meditation might not be for you , neither is coloring. Those aren't your only options, figure out what will work for you exercise is something that might be really beneficial as a transitional coping mechanism, not a permanent one but it's better than hurting yourself. and you'll get the right chemicals until you figure out something else. The other big thing to breaking habits is removing yourself from the places where you often do this. try to stay away from places and circumstances that you end up hurting you self in.
This may not be super helpful, It might even back fire and I am so sorry if it does.
The depressed side of me is disappointed but thankful. The psychology nerd side of me is fascinated. I haven't yet noticed a decrease is benefit over time but it would make sense if that happened. Anyways I'm getting tested and sent to a psychiatrist and IOP and possibly a mental hospital at some point so that'll either help or make me significantly worse.
The West Memphis 3 case fills me with ungodly rage. There are no words to describe how angry I am at all the shitheads involved
I know I say that a lot but I'll stop soon because I'm almost done with the podcast episodes that are covering it
Look up "McMartin Preschool Case".
So, my first day of school is technically over. I'm supposed to have one more class, but I TA this hour and can't really TA because it is all online. I don't know how to feel. My first day of my senior year . . . is done
Spoiler - click to show.
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?
Whoops sorry. The post I'd just responded to was untagged so I forgot
I also apologize, I wasn't thinking as I should have been, I will add spoilers now.
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?Whoops sorry. The post I'd just responded to was untagged so I forgot
Did little miss perfect mess up.
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?Whoops sorry. The post I'd just responded to was untagged so I forgot
Did little miss perfect mess up.
Oh my GOLD leave her alone little miss deleted account.
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?Whoops sorry. The post I'd just responded to was untagged so I forgot
Did little miss perfect mess up.
Dude, that was so uncalled for, I can't even put it into words.
Spoiler - click to show.
do you ever know people who don't know what a spoiler tag is?Whoops sorry. The post I'd just responded to was untagged so I forgot
Did little miss perfect mess up.
not to be rude but uh
fuck off.
Spoiler - click to show.
I feel both. One after the other. But I feel guilty for literally everything so I don’t know
good news, my mom’s found me a therapist!
bad news, she’s explicitly looking for Christian™️ ones that use “natural” remedies and treatment instead of effective drugs, and the one mom found that she thought would be perfect for me specifically states on her bio that she “believes in traditional gender roles” and is “there to help young teens find their way in Christ”…
Nothing against traditional Christians, I am one myself, but the thought of having a therapist who’s main focus is Christianity and making me more Christian gives me horrible vibes, I can just see the image of this lady in a chair trying to get me to tell her every detail of my delusions only to tell me I’m invalid cause 1 Samuel 20:30 states so and will continue to try and treat my issues with bible verses in an attempt to mold me into a good, straight, feminine, traditional, church-going, stay-at-home mother of 26 kids who only uses art as a hobby and is complete property of her abusive husband
this is probably an overreaction but regardless I’m terrified-
Oh, Ella, that sucks, I'm sorry :/ can you explain to your parents that you would prefer a therapist that would actually give you a prescription or something? Or just find some sort of excuse as to why that therapist doesn't work for you?