I really don't feel like existing anymore

I really don't feel like existing anymore

You're worth it. I don't know you very well, but I promise you're worth it.

Brooklyn some solid advice that my mother told me is to never make decisions after 8:30 pm.
Because no matter how used you are to staying up late, everything is better after you sleep, everything is worse at night. So my advice to you this time is to go to sleep, I bet my boots that you will feel at least somewhat better in the morning after you have slept.

^^^^^^^^^^

man I had some horrible nightmares last night-

Sorry, didn't mean to worry anyone, I was just tired

man I had some horrible nightmares last night-

Sucks.

the first one I don’t remember much about, I was making cookies to try and cheer up my family but next thing I know my mom’s screaming at me about how she can’t deal with my bullshit anymore, she hates me more than anyone else in the world and wishes she wasn’t so pro-life so she could’ve killed me before I could ever hurt her-
after crying for a solid 10 minutes my dad tried to comfort me, but the moment I started tearing up he pulled my hair and told me that I better not dare try and guilt trip him, I’ve caused my family so much pain that I should be grateful they didn’t abandon me
I woke up because apparently I’d been crying the whole time in real life and my pillow was soaked
I’ve never felt more relieved knowing it was a dream

The second one was a little more tame, as with most of my dreams we’re on a vacation at a large fancy hotel in the middle of a forest-y nowhere
It was pretty chill, my family just kinda sat around the living room playing board games and having a good time
but then I had to take a shower
the bathroom looked like a mix between a fancy ballroom and a rusty medieval torture device, but it wasn’t bad
once I was done however, I looked in the mirror and my face, my arms, every inch of me was covered in self-inflicted bruises, scars, cuts, and cracks.
I looked like a zombie…
I was absolutely terrified, I tried to cover it up with paints, pencils, and art supplies but it was no use, I was still hideous shades of green, black, and red, and I could feel stinging all over
it was terrifying

Oh my goodness. Those are so horrible. That is ghastly. My condolences for the first one. And the second… yikes.
But I will admit that one would make great writing or film.

https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/poem#post_2232149

Apparently, I have a pinched nerve on my fingertip which really sucks because I have a paper due and it is my ring-finger on my left hand which is the main finger when I type or do almost anything else (I know it is a weird finger to use, trust me, people tell me a lot) but it feels weird to functions without it.

Well, I was having a good day until things happened and then RSD decided to rear its ugly head. But I'm going over to my friend's house for a section party tomorrow which will either be really fun or horribly draining.

a lot is happening right now. tw for uh death s/h suicide idk it's just a lot there's just a lot

y'know, okay. semi-related to my giant spoiler-tagged rant above. i just miss feeling like the world was bigger than me and i could get lost in it. i miss having the knowledge that i could go to a concert or a party whenever i wanted or get another foodservice job to pay the bills without having to worry about contracting a hyper-contagious respiratory virus or take a random bus trip downtown or to the north shore. i hate feeling like it's just me, my apartment, 4 of my friends, and the park. i am a Creature of Variety~ and i just feel so cooped up and uninspired whereas this time last year i felt like i was on the precipice of something wonderful (and i was). the void in my soul that just longs and longs and longs is growing exponentially like it hasn't done in years. i miss feeling like i was a part of a whole and like there were things i could melt into and disappear in. i miss big crowds!!! i went to a couple protests but i can't go anymore because my partner has asthma and infection rates are high here right now. i just feel so restless and trapped

I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathies. Hang in there, we all know it gets better at some point.

This is really stupid but I did a high kick today and my foot went numb and now my leg hurts, should I be concerned?

This is really stupid but I did a high kick today and my foot went numb and now my leg hurts, should I be concerned?

be cautious with it, i did that with my arm one time and it turned out i pulled the muscle

Hi Lotte, You amaze me, let me explain.
I am a young stupid teen who lives in a small middle of nowhere town, I've never gone somewhere by myself. I've never had to provide for my self, I haven't had to make major life choices. Those things, they terrify me. In reality I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I'm terrified of being trapped but leaving the cage seems just as scary. You've done that, you left home, you went off to collage, you've had to figure things out on your own, from the sound of it you've had to provide for yourself. I don't know if you consider that an accomplishment, but I do. I think you're strong in way's I will never be. That's ok, I will be strong in way's you will be weak, and it's alright to have those weaknesses. It's Alright to feel scared, It's alright to be human. Being afraid isn't bad, weaknesses aren't bad, They are weaknesses, and that's that. Right now you seem unsure, you seem afraid of being stuck and trapped, it's ok to feel that way, you are not a lesser person because you morn lost experiences.
As for having to come home, I have five sisters who came back home after being out in the world, each one for a different reason and all of them reacted differently, I'm just going to assign them numbers. 1 reacted to being home by forgetting how to be her own person, she stopped being herself.
2 reacted to being home by trying to be in control of every situation she could, watching her try and control a toddler is both amusing and sad. She wont except advice or criticisms on how she lives her life. She has no Idea of how to move forward so she's decided to just not move forward.
3 reacted by becoming angry at the world and at our parents. She Hates feeling dependent on them, she wishes so much to leave that she ends up hurting a lot of people.
4 came home and reacted by deciding that this wasn't going to be her end, she was going to get out of this. She has a job while raising a toddler, while going to collage. She reacted by deciding to use where she was as a boost to go further.
5 reacted by falling back into old routines and rolls.
I tell you this to show you that the circumstances of your return home set aside you have control over how you act when you get home. Remember you are an adult, your parents are still your parents but they are no longer in charge of you, you are responsible for you. Each of my siblings acted a different way when they came home and the only ones who made it out happily, where ones that made it clear that this was a temporary stepping stone. They made it clear to my parents that they are in charge of themselves and they are not children. Lotte you are an adult, you are in charge of yourself, your parents help you, they have helped you, but they are not in charge of you.

thank you rels, you’ve offered me a perspective i often fail to consider, or just forget to consider. when i was home this spring, i told myself i would do whatever it took to live away from home in the summer, and that did mean providing for myself, so my mom was convinced i would run out of money or get into a lot of trouble somehow. i’m leaving in only a little over a week, and though things are tight, i’m surviving, so if nothing else, she can’t doubt my ability to sustain myself anymore, and it’s only a month. honestly, that should be freeing for her too, not just me, because now she can worry less. things are gonna be okay i just need to maintain my sense of self without my usual surroundings and really, i’ve been doing that to some degree this whole pandemic

i’m bad at helping people so
hug
<3<3<3

<3 hugs

Ayyy I love not being able to understand things until they're meticulously explained to me in exactly the right way and I love how that and my inability to decide what's relevant and think ahead to what will be relevant to what I'm saying in like twenty seconds combine to make me over explain everything and repeat myself a dozen times. And I love how if I actually do have adhd, my entire personality except "bitch" isn't actually my personality it's just a bunch of symptoms, and it'll just leave a hollow shell of rage

i want to cry
every attempt, every possible way I’ve found to try and fix myself, to give me some sort of hope that everything will be okay and I don’t have to go, it always fails-
I’ve tried everything, from knives, glue, and fabric to nearly stitching up my own skin, but nothing ever works.
this world clearly just wants me dead.
I have no hope left. I tell myself the same story every night, how everything could magically turn out ok, but the more I hear it the less truthful it gets.
There’s not a chance in hell I’ll make it out alive…

I hate venting here cause it’s always the same exact shit- I never seem to change, and I’m sure everyone’s tired of it - but I’m scared if I don’t say something I’ll end up trying to vent through more violent forms, which would not be good, and I know you guys don’t want that either
y’all don’t have to respond to me if it gets too repetitive, I just need a place to scream

Go to sleep. Muffin.

_{(I keep mentally calling ya'll Lovey because that's what I call my younger siblings and friends so if I slip and call any of ya'll Lovey that's why)}

Ella, Number one, Dom is right, sleep is the best answer.
Things wont ever get better over night, your right that story you are telling your self isn't true. Things don't just get better. Ella feeling ok is a war, you are going to loose battles and you are going to win them, but it is a war that you will be fighting for a long time, maybe even your whole life. It's hard to loose so many battles in a row and be miserable day after day after miserable day. It's difficult to be happy, any one who says other wise is selling something. But just like you are not in life alone, you are not fighting this war alone, you have people around you ready to charge into battle with you. Wining a battle is a great feeling, and when it happens over and over again it can be hard to remember that you have to work at being happy so you stop working so hard at it and then before you know it you are loosing that battle again. I know that feeling Ella, I've been there, we all have been there, it sucks, But if you keep on going and working, it will get better. Don't you quit Ella.