forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

My comprehension abilities have gone way down recently and I don't know why but I'm really annoyed

I feel.

I'm very frustrated with someone who continually manipulates me and hurts me and makes me feel like garbage when I don't fall for it. I'm so tired.

i want to cry
every attempt, every possible way I’ve found to try and fix myself, to give me some sort of hope that everything will be okay and I don’t have to go, it always fails-
I’ve tried everything, from knives, glue, and fabric to nearly stitching up my own skin, but nothing ever works.
this world clearly just wants me dead.
I have no hope left. I tell myself the same story every night, how everything could magically turn out ok, but the more I hear it the less truthful it gets.
There’s not a chance in hell I’ll make it out alive…

I hate venting here cause it’s always the same exact shit- I never seem to change, and I’m sure everyone’s tired of it - but I’m scared if I don’t say something I’ll end up trying to vent through more violent forms, which would not be good, and I know you guys don’t want that either
y’all don’t have to respond to me if it gets too repetitive, I just need a place to scream

You deserve to have a space to vent and it's good you do instead of hurting yourself, but also, you're worth it. The world doesn't want you dead, things are darkest before the dawn. Everything will turn out okay. It just has to get better.

a lot is happening right now. tw for uh death s/h suicide idk it's just a lot there's just a lot

Spoiler - click to show.

so first of all. my grandma might have/probably has pancreatic cancer. that will probably be a death sentence for her, given that she's nearing 80 and is in generally poor shape anyway. i'm able to make peace with that, because she's very old and very frail and i'm 20 and all my grandparents are still alive so i figured someone would go soon and she's very religious so she's made peace with her god. it's sad, but she's lived a long life. but what gets me a lot is less that "i will lose my grandma" and more that "my mom will lose her mom," because it makes me feel like i have to confront the fact that someday i'll lose my mom and despite our tumultuous relationship i really truly love my mom, and now i live away from home almost all of the time so this is it, my parents are adults and i'm for all intents and purposes an adult and this is the phase of my life in which i'll lose them. that fucks me up so much. and yet…

Spoiler - click to show.

i will probably have to be home for virtually the whole month of august and that's also fucking me up. i'm living in an on-campus apt in the fall and my university did a poor job at communicating move-in dates (as universities are wont to do right now) so i signed the end of my sublease this summer as weeks earlier than i should have because my school said the semester was starting early. and now i have to move out august 2nd and i don't have any place to move back into until the last week of august (and i still don't know exactly when!). it's hitting me now that i am going to be home from AUGUST 2ND until august 20-something at best, august 31st at worst, and that's too long. as much as i love my parents, being around them for too long not only whittles away at whatever relationship we've built in the years since i started recovering but also, whittles away at my recovery and TANKS my mental health. i'm literally fucking terrified i don't think i can handle a month at home i feel sick just thinking about it. there's a reason i made the dumbass decision of spending $2000 worth of my grant money on living expenses in pittsburgh for the summer because I CANNOT BE AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE WEEKS AT A TIME WITHOUT WANTING TO DIE and it's not even like looking forward to the school year can tie me over like it did when i was stuck at home last summer because who knows what the school year is going to look like??? it's not like i'll be able to participate in extracurriculars as much, it's not like there'll be a bunch of fun o-week parties like there usually are, so many of my friends are graduating and moving away at the end of the summer so i'll lose all of them and i might not be here to say goodbye, what is there to look forward to??? truly??? and it's not like this country is gonna get it's shit together anytime soon so right now it feels like my last two years of college, which would have been and should have been and briefly was the best time of my life, is just lost. it's lost! because people are selfish dicks who don't comprehend delayed gratification!!! the longer you act like things are normal the longer it's going to take for things to actually be normal!! and that brings me to another point!!….

Spoiler - click to show.

everything is fucking awful and i can't do anything about it!!! not to sound like a pretentious head-in-the-clouds writer douchebag but i can't control the world like i can control the worlds in my head and every time i'm thrust away from my escapism thaaat just HITS ME! all at once! i use my platform in the ways that i can but i don't HAVE a platform, i have maybe 2500 people who follow me altogether on social media, less that actually pay attention to what i post, i just simply do not have the capacity to change things and i just simply can't be happy until things change!! i feel trapped, i feel like i'm living in a dystopia, i want to kill myself but i don't have the motivation, i don't have the motivation to do anything but talk/write about my ocs and not even my actual story, just random useless extra-canon shit about my ocs. i'm fucking falling apart here ugh i can't even cut myself because i can't afford razor blades because my landlord dicked me over with the utilities by increasing my rate without telling me. i feel pathetic and powerless and stupid and exhausted and i just want to enter a nice long coma until this covid shit is over and best of all, i'm so completely overreacting right now!! and i know it!!!! but i can't stop!

I agree with Relsey, you are brave in a way that I'm very scared to be. You love your mom even though she's hurt you, that's very mature on its own. I kind of hate my parents sometimes, especially my dad, but I still want to be at home because I'm scared not to be. You clearly have love for your parents, and yet you're independent and brave enough to know you need to be away from home and to WANT to leave. I'm so scared of going to college next year and I'm probably going to still be living at home, and even when I fantasize about going far away, I know I can't do it. You've gone, well I don't know how far away, but clearly away, and you want to stay away. I can only hope to one day have the guts to that.

I'm very frustrated with someone who continually manipulates me and hurts me and makes me feel like garbage when I don't fall for it. I'm so tired.

I don't know if you can cut this person out of your life or not, but you definitely should, especially since its a toxic relationship…. If it is someone that you can't cut out of your life at this time, I want to suggest that you write them a letter (you don't have to give it to them). Simply writing out all the reasons why you're frustrated with them can be extremely beneficial.

this is weird-
today is a surprisingly good day?!

this is weird-
today is a surprisingly good day?!

Everyday should be a good day

Just realized all my emotions other than sadness are manufactured. Shocked and upset.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

Well I spent four hours with people and it wasn't horrible. But now I'm kinda sad and I don't know why

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

i just surprised my grandparents with their commissioned dog portrait and they started crying and i started crying and man those months of work were so worth it-

I am glad you felt joy.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

:(

i just surprised my grandparents with their commissioned dog portrait and they started crying and i started crying and man those months of work were so worth it-

that's so lovely!!!!

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

:(

My mom was mad. It was a green orange. I was saving it because it was an orange that was green.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

:(

My mom was mad. It was a green orange. I was saving it because it was an orange that was green.

That makes it a green

this is weird-
today is a surprisingly good day?!

Same!
I went to one of my favorite towns, swam a lot, bought some books (I got a gorgeous copy of The Taming of the Shrew!) and got to go on a nice long car ride. A good day, minus my brief existential crisis but we don't need to dwell on that.

every time i stumble upon the orange by wendy cope it makes me burst into tears. why am i like this

I hid an orange. It got found. :(

:(

My mom was mad. It was a green orange. I was saving it because it was an orange that was green.

That makes it a green

You are the only one who understands. I was going to make a video for Byte about the Green.

Also I know I mentioned it before, but I got to hang with Ren for a whole morning (she lives like two hours away and we hadn't seen each other in like two years. There was a good hug) and we had the most wonderful time.

Turns out when you have a brain that gets distracted every five minutes you’ve an actually get shit done if it’s 1 am

Reading the DSM 5 like a goddamn checklist. Depressive disorder? Moderate. Anxiety disorder? Severe. Sleep Disorder? Insomnia and Apnea. Disassociation Disorder? Derealization/Depersonalization. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Body Dysmorphia.

Turns out when you have a brain that gets distracted every five minutes you’ve an actually get shit done if it’s 1 am

It's been proven that people with adhd are more productive at night so I mean- cause there's less distractions so it might be a Distracted Person thing too

Turns out when you have a brain that gets distracted every five minutes you’ve an actually get shit done if it’s 1 am

It's been proven that people with adhd are more productive at night so I mean- cause there's less distractions so it might be a Distracted Person thing too

I don’t have adhd
I just get distracted easily