TW: ab*se, paranoia, hallucinations
(It isn’t letting me do the spoiler thing, so just scroll past this really fast if you don’t wanna see it)
I just now realized that one of the reasons why I’m so insecure about my body as a trans man is because my abuser not only sexually abused and r*ped me, but also repeatedly denied my identity, and that’s carried over into my current relationship. I usually find myself avoiding sexual situations with my boyfriend, because I’m worried that he’ll see me as more feminine when I have my clothes off, even though he’s told me multiple times that isn’t the case. I can’t handle anyone touching my boobs, since my abuser did that to me a lot, so my binder just stays on if/when we do anything. He’s very supportive, and has been incredibly patient with me, and that means the world to me, especially since I’m used to being told that I’m just exaggerating or that my problems don’t matter. I hate that what my abuser did is hindering this relationship, because I want to trust my boyfriend so so badly, but my brain isn’t letting me.
I have hallucinations pretty frequently, and more recently I’ve started having olfactory hallucinations. I’ll be in my house or something and I’ll smell what my abuser smelled like for a couple seconds and then it’d be gone, and it really shakes me up every time. I know the smell wasn’t real, because he smelled like a very specific laundry detergent (I don’t know which one it is, but it’s not the one I use) and a very specific second hand smoke smell (my parents don’t smoke).
I also go into these paranoiac episodes where I think that my abuser is some sort of monster that can take other people’s skin and wear it, which makes it really really hard for me to trust people sometimes. I’ve come up with a few ways for me to make sure that people aren’t him. If they’re a lot taller or shorter than him, or a vastly different build, I can rule those people out. Another way for me to narrow them down is eyes, but only if I know the person really well and can recognize their eyes, and looking at their teeth. He had a chip in one of his front teeth. I know that all of this is complete nonsense, but sometimes I genuinely believe this stuff and I hate it. It makes me feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy, and the worst part is that I’m not very good at stopping those episodes quickly. I hate that he’s still affecting me this much, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I can’t empathize, because I have never been in your exact situation; but know that you’re going in the right directions. You can only control your mind so much. Sometimes it’s going to throw things at you that make no sense. I understand how horrible it is to be trapped in a cage made of smoke. You’re doing the right things. As ridiculous as your coping mechanisms might seem, it’s important to learn to deny false realities and acknowledge their falseness.
What you’re going through is a bit more dramatic than what everyone deals with, but all people live in lies. Knowing they are merely that is half the battle. One day this too shall pass. One day you will heal.
I find it funny that my mother chooses the time I have my period to always say shit about me. Because she knows I’ll get mad and she’ll have an excuse to put me in trouble and take away the things I love. So I think it’s really pissing her off that I’m acting “calm”, I’m doing it to piss her off.
Is she on her period too though?
Not to excuse her behavior but maybe she's more emotionally low and inhibited.
I don't think that should be an excuse to treat your own child the way she's acting.
Like most mother's get periods and yet not all of them try to get their child to engage with them in fighting by talking shit about them.
You also probably shouldn't speak on the matter if you've never had that experience. It sounds wayyyy too similar to the whole "this person is having emotions, they must be on their period 🤪" that we hear a lot.
Also it sounds like a repeat behavior, so I highly doubt that's the case- at least, not every time. Even if it was, hormonal moodiness doesn't lower your inhibitions when it comes to actually voicing those thoughts.
wondering if I have psychosis or if it's just the sleep deprivation fucking me over again
I am hearing shit and I am seeing shit out of the corner of my eyes and I am so fucking exhausted
wondering if I have psychosis or if it's just the sleep deprivation fucking me over again
I am hearing shit and I am seeing shit out of the corner of my eyes and I am so fucking exhausted
If you know it's not real, it's probably not psychosis.
Small hallucinations and confusions are common with sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress. Rest up m8.
wondering if I have psychosis or if it's just the sleep deprivation fucking me over again
I am hearing shit and I am seeing shit out of the corner of my eyes and I am so fucking exhausted
If you know it's not real, it's probably not psychosis.
Small hallucinations and confusions are common with sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress. Rest up m8.
Me: on the verge of tears, feeling too many emotions
The fucking bellringer: how was ur spring break? Terrible or great? :)
Me: on the verge of tears, feeling too many emotions
The fucking bellringer: how was ur spring break? Terrible or great? :)
DUDE SAME
bruh was urs last week too
Me: on the verge of tears, feeling too many emotions
The fucking bellringer: how was ur spring break? Terrible or great? :)
DUDE SAME
bruh was urs last week too
no my break was the week before last :'(
Aw
It'd be whack if we went to the same school
I wonder that sometimes
Like what if I'm passing notebookians in the halls
Aw
It'd be whack if we went to the same school
I wonder that sometimes
Like what if I'm passing notebookians in the halls
I've never wondered that but i'm definitely going to now.
Aw
It'd be whack if we went to the same school
I wonder that sometimes
Like what if I'm passing notebookians in the halls
I've never wondered that but i'm definitely going to now.
We must create some secret code
Aw
It'd be whack if we went to the same school
I wonder that sometimes
Like what if I'm passing notebookians in the halls
I've never wondered that but i'm definitely going to now.
We must create some secret code
What should it be
We must compile a list of all the notebook inside jokes into a list and create something from there
How about if we have a suspicion someone is using notebook, we ask them who created their favorite website
And if they say our lord and savior andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) then we know
A fun thing about (my) fibromyalgia is that every emotion goes straight to the body
A little worried? Time to have uncontrollable tremors disproportionate to the issue :)
Oh you're angry? You're arms are on fire now :D
You're brain can't handle all these thoughts! The more you think the bigger your headache gets!
I can see that you're very happy! I shall make your feet as heavy as lead weights (ok I don't get that one)
Really want to leave my group for my final project because we are doing our final project on mental health or other non-physical diseases (IDK how else to say it) but they are making jokes on autism and Im awkwardly sitting here like "Um… I have autism. Please stop" but I can't leave and I just want to
Say shut up stop being insensitive or I'll leave and if you complain I'll mention your horrid behavior
My ex boyfriend and I aren’t taking anymore, and it’s really really fucking me up. We didn’t have a fight or anything, we (mostly he) just thought it would be best if we didn’t talk anymore. I really, desperately want to text him and apologize and beg to talk again but I know that’ll just make things worse for him and I want to respect his decision but it’s so so hard
I’ve been trying to stay away from him but I feel so lonely and I don’t know what to do
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