TW: Mention of suicide (not me though, someone else)
Spoiler - click to show.
So here goes. My friend Beau committed suicide on the 24th of this month, this previous Sunday. Most of my friends and I who knew him didn't find out until our school's principal announced it over the school announcements during advisory the following Monday. I honestly can't put how I feel right now into words, but i'm going to try. I spent the entire day on Monday crying and sobbing, i even visited the counselors whom they had set up in the school's twenty first century room. I can't tell you guys what's worse, the sadness or the guilt. I miss him alot, and it makes me really upset to know he died feeling lonely and unwanted, I just hope he knows that wasn't true. It pains me more than I can describe to know I'll never see his face again, hear his voice, get a little doodle on the side of my paper, see what new cool thing he did with his hair, get a hug or see him smile. I just— im having a really hard time and my stepmom isn't making it any better, she told me when I came home from school on Monday that he was a coward and was where he belonged and I just— it's so painful, I just want the pain to stop. I really, really, really miss him and if I could give everything good in my life right now, which isn't much to be honest, to see him again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I thought after I cried everything out on Monday everything would get better, but it hasn't. It's gotten progressively worse each passing day. I dream about him and then I wake up and realise that everything in my dream wasn't real because he's gone. I wish I would've gotten over my anxiety about be weird and told him how much I loved him for who he was, told him how much I admired him for the bold choices he made, the fact that he was unafraid of what people would say about him because of it. There's a video my friend showed me of Beau getting followed into the bathroom (he had just gotten a buzzcut, where he dyed his hair pink and put red hearts all over his head) by another student, where they cornered him and began to tell him to kill himself. I just wish everything would stop, I know people are expecting me to get over it, but for me it feels like my whole life is falling apart. Maybe if I would have let him know how much I loved him, he would have felt he could have told me what was going on in his life and I could have tried to help.
Finals are kicking my ass 😔
I'm not very good at philosophy. And the creative writing portfolio is just not going to be what I want no matter how hard I try. I also have graduation in 2 weeks and I really don't want to talk to my mom or her parents, and I desperately wish my dad was able to be here with us, but what can you do?
Also feeling like I'm annoying, like my anxiety and self-deprecation over my academic abilities and achievements are annoying.
And like I'll be fine but I'm not having a good time <3
That said, after tomorrow, it's basically over.
Honestly Bec no need to feel annoying. Post what you want. If we don't feel up to handling it we can literally just scroll past. Reaching out is something I'm nearly incapable of so I encourage you to do anything to let the voice out. Might help
I'm more worried about annoying my partner lmao (which is completely unfounded, they've literally said as much).
But uhh, I just finished my philosophy final and it was fine. Also had my partner look over my writing portfolio stuff (they've taken the class before, and they're the English major to my STEM major), so now I'm feeling a little better about that.
Also absolutely hadn't taken my meds in like 4 days, and I was incredibly dehydrated :') So needless to say, I was having a Time
So, basically I feel like I have to break up with my partner. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated
I don’t want to break their heart but at the end of the day, I have changed so much since we started dating two years ago and they haven’t changed at all
They have pretty severe unmedicated ADHD. They fail almost all of their classes because of it. It’s upsetting to have to watch them just keep putting off work for later and then not be able to get it all done. I’ve literally had to stop talking to them at times because I know I’m just distracting them from getting their work finished.
They’re also not good at picking up social queues at all. It’s fun and great when I’m just their friend but at times it is embarrassing and just not appropriate for the setting. I can’t bring them with me to see movie musicals because I’m seriously afraid they’ll just start singing. They don’t have a lot of manners either. I know I have higher standards because I’m from a family where stuff like that is important but their hygiene habits just really bother me.
They don’t put a lot of effort into the way they dress which is fine, I don’t put too much effort into it either but they literally never put in the effort. The only time I really found them super attractive was when they were in costume for the musical they were in.
Biggest thing is probably love language. They love physical touch and for the most part, I can’t stand it in a romantic context. My ig love language is words of affirmation but without me having to ask for them all the time. I need someone who can support me and for the most part, they’re bad at picking up clues when I need it. I’ve also struggled with issues of sensory overload recently and they can’t tell whenever I don’t want to be touched. They grab me from behind a lot for hugs and it freaks me out so much and they somehow don’t notice???
Biggest thing is they’re in the closet. Their mother has threatened to move them out of state if she finds out they’re in a gay relationship. This puts a lot of pressure and stress on me and they just seem to not care about it at all. They’re so carefree and I’m dying of anxiety. They aren’t going to college so they’re not moving out and being on their own anytime soon and I just can’t do it. Even if we lived together, I don’t think our living style is compatible at all.
I feel like all of this is pointing to the fact that we should break up. But I don’t know how to do it or when can’t do it before school ends or they’ll probably fail their exams
Most of all I still feel like a massive asshole. I feel selfish. I feel like I’ve been leading them on. And I’m terrified of being lonely. I talk a lot with them about some of my characters and none of my other friends will talk about that stuff with me and I just. I don’t know what to do. Sorry for how long this is, I just wanted to fill y’all in on everything. If you guys have any advice or insight on if I’m doing something wrong I’d really appreciate it. But if not, no worries. I also really needed to just vent about this.
Well, it does sound like you should break up with them. I will start by saying that. And you're not compatible? It's like that sometimes. You're not selfish. You're not leading them on (because you really liked them at some point! It's just things have changed).
It may be hard to stay friends, but if you're having these doubts now, you're not going to be happy in this relationship. What would be selfish is asking your partner to change, or keeping them thinking you're going to move in together, etc. It sounds like you're in very different life stages regardless of (presumably) being a similar age). You really just need to rip the band aid off, so to speak. I know breakups are really hard, but they're also necessary sometimes. Don't settle for someone you're not compatible with just because you're afraid of being lonely.
I entered the house today after school a after a couple moments and getting a drink my mother just yells at me, "Where's that 10 dollars!"
Because I was supposed to add that to my lunch money like 3 months ago (which she keeps swearing up and down was 3 weeks). But of course that's what she keeps caring about.
No "Hi Mackenzie." Or "Hey how was your day?"
Of course that's what she worries about, It's like ever since I became a teenager and decided I didn't have to be her puppet, she's hated me
sites changed a lot in three-ish years…whoops ?
oh yes. also that. hello !
pretty fucking good actually,,, what about you ? living the dream I assume
Cool cool. Eh some good some bad
Usual ig Going to Texas for college next year
omg,, thats awesome man ! congrats. fucking mint 👌🏽
Thx. Gonna go to film school which used to be a huge dream for me. I had given up on it but an opportunity dropped to where I could reach
thats so cool ! congradulations ! proud of you and excited for you !
finishing high school aha. its a struggle,,, im losing more brain cells the more I try and write my essay on civil disobedience but gotta do what I gotta do aha
That would be the perfect essay to screw off on lmao
im gonna be actually brain dead by the time I finish it ngl
Do I have to be at work at 6am? Yes. Am I staying up all night to watch the planets align? Yes. Should I be cleaning my room so my mom will purchase me food? Yes. Am I destroying a jacket and scrolling through the internet instead? Yes. Also, I'm pretty sure my fan is haunted so thats fun
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