forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Thanks Ash, I'll be sure to tip the cleanup crew as well 👍

That's great to do, especially in hotter weather! The smell gets atrocious

i cant do this anymore
i really cant

i asked him why
he gave me good reasonable answers

god i cant fucking do this anymore
and because i have direct contact with one of his irl friends
he said she'll let me know if anything happens to him

god i-
please fucking kill me
i cant handle this

fren cryp told me that i would break under all this
and i thought i could tough it out
and eventually i found a way to cope
to just constantly seek out distractions so i dont feel as bad

but god fucking no
i have to face this now
trying to numb myself with the song that always makes me cry on repeat agian
it isnt working
i dont think my comfort song or comfort streamer will help either
please i just want to stop existing
i hate feelings

just
i dont want to be here
i can't i can't
im gonna break under this
i know i am
i cant do this anymore

and this situation?
it's not important at all to my dad that i'm suffering bc of this
ivegotten so good at hiding it
that evne tho ive told him 2 times now
he asked me if there was anything wrong this morning and i said no, and he didnt say a thing after that
thats how i know he forgot already
fuck
i have no one
my friends i barely get to speak with them over vc/irl

icanticanticant

Hollyyy crap. I messed up. I fricking messed up. I cant. My finals due tomorrow and I can't. I'm freaking out because of the shit I've been telling myself, "Do it later", "You still have time". I always understand that it's wrong to procrastinate but I'm a hypocrite. I always procrastinate. And last second I cry About it. It's my -cking grade. I cant be left-back. I've learned too much and I can't. I may leave Notebook to calm down and cope with myself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to myself, I've messed up to many times and this may be the one that costs me… Im in a bad place right now…

well, i fucked up. i really really fucked up.
i lied to my dad, i ended up hurting my brother when i was just trying to hang out near him, i lost my family's trust…
i'm sorry. i'm so goddamn sorry that i always mess up even when i have good intentions.
no one needs me. i'm better off dead.

Ok, I have moved away from this Chat for a while because for personal reasons, But you three I just really feel like I need to sip ant tell ya'll some things. So I'm handing you a blanket a cup of hot chocolate and some tissues as I say this. One person per post.

Izzy, You have done a lot, a lot of work and time and effort has been spent on these people and your friends and worrying about them in loving them and caring about them. Izzy love, You can't keep giving, you just can't, You are going to run out and you are running out, I can read it in your posts, you're at a breaking point, heck you are past a breaking point. Do what you can for them, because this is a serious situation, do what you can, contact someone who can get in contact with their parents or their local help line or something, get in contact let them know, that's what you can do. Tell them what you feel you can, and that's all you can do. You need to do things for you. I'm not saying to ignore when another friend is in distress, but you do need to stop taking responsibility for it. It isn't your fault, do not blame yourself. You did not cause them to think the way that they do. It is not your responsibility to feel guilty, it isn't your responsibility to feel like a failure. It is not. Sometimes you have to step away, I know it seems awful, just completely and utterly awful to step away when other people are hurting and you feel like you can help, but sometimes you can't. I'm sorry, that is not what you want to hear, but you can't help everyone, and you can't help all the time. Being told that feels terrible, and stepping away feels worse but Izzy, you are going to tear yourself to bits. You need to take a step back and work on you and care about you, and learn how to love you and appreciate you, you can't keep going on like this.
I don't often or ever tell people what they need to do, I just suggest, even strongly suggest. But Izzy this has been ripping you apart for so long and hurting you for so long, you need to make time for you, and I know that is hard. I know it's hard Because I know what it is like to not want to exist and, I know what it's like to shut down the emotions and just go numb as a survival mechanism. I know what it is like to blame yourself for another persons death, I know. I've been there Izzy, I was there for a very very long time.
You need to take care of you. spend one day, one entire day away from anything connecting you to anyone you emotionally support. Take a walk, draw something make some origami things, read a book. Just one day. See how you feel , and just come back slowly.
I apologize if I have stepped over a line here, it is very possible. I felt it necessary to say.

Ok, Grades, a lighter subject then the last one.
Look, Procrastinating sucks, especially when it has consequences, and even more when you know you shouldn't be doing it.
But guess what, one of those lies, you said you were saying, nope it's not a lie, that final isn't due until tomorrow, depending on where you live you have a few hours left, maybe only one, but that's time. Use it, thinking about how much you've procrastinated counts as procrastinating, pick up the pen open the tab and work on it. Because every single point you gain on that assignment by spending a little more time working on it, is a point.
In the end, school isn't everything, grades aren't everything, there is a life outside of school. You are worth more than your GPA, you amount to more than your GPA. Do your best but remember, the current Education system is Garbage at actually analyzing intelligence, at this point it's not even trying to pretend it's something other than garbage.

Ok, New person, First Hi,
You are better than your mistakes. You are more than your mistakes. Making mistakes is an unfortunate consequence of being a human being. You do not lose your worth because you have made a mistake.
You are worth more than other peoples opinions of you. You do not have to be defined by what people think of you. You do not exist to be needed by other people, you exist to be you. Helping and being needed by other people is not necessary to be a productive human being. You don't need to exist for other people, you are allowed to exist to be you.

Well, so far we're off to a great start this year. First another person's dog tries to kill my dog, then I learned that I'm going to be leaving for bootcamp in September, then my dad's life was put at risk during the riot at the capital, and to top it all off, I had paramedics in my house at 1:00 this morning. What great year this is turning out to be.

Ok, I have moved away from this Chat for a while because for personal reasons, But you three I just really feel like I need to sip ant tell ya'll some things. So I'm handing you a blanket a cup of hot chocolate and some tissues as I say this. One person per post.

Izzy, You have done a lot, a lot of work and time and effort has been spent on these people and your friends and worrying about them in loving them and caring about them. Izzy love, You can't keep giving, you just can't, You are going to run out and you are running out, I can read it in your posts, you're at a breaking point, heck you are past a breaking point. Do what you can for them, because this is a serious situation, do what you can, contact someone who can get in contact with their parents or their local help line or something, get in contact let them know, that's what you can do. Tell them what you feel you can, and that's all you can do. You need to do things for you. I'm not saying to ignore when another friend is in distress, but you do need to stop taking responsibility for it. It isn't your fault, do not blame yourself. You did not cause them to think the way that they do. It is not your responsibility to feel guilty, it isn't your responsibility to feel like a failure. It is not. Sometimes you have to step away, I know it seems awful, just completely and utterly awful to step away when other people are hurting and you feel like you can help, but sometimes you can't. I'm sorry, that is not what you want to hear, but you can't help everyone, and you can't help all the time. Being told that feels terrible, and stepping away feels worse but Izzy, you are going to tear yourself to bits. You need to take a step back and work on you and care about you, and learn how to love you and appreciate you, you can't keep going on like this.
I don't often or ever tell people what they need to do, I just suggest, even strongly suggest. But Izzy this has been ripping you apart for so long and hurting you for so long, you need to make time for you, and I know that is hard. I know it's hard Because I know what it is like to not want to exist and, I know what it's like to shut down the emotions and just go numb as a survival mechanism. I know what it is like to blame yourself for another persons death, I know. I've been there Izzy, I was there for a very very long time.
You need to take care of you. spend one day, one entire day away from anything connecting you to anyone you emotionally support. Take a walk, draw something make some origami things, read a book. Just one day. See how you feel , and just come back slowly.
I apologize if I have stepped over a line here, it is very possible. I felt it necessary to say.

its okay, relsey

i appreciate it
thank you

i think that's my cue to spend all of tomorrow preferably starting at midnight (it's already too late now) off of discord, and to limit my time on discord for now

i thought this year would improve things but now that my stepdad has been here for a few days i think i'm literally about to snap
he has been the hugest prick ever since he and my mom visited me and my boyfriend, and now things are complicated
whenever i treat him with the slightest bit of disrespect (though he is very deserving of such, he's a douche), he literally threatens to LEAVE AGAIN and it's driving me mad
he's whole-heartedly guilt-tripping me into being nice to him and i don't know what to do, because he's otherwise the biggest scumbag i've ever met, and i barely knew him to begin with (he left early on in my life) so him playing tricks just so i'll be nice to him gives me an even worse impression of him
i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm thinking of giving in but at the same time i don't want him to think i've lost my pride (he always goes on about how giving in to manipulation makes someone less of a human being and more of a prideless object)

Tw suicide and self harm

Do you have a counseling office at your school you can go to right now?

Technical oh, yeah, but not really…

Dude, at that rate, you need to talk to someone who can help you contact DFCS or whatever it's called. Emotional abuse is one thing and it's hard to pinpoint, but he should never ever touch you like that. Period. And if you're not ready for that call to be made, make a plan to.

I can't. I genuinely cannot, because he and my mother have done things like this for years, and will openly mock me for saying they hurt me or that it's abuse. Not to mention how I've been threatened with, I quote, "I'll give you something to call them over of you try to turn me in." He's got influence in the community, not to mention going on about how he'll get right out because he hasn't done anything wrong, and the system here in general is horrible still. I can't risk it

Swim, this is not okay. It wasn't okay before, but please try and get out of there. It's not safe for you and you're gonna get hurt even more. Don't take any steps that you aren't ready for, but something needs to be done soon for your sake.

i thought this year would imrove things but now that my stepdad has been here for a few days i think i'm literally about to snap
…
i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm thinking of giving in but at the same time i don't want him to think i've lost my pride (he always goes on about how giving in to manipulation makes someone less of a human being and more of a prideless object)

As for this, I think this is one of the situations where you unfortunately have to step back and be the bigger person. Now, if he attacks you verbally, you're allowed to defend, but there's no reason to instigate anything.
Pride can be dangerous and a pain in the ass. Now, I'm not that proud myself, so it might be easy for me to say, but definitely do your best to swallow it. Especially since his bullshit about manipulation is there. He already seems to be a dick. Don't let his thoughts on you dictate your actions, especially since it seems like no matter what, he's going to talk down on you.
Manipulation is NEVER the fault of the person being manipulated. It's a reflection of the cruel intent of the perpetrator.
Also, if it's your home, you have every right to tell him to leave if he crosses a boundary after you have tried to be cordial.

Swim, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Again, don't have to answer if you're not comfortable.

I'm 17. Even… Even if I was believed, my parents would probably still get away with it because I'm 'old enough to defend myself, or seek alternate housing' I'm sleeping on getting a job and a license, but there's too many non officially diagnosed things going on with me to really have a job. Plus, jobs I could have I can't because of school.

Do you have anyone you could move in with once you turn 18? Even as a temporary arrangement while you get on your feet and get a job and all that?

No. I don't have any friends I trust enough for me to stay and not be in fear of being taken care of except for two, but they aren't able to. My family would just take my parents' side in this, and the one person who I know wouldn't, my older brother, is in college and wouldn't be able to take me in

i thought this year would imrove things but now that my stepdad has been here for a few days i think i'm literally about to snap
…
i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm thinking of giving in but at the same time i don't want him to think i've lost my pride (he always goes on about how giving in to manipulation makes someone less of a human being and more of a prideless object)

As for this, I think this is one of the situations where you unfortunately have to step back and be the bigger person. Now, if he attacks you verbally, you're allowed to defend, but there's no reason to instigate anything.
Pride can be dangerous and a pain in the ass. Now, I'm not that proud myself, so it might be easy for me to say, but definitely do your best to swallow it. Especially since his bullshit about manipulation is there. He already seems to be a dick. Don't let his thoughts on you dictate your actions, especially since it seems like no matter what, he's going to talk down on you.
Manipulation is NEVER the fault of the person being manipulated. It's a reflection of the cruel intent of the perpetrator.
Also, if it's your home, you have every right to tell him to leave if he crosses a boundary after you have tried to be cordial.

yeah, i've tried to convince him to leave on several occasions but then my mom hops on and says i'm being disrespectful, even though it's literally MY house, and neither him nor her have ownership over the house at all. and, you're right about him being a huge dick; he really is one, and i've even told him that but he says he's "doing this out of the kindness of his heart," even though i know for a fact manipulating someone is not the way to show kindness. he has attacked me verbally on several occasions, and each time he started lashing out, i headed downstairs before the instigator in my head could make things escalate. i've also tried the part with not letting how he sees me affect my daily life, and you're right about him talking down on me no matter what. he uses his age (he's 27, i'm only 19) as a way to guilt-trip me even further (like the whole "i'm older than you so you should treat me with respect" thing and such), but, hopefully, i'm gonna talk about it with my mom (because at the moment, i feel absolutely powerless and she has always been my last resort for things like this) and see if she'll do something about it, and if she doesn't do anything, i'll just try and put up with his bullshit until he decides to leave on his own.

Sounds like a good idea honestly.
Unfortunately, at the end of the day, you can't control how other people act. Only how you react.

Hey, Swim, I asked a friend about what advice I could give and they suggested trying to get in contact with a mental health line. I guess some of them can help with legal stuff, too?

I'll try. I'm genuinely not sure if that's anything I can really do though… But at least I'm not off horrible, right? Things could definitely be worse

uh don't mind if I butt in here. Things should be better, and you deserve better. I may not know you but I know that nobody deserves to be treated like you have been.

Things could always be worse, but that doesn't mean things shouldn't be better.
They're right. No one deserves the treatment you've received.

I don't want to sound like I'm victim-blaming here, so I'll try to phrase this as best I can. You should at least try to seek help, because if things are really that bad then you shouldn't be staying there. That is a toxic, abusive situation, and you shouldn't be tolerating it one bit. If your abuser makes even one more move towards you, if you can, fight back in whatever way is safe. You don't deserve this treatment. If you're queer try the Trevor Project, otherwise I don't know really what hotlines to turn to. thehotline.org seems at least slightly reputable? You can chat with them online or you can call, I don't know about texting.

There is a text line too at https://www.crisistextline.org
I'm a big advocate for this one. They helped me build up the courage to finally get help.

Everything that everyone else said. It doesn't matter if things could be worse, they're pretty horrible as it is and it's at an unsafe level. It's not the Bad-Home-Life Olympics, your problems are valid and need to be taken care of before things get to a point where you're not able to recover from it. Please seek help