Well… feck. Guess who's here to pay a visit to this bean right here? That's right, a n x i e t y. Fun. Which means, giant block of anxiety-induced text, here we come.
So I was just sitting here, folding origami flapping dragons as party favours for my birthday party this Sunday, right? And all of a sudden I start thinking about the Rudeness chat for no reason at all, and then that brings up like the one or two times I was ignored in any chat at all, not necessarily the Rudeness chat, (actually one was in the Venting chat) and then I started getting paranoid about getting ignored if I post anything at all and also as I write this I realize this sounds really dumb and maybe that was just a wave of anxiety?? Idk. I'll just keep this here, in case anxiety decides to come visit me again. Hopefully it won't, and I won't have to post this.
Well I guess that didn't work out. Guess who's back? Yup, you guessed it. This time, with a whole 'nother thing. Judgement. I hate feeling like I'm going to be judged, and that's why the only place I actually feel safe enough to vent to at all is Notebook… and realizing that makes me realize that maybe… it's time to take a break from Discord, only this time it's going to be announced. But… I really don't want to leave Discord, since I have a lot of friends on there who excusively use Discord for social media, which means I'll lose contact with them… Anyways back to judgement. I hate being judged, which is why I hate auditioning, and why I hate seatings. (If you don't do orchestras or stuff outside of school, you won't get it since I'm not going to explain it right now because anxiety). It's like, the people just sit there. And they judge me, while their eyes bore into my soul, and they're not even looking for what I do well, but rather if I do anything wrong. And I know that's really paranoid but like, anxiety, okay:? And then seatings, they sit there and judge me, and then there's all this pressure to get the best spot while I'm just like, I don't care how well I do outside of school. It's just orchestra, and I'm not that competitive anyways… but everyone else is like obsessing over it…
Ugh I guess this turned into more of a vent than anxiety but like, two cases of anxiety, though luckily they passed quite quickly… Idek if that was anxiety. *Heck, Jay was the one who first told me when I was having an anxiety attack. Yeah…
Y'know what, maybe I'll just sit here talking to a fecking computer because judgement issues and paranoia and stuff…
or I'l just edit this to put on a mask or something? (Edit: to clarify, I meant by pretending my anxiety or whatever that was wasn't as bad as I was thinking in that moment when I had it.) Idkkkkkk
but like I need to tell someone and this is really annoying meeeee
Okay. Deep breaths. Jay and Ella and everyone are nice. …right? Right. I just have to trust them… aghhhh stoopid anxiety or whatever it is… stop making me question like the nicest people on earth!!!! I can do this. …but without paranoia and feeling like I'm going to be judged? That's not going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I'll just post this, and then stay awake checking Notebook every three seconds until I get a response that proves my paranoia wrong. (Which is probably going to happen, since there's only about 0.00001% of people on here that are actually mean.){Another Edit: honestly, I have no idea what I meant by that. But uh- I'm only half-awake so…}
I go through the same exact thing almost every day and I'm so sorry you have to go through it too. In fact, I think know you are very strong, just because you were able to post this and keep it up. Do you know how many times I post a rant or a vent about my anxiety and self-doubt and self-consciousness only to either never post it or delete 5 seconds later? I'm actually very proud of you for posting this. I feel you so much on the judgment problems. I literally can't speak in front of people without my voice stuttering every 3 seconds, my words getting jumbled into incomprehensibility, and shaking like a chihuahua. The only advice I can give you on that is keep practicing. I practicing gettig up in front of people and talking sounds like the worse thing ever, but it's good to push yourself. I for some reason put myself in Dramatic Speech, which is literally just talking in front of people. The thing that helps me most is, these kids are also too worried about talking to judge you. In fact, they'll be relieved your talking and not them.
I would write more but I've got to go get ready for school. Love ya, Izzy!
