I've held myself together for a long time, for multiple reasons. One, I want to be someone that is always an option for others to come to. I like helping people. Two, it's expected of me. That sounds harsh but my family is not the super mushy feelings type, if someone makes fun of us, we don't take it personally. If you fall, pick yourself up and keep going. Three, I have a good life compared to some people. I shouldn't have anything to be upset or complaining about. Four I have more people in my life now than ever before that I feel like I have to be strong for. My family, my close friends, and my distant friends.
But recently… I feel like I've been falling apart more and more everyday. My grades are slipping, some of my very first and dearest friends are getting farther and farther away from me, I don't have the motivation to do anything, and my anxiety attacks are getting worse. Things that use to hurt me physically, like running a blade up and down my arms, don't hurt anymore. I learned a while back that if you don't apply a lot of pressure it will only leave temporary marks. That way people won't notice and ask. And that right there is a huge problem. I shouldn't know this, because I shouldn't be doing it…. and yet here I am having just done it again.
I'm so much of a mess that it's a sad sight. I had a crying meltdown just an hour ago, in the darkness of my room, by myself so that no one could hear or see me.
I have two different tests today, and I haven't gotten any sleep. It is 1:00 am. I have to get up in four hours to get ready for school.
I'm constantly listening to voices in my head screaming at me that, "No one likes you, you're a failure, you're a weakling, you're an idiot, you can't do anything right, the world would be better off without you, the only reason you have friends is because they feel sorry for you, no one likes you, no one cares, you're invisible, you're only there when others find it convenient, you'll never be like your sisters, you look horrible, you'll never measure up. You're ugly, and you should just stop trying. You don't belong here. You suck. If you disappeared no one would notice. You're such a cry baby. Lazy. Jerk. Oddball. Weirdo. Nobody. Give up. Everyone hates you. Failure. Piece of crap. If you turned invisible for real no one would care. They don't like you. They don't care.You're not good enough."….I'll never be good enough.
It is a constant battle. But you know what the biggest reason I tend to keep all this to myself? 99% of the time I'll get this response, "Oh honey, it's okay everyone deals with something like this." Or the other side of that coin. "Stop being so dramatic you're fine."
Because, I hate to say it but, I'm not fine, I'm not okay. I don't know why, but it seems like everything in the world is against me. How did we start the year? Well let's see, I was being bullied, but that had been going on for several months, I didn't care. But finals week was starting to get stressful, and I get the call that my grandmother has been life flighted to a hospital and only has a 7% chance of survival. So my mom goes up to the hospital, and is there for three days. My only mental support is two hours away on the three most stressful days of finals. I just about failed out of school because of the bullying, that had gotten twice as bad, because people were finding the things that actually got to me. And not only is that all going on but my dad was out with the flu and my older sister was at work and college everyday all day. So guess who also had to take care of her younger sisters? A few weeks later I was really close to taking my own life. Middle of the night. No one in the whole house awake. And I was talking to a friend that I thought I could trust to talk to. She went and told everything to my parents in the morning. I'll tolerate a lot, however when a friend goes behind my back and tells my parents something that I was not ready for them to know, that hurts. Then without even talking to me about it afterwards she acts like it never happened. News flash it happened, you can't act like it didn't. The rest of the year was just a huge mess of, we finally fixed this well someone drove through our fence, so now we have to replace that. Fixed the fence but now the Well House is collapsing, have to rebuild that. Finished the Well House, the shower head broke off and now there is water all over the bathroom. Cows are in the road, another car went through our fence, the furnace has just gone out, our pellet stove is ancient and is slowly going out, the ditch along the road is flooding into our yard. The dog just killed one of the sheep, this person needs help bucking hay. On and on and on and on, non-stop everything is breaking one thing after the other. Never a dull moment on this farm. It's my favorite thing.
School started this year, and I thought that maybe, just maybe things would start to look up. Well I have two teachers that are the worst completely and two other classes that I'm just not good at. So my grades are suffering big time. My mom is trying to help, but somehow I feel like it just isn't. My dad never has the time to help, he's always at work, which always gives me anxiety not knowing if he'll actually come home today. But when he is home, he's having to fix everything that breaking. On the note of anxiety of people not coming home, he's not the only one that I worry about not coming home. My older sister works really late nights, and most of the time I can't sleep until she gets home. Other times she gets home while I'm having an anxiety attack over whether she's coming home or not, and some nights she stays with a coworker for the night. The first time that happened I didn't sleep, I was the biggest mess you might ever find, and when I finally figured out where she was, all I could manage to do was cry. My mind, for some reason, always tells me every possible thing that could possibly happen to my family while I'm not looking. And knowing the job that my dad has, and knowing that it is becoming more and more dangerous for him… terrifies me. But I won't ever show that. I'll be told to suck it up, it's fine. If it were fine I wouldn't be getting up at 4:00 in the morning just to be sure I can tell him goodbye and that I love him, because I don't know if he'll come home that night.
Another thing I get to look forward to is knowing that this is probably my grandpa's last year. I was lucky I got to spend Thanksgiving down at their place, because it's probably the last time I'll see him.
It is my favorite thing in the world to be one upped by every one of my sisters, and to have my parents praise them for it. And don't get me wrong I would die to protect them at any cost. I love them with every fiber of my being. But I feel like I'm the mediocre among the extraordinaires. I'm always the one that gets the participation awards. I can't draw like my sisters, I can't write like my sisters, I can't paint like my sisters, I'm not getting straight A's like my sisters. I'm the grunt, that is only good for the heavy lifting, or dealing with bugs my sisters don't want to touch. My voice isn't as pretty as my sisters. I'm not as funny as my sisters. I'm not as good with children as my sisters are. The only other thing I'm good at is listening to people, and being a person that they can cry on.
I have stopped eating hardly anything because I hate who I am. I'm barely getting any sleep at night. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I want to die.
And I know that someone is going to say the words, "It'll be better some day." Or "Just keeping going you can do it." Or "We're all here for you." Which is all great and all, but they feel empty. Sometimes words are just pointless and they do nothing. Sometimes I just need someone to physically be there for me. To be someone that I can go to, to cry on. Words can only do so much. And I think of that everytime I try and help someone on here. I know every moment that I could say something completely wrong and it could do the exact opposite of what I wanted it to do. Yet another thing that terrifies me. I could be the reason someone takes their life, which makes me question if I should even try at all. I do because if I don't I'll also feel bad for not having done anything. This is a no win situation. My mind will bug me about it either way.
I've been debating with myself if I should post this or just delete it, because this sounds so much like I just want attention, and that I'm whining. But I'm not trying to. I promise. I hate myself for this. I just want to be okay. I want to be a normal girl, that can do so cool things. I know that there are people out there who would look at my life and wish they had something as good as me. So why should I be complaining about this? I hate being the center of attention, and would rather be like the side character. Not the main one. And I realize that I've written out an entire essay of rant, so I'm gonna wrap it up here. Tie a ribbon around it and decide if I'm actually gonna send this or just delete it.
