if anyone’s wondering, the internal vent was just me questioning if i should keep going with my getting help plan, because i’m terrified that if i stop being scared of every human i meet i’ll let my guard down and one of them will hurt me
…i decided to continue with my plan because at least it still gives me a chance, and isn’t severely hecking irrational
that is all
I will be on that Zoom call with my sassy mom friend self if it kills me
which it won’t because I’ll enjoy it thoroughly
ella I will get on the zoom with you (if you're like comfortable with it and stuff) because I Care About You and I will try to make sure you know it
I will be there and not talking because I will be doing school.
I would be there, But I will be driving for 12 hours tomorrow so I'll be there in spirit.
I will be on the Zoom call. Because I will be bored and maybe can offer some advice as I do every once in awhile in long winded posts that have nothing to do with the subject matter.
I want to join, but idk if I’ll be awake. If someone could wake me up or something when it’s going to start then that would be appreciated…
Ya'll I was supossed to be asleep several hours ago and instead of sleeping I spent the last few hours fleshing out one of my characters.
oh my god
i never knew a nightmare could be this scary
but here i am, up at 3am because i had a nightmare
yall might not know
but losing one of my frens to suicide is a fear i have
i fear it every single day
and today/tonight it finally made it into my dreams
i actually said "please let this just be a bad dream" in it
i had a fren, and i dreamt that-
i dreamt that i had to be told about it from another fren
i dreamt that there was even a suicide note and everything
i don't think i can go back to sleep today
i don't think i can
even though i probably only slept like three hours (wait no, less than that. i think i was up at 1), i don't know if i want to go back to sleep, given the nature and type of nightmare i had
istg i never want that kind of scenario to happen
i- that was so scary, i thought it was real
mini rant because im sick and tired of this shit.
so i can't sleep at night. i obviously have insomnia because i've gone three to four days without being able to do so. i've tired everything. tea for sleep, prescription drugs, not being on the computer at least two hours before bed. i tried closing my eyes and all that shit, but i just toss and turn.
so tonight i figured "fuck it" and stayed up all night doing some work for an online class because i rather being doing something than losing my mind with all my thoughts.
anyways, mom comes and starts bitching on how i should be asleep. i told her countless times that i can't. even if i try. even if i turn all the lights off, close my eyes, take my medication, it doesn't help.
i really don't know what her problem is because she used to have insomnia and she knows very well how hard this shit is. im getting new sleeping medication from my doctors to see if it'll help but she doesn't want me to take them. she's very against the whole "anti-depressant" and "sleeping pills" thing.
she wants me to sleep but she doesn't want me to try any other methods to help me. she just yelled at me telling me it's my fault when i clearly can't control this. when i sleep, i sleep. but when i can't, i just don't.
so i just got called a bunch of names (which is what she does when she gets mad and she knows im right and can't say anything about it).
we haven't fought in a long time because i usually avoid her around the house, but she gets up to work very early and im still up, so that interaction is inevitable. anyways, im just salty that i get called a demon every turn of the way when something inconveniences her. like, of course im not but there was a point in my life where i believed i was and tried to take my own life because she got into my head- i was younger then. i know not to believe the things she says but sometimes i can't help it and my thoughts spiral. i just want to stop thinking about myself as something inhuman. i'm a person. a human being, not a demon.
so sorry for anyone that reads this, im just having a bit of a tough time here and i need an outlet for my rage or it'll consume me and i'll make the same mistake i made when i was in middle school.
end rant.
ohno, sorry about that
big hugs @ fren
thanks izzy, and it's alright, i'm used to it, it just makes me mad sometimes
np, 'nd yeah, understandable
When is the zoom call going to be? I might be able to join
I will not be there because I'm not allowed and zoom is stupid
Update: my parent are both at work now so I can do a zoom call anytime before 5
(For reference if you're in a different time zone, it's 9:48 am rn)
zoom is stupid
Agreed
zoom is stupid
Agreed
i second this
it also steals all the wifi in my room, meaning i can't load anything at all besides zoom when i'm on a call
BUT
i will do it for ella !!
i will do it for a fren !!
Alright I just woke up. I’m gonna take a shower and go for a walk as I do usually, and I’ll make the Zoom when I get back. That’ll take maybe two-three hours depending on how lazy I am.
I'll try to be on the Zoom meeting, but I literally just rolled out of bed so you might get Morning Ace as a bonus
mmkay, sounds good
may or may not make it
since i still have to mentally wake up 'nd all
i just woke up a bit ago so we might wait until after lunch or something
that’s usually when I’m least bugged by siblings
Unrelated: The content for the Junior DM stuff just came out
everything’s due June 1
that’s t e n d a y s
I already had an idea as to how to conduct but I have to conduct an entirely new song that I don’t know. It has three tempo changes and gets into a swing tempo/style. hmhmhmhhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmmmm mmmm mmm m m. I’m not gonna be able to do it but I’m gonna anywayyyyy
Unrelated: The content for the Junior DM stuff just came out
everything’s due June 1
that’s t e n d a y s
I already had an idea as to how to conduct but I have to conduct an entirely new song that I don’t know. It has three tempo changes and gets into a swing tempo/style. hmhmhmhhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmmmm mmmm mmm m m. I’m not gonna be able to do it but I’m gonna anywayyyyy
Good luck dude
june 1st is in ten days???