forum Don't Be Suspicious

Started March 01, 2019 by Deleted user

tune

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That might be part of it, but that's not all of it.

Do you think the rest of it is just feelings? Or do you think there is more?

I think it's incredibly complicated, and not exactly something to be just separated into binaries like that. Part of it is feelings, most definitely. Maybe that's the initial thing, the spark, that makes you want a relationship. They do take work, yeah, but some people blend easier than others. Some people just don't have the right feelings and personalities to mix with each other, or they get too far and realize that it was just lust or something. It's a mix of feelings, work, and willingness.

Love is not putting anyone before yourself. Love is a partnership into finding happiness together, being strong for each other equally. Love is not a sacrifice, or selflessness, it's about building yourself and your partner up as a single unit to become one strong link.
If one person is supporting the other and putting the other before them then the relationship it out of balance, it's not right. One person cannot just take take take and the other give give give. That's not love.

That is still abuse.

I don't think you should just say "hey, I don't think I love you anymore. Let's divorce." That's 100% not okay in my opinion.

But it's never like that. There are so many issues that people realize makes them incompatible compared to how they once were. And that is okay. People should be able to make that choice for themselves. It takes as much thinking and stress to even think about divorcing someone as it does to grieve a death. It's not easy. Most will say it was the hardest thing they ever did, because many chances were given but many failed.

Happiness is a right. Living your life the way you want to is a right of freedom.
But she doesn't love you anymore, so you would force her to stay with you? That's….abuse.

But like I said earlier. That means denying me happiness is abuse. And so I do not think happiness is a right.
Is forcing you to pay off your credit card abuse?

Sacrificing someone's life just because you want to be happy is not love. You cannot take away someone's right to chose their path to happiness and life. Forcing someone to stay with you when they do not love you anymore, when the relationship doesn't work anymore, is not trying to fix it, that's further breaking that person trust and will.
Everyone needs to care for themselves first. Keep their individuality in every relationship. I would sacrifice anyone's happiness if it mean that I am safe and not in an abusive relationship with someone who wouldn't let me leave. That's practically kidnapping.

Actually paying of my credit card does make me happy. Less debt=happy Eris.

Love is not putting anyone before yourself. Love is a partnership into finding happiness together, being strong for each other equally. Love is not a sacrifice, or selflessness, it's about building yourself and your partner up as a single unit to become one strong link.
If one person is supporting the other and putting the other before them then the relationship it out of balance, it's not right. One person cannot just take take take and the other give give give. That's not love.

That is still abuse.

I never said the other person would just take. That is wrong. But it doesn't lessen the love of the person giving.

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Happiness is a right. Living your life the way you want to is a right of freedom.
But she doesn't love you anymore, so you would force her to stay with you? That's….abuse.

But like I said earlier. That means denying me happiness is abuse. And so I do not think happiness is a right.
Is forcing you to pay off your credit card abuse?

Sacrificing someone's life just because you want to be happy is not love. You cannot take away someone's right to chose their path to happiness and life. Forcing someone to stay with you when they do not love you anymore, when the relationship doesn't work anymore, is not trying to fix it, that's further breaking that person trust and will.
Everyone needs to care for themselves first. Keep their individuality in every relationship. I would sacrifice anyone's happiness if it mean that I am safe and not in an abusive relationship with someone who wouldn't let me leave. That's practically kidnapping.

Actually paying of my credit card does make me happy. Less debt=happy Eris.

You're right. That is not love. That is expecting someone to be an adult who follows through on what they promised. It's not me taking it away. It's keeping the person from getting off the train they signed up to be on.
True. But there is such a thing as counseling.
What happened to "yourself and your partner up as a single unit"? I talked about this abusive relationships are off the table because we all agree that divorce is sometimes the only option in that case.
But it is a forced contract. Though one you agreed to. Don't you feel you should be able to get out of that agreement if you do not want it anymore?

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Including if you both promised to stay together?

You're right. That is not love. That is expecting someone to be an adult who follows through on what they promised. It's not me taking it away. It's keeping the person from getting off the train they signed up to be on.
True. But there is such a thing as counseling.
What happened to "yourself and your partner up as a single unit"? I talked about this abusive relationships are off the table because we all agree that divorce is sometimes the only option in that case.
But it is a forced contract. Though one you agreed to. Don't you feel you should be able to get out of that agreement if you do not want it anymore?

Being an adult is also recognizing that something isn't healthy and making the decision to let go. You wouldn't force an electronic to work if it was broken beyond repair. Counseling doesn't always work, and for the relationships that it does work, it is only a short fix and harbors resentment between the pair. Counseling often ends up in the couple realizing that separating is a better idea, it just makes it more amicable.
Marriage is not a contract, Dom. It's not: 'If you do this for me I will do this for you'. That makes it sound so robotic and sterile. People can be let out of vows and that is what happens in divorce. Both parties are signing that they are releasing the other from their vows to them. It is amicable, not one sided. Just like marriage and sex, there must be consent.
I said: Love is not a sacrifice, or selflessness, it's about building yourself and your partner up as a single unit to become one strong link. Don't take my words out of context :P That's bad form. I was describing that love and marriage are a partnership, not a sacrifice, and sometimes partners are not compatible to work together.
We keep bringing up abuse because that is what you are describing! You are not describing a healthy relationship between adults. You are describing something that is abusive and terrible to go through. I know what it is like to be in a relationship where your partner refuses to let you go. Its demeaning and hurtful and beyond stressful. Being in a healthy relationship means that both people are free to make decisions for themselves.

It's not a forced contract if I signed up for it, which I did. I gave the consent to use the card and the company controlling my card to charge me for it. Paying it off makes me happy. Not to mention that you can cancel your credit card at any time. It's just a hassle.

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Including if you both promised to stay together?

Can I just use Eris’s answer as my answer?

You're right. That is not love. That is expecting someone to be an adult who follows through on what they promised. It's not me taking it away. It's keeping the person from getting off the train they signed up to be on.
True. But there is such a thing as counseling.
What happened to "yourself and your partner up as a single unit"? I talked about this abusive relationships are off the table because we all agree that divorce is sometimes the only option in that case.
But it is a forced contract. Though one you agreed to. Don't you feel you should be able to get out of that agreement if you do not want it anymore?

Being an adult is also recognizing that something isn't healthy and making the decision to let go. You wouldn't force an electronic to work if it was broken beyond repair. Counseling doesn't always work, and for the relationships that it does work, it is only a short fix and harbors resentment between the pair. Counseling often ends up in the couple realizing that separating is a better idea, it just makes it more amicable.
Marriage is not a contract, Dom. It's not: 'If you do this for me I will do this for you'. That makes it sound so robotic and sterile. People can be let out of vows and that is what happens in divorce. Both parties are signing that they are releasing the other from their vows to them. It is amicable, not one sided. Just like marriage and sex, there must be consent.
I said: Love is not a sacrifice, or selflessness, it's about building yourself and your partner up as a single unit to become one strong link. Don't take my words out of context :P That's bad form. I was describing that love and marriage are a partnership, not a sacrifice, and sometimes partners are not compatible to work together.
We keep bringing up abuse because that is what you are describing! You are not describing a healthy relationship between adults. You are describing something that is abusive and terrible to go through. I know what it is like to be in a relationship where your partner refuses to let you go. Its demeaning and hurtful and beyond stressful. Being in a healthy relationship means that both people are free to make decisions for themselves.

It's not a forced contract if I signed up for it, which I did. I gave the consent to use the card and the company controlling my card to charge me for it. Paying it off makes me happy. Not to mention that you can cancel your credit card at any time. It's just a hassle.

Apologies for the context error.
I am afraid we cannot actually reach an agreement because of our background. I view marriage as something sacred. I don't think you believe the same.
The main difference between us is that I think that it is a promise that must be fulfilled while you think it should be always open. Continue if you can, but I don't know if we can reach an agreement.

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Including if you both promised to stay together?

Can I just use Eris’s answer as my answer?

Depends. You aren't religious right? Because unless you are the answer is yes.

Why does it matter if she's religious? Religious people are still allowed to separate if it's better for them…..

Christians technically aren't allowed to (with only a few minor exceptions) although most do it anyway

I just think it’s funny how most, if not all, of us aren’t even close to marriage yet here we are debating it lol

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Including if you both promised to stay together?

Can I just use Eris’s answer as my answer?

Depends. You aren't religious right? Because unless you are the answer is yes.

I am religious (I’m Christian), but can I still use it if I’m arguing for a non-religious marriage? Because a religious marriage is a totally different argument in my opinion.

I just think it’s funny how most, if not all, of us aren’t even close to marriage yet here we are debating it lol

LOL

I think if there are two people in a relationship and one doesn't love the other anymore, they shouldn't be together. If the person who is still in love truly loved the other person and truly wanted them to be happy, they would recognize that their partner is not happy with them. And if they really want them to be happy, they wouldn't try to make a relationship work that definitely wouldn't work, they would let the other person go. Dom, you said love is sacrifice. Sometimes that looks like not being in the relationship anymore. Because if the person you love isn't happy, you shouldn't force them to be with you, continuing to make them unhappy. That's not love.

Including if you both promised to stay together?

Can I just use Eris’s answer as my answer?

Depends. You aren't religious right? Because unless you are the answer is yes.

I am religious (I’m Christian), but can I still use it if I’m arguing for a non-religious marriage? Because a religious marriage is a totally different argument in my opinion.

True. A secular marriage can get divorced any time. My biggest mistake while arguing was doing it from a perspective that many do not share.

But why force somebody to stay with a person they don't love? What makes their happiness less valuable?

Chances are, the people are just going through some issues. Some therapy might help. I think it's terrible to just end things without trying to fix them. There are thousands of situations where divorce is okay, and thousands were it is not.

I love how this started as the Rudeness Chat and now it's the Respectful Debate Chat XD

Not complaining, I just think it's funny! <3

Totally different topic but I can't fucking stand looking in the mirror right now. Like every time I walk by I have to keep looking pointedly away. On another note, whY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING MIRRORS IN MY HOUSE

I like it.

I do too! I was just pointing it out :)