forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Started May 20, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

tune

Starting off with @Kinarymo!! Top down on Shiranui…

Much like last night, Nature is VERY solid. And since she's a side character, I don't mind that it's not as deep as, say, Narion's page. Actually, Shiranui's page is more in-depth than Hikari's, which is neat!! Anyway, there's only one thing that pops out at me, and it is SMALL. This kind of contradiction exists in a lot of people, so it's really not a massive deal, but of course I'll still point it out. Shiranui wants to be appreciated by others for her music, wants to show the people around her the extent of her mastery – but she prefers to play alone, in silence. When people bother her, she'll pack up and leave. Is there some kind of anxiety there that stops her from fulfilling her motivation?

History is also very solid!!! Again, not much to poke at here. One little thing - it could be very interesting to explore her personality progression from cheerful to cold a little more. Since she's not an MC, it's not strictly NECESSARY, but it would be neat to consider the experiences as a daemon that stripped away the last of Shiranui's cheerful disposition.

Okay!! Once again, not a ton - well-done side characters are tough to critique!!!! I'm beginning to get a migraine from hell, so I'm going to turn in early tonight, but I'll be on the DM tomorrow morning and evening if I can!! Until then, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DDD

All right, @GameMaster, here we go!! First of many critiques - top down on Marco…

What you currently have for nature is very solid. There are few outright contradictions, but there is an issue of single-thread traits. I actually see this a ton. With Marco, there is essentially one trait that is the basis of his personality, which spreads into everything. In this case, it's 'open-minded and moral.' Now, of COURSE it makes perfect sense that such traits would impact other parts of his personality, but here, he's defined by the traits. Given what's here, I know that Marco is moral and open-minded, and that's about it. I don't know how he is with friends, how he reacts to authority, what he wants to do with his life, why he's the kind of person to sign up for the Wonderland Project, etc., etc. I'd really encourage you to explore all those aspects of his personality, and maybe play with delineated contradictions, to give us a better sense of who Marco IS.

And then there is one small, small contradiction that I'm going to poke at. Marco is described as a person who struggles making decisions and avoids moral conflict. Cool! But his main motivation is also his values. Suggesting that his values motivate him throws this indecisiveness into question, since a stalwart sense of morality fixes a WHOLE lot of moral issues and often leads to easy choices. Not all the time by any means, but often.

Background is SPARSE. (but hey he shares a birthday with someone I know!!! wack). What you have here is a good backbone, but it doesn't actually explain a lot of Marco's traits. How did he develop his set of values? Why does he angle for radical governmental overhaul? How did he decide to focus on the present? Little things like that make a WORLD of difference. Also, there's a Wonderland-Project-sized hole in this backstory. You don't have to explain everything about it if you're uncomfortable sharing, but make sure to provide some explanation as to why Marco, who seems remarkably put-together for a college student, chose to enroll in an experimental study of some kind.

Also, um. This is a weird question. Did you, perchance, make a TikTok about this story? Because I SWEAR I've heard Wonderland Project before, but it could've been something else. It's late at night and I have a bad memory at good times, so uh… sorry if it's not you!

Anyway!! That's all I have to offer you tonight. Marco is a solid character foundation, and I'm so excited to see where he'll go when you start exploring more aspects of his personality!! And of course, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!!! :DDD

All right, @GameMaster, here we go!! First of many critiques - top down on Marco…

What you currently have for nature is very solid. There are few outright contradictions, but there is an issue of single-thread traits. I actually see this a ton. With Marco, there is essentially one trait that is the basis of his personality, which spreads into everything. In this case, it's 'open-minded and moral.' Now, of COURSE it makes perfect sense that such traits would impact other parts of his personality, but here, he's defined by the traits. Given what's here, I know that Marco is moral and open-minded, and that's about it. I don't know how he is with friends, how he reacts to authority, what he wants to do with his life, why he's the kind of person to sign up for the Wonderland Project, etc., etc. I'd really encourage you to explore all those aspects of his personality, and maybe play with delineated contradictions, to give us a better sense of who Marco IS.

And then there is one small, small contradiction that I'm going to poke at. Marco is described as a person who struggles making decisions and avoids moral conflict. Cool! But his main motivation is also his values. Suggesting that his values motivate him throws this indecisiveness into question, since a stalwart sense of morality fixes a WHOLE lot of moral issues and often leads to easy choices. Not all the time by any means, but often.

Background is SPARSE. (but hey he shares a birthday with someone I know!!! wack). What you have here is a good backbone, but it doesn't actually explain a lot of Marco's traits. How did he develop his set of values? Why does he angle for radical governmental overhaul? How did he decide to focus on the present? Little things like that make a WORLD of difference. Also, there's a Wonderland-Project-sized hole in this backstory. You don't have to explain everything about it if you're uncomfortable sharing, but make sure to provide some explanation as to why Marco, who seems remarkably put-together for a college student, chose to enroll in an experimental study of some kind.

Also, um. This is a weird question. Did you, perchance, make a TikTok about this story? Because I SWEAR I've heard Wonderland Project before, but it could've been something else. It's late at night and I have a bad memory at good times, so uh… sorry if it's not you!

Anyway!! That's all I have to offer you tonight. Marco is a solid character foundation, and I'm so excited to see where he'll go when you start exploring more aspects of his personality!! And of course, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!!! :DDD

THANK YOU FOR THE CRITIQUE ITS VERY HELPFUL. These are all very new characters so they aren’t all hammered out as I’m adding to them as I write. As for the tiktok thing, uhh, I did a thing to days ago to decide which of two characters would die in the story and it went a little viral (30k views, not my most viewed). And people were asking for a little about the plot so I made and put out a video today explaining the plot and characters a little more but it didn’t hit the algorithm and only like 40 people saw it so I deleted and I plan to repost it tomorrow. If you happened to see one of them that would be kinda funny but I believe @actual-fandom-trash also saw it so it’s definitely not impossible. Anyway, thank you! I’ll start working on it for Marco as well as the others.

Quick round-up again this evening, provided my refresh button is to be trusted!! Here we go:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Mynamex714!

Tomorrow, it's time for @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!!

And on the 3rd, same lineup: @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!

The 4th is my break night!!!

And first slots on the 5th and 6th also go to @GameMaster!

@GameMaster - I'm so glad you liked it!! Hopefully the next few will continue to be helpful!! And I may have seen your TikTok???? Not 100% sure, but like, that would be kind of wild!

All right, starting off with @GameMaster tonight!! Top down on Asia…

First up is a similar general critique to Marco's. Asia has more branching traits than Marco, so less emphasis on that side of things, but much like with Marco, I don't know a ton about the different side of Asia. Like before: How does she act with friends? Respond to authority? Feel about her family? Change around certain groups of people? Things like that!

I do have a rather sizable contradiction critique here, and it's about Asia's decision-making. Recklessness is pretty much the opposite of her methodical decision-making. Most often, reckless decisions are formed out of personal/emotional motivations, not in spite of them. And by using objectivity to determine her choices, Asia is quite literally ruling out reckless options, weighing risks against benefits. Some of her choices may seem insensitive based on the feelings of the people around her, and some of them may have a hefty price tag in exchange for a safe shot at success. But recklessness seems out of the cards for someone who plans as carefully as Asia.

Pretty similar backstory critique to Marco as well. Make sure to root some traits in here!! And especially make sure to go deep on her problem with being turned down. It seems like her choice to join the Wonderland Project stemmed from a need to impress Alec, since his obliviousness was affecting her confidence. Why does her confidence have such a weak point? Is it her parents' hunger for her success, her own need to be appreciated by the people around her for whatever reason, or something else entirely?

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight!! I'm sorry a lot of this is just "Like what I said…" but that happens sometimes with streaks of critiques for one person. In spite of that, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!!! :DD

@Mynamex714 - crap!!! I don't have permission to see your character!! To update the settings, go to the unfinished triangle icon by the editing pencil (It's three dots connected by just two lines). Click on that, switch your character's privacy setting to 'public,' and then let me know!!! If you let me know by tomorrow, I'll slot you right back in!! If not, I'll have to put you back on the bottom of the list when you return.

I'm not going to shift things around and do a second critique tonight - there aren't dozens of requests pending, and I get tired too, so now is an okay time for a light night!! :D

All right, starting off with @GameMaster tonight!! Top down on Asia…

First up is a similar general critique to Marco's. Asia has more branching traits than Marco, so less emphasis on that side of things, but much like with Marco, I don't know a ton about the different side of Asia. Like before: How does she act with friends? Respond to authority? Feel about her family? Change around certain groups of people? Things like that!

I do have a rather sizable contradiction critique here, and it's about Asia's decision-making. Recklessness is pretty much the opposite of her methodical decision-making. Most often, reckless decisions are formed out of personal/emotional motivations, not in spite of them. And by using objectivity to determine her choices, Asia is quite literally ruling out reckless options, weighing risks against benefits. Some of her choices may seem insensitive based on the feelings of the people around her, and some of them may have a hefty price tag in exchange for a safe shot at success. But recklessness seems out of the cards for someone who plans as carefully as Asia.

Pretty similar backstory critique to Marco as well. Make sure to root some traits in here!! And especially make sure to go deep on her problem with being turned down. It seems like her choice to join the Wonderland Project stemmed from a need to impress Alec, since his obliviousness was affecting her confidence. Why does her confidence have such a weak point? Is it her parents' hunger for her success, her own need to be appreciated by the people around her for whatever reason, or something else entirely?

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight!! I'm sorry a lot of this is just "Like what I said…" but that happens sometimes with streaks of critiques for one person. In spite of that, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!!! :DD

Thank you very much! I'm trying to clear stuff up as you go some you hopefully won't have to repeat critiques too much. I'm struggling with her personality specifically because while she is a very observant and practical person, she lives and makes decisions in the moment. I'm not sure reckless was the word I was looking for to describe that. Anyway, I look forward to Alec's critique as he's my favorite.

Hello, everyone!! Let's round up for tonight:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!!

Tomorrow, same lineup: @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!

The 4th is my break night!!!

And first slots on the 5th and 6th also go to @GameMaster!

@GameMaster - Glad you enjoyed again!! That decision-making conundrum is slightly complex, yeah. If you'd like, I can offer suggestions? I certainly don't have to if you're not into that, but if you're interested, just let me know sometime and I'll tack them onto tomorrow's critique! :D

Starting off again with @GameMaster!! Top down on Alec…

First, I'll let you know that my first note for the last two critiques doesn't apply as much here! I understand how Alec operates around friends VERY well. Of course, other facets of that critique (authority, parents, etc.) could still be good to explore, but Alec has a much more solid basis - good as an MC!

I do also notice a couple small contradictions. One: non-confrontational. Classifying Alec as someone who avoids conflict makes a certain amount of sense, given his empathy and soft-spoken nature, but it directly clashes with other traits. Alec has a strict moral code and he's stubborn. This means that once he's set in his course, it's unlikely he'll bend to the will of others, unless doing so aligns with his morality and goals. To avoid confrontation, he'd probably have to sacrifice his morality and compromise his stubbornness.

Two: high expectations for people around him. Alec cares deeply about supporting his friends to achieve happiness and will go to great ends for others. That doesn't gel well with high expectations. If he had high expectations PLUS kindness, the only way I can think of that working off the top of my head is by only offering his kindness to people he deems deserving.

History for an MC needs WAY more. Pretty much every trait needs solid basis in backstory, and whatever's mentioned in backstory needs to play out in personality. A big issue with the latter is his grief. I didn't see the implications of the death of a parent ANYWHERE on Alec's personality, and I would've expected to see them. I'd really encourage you to expand on that, as well as expanding on backstory in general!!

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. Alec is, so far, the best-developed character I've seen!! Ironing out a few wrinkles is all he needs to be great. I'll see you tomorrow, and for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Okay, time for @Katastrophe!! Top down on Isra…

(before I get going - is that your art????? that's beautiful!!!)

Nature is generally very solid!! This is good one one hand, but bad on the other. There aren't many contradictions because not a ton is given about Isra. Don't get me wrong, there's a LOT of great information here about her traits, branching prejudices and fears, etc. But nuances of character seem to be absent. Large swaths of personality are based on her observant nature, and her personality traits simply repeat her mannerisms. I know a good amount about Isra… but not a lot. For example, Eteri's expectations - why does she perceive expectations where none exist, even though she's a highly observant person who speaks plainly and seems to value honesty? If Eteri ever said, "I have no expectations for you," would she believe him? And she's terrified of cold water - what triggers her, specifically? Would she be unable to enter cold water, or would proximity to ice edge at her nerves? Little things like that - taking stuff further - is the next step for Isra.

Also, there's no Social page!! I really love the Social page for a few reasons. One, religion and politics are my FAVORITE social fields, because they tell you tons about a character (likes structure? hates structure? open to change? against government control? nihilistic? the possibilities are endless!!) Two, the other fields, though seemingly useless, are VERY helpful. They humanize your character, reminding us that this quiet, observant girl has a soft spot for, say, ramen noodles and Manx cats. Little details like that mean the world in character development, so I'd really encourage you to spend some time on Social!

History is very solid!! Literally just one tiny thing here. How has the aftermath of the asylum experience impacted her? I assume it's the quiet and reserved nature, but also consider the fiery religious rhetoric and the belief that her magic was a flaw. How do ingrained beliefs learned in the asylum stick with Isra?

And that's all I have for you tonight!! Isra is already a very well-developed character, and I can't wait to see you take her to the next level!! See you tomorrow for Eteri, and for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll :D

aa, thankie man yvy <3
As for Shiranui's contradiction, i've seen it done somewhere else - while she may want to be appreciated for her music, she herself really enjoys it, but if there is anyone near who gives off the impression they are bored or make any noise for too long, she packs up and goes away for in her mind, if they dont keep absolute quiet while she plays, it means they are not interested and they also break her concentration as well, and shes not the type to put up with it. She lives the music, not just plays it so rather than being interrupted by some "uncultured prick" she'd rather play alone for herself.
The best way to appreciate her is basically waiting until she's done and only then praising her.

She's basically like Maestro from Onmyoji in this short clip ^^ Her music philosophy is based on this episode :"D

Her being a little grumpier than usual could be many things - she could just be a loner, who has a very loud obnoxious friend or she's bummed because she is the least used of all Daemons, gathering dust for God knows how many hears

Ty for the critique :D And i kinda hope seeing Shiranui helped understand some things about Hikari as well ^^

Okay, time for @Katastrophe!! Top down on Isra…

(before I get going - is that your art????? that's beautiful!!!)

Yep! thank you! all my characters are going into a comic… eventually

Nature is generally very solid!! This is good one one hand, but bad on the other. There aren't many contradictions because not a ton is given about Isra. Don't get me wrong, there's a LOT of great information here about her traits, branching prejudices and fears, etc. But nuances of character seem to be absent. Large swaths of personality are based on her observant nature, and her personality traits simply repeat her mannerisms. I know a good amount about Isra… but not a lot. For example, Eteri's expectations - why does she perceive expectations where none exist, even though she's a highly observant person who speaks plainly and seems to value honesty? If Eteri ever said, "I have no expectations for you," would she believe him? And she's terrified of cold water - what triggers her, specifically? Would she be unable to enter cold water, or would proximity to ice edge at her nerves? Little things like that - taking stuff further - is the next step for Isra.

Ooo thats an interesting thing to think about, Eteri would be one to state that directly. I think while she does value honesty, she still thinks everything is a little to good to be true and wouldn't necessarily trust (even Eteri). At the beginning at least, her being cautious and doubtfulness from her past will beat out her trust in her friends. She hasn't really had a chance to become her own person yet, so having her evolve and developing more of a personality will be something I explore as I go (hopefully). As for the cold thing, that's a lovely bit of history from early asylums, they believed inducing hypothermia in ice baths would sort of "reset" the brain. In this case I think enough water to soak her would be stressful, but even a glass of water if thrown on her would make her panicky

Also, there's no Social page!! I really love the Social page for a few reasons. One, religion and politics are my FAVORITE social fields, because they tell you tons about a character (likes structure? hates structure? open to change? against government control? nihilistic? the possibilities are endless!!) Two, the other fields, though seemingly useless, are VERY helpful. They humanize your character, reminding us that this quiet, observant girl has a soft spot for, say, ramen noodles and Manx cats. Little details like that mean the world in character development, so I'd really encourage you to spend some time on Social!

I don't think I even have that tab, I'll have to make it real quick before you get to Eteri >.>
As for those quick points, Isra's new to Evide so politics I guess she's more loyal to the guild than the government. The other stuff I very much need to add, too!

History is very solid!! Literally just one tiny thing here. How has the aftermath of the asylum experience impacted her? I assume it's the quiet and reserved nature, but also consider the fiery religious rhetoric and the belief that her magic was a flaw. How do ingrained beliefs learned in the asylum stick with Isra?

Besides her phobia and being quiet, her dislike of fae in general kinda stems from believing them to be hallucinations for a long time. She probably wouldn't have to much trust in her magic, and most of the time she uses it in the story is split reaction, she has to really focus on intentional stuff, maybe because she overthinks it? If she were put into a scenario with multiple solutions she probably would find a non-magic way around it first compared to the other main party. I need to work on this more for sure.

And that's all I have for you tonight!! Isra is already a very well-developed character, and I can't wait to see you take her to the next level!! See you tomorrow for Eteri, and for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Yes, these were incredibly helpful! It's that last bit of shading missing for the full picture ^_^

Starting off again with @GameMaster!! Top down on Alec…

First, I'll let you know that my first note for the last two critiques doesn't apply as much here! I understand how Alec operates around friends VERY well. Of course, other facets of that critique (authority, parents, etc.) could still be good to explore, but Alec has a much more solid basis - good as an MC!

I do also notice a couple small contradictions. One: non-confrontational. Classifying Alec as someone who avoids conflict makes a certain amount of sense, given his empathy and soft-spoken nature, but it directly clashes with other traits. Alec has a strict moral code and he's stubborn. This means that once he's set in his course, it's unlikely he'll bend to the will of others, unless doing so aligns with his morality and goals. To avoid confrontation, he'd probably have to sacrifice his morality and compromise his stubbornness.

Two: high expectations for people around him. Alec cares deeply about supporting his friends to achieve happiness and will go to great ends for others. That doesn't gel well with high expectations. If he had high expectations PLUS kindness, the only way I can think of that working off the top of my head is by only offering his kindness to people he deems deserving.

History for an MC needs WAY more. Pretty much every trait needs solid basis in backstory, and whatever's mentioned in backstory needs to play out in personality. A big issue with the latter is his grief. I didn't see the implications of the death of a parent ANYWHERE on Alec's personality, and I would've expected to see them. I'd really encourage you to expand on that, as well as expanding on backstory in general!!

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. Alec is, so far, the best-developed character I've seen!! Ironing out a few wrinkles is all he needs to be great. I'll see you tomorrow, and for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Yes, okay, got it! I'm really busy this week so I don't have time to fix Isaac and Jolene ahead of time so they're definitely going to be rough. Sorry about that but I've been taking care of seven year olds all day and I need to lie down. Thank you so much, though <3

Hello, everyone!! Last night before I take a break! Here's the round-up:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!!

Tomorrow is break night!!!

The 5th and 6th, first slots are for @GameMaster!!! If no one else swings by, I might still do one per night, if that's all right? Slowing things down a bit is always nice for me.

@Kinarymo - excellent explanation, thank you!! And of course, I'm very happy you enjoyed!! Shiranui and Hikari seem to balance each other out well, that's for sure!

@Katastrophe - I'm glad you liked it!!! And your responses are lovely and valued - it means a lot to see people acknowledging all of my words!! :D I'm excited for Eteri tonight!

@GameMaster - Hey, no worries!! If you're busy, you're busy, and that's okay!! If you feel it would be valuable to come back for a round 2, of course swing by whenever! And I'm glad you enjoyed the critique, despite being busy and tired (make sure to get lots of good rest!!)

All right, @GameMaster, party time, part 4!! Top down on Jolene…

(Oh! She's an S&D kid! I must admit that I am very much an S&D kid, and it really kind of… shaped me a lot? If that makes sense. So maybe I'll be able to spice in some personal perspective in here!! If I do, it's okay to ignore that if you'd like, since it'll obviously be more specific to my own personality and might not apply to Jolene. Buuuuut we'll see how it goes!)

First up is 'avoiding strong connections.' This seems a bit out of place, given Jolene's previously described personality. She loves being around people, debating with people, and she's just plain extroverted. Often, casual debates with the aim of gaining knowledge can get a bit nasty if you don't really know your opponent. Basically, debating with friends is MUCH easier and MUCH more fun than debating with acquaintances. So you could probably explain why Jolene wants to avoid connections, but just know that to really flesh out that debater archetype without making everyone see her as the actual worst, she's probably going to need a friend or two.

And then there's 'unfocused.' So I'm not quite sure what you mean by this exactly. If you were going for an extension of "doesn't follow stuff through, goes down research rabbit holes" and that, then that makes sense! Continue onward. But if you meant "Jumps around in conversations, can't focus on blocks of text for too long, zones out in class" that's confusing with her personality (UNLESS she has a condition like ADHD, which introduces symptoms like that, but I don't see that listed here). Jolene is a debater, which means she needs focus and precision to find minute holes in arguments. Her focus would be unlikely to drift often.

History - same as always!! I won't bore you tonight. But one specific thing to consider - her dislike of forming strong relationships. If you move forward with that trait, make sure to specify where that comes from!!

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight!! Jolene is, so far, my favorite character of yours - probably because I relate to her the most. I'll see you tomorrow and, per the usual, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @Katastrophe's turn!! Top down on Eteri…

Social page looks wonderful!! Just a question - did you have to make it yourself?? When I joined wayyy back in like 2018, the Social page was pre-built, and it's a shame if that's not the case anymore!! It doesn't matter so much though - this one is perfectly fine!

Starting off on Nature, I would offer the same blanket critique that I gave to Isra. Just that next level that needs to be exposed. I understand a decent amount about his interactions with Isra, but not so much with anyone else. Given he's her familiar, perhaps that was your intention, and that's cool! But if Eteri interacts with others, make sure to expand more on that side of him. And of course, consider his dark side! I mean, he's prejudiced against the human realm - how does he act on that?

Also, this isn't really a PROBLEM, because it's obviously your writing and you are god in your own google docs, but as a note: I notice that Isra and Eteri are really similar. I don't know if that's another mage-familiar connection thing, but I do worry a bit that the similarity will cut down on argument between them, and therefore deeper exploration of each character. Having them too similar is dangerous to me, but it is NOT my job to tell you to change them - I just wanted to let you know what I'm perceiving.

History is solid!! One overall thing here. The actions Eteri has taken in the past (trying to bond multiple times, seeking out and helping Isra, etc) speak to a much more active personality than the one I saw in Nature. I'm not sure how the mage-familiar bond works, and maybe he grew more like Isra as he connected to her, but just know that this past Eteri seems incongruent with who he is now.

All right!! That's all I have for you tonight. Eteri is, much like Isra, a wonderfully developed character. And in your words (which I quite like) he just needs the last bit of shading. It was lovely getting to know your characters, and never hesitate to come back!! But for now, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

O hai hai again qvq
I dug up someone else yvy
Here y3y

All right, @Katastrophe's turn!! Top down on Eteri…

Social page looks wonderful!! Just a question - did you have to make it yourself?? When I joined wayyy back in like 2018, the Social page was pre-built, and it's a shame if that's not the case anymore!! It doesn't matter so much though - this one is perfectly fine!

Yeah I think there was one at one point, but I've messed around so much with the sheets it probably died in the crossfire lol.

Starting off on Nature, I would offer the same blanket critique that I gave to Isra. Just that next level that needs to be exposed. I understand a decent amount about his interactions with Isra, but not so much with anyone else. Given he's her familiar, perhaps that was your intention, and that's cool! But if Eteri interacts with others, make sure to expand more on that side of him. And of course, consider his dark side! I mean, he's prejudiced against the human realm - how does he act on that?

With his past, I imagined him to be pretty withdrawn from social interactions. He and Isra are pretty late to joining the main party, so their interactions are something I def need to work on. As for the human realm, I don't think he would actively do anything. When the party inevitably visits and something were to happen, there would likely be some conflict and maybe even a curse thrown in.

Also, this isn't really a PROBLEM, because it's obviously your writing and you are god in your own google docs, but as a note: I notice that Isra and Eteri are really similar. I don't know if that's another mage-familiar connection thing, but I do worry a bit that the similarity will cut down on argument between them, and therefore deeper exploration of each character. Having them too similar is dangerous to me, but it is NOT my job to tell you to change them - I just wanted to let you know what I'm perceiving.

Yeah that's the struggle I had with him for a while. Ngl Eteri is probably the weakest personality of the main party. Mage and familiar are supposed to be compatible personality-wise, but Eteri is particularly passive. I don't really know how to add some division here, hopefully it balances out with some of the other characters (one in pair in particular are opposites and don't get along).

History is solid!! One overall thing here. The actions Eteri has taken in the past (trying to bond multiple times, seeking out and helping Isra, etc) speak to a much more active personality than the one I saw in Nature. I'm not sure how the mage-familiar bond works, and maybe he grew more like Isra as he connected to her, but just know that this past Eteri seems incongruent with who he is now.

That does make sense, and it comes back to something I really need to sit down and work on. Since fae aren't really born (no baby/toddler phase, just kinda appear as an adolescent) Eteri would have had the full 16 give-or-take years to be keeping an eye out for a compatible mage. And then maybe it would make more sense for me to change that he left for the human realm first and then found Isra?

All right!! That's all I have for you tonight. Eteri is, much like Isra, a wonderfully developed character. And in your words (which I quite like) he just needs the last bit of shading. It was lovely getting to know your characters, and never hesitate to come back!! But for now, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

ofc, super helpful! Thanks so much for helping me out with these guys, I'll def be back with more as soon as I get around to actually updating them…

Hey! I have another character I'd like critique on Kydrei Nol

Hey, if you could critique Henry that would be amazing! He's from the same universe as Richard, and is in fact Richard's love interest :)

Hi, everyone!!! Back from my evening off (which was wonderful!) and ready to round up for the night!

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Kinarymo!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @GameMaster and @tiredandconfused!

Day after that, first spot is for @Icefire!

@Katastrophe - so glad you enjoyed!!!! And of course remember that compatible doesn't always mean similar. To some extent, opposites do attract, and some personalities are just magnetic.

All right, @GameMaster, back at it again!! Top down on Isaac…

First thing I notice is under personality type - the first listed trait leads to a LOT of clash later on. Much of Isaac's personality is based on a brand of inner strength - self-confidence, pride, honor, and a modicum of stubbornness. But his first trait indicates that he's willing to change his opinions under certain conditions. That adds nuance to his values of honor, showing that it's more of a public projection thing, but it also contradicts his stubbornness and inner confidence. I mean, he's willing to change to please the people around him - that's the opposite of stubborn.

Then I have a question about politics. Isaac doesn't EXPRESS his political opinions, but does that mean he doesn't have any? For an educated writer and a debater, I would expect some political opinions. Has he really lost his political stance during his time of changing for others, or are they just suppressed?

Isaac's background is still a little sparse, but this time, it lacks general background and fulfills a good part of trait origins. I understand the roots of his personality here, which is of course the most important part, but it would also be good to know more generals about him.

sorry he DIES ?????

and on THAT note - that's all I have for you this evening!! Isaac is a wonderful character. I sympathize for him and am QUITE UPSET that he's dying. But that's besides the point - I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @Kinarymo, let's do this!! Top down on Hitomi…

Nature is overall VERY solid. As you know, I don't unleash as hard on side characters, since flawless consistency isn't quite as necessary. But there is one small thing that I'm picking up on: verbal manipulation. Lilly's personality is built around her aloof and detached nature, something that only relaxes when she's around her family. Verbal manipulation (short-term, in-conversation type) requires a level of charisma and social prowess that is NOT present in Lilly. Straight intimidation might be possible, but that's very different from manipulation.

History is also really, REALLY solid. Like, wow - this is way more than I expected for a side character!! Only one thing here as well. This fear of being a mother: where does it come from? Was she told she'd fail? Was her own mother bad at raising her? Was her culture ill-suited to what the Continental culture demanded in a mother? Generally, something as deep as that should have a source, especially given that her hesitation to have a child is a plot point.

Okay!! That's not a ton, but it's all I have for you tonight!! Well-developed side characters are my weakness, and Lilly certainly is one. Even though it's a bit sparse, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @GameMaster, back at it again!! Top down on Isaac…

First thing I notice is under personality type - the first listed trait leads to a LOT of clash later on. Much of Isaac's personality is based on a brand of inner strength - self-confidence, pride, honor, and a modicum of stubbornness. But his first trait indicates that he's willing to change his opinions under certain conditions. That adds nuance to his values of honor, showing that it's more of a public projection thing, but it also contradicts his stubbornness and inner confidence. I mean, he's willing to change to please the people around him - that's the opposite of stubborn.

Then I have a question about politics. Isaac doesn't EXPRESS his political opinions, but does that mean he doesn't have any? For an educated writer and a debater, I would expect some political opinions. Has he really lost his political stance during his time of changing for others, or are they just suppressed?

Isaac's background is still a little sparse, but this time, it lacks general background and fulfills a good part of trait origins. I understand the roots of his personality here, which is of course the most important part, but it would also be good to know more generals about him.

sorry he DIES ?????

and on THAT note - that's all I have for you this evening!! Isaac is a wonderful character. I sympathize for him and am QUITE UPSET that he's dying. But that's besides the point - I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Yeah, Isaac is pretty under-developed right now so I'm not surprised that there are a lot of problems. Also, yes, he dies in the story and it was so heartbreaking to write especially because it was actually the first part I wrote. Anyway, it was a self-sacrifice and the other characters find out that he was planning to k*ll himself outside of the Wonderland Project because he was depressed after a life of changing himself for others and feeling like he lost himself.

Hi, everyone!! Back again to round up for the evening:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @tiredandconfused!!

Tomorrow, they're for @Icefire and a private critique!

And that's actually all the planning I have to do in advance!! I will warn you all that I have to start thinking about closing the thread soon, since school is coming up, and I'm about to be BUSY. The very thought hurts me, so I'm just going to put it off for way too long!!!!

@GameMaster - I don't think he's underdeveloped!! Smaller contradictions rather than overarching issues generally means that a character is moving into deeper development, with contradictions arising mainly due to lack of explanation and delineation. So he's quite developed in that sense!! (I don't want him to die!!!!!! rip Isaac folks)