forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Started May 20, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

tune

Hi! I took some of your notes and I was wondering if you could look at Nessa again? Princess Nessaluna Fangborne No rush of course!

Hey could you take a look at another character of mine ?

Hello, thread!! Lovely evening for a round-up!! Welcome to my NINETEEN-PAGE THREAD (wow!!)

Tonight's critiques are for @kingnocedas and @/ Kitty Writes!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @/ Destinee and @tiredandconfused!!

Day after that (the 26th) slots are for @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull and @polkadots11!

And then on the 27th, first spot is for @stolenbrocoli!!

@AloeVera - he's INSANELY thorough! It's amazing! And I'm glad you liked the notes, even if I could only catch a couple thing!

@kingnocedas - take your time!! This is for you, not for me or anyone else!! And if you don't want to type anything more, hey, that's cool too!! But I'm happy you're enjoying my notes anyway. :D

First up is 3/3 for @kingnocedas!! It's been lovely meeting your characters these past three days, and I hope you won't hesitate to come back around sometime!! But for now, top down on Karuko…

Time to rip my own critiques wholesale!! Basically copy-paste the previous notes on overall sparseness and prejudices specifically. I won't bore you by typing a long apology for being redundant–you know I'm really sorry!!

As a personal note for Karuko, her apathy seems a little strangely placed. I can understand how she might struggle to understand deeper emotions or struggles such as depression, but apathy seems wrong. Clearly Karuko cares a lot about happiness and laughter, proving that she's not quite apathetic to the bone. You could explain which emotions she's apathetic about, but right now, this is a touch confusing.

History already says 'flesh out more' and 'make heavier' which is good! I would definitely agree that this needs a LOT more meat in it. However, unless you actually have a heavy backstory in mind, don't feel the need to make her backstory heavy! "Gotta make em laugh" characters can either come from heavy backstories or REALLY light ones. So I don't know how committed you are to weight here (and again, you TOTALLY can go that way and BELIEVE me when I say I love me some heavy backstories) but it's not a necessity!

And that's… all I can offer you. I'm so so so sorry–I feel like these keep getting shorter!!! But I would really encourage you to come back for a round 2 on these lovely ladies, because I am ACHING to meet them and to give you the critiques you deserve!!! Again, so sorry, but I hope that these notes are helpful for now!! :DD

All righty, time for @/ Kitty Writes! Top down on Zane…

First thing that jumps out at me is prejudices. To be against big businessmen is okay, but Zane is motivated largely by money and success, and he's a selfish person. In that sense, he has a LOT in common with that type of person. Doing morally questionable things for money… is literally corruption. Now, if you were to frame this as a self-loathing thing, kind of an ingrained sense of hatred against the kind of person he's become, that's cool! It's super fun to do that with prejudices. But you do have to write in more backing for that. And if you don't choose to go that way, know that this prejudice feels wrong.

I know that Zane isn't interested in forming relationships (and that's fine, given his selfish nature) but just know that this seems like a guy with a lot of casual friends/acquaintances. Confident, good in social situations, very nice when off the job… he's probably on first-name basis with a handful of baristas and bartenders at LEAST. These are probably casual things that don't merit real relationships, but I still feel it could be interesting to explore.

Religion rant time!!!!! So if you've read anything else I've posted on here, you'll probably know that I care a LOT about religion and politics. You've got politics filled out (give me a second on that one) but religion is absent! And I would really encourage you to fill it out, because religion is a great vehicle for a lot of traits to be revealed! Characters who crave things like organization, structure, and external appearances will tend towards organized faiths. And characters on the opposite end of the spectrum can be broken down into agnostic or atheistic, which defines their worldview as generally nihilistic or hopeful!!

Now, politics!! Liberal conservatism is a valid view, but make sure to research the politics of Zane's country. If it's USA ESPECIALLY, this presents a touch of an issue. Zane is decisive at all times, so of course he would choose an ideology he likes and sticks to it, but how does he VOTE? Parliamentary systems will often have an option for him, but systems more like the US won't.

History is solid in substance, but a touch sparse. I understand why Zane would go to great lengths for financial stability, but not much else about him. And there's one sticking point. He was upset that his mother didn't keep her job and provide for her FAMILY. But when Zane pursues success, it's all for himself. So where did he shift from provider to selfish?

Okay! That's all I have for you!! Zane is a very well-developed character who just needs a touch more polishing to be incredible. Thank you for coming by the thread–swing by any time!! And for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll no there's absolutely no problem with this, in fact i have to thank you yet again!! i took your advice to heart with the other two characters and i'm kinda in the process of adding more backstory to them! i do have a heavy(ish) backstory for her and i'll DEFINITELY use whhat you told me!

Hi hi, everyone!! Let's round up for the evening…

Tonight's critiques are for @/ Destinee and @tiredandconfused!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull and @polkadots11!!

Day after that (the 27th) they go out to @stolenbrocoli and whoever else grabs a slot!

@/ Kitty Writes - I'm glad you liked it!!! And I'm also glad you're hyped to work on him some more! He's already so wonderful and I'm excited to see where he'll go from here. And I can't wait to meet your other characters! :D

@kingnocedas - Aww you're welcome!! I'm so glad I could still be helpful. I hope to see you around again, but as for now, thank you for your kind words and your lovely characters! :D

All right! Let's ring in the evening with @/ Destinee! Top down on Shuiro….

Nature is generally solid, but a thing or two jumps out at me. First is her naïveté, which seems jarringly out of place with multiple facets of her character. She's aggressive towards people she distrusts, she refuses to trust people who have betrayed her in the past, she can't accept help from others… basically, she won't rely on people who haven't earned it. (She's described as loyal, so I'm guessing she's willing to depend on SOME people). But that's not naive–quite the opposite. She's careful with who she listens to, relies on, and trusts. To paint her as naive feels wrong.

Also, I feel like we need to know a LOT more about how she acts around people she distrusts. Normal Shuiro is open, emotionally out there, friendly, compassionate, etc., etc. But she doesn't trust people who have wronged her before. She's meaner around people she distrusts. So how does her personality shift? How cold and closed off does she become when facing down people she deems mean? I feel like this is a bit of a space that needs filling.

(ha sorry yes I do tend to go off on relg/politics a lot!! I just feel like they should count as nature traits and nobody treats them like that. But Shuiro's are excellent!!)

History is excellent!! It lays a wonderful foundation for Shuiro's progression through life. But I feel like some of her traits aren't fully backed in this story. Why does she struggle accepting help? Why does she have such an ingrained view that bad people can't change? Things like that don't just come from nowhere. Make sure to add some backing for these!! The latter would, I assume, have something to do with Sarah, but either way, be sure to make it clear where it comes from.

Okay! That's all I can offer you tonight!! Shuiro is a wonderfully well-developed character, and I was tugging at threads to find issues. But even though it's not a ton, I hope that these notes are helpful!! :DD

Okay, @tiredandconfused, welcome back!! Here we go - top down on Taysali…

For starts: WOW. Taysali's nature page is incredibly smooth and well-developed. Anything I have to say about it will either be extreme nitpicking or overarching suggestions.

First up, I feel like Halisia should have more weight on this page. Right now, Taysali's personality is largely shaped by the loss of her family (QUITE understandable) but if I recall, she really liked Halisia and was committed to training her well. It could be really interesting to explore how Halisia's entrance into Taysali's life changes her, perhaps bringing more humor and joy into her life. The same can be said with Fake Lleyan–how does she blossom after realizing that her entire family isn't dead? And if and when she learns that Fake Lleyan is in fact fake, how does she react?

Also, this is a VERY small thing, but keep an eye on the slight discrepancy between her view of lies and her view of reputation. It's well established that Taysali hates lies and deception, but she doesn't care about her bad reputation… which is based on false rumors. So why can she tolerate the lies about herself? Is she just tired, or is it something else?

Backstory is SOLID as always, but I do have one little question. If Taysali has seen so many imposters pretend to be Lleyan over the years, why does she suddenly believe this one? Why hasn't she become somewhat jaded by the constant stream of false grandsons? I feel like he can't possibly be the first one to cover up the birthmark spot with a burn. And certainly some people got tattoos or makeup done–I mean, this is NOBILITY nobility. It's more a plot thing than a character thing, but just make sure you consider that!!

And that, my dear, is all I have for you tonight!! As always, it's a pleasure to meet your characters, and Taysali is exceptionally well-developed. I hope to keep seeing you around! But for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll Thank you so much!! I'll definitely add more of Halisia's and Sarus' impact to her character. I think that Taysali is just too exhausted to care about the rumors around her reputation anymore. She might have put up a fight earlier but they didn't die down and she didn't have the energy to deal with them. Taysali believes Sarus to be Lleyan because it was the first time that some of the nobility supported the idea that he was truly Lleyan, although she was unaware they were all members of Valarae's Order. The existence of his birthmark wasn't widely known, so she was a bit shocked when Sarus knew about it. The burn marks also made her feel an immediate kinship to him since she had gotten burns in the fire herself. His backstory didn't fall apart and he remembered key details about his childhood as Lleyan, and since he was the first one with the most evidence, Taysali believed him to be Lleyan. Again, thank you for the critique!

When you got the time, could you check out my baby, Colby? Thanks!

Hey I decided to remake another character profile

Hi folks!! Round-up time!!

Before I get going - @Kinarymo - I'm so sorry!!! I don't think I've ever missed someone before, but thank you for letting me know!! Of COURSE you'll be going first up tonight, since you should've gone, like, two days ago. I have no idea how I managed to completely miss your post???? Like it was right there. I guess I'm blind?? BUT! Right away tonight. Sorry!

So with that in mind, here's the line-up (probably slightly changed):

Tonight's critiques are for @Kinarymo and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!!

Tomorrow, they go out to @polkadots11 and @stolenbrocoli!!

Day after that (the 28th) it's time for @JokerOfTheDeck and @NotSoBeautifulDiseaster!!

@tiredandconfused - Glad you liked it!! The backstory thing was quite small, but your explanation is wonderful and makes a lot of sense! I'm slightly nervous that I've seen all/most of the MCs in your universe, but I hope you still come around! :D

Okay, @Kinarymo - hi!! I literally cannot apologize enough. I have NO IDEA how I just missed your link for DAYS. You know I still love you right? I promise this wasn't intentional!!! I'm just blind as hell!!!!! yeah so um DUMB MISTAKE ASIDE let's go top down on Alphonse!

If I'm not mistaken, this is a round 2! I can't quite recall exactly what I said previously, so I'm sorry if I sound redundant!

Nature is generally very solid. Pulling from my mediocre memory, I did have a couple contradiction notes and an overall look for Alphonse. Unless I am MUCH more tired today than the evening of my previous critique (…unfortunately quite possible) those contradictions have been resolved! I do see something new that I didn't think to mention before–motivations! Alphonse is a character who struggles with social anxiety, but is a great friend where it counts. He even has that anxiety bypass where he can stand up for his friends, not himself. It's heavily implied that he cares about his friends, but that's not listed as a main motivation. This is a REALLY small thing… unless it's intentional. If Alphonse really cares about his own fame above all else, that adds a layer of selfishness to his personality that needs to be explored.

But the overall critique–if I recall, giving more information as to how he acts when relaxed, having fun, around friends, etc.–still stands. I still feel like I know little to nothing about how Alphonse interacts with his friends outside of art compliments and, to a small degree, confrontations. I won't type out the whole spiel here, but remember to add that layer!

Backstory is solid! I can't see any HUGE changes from my previous look at Alphonse. And if there are any, they're small but impactful enough to make this backstory unproblematic. Nice!

And that, my dear, is all I have for you tonight!! Alphonse is an excellent character, and he seems even better than before. I'm so, so, so sorry to have kept you waiting for days–it won't happen again! But no matter how you feel about that, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, moving on to @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!! Welcome back! Top down on Erka…

(okay I lied it's one of those reversed-name situations (from my western perspective that is. I am sure that my name is a reversed-name situation to MANY folks) so it's top down on BRAKYS!)

Okay! So I know you said you were hyped for what I have to say, and I have to be honest with you here: it's not a ton. This is for two reasons. One, what you have so far is solid! Pretty nice! She sounds great! Two, what you have is more or less the core of her personality. There aren't that many sticking points because it's all basically CORE, which means… nothing to contradict. But I'll nit-pick a bit and see if I can find anything!

I want to poke a bit at the ambivert thing you have going on here. Brakys is an introvert who isn't shy and reserved–cool! me too! But there are a couple small inconsistencies in the execution of that trait. They spiral from the idea that she stays around a couple friends to avoid unwanted interaction. The problem here is that Brakys is already described as a character who will instigate and maintain interactions with some other characters. So why would she be avoiding social interaction if she's often the one to start it?

Also, she feels vulnerable off of her horse. How many interactions is she able to instigate when she feels exposed and vulnerable? And how often does she get the chance to talk to people casually while on her warhorse?

Not a ton, I know!! (sorry!!!) But once you start branching her personality out into tricky spots, like flaws, prejudices, etc., I can REALLY get going here!! (Also, the little note in backstory is much appreciated!) I'm really excited to see where Brakys goes from here, and I'm honored I get to help out! See you next time, and for now, I hope these couple notes are helpful! :D

He’s not quiet finished, yet, but I was wondering if you could do a critique on my boy Akecheta? Whenever a spot is open and you are free, of course.
It would be lovely

Thank you :) !

Okay! So I know you said you were hyped for what I have to say, and I have to be honest with you here: it's not a ton. This is for two reasons. One, what you have so far is solid! Pretty nice! She sounds great! Two, what you have is more or less the core of her personality. There aren't that many sticking points because it's all basically CORE, which means… nothing to contradict. But I'll nit-pick a bit and see if I can find anything!

I'm glad I'm on the right track so far! :D And I'll be honest, I meant to have a lot more by the time it was her turn, but time got away from me I'm afraid xD I appreciate the nit-picking <3

I want to poke a bit at the ambivert thing you have going on here. Brakys is an introvert who isn't shy and reserved–cool! me too! But there are a couple small inconsistencies in the execution of that trait. They spiral from the idea that she stays around a couple friends to avoid unwanted interaction. The problem here is that Brakys is already described as a character who will instigate and maintain interactions with some other characters. So why would she be avoiding social interaction if she's often the one to start it?

Hmmm, yeah, I see what you're saying! I'll fix that before I ingrain it too deeply into her personality xD Thanks for catching that!

Also, she feels vulnerable off of her horse. How many interactions is she able to instigate when she feels exposed and vulnerable? And how often does she get the chance to talk to people casually while on her warhorse?

Another really good point I wouldn't have thought about O.O On her horse she would still have a lot of chance to talk to others given the outdoorsy nature of her culture, but iwill have to really think about that <3

Not a ton, I know!! (sorry!!!) But once you start branching her personality out into tricky spots, like flaws, prejudices, etc., I can REALLY get going here!! (Also, the little note in backstory is much appreciated!) I'm really excited to see where Brakys goes from here, and I'm honored I get to help out! See you next time, and for now, I hope these couple notes are helpful! :D

No, this is great! :D I'm super excited to bring her back in for more once I get her fleshed out! Thanks so much for taking a look at her! :D

Hey can you check out my MC, Bellance? I'm not sure how to link her in tho. I want critisism, she isn't very far along yet!

Hey can you check out my MC, Bellance? I'm not sure how to link her in tho. I want critisism, she isn't very far along yet!

If you go to your character's profile, and find the red edit button, the pencil? Right at the top. Don't click it, but look at the button farthest from it, kinda a triangle thing. Click that, make it public, then just copy/paste the link into this thread <3
Hope that helps!

Hello, everyone!! How are y'all doing tonight?? A touch later than usual tonight, but it's never too late to round up!

Tonight's critiques are for @polkadots11 and @stolenbrocoli!!

Tomorrow, they go out to @JokerOfTheDeck and @NotSoBeautifulDiseaster!

Day after that (the 29th) it's time for @QUABSTIX and @Josephine!

@Josephine - To link a character, just go to her page, and hit the button that looks like an almost-finished triangle. It's three dots for points but only two lines. It should be near the editing pencil. Switch your character's settings to 'public' so that I can access the page, then copy-paste the link it shows! So long as I can access your character on the 29th, we're good to go!

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull - Glad you enjoyed!! Even though I know it wasn't a LOT lot, thanks for taking my words to heart! :D And I can't wait to see her again!

@tiredandconfused - That's awesome!! I really love meeting your characters. There's such rich worldbuilding behind amazing backstories, and all of that beneath compelling and unique personalities–it really is a joy. :D

Another reminder never to trust my refresh button!! @Josephine, @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull, sorry for the double advice!

And hey, folks–welcome to TWENTY PAGES!!! (wow!!!)