Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]
Started May 20, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

Hi, everyone!! Let's round up for the evening…

Tonight's critiques are for @Reblod and @DragonSunGod!

Tomorrow, it's time to @Young-Dusty and @/ Dibbobulous!

Day after that (the 15th) slots are for @Pop-Liquid and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!

Also, I think I'm going to set the 24th of August as my closing date. I'll be accepting critiques through that evening, but then I have to leave if I want to focus on school and my other responsibilities. It's been a wonderful time this summer, and I'm dreading leaving you all! But I'm going to enjoy the time until then.

@CinnamonRoll

Let's get going with @Reblod! Top down on Mara…

First thing that jumps out at me here: charisma. I understand the intimidation side of things, but WHY do people warm up to Mara quickly? She seems to have expressed no interest in making people like her, and she seems to not care about much of anything. And she's aloof and cold, not exactly a magnetic personality. For people to really attract others without actively trying, they have to be REALLY magnetic. Mara has mystery appeal, but that's the kind of person you whisper about with your friends, not the kind of person you walk up and talk to.

Also, how do her madness and her intelligence balance? I understand that madness is something that gets worse over time, and in the beginning, she would maintain her intelligence. But when the two are battling it out for control, how does that look? Does she lose grasp on her plans? Is she self-aware enough to get scared by the loss of her intellect?

I would also really recommend digging into the details of those rare emotional attachments. Not like who they were with and why - rather, how she changes her behavior around people she begins to care about, and how she feels about that shift.

History is solid, but I do have a couple things to poke at. One: why didn't they just kill her? I understand that plot points are plot points, but to set up a society in which hybrids are illegal and must be killed and then explicitly not kill Mara seems jarring. And why did she care about her bad situation? You've already described that hybrids are generally emotionless. So why did Mara manage to foster enough hatred to keep holding onto it beyond her captivity? As readers, we think, "Well of COURSE she'd seek revenge! That was awful!" And that's true. But you've also set up a character who rarely experiences strong emotion, and usually finds it easy to sever connections. What about THIS makes her hold on?

Along the same vein, why did she mentor young rogues? Getting training for her own gain is fine, but why did she stick around and help others if she doesn't really care?

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight!! Mara is a REALLY cool character, but writing emotionless characters is super difficult and will require more explanations. Thank you for coming by and I hope that these notes are helpful to you! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

All right, @DragonSunGod, let's do this!! Top down on Medea…

Nature is QUITE sparse. I'd really, really encourage you to fill out more fields here, especially those like motivations and prejudices!! Deeply exploring nuances of character and sides of personality (public persona, private self) can REALLY take your character to the next level. And since most of my critiques are based in contradictions, exploring more traits is exactly what I need to help you as much as I can. Until then, I'll do my best!

There's just one thing jumping out at me. I understand that Medea has a lust for knowledge, but why hasn't her caution increased significantly given what she's been through? After multiple traumatic experiences, I'd expect her to be much more careful in her search for learning. The fact that she still makes risky/bad choices is jarring to me.

I feel like the Religion field needs some love here! Medea is the chosen of a goddess - how does that work religiously? Is it a worship thing, or does that kind of faith drop away, making more of a partnership?

DAMN this is a backstory!!!! I love it! And I especially like the infusion of classic Celtic mythology - the Malebolgia is AWESOME.

I don't actually have any complaints about the contents of the backstory. What I will say, though, is that there is SO MUCH here to go through and pull traits from!! Motivations alone are constantly shifting, but rooted in a desire to protect. Everything you need is right here!

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. In backstory, Medea is a very well-developed character. You just need to make sure that personality is fully explained! Thank you for coming by the thread (come back whenever!) and I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@Reblod

Okay this was helpful. Writing Mara has been difficult and I think because of how much she’s changed over time I get kind of confused on how I want her to be. Aand of course, amendments for my own use…

I think what I mean by charisma…she’s not approachable by any means. I suppose I meant that she’s intimidating and kind of terrifying but she knows how to act in a way that keeps people from suspecting her of actually being a shady person. Ach I mean, in a way that makes her seem more ‘human’. She’s intriguing and when people do talk to her and are in a situation when they spend a lot of time with her, she can be almost endearing with the little quirks she presents to people.

I completely forgot about the conflict between madness and intelligence. She’s never really aware of her madness until she gets a grip on it. Whatever plans she has become completely derailed. I suppose this is a reason why she has acquired several loyal followers/commanders to keep things on track. Towards the end, she’s no longer herself at all. She has no discernible intelligence nor really consciousness.

The complex subject of hybrids and emotions/attachments is a racial trait that I’m still working out so…I guess it’s still in beta

Her being kept alive I believe was something I had worked out a long time ago but have since forgotten so I’ll definitely be working on that. (EDIT: !! I JUST REMEMBERED IT'S BECAUSE HYBRIDS ARE RARE AND INFORMATION ON THEM IS LIMITED AND THEY WERE CURIOUS not a super strong reasoning but reasoning nonetheless)
Mara’s sense of will is quite unique despite her troubles with emotion. I suppose it would be more like instinct to get revenge. Eliminate the competition. Destroy the thing that hurts. Logically, it’s impractical to destroy an entire nation/race of people but Mara often loses her sense of logic which is why her ‘eliminate the competition’ instinct got…a little out of hand.

As for the rogues…good question. At that particular point in her life, her need to get revenge would have waned quite a bit and she would have no other purpose to her life. I think her main goal would be to fit in and live. So she just lived the life of a fully trained rogue/Druid. This then ended as her madness began twisting her mind and her old qualms resurfaced and became confused.

I really appreciate the critique! This has really helped smooth out her character a lot more.

@RobinBlade

@CinnamonRoll seriously, THANK YOU! I really was very nervous about my girl's backstory but I'm glad on how much you appreciated it! Thanks a lot! I'm gonna reinforce and give more deep on everything you suggest me!

@CinnamonRoll

Hello, folks!! Here I am, ready to round up for the night:

Tonight's critiques are for @Young-Dusty and @/ Dibbobulous!

Tomorrow, it's time for @ @Pop-Liquid and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!!

@Reblod - I'm glad it was helpful!! And I was having a hard time articulating this last night, but here's what I'm seeing. Your explanations of emotionlessness make it seem like hybrids are reliant on logic and cold calculation, not feeling. But all of Mara's motives and major character moments are based in her complete loss of logic and overemotional action. I think that's the contradiction I was trying to get at!

@DragonSunGod - I'm so glad you enjoyed!!! The backstory really was wonderful. Thank you for caring about my words! <3

@CinnamonRoll

Okay, @Young-Dusty, let's do this! Top down on Johnny…

WOW, this is an awful man!! With a well-developed personality. He's a well-developed awful person. I'm actually impressed that you're willing to write this character (GOOD impressed - there are real people like this, and it's good to see them as villains!!)

I do notice one thing right away. Johnny is described as a good tactician and leader, but I feel that you have to remember his MESS of blindspots. Going against races he thinks are 'inferior?' Going against women? He's bound to underestimate them. His plans may take a hit, since he really thinks something simple will easily rout a group of female fighters, even if that's not the case. If he gets crushed once or twice, he'll probably learn his lesson. But if he keeps those prejudices, that lesson won't be likely to stick with him.

Also about leadership - does this guy have a reckless streak? I haven't seen it stated explicitly, but given his narcissism mixed with anger issues, I could see that easily. If he does, that's another thing you'd have to throw in as a complication to his plans. Receiving an insult on the battlefield could cause him to divert from his course.

imagine if he got insulted by a woman. on the battlefield. and did something dumb. and just got whacked. wouldn't that be nice i don't know maybe -

Backstory is SOLID! god, I love your story premise. Just one plot thing here: How did Johnny ever manage to become leader of the Gator Boys? I don't have a perfect understanding of the group, but from what I can tell, it's multiple families or one extended family. Johnny was breaking code rules from day one. Were there no other options for a leader? Why didn't the Gator Boys try to get rid of him?

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Johnny is a well-developed character who is admittedly an awful person, but hey, well done!! Always a pleasure to see your characters on the thread!! And of course, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Time for a round two, @/ Dibbobulous!! Top down on Rolan..

(For R2s, I find that I tend to offer a bit less, unless a TON of new contradictions have emerged. So sorry if this is sparse, but I'll do my best!)

I'm slightly confused at the explanation for his distrustful nature. The incident with his mother was definitely traumatic, and I can see how it would translate to things like hatred of his father, hatred of drunk drivers, fear of driving, fear of intoxication, stuff like that. But distrust of all people seems a little strange to connect to this incident.

Also, you did a really good job explaining traits, but I don't see a ton about his private self still! Given that we now know more about his temperament and self-consciousness, it'll be fun to explore how those are expressed or suppressed differently around friends and loved ones!

Backstory is solid!! You put a lot of the trait-by-trait stuff in Nature, so this plot-focused backstory is perfect for Rolan! I do have one question: does his father know about PAST? And if so, does it make him more proud of Rolan, or more afraid, or less proud, or something else entirely?

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. In just a couple days, Rolan has come a long way!!! If you want me to keep helping along this journey, I would love to!! But in any case, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria

Okay, @Young-Dusty, let's do this! Top down on Johnny…

WOW, this is an awful man!! With a well-developed personality. He's a well-developed awful person. I'm actually impressed that you're willing to write this character (GOOD impressed - there are real people like this, and it's good to see them as villains!!)

Haha yeah, I uh….definitely didn't somewhat base this guy off people I know lol.

I do notice one thing right away. Johnny is described as a good tactician and leader, but I feel that you have to remember his MESS of blindspots. Going against races he thinks are 'inferior?' Going against women? He's bound to underestimate them. His plans may take a hit, since he really thinks something simple will easily rout a group of female fighters, even if that's not the case. If he gets crushed once or twice, he'll probably learn his lesson. But if he keeps those prejudices, that lesson won't be likely to stick with him.

You're absolutely right and I look forward to having this guy make mistakes that cost him the battle. But he'll probably not learn much– never underestimate the excuse-inventing skills of a man who always has to win/be right about everything x'D The only thing that'll change is he'll show even less mercy in combat.

Also about leadership - does this guy have a reckless streak? I haven't seen it stated explicitly, but given his narcissism mixed with anger issues, I could see that easily. If he does, that's another thing you'd have to throw in as a complication to his plans. Receiving an insult on the battlefield could cause him to divert from his course.

imagine if he got insulted by a woman. on the battlefield. and did something dumb. and just got whacked. wouldn't that be nice i don't know maybe -

cackles I am definitely adding a scene where this happens lolol. Johnny is The Most easily provoked fool.

Backstory is SOLID! god, I love your story premise. Just one plot thing here: How did Johnny ever manage to become leader of the Gator Boys? I don't have a perfect understanding of the group, but from what I can tell, it's multiple families or one extended family. Johnny was breaking code rules from day one. Were there no other options for a leader? Why didn't the Gator Boys try to get rid of him?

Hmm. Yeah, okay, I really need to solidify this part more. The Gator Boys are an extended family/clan, btw, and generally they're very tight-knit and loyal to each other.
I think a few things helped Johnny rise to power. For one thing, as the eldest, everyone expected him to replace his father one day, so they never went through the process of choosing a new leader based solely on merit. For another thing, his bad behavior didn't REALLY become obvious until a few years after he took over. Before that, he was nicely camouflaged among his other rowdy, opinionated, ready-for-a-fight relatives. He also spend that whole time manipulating people until they were either morally corrupted like him, or too scared/emotionally exhausted to speak out against him. (The emotional exhaustion thing comes from personal experience, I ain't proud to admit it but sometimes it's just so much easier to let them win and go about your business.)
But you're right, I need to think a little harder about this part of his life and figure out how to make it more believable. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Johnny is a well-developed character who is admittedly an awful person, but hey, well done!! Always a pleasure to see your characters on the thread!! And of course, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

And as always, I really appreciate your feedback, it was super-duper helpful and a great reality-check for me! Thank-you so much fam!! ^^

@Katastrophic

I got two more for you! Damian and Raiz, just finished their first rework.

Damian's personality was hard for me to pin down, I always end up writing him different than I first imagine. Raiz on the other hand is very straightforward to write but his personality seems contradicting, hopefully his page makes sense! I would love to hear what you have to say about them ^_^

@Oakiin

Hey! I got Boa's dad, if you've still got spots open!

Looking forward to your thoughts on both of them :)

@Reblod

@Reblod - I'm glad it was helpful!! And I was having a hard time articulating this last night, but here's what I'm seeing. Your explanations of emotionlessness make it seem like hybrids are reliant on logic and cold calculation, not feeling. But all of Mara's motives and major character moments are based in her complete loss of logic and overemotional action. I think that's the contradiction I was trying to get at!

Ah yes, I see! I have some revising to do then

@CinnamonRoll

Hello, everyone!! A little late tonight, but I am in fact here! Let's round up…

Tonight's critiques are for @Pop-Liquid and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @Katastrophe and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!

And day after that (the 17th) first spot is for @Katastrophe!

@Young-Dusty - I'm glad you enjoyed!! Long responses like that make my nights, since it shows you really care about everything I have to say. So thank you for that! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Starting out with @Pop-Liquid!! Top down on Abel…

OH MY GOD DEVIL TOWN IS MY ANTHEM OH MY GOD

but REAL critique stuff. My biggest issue with Abel's character sheet is that he feel a little flat. I know he's definitely not, and I can see little peeks of his nuance across this page, but most of what I'm reading seems to be public persona. I don't know much at all about how Abel interacts with his friends, especially Walt. To fully understand and critique this character, it's vital to know all sides of him.

With what I can see, one thing jumps out at me right away. Abel is a character with trust issues, but he also seems to have no verbal or emotional filter. He's constantly betraying what he's thinking or feeling in public. Since this may be due to a condition, I can see how these traits can coexist! But you have to go into what that means for Abel. How does he feel knowing that his condition jeopardizes his trust issues? Is it a struggle? Is it a release? Something else?

History as it is now is fine, but I'd love to see some more detail!! Backstory should be a place to explore every trait of your character and give it an origin point. Why does Abel have trust issues? Why the emotional outbursts? Are his conditions genetic or environmental? Make sure to give a variety of origins - maybe some traits originated due to abuse, but others came from his time with his kind foster mother.

Also, this is a character with a LOT being thrown at him!! He's learning about a secret magical world and getting told that he's a prophet. That's got to be a lot to handle - how is Abel dealing with it?

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. Abel is, so far, a very solid character who just needs some more rounding out to be amazing. As usual, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@Pop-Liquid

Okay, thank you a whole lot. I do agree he does feel a little flat. I kind of just overlooked his personal life quite a bit, and honestly I find it kind of funny in a strange way I did. I will most definitely add more about his personal life.
You made me think about his conditions and his trust issues, as well as how they interact with eachother, and I thank you for that. You've given me a lot to think about and flesh out about him. Thank you for the criticisms, I will definitely use them to improve him. I also hope the creative writing classes I'm going to take this school year will help too.

@IonizationEnergy

I'm slightly confused at the explanation for his distrustful nature. The incident with his mother was definitely traumatic, and I can see how it would translate to things like hatred of his father, hatred of drunk drivers, fear of driving, fear of intoxication, stuff like that. But distrust of all people seems a little strange to connect to this incident.

The justification I had for explaining away his distrustful nature is that if he couldn't trust his own father, then who could he trust? Since he thought his father could save her, he just didn't he automatically assumed things like, "You didn't love mom." or "If you let mom die, will you let us die?" I also think Rolan as a character wouldn't know specifically that this is what causes him to be distrustful and this is more internalized.

Also, you did a really good job explaining traits, but I don't see a ton about his private self still! Given that we now know more about his temperament and self-consciousness, it'll be fun to explore how those are expressed or suppressed differently around friends and loved ones!

Yeah, I added in a relationships category to clear up some of those more intimate and intricate character relationships and I'll work on his Private self some more!

Backstory is solid!! You put a lot of the trait-by-trait stuff in Nature, so this plot-focused backstory is perfect for Rolan! I do have one question: does his father know about PAST? And if so, does it make him more proud of Rolan, or more afraid, or less proud, or something else entirely?

David does know about PAST as an organization, but it isn't until later that he finds out Rolan is a part of PAST. He is initially more scared that Rolan will get injured coming off very stern, then after Rolan gets angry again does he realize some of his shortcomings as a father and dad. This event sparks the rekindling of their relationship and Rolan no longer hates his father.

Thanks for the Round 2 on Rolan! Rolan is the first character I made on this site so it was cool to see what I could do better. Also, sorry this reply is late I was kinda busy yesterday.

@CinnamonRoll

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull - party time!! Top down on Boa…

(okay, so, bear with me here. I'm going to back myself into a corner and we're going to just let it happen, okay? okay.)

A lot of the small flaws and prejudices built into Boa's character seem incongruous with his massive levels of empathy. Temperamental - understandable, but he holds himself back because he's afraid to hurt others? I would expect him to hold back because his processing power mixes with empathy and soothes the anger as he starts to consider their side of the story. Having a temper to begin with is a little strange to consider, but since that's more of a basic emotional thing, I totally get it.

And then his prejudice! Boa is the kind of highly empathetic person to recognize and work through his prejudices. Much like with anger/temper, I understand a more basic, ingrained prejudice. However, given Boa's massive empathy, I don't understand how he could dislike a person without hearing their side of the story. It's the same issue with black-and-white morality: why wouldn't he hear their side of the story.

Next issue: you can't have a perfect character. And you didn't, until I critiqued almost all of his flaws. Welcome to the corner! Given that we know you can't have a flawless angel character, I would advise you to take the above critiques with a grain of salt. You don't have to scrap these traits (if you're feeling it, you could rework his flaws completely, but you don't have to) but you should balance his personality. Boa needs an end point for his empathy, some kind of line that he draws. Once he has limits in everyday life, it'll make more and more sense that he can foster a prejudice or hold black-and-white values.

History!!!!

(for starts: go OFF. obliterate the cruel system and how it forces you to choose between family and economic stability. we are living in a machiavellian economic hellscape)

History was a JOY to read and I am not joking at all. That was awesome!!!! There was so much worldbuilding!!! Of course, it's me, so I have a couple notes:

First up, HOW did Boa do well in training?? This sounds like a very tough-love scenario, and this is a spoiled only child who canonically can't handle criticism. If he did well there, I'd expect him to have grown better at accepting criticism, which doesn't seem to be the case. How did he manage to flourish in his Sentinel training without losing confidence or even having the occasional breakdown?

And then… the empathy. Boa's most major trait. Where does it COME from? I tend to find that empathetic people can relate because they understand, and they've been through a similar incident. Boa's had an incredible, happy life up to this point. As kind as open as he can be, how well can he really understand what the people around him are feeling with so little experience? Not just know it, but really understand.

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Boa is a really, REALLY good character!! I think you need to consider where you're going in terms of balance, but beyond that, he's great! It's always wonderful to have you by the thread, and of course, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

@Pop-Liquid - Wow, fast reply!! I'm really glad you liked it, and I'm happy I could give you things to think about! Creative writing classes are awesome - I hope you have a good experience!!

@/ Dibbobulous - No worries about replying late! I'm here every night. Happy you're still enjoying!! And I hope you're having a good experience on Notebook - I didn't know this was your first character ever on here! :D

@Oakiin

Aaaahhhhh as usual you have the best words of advice, thank-you so much!!

(okay, so, bear with me here. I'm going to back myself into a corner and we're going to just let it happen, okay? okay.)

A lot of the small flaws and prejudices built into Boa's character seem incongruous with his massive levels of empathy. Temperamental - understandable, but he holds himself back because he's afraid to hurt others? I would expect him to hold back because his processing power mixes with empathy and soothes the anger as he starts to consider their side of the story. Having a temper to begin with is a little strange to consider, but since that's more of a basic emotional thing, I totally get it.

Ahhh, yes, you have me there! xD That's what i get for slapping together a character in a day I suppose xD I'll admit, that part was based off me a little as a child, but yeah, doesn't fit with him very well. I am NOT very empathetic at all, so there you go ^^

And then his prejudice! Boa is the kind of highly empathetic person to recognize and work through his prejudices. Much like with anger/temper, I understand a more basic, ingrained prejudice. However, given Boa's massive empathy, I don't understand how he could dislike a person without hearing their side of the story. It's the same issue with black-and-white morality: why wouldn't he hear their side of the story.

I do need to explain this one more, I feel. I got a little lazy putting it down ^^ With those two traits of his, it comes down more to do with he's never met a miner, or anyone who would agree with them, so he never hears their side of the story. In his limited social interactions, he's grown to take their words for everything, and since the nobility he's known have never been anything but virtuous and kind, it's never crossed his mind that they have the option NOT to be. If he ever talked to someone who lived in the mining community, he'd change tunes in a heartbeat, no doubt, and with some real world experience, he'll learn that just because he knows good people, doesn't mean they're all good. I hope that clears it up! (And makes sense xD) These two really have to do with him just (almost unintentionally) growing up in a very small, near gated community, who all share the same opinions.

Next issue: you can't have a perfect character. And you didn't, until I critiqued almost all of his flaws. Welcome to the corner! Given that we know you can't have a flawless angel character, I would advise you to take the above critiques with a grain of salt. You don't have to scrap these traits (if you're feeling it, you could rework his flaws completely, but you don't have to) but you should balance his personality. Boa needs an end point for his empathy, some kind of line that he draws. Once he has limits in everyday life, it'll make more and more sense that he can foster a prejudice or hold black-and-white values.

Thanks very, very much, this gave me a lot of ideas on how to improve him! Having an end-point on his empathy is a great idea, I never would have thought of it <3

History!!!!

(for starts: go OFF. obliterate the cruel system and how it forces you to choose between family and economic stability. we are living in a machiavellian economic hellscape)

(Haha thank-you xD Yeah, that's always been one thing I really hate TwT I kinda made this culture a bit of a 'F you' to some of America's systems, ngl)

History was a JOY to read and I am not joking at all. That was awesome!!!! There was so much worldbuilding!!! Of course, it's me, so I have a couple notes:

Eeeeee thank-you!!! :D ~~Just wait till you get to Valen's haha~~

First up, HOW did Boa do well in training?? This sounds like a very tough-love scenario, and this is a spoiled only child who canonically can't handle criticism. If he did well there, I'd expect him to have grown better at accepting criticism, which doesn't seem to be the case. How did he manage to flourish in his Sentinel training without losing confidence or even having the occasional breakdown?

Yeah, again, I think this was a case of me getting a little lazy, you're totally right xD Canonically, (supposedly if I can figure out how to show/integrate it), he's getting over his sensitivity, slowly and surely. While he probably did get slightly special treatment, because of who his father is, I do need to go back and add in more about how his confidence was shook'd and changed/built up via the training. Thanks for pointing it out! <3

And then… the empathy. Boa's most major trait. Where does it COME from? I tend to find that empathetic people can relate because they understand, and they've been through a similar incident. Boa's had an incredible, happy life up to this point. As kind as open as he can be, how well can he really understand what the people around him are feeling with so little experience? Not just know it, but really understand.

…Is empathy a hereditary trait? I legit have no idea. That was my idea but i could be SO wrong. I'll have to look into that more!

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Boa is a really, REALLY good character!! I think you need to consider where you're going in terms of balance, but beyond that, he's great! It's always wonderful to have you by the thread, and of course, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Ahh, this was such a joy to read, as always :D Thank-you SO much for your time and critiques, you caught everything I never would have >w< I especially struggle balancing out characters I really love, and I know that showed through with Boa. (Hopefully less so for his dad, buuuuut…We'll see xD)

@CinnamonRoll

Hello, everyone!! Slightly early tonight and ready to round up!!

Tonight's critiques are for @Katastrophe and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!

Tomorrow, I'll be critiquing @Katastrophe!

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull - So happy you enjoyed!!! And your responses make me so happy to read. I'm positive that balance will come! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Starting off with @Katastrophe! Top down on Damian…

(So I can't quite recall what I've said on previous critiques - sorry if any of this feels redundant!)

The overwhelming sense I get with Nature is that I don't KNOW Damian. So much of his core personality is built around friendliness and extroverted-ness - he makes friends easily! But I don't see much about how he BEHAVES with those friends. Is his flirty, overly friendly nature just a public thing that relaxes around people he's comfortable with? Does it persist, proving that he is unafraid to show his true self? And other sides, too - how does he behave while alone? Does he hate the feeling of having no one around him? How does he deal with authority, and what has that meant for him? Those various sides are what's missing in Damian's personality.

Other than that, one small thing - prejudices! I am TOTALLY fine with how he works against prejudice, and I'm proud of him!!!! But make sure to specify which bias he has to actively work against. That's still important to consider.

(angelica is my favorite name!!)

Couple of small notes on history!! First up: why doesn't he give 100% to studying? Most of Damian's motivations are wrapped around making people proud of him or living up to memories, so why is he willing to slack off in this one specific area? Second: why isn't Benjamin's death playing more across his personality? This is an event that occurred only three years ago, in front of Damian. Is he still struggling with grief? Why isn't he motivated by revenge? Is he trying to live up to Benjamin by becoming him? Stuff like that!! This is a RAW area, and I feel it needs to have more impact.

Last quick thing - Raiz. I'm reading that Damian and Raiz don't get along due to Raiz's impulsive nature, but that's reflected in the dark side of Damian's nature as well. The two of them certainly share some level of communion - why isn't that enough for Damian?

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Damian is a wonderfully lovable character who just needs a few more facets to be amazing. I will see you tomorrow for the second critique!! And for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@Katastrophic

Starting off with @Katastrophe! Top down on Damian…

(So I can't quite recall what I've said on previous critiques - sorry if any of this feels redundant!)

The overwhelming sense I get with Nature is that I don't KNOW Damian. So much of his core personality is built around friendliness and extroverted-ness - he makes friends easily! But I don't see much about how he BEHAVES with those friends. Is his flirty, overly friendly nature just a public thing that relaxes around people he's comfortable with? Does it persist, proving that he is unafraid to show his true self? And other sides, too - how does he behave while alone? Does he hate the feeling of having no one around him? How does he deal with authority, and what has that meant for him? Those various sides are what's missing in Damian's personality.

Other than that, one small thing - prejudices! I am TOTALLY fine with how he works against prejudice, and I'm proud of him!!!! But make sure to specify which bias he has to actively work against. That's still important to consider.

(angelica is my favorite name!!)

Couple of small notes on history!! First up: why doesn't he give 100% to studying? Most of Damian's motivations are wrapped around making people proud of him or living up to memories, so why is he willing to slack off in this one specific area? Second: why isn't Benjamin's death playing more across his personality? This is an event that occurred only three years ago, in front of Damian. Is he still struggling with grief? Why isn't he motivated by revenge? Is he trying to live up to Benjamin by becoming him? Stuff like that!! This is a RAW area, and I feel it needs to have more impact.

Last quick thing - Raiz. I'm reading that Damian and Raiz don't get along due to Raiz's impulsive nature, but that's reflected in the dark side of Damian's nature as well. The two of them certainly share some level of communion - why isn't that enough for Damian?

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. Damian is a wonderfully lovable character who just needs a few more facets to be amazing. I will see you tomorrow for the second critique!! And for now, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Absolutely helpful! I felt like something was missing when redoing him. His history is the newest of all the characters and I kinda struggled with why he would be part of the story. A big event that would motivate him in so many ways was the perfect puzzle piece, but I guess I forgot to go back and adjust his personality. As for Raiz, they are more similar than they seem on the surface level for sure. I hope Raiz's page clarifies this better on why they don't exactly get along, but I found their relationship more difficult to describe than I expected. Lots of great points I will definitely use to polish Damian, thank you!

@CinnamonRoll