forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]
Started by @CinnamonRoll
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@CinnamonRoll

@Katastrophe - hey, quick response!!! So glad it was helpful!! And I agree - adding that motivating event will add amazing nuance to Damian's character! I'll see you again tomorrow for Raiz! :D

@CinnamonRoll

All right, @Katastrophe, back again!! Top down on Raiz…

The biggest issue I have with Raiz's personality is that he feels a little one-dimensional. While it's okay to have genuinely mean or arrogant characters, remember that those traits need as much of a basis in backstory/deeper personality as anything else. Right now they seem to just be… there.

I'd also really encourage you to examine a softer side. It doesn't have to be all squishy, but maybe just… he feels strangely bad about insulting certain people, or he tries to smile at a couple friends now and again. Little tiny things to remind us that this is still a person (um… I think?) will do SO MUCH for his character.

Oh!!! History tells me a little more about him: He's insecure about his seize in particular. That's really great, and I would love to see more of it in personality! If his confidence is based in false bravado, how does he act when he receives an insult? Has he ever opened up to someone about his insecurity? If not, how has that affected him?

(history story-wise is perfectly fine!! and I like the inclusion of a small encounter that sent him spiraling!!)

One thing in notes raises questions. One, protective nature. If Raiz is so protective of his friends, and Damian is a protective personality, why aren't they compatible? I read that Raiz was disappointed to find out Damian was protective rather than aggressive, but that's what he's like, too.

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. Raiz definitely has more to him than meets the eye, but I would love to see more of his softer side and protective nature! I love meeting your characters, and I hope that these notes help you!!! :DD

@Katastrophic group

All right, @Katastrophe, back again!! Top down on Raiz…

The biggest issue I have with Raiz's personality is that he feels a little one-dimensional. While it's okay to have genuinely mean or arrogant characters, remember that those traits need as much of a basis in backstory/deeper personality as anything else. Right now they seem to just be… there.

I'd also really encourage you to examine a softer side. It doesn't have to be all squishy, but maybe just… he feels strangely bad about insulting certain people, or he tries to smile at a couple friends now and again. Little tiny things to remind us that this is still a person (um… I think?) will do SO MUCH for his character.

ooo yes! I have some softer scenes planned for him later on, but I think I can get one in a little earlier to really show off his character. Though I think him trying to smile might come across as terrifying.

Oh!!! History tells me a little more about him: He's insecure about his seize in particular. That's really great, and I would love to see more of it in personality! If his confidence is based in false bravado, how does he act when he receives an insult? Has he ever opened up to someone about his insecurity? If not, how has that affected him?

One of the "arcs" so to speak is the party fighting a full size dragon, which helps bring Raiz and his personality into perspective. It's one of my favorite scenes and I can't wait to draw it. As for talking about his insecurities, he views them as weaknesses. Maybe I can make that a sort of landmark when he and Damian do start working together? Now I have some ideas…

(history story-wise is perfectly fine!! and I like the inclusion of a small encounter that sent him spiraling!!)

One thing in notes raises questions. One, protective nature. If Raiz is so protective of his friends, and Damian is a protective personality, why aren't they compatible? I read that Raiz was disappointed to find out Damian was protective rather than aggressive, but that's what he's like, too.

I think this comes down to Raiz's confusion in power. While Damian is protective like a shield, defensive, Raiz is very offensive in a more "get rid of the threat" kinda way. Raiz sees aggression and attacking first as more powerful (and Damian's way of doing things weak). I guess it's not supposed to make too much sense because they are supposed to be alike, just severely miscommunicating and each having their own issues. Hopefully this makes more sense? This is the part where I was struggling to describe their relationship.

Okay!! That's all I can offer you tonight. Raiz definitely has more to him than meets the eye, but I would love to see more of his softer side and protective nature! I love meeting your characters, and I hope that these notes help you!!! :DD

As always, I love and very much appreciate your insights! Thank you!

@CinnamonRoll

Hi, guys!! All quiet on the thread tonight!

@Katastrophe - I'm happy to hear you're still enjoying!! Opening up about weaknesses would be SUCH an amazing character moment, and the connection could help with miscommunications (which I LOVE as an explanation, by the way)!!

@Katastrophic group

I hate to take up so many slots, but I this is my last pair and I wanted to get them in before your end date q-q
The last few are really spoilery and plot heavy with their personalities, so they outright won't make much sense. With that said, here's my final pair:
Rei: Rei Lindwood
Ki: Ki
Something def feels missing from Rei, I think, but I can't quite figure out what aspects are lacking.

@CinnamonRoll

Hi, guys!!! Sorry for going dark for so long. I've been getting REAL busy, and I've decided to close this thread early. Everyone who's dropped links still gets a spot. I've made time to critique tomorrow and the day after, so that's when I'll take care of these!! Tonight I'm just on to round up during a quick break.

So tomorrow, I'll critique @tiredandconfused and @LilMeme!!!

Day after that, critiques are for @Katastrope (both characters) and @Queen!!

So so so sorry you guys. I'll try and give a proper goodbye in a couple days! :D

@Oakiin

All right, @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull, here we go!! Top down on Valen…

sorry what do you mean eventual antagonist what uhh my good sir -

Haha yeahhhh, I hate his arc with all my heart : D

(not even ready to offer critiques, just popping in to say that I NEED TO MEET ARVEN AND SASHA RIGHT NOW)

(If/when you open up again I'll send these two to ya! xD I love them so much, they're the best <3)

Jesus Christ, this man is SO well-developed. I WILL be nit-picking here, but just know that you did an amazing job with him!!

YAY! I was so worried I'd made a terrible, imbalanced character ^^

Okay, first little thing: disagreements. So Valen is a person who hates disagreement, and will do his best to smooth things over. But he also struggles to delegate at times, tends to self-sacrifice in battle, and questions the king. A lot of his personality will naturally lead to disagreement! So the question is this: does Valen have the same response to arguments when people are arguing with HIM? If he does, then a portion of his self-assuredness will probably leave him. If he doesn't, he's being hypocritical and acting kind of entitled. Which is a very real personality issue that would be neat to explore if you were feeling it. But either way, make sure to spell out the consequences of his occasionally inflammatory actions.

tbh he might be leaning a little more towards the hypocrite/entitled side, he's got a…couple pride issues. Honestly, I'd kinda like to go into that and make it more of his character now, I'm kinda into that idea ^^ Thanks for pointing this out, you may have just inspired a whole new facet of his personality xD

Also, I'd like to see more about how Valen acts when he's alone. It seems like he depends a lot on connection and interaction, but there must have been a point where he was totally alone, either for a mission or just because his wife and son were out of the house. How did that affect him? Is it more of a boredom thing, or more of a trauma-comes-rushing-in thing?

Hmmm, good point! I'll definitely go deeper into this. I can tell you right off the top of my head that he's kinda both. It's not really traumatizing to him, just,,, really uncomfortable. That's when he goes out of his way to find company. If he really can't, he talks to himself, like a LOT. probably as much as I do haha

(Interesting thing here - if Valen is a tough-love kind of guy, I feel like Boa would be JUST fine with criticism. I mean, it's what he grew up with).

(Yeah, actually, Valen is a really good dad, but…he's literally the reason Boa's so sheltered and spoiled insecure about being yelled at, he was waaay too overprotective of Boa. It's his first child, and he, being just star-struck, loves Boa a little too much, if that's a thing. His wife wasn't really happy about this, and it was one of the few reasons they ever argued. Also part of why Valen did certain things after Boa's death)

"But I shan't, out of respect for your time" HOW DARE YOU. my time is worth NOTHING if I can't immerse myself in your glorious lore dumps my GOD

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!! xD xD I'll make sure to go waaay too into it with Ranir, if you're open again ^^ (Are you planning on opening these next summer? Or just playing by ear? or just not?)

sweet and holy mother of god the king's gonna go dark

really tho

king novik: wingman of the year

REALLY THO

BOA IS GOING TO DIE

the MURDER of the KING sorry WHAT now

:D :D :D Yep! And it's going to be great! I can't wait to put my players through all that!

I'm going to lose my damn mind you need a book or a netflix series or several highly successful films RIGHT now

Ahhh I wish TwT i just hope my family likes the game tbh xD Also, I wish all of it were mine, it's a little bit of a fan game as well. Valen's technically not even my character, but they NEGLECTED him horribly in the game, he only got like, six seconds of screen time and a backstory that literally only said "His son died and he betrayed everybody, ok that's all" They didn't name Boa, or name any wife, or go into him beyond this. He's too much of a sweetheart to NOT be developed more, it's just a crime to let him be so underrated.

I forgot to look for critiques while reading that. let me go back for a sec here -

Haha ain't that a mood xD

Backstory in and of itself is SOLID, SOLID, SOLID. Like, it's amazing. And it's fun to read! But there are a couple events that I feel don't translate enough into his personality, and they mainly have to do with his leadership strategy. First up is his relationship with his sister. Valen and his sister were best friends, but it seems like she was the more dominant personality, and Valen was more of a second fiddle around the most important person in his life. And that's great! But after that, how did he become a dominant personality in his own right - a strong and capable leader? Events between the death of his sister and his appointment just below the king include almost dying and meeting the love of his life. Both major, but neither likely to foster a growth of leadership qualities. I'm not saying he never had them, but I would encourage you to set the scene for how/when they emerged!

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!!! And thank-you again for nit-picking and throwing out those inconsistencies and issues! :D
I really need to stop being shy about going into too much detail with these, I actually know all that about his development even with Ralli there, she's a little more loud than him, but they've always worked together as a smooth team of leaders. But his real prowess and ability didn't really start to shine until after they were placed on different teams late in the sentinel camps. Then he started leading in his own right, and grew a lot more assertive through the Night Parade, and ultimately, the Commander Trials.
I'll have to go more into that in his bio :) Thanks for pointing it out!

And then there's his capture in Hell. Obviously NOT the ideal place to be, and his self-sacrifice ensured that he suffered the most. What impact did that experience have on his leadership? Did he grow more cautious? Less decisive? More defensive? Such a huge experience would probably impact the choices he makes moving forward.

Haha, yeah, I…got lazy with that one. I pretty much sat down and wrote his whole backstory in one day, and man I gotta quit doing that xD There's actually probably another three or four paragraphs about that venture, but what I will say happened in a nutshell, is he got WAY more protective of his people, even more so, that is, and he had a very hard recovery, with a lot of trauma response and night terrors. He never made the mistake that got them caught again, and he's a lot more likely to think through his split-second decisions while he's acting on them, in case he needs to abort. Rather than just make the decision, and go with it.

WOOOOO, okay!! That's all I have for you tonight!!! I know a fair amount of it is just me getting excited about your story, but I think a little validation spiced in is okay!! Valen is an AMAZING character, and I'm WAY too invested in him already. I hope that my notes are helpful with the tiny little bumps in his character!! :DD

thank-you SO much, this was a joy to read! :D

THANK-YOU SO MUCH!!!! Not just for this, but for all the critiques you've given me and my babies, you've really inspired me a lot and given me a lot of confidence :) I really appreciate you for starting this up, I hope you have nothing but the best school year. if you ever need or want anything, I'm happy to return favors :)
Thanks again so much!! I know I've thanked you probably a thousand times, but I mean each one <3