forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]
Started by @CinnamonRoll
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@CinnamonRoll

I've been a member here for a LONG time and I used to critique a lot! I miss it and want to start again. My critiques are mad comprehensive and (hopefully) super helpful! So drop me some character links and let's develop your lads together!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Ok, @lilamck first. Top down:

Oops! Your character is set to private. Make sure to make their settings 'public' under 'share.' Once I can see the character I'll put you back at the top of the list! :D

@CinnamonRoll

All right, @Young-Dusty! Top down…

I don't deal much with looks, because I don't think it's super important to a character, but I would encourage you to look into height/weight charts! Considering the weight of a character has come in weirdly handy for me, especially when writing romantic and fight scenes. Plus, showing that she's a short height but heavy tells us a bit about her muscle mass.

Nature. Her flaws seem a little bit incongruous with the rest of her character. She seems like an open and honest person, thinking things through and acting with decisiveness. She has positive outlets for any aggression, like working out. The idea of a character like that being "quick to argue and slow to apologize" just doesn't… make sense. Bluntness and insensitivity could be understandable–if she's so honest, she's naturally going to offend someone quickly. Acting only when she respects the order and the person it came from also makes perfect sense, because this is a character who premeditates her advances. I just feel that the 'quick-to-fight' flaw weakens a strong personality. Also, telling me that she's strong despite her hard life and loves to seize every day tell me that this is a HAPPY character. She doesn't seem like she'd just argue with people.

Okay, so I'm in the minority here when I say I think politics are VERY helpful to understanding a character. I like to explain how liberal or conservative my characters would be considered in their world, because that gives readers a sense of their general beliefs. Plus, consider politics within her group! I haven't learned much about the Deorn Hunters, but I'm guessing they have a leader, especially since you previously said that she only listens to orders from leaders that she respects. So you'd think that she's very invested in what kind of person she want to be her leader. That's politics, baby!

Her backstory is comprehensive and well-done! I like how she gets a genuinely happy ending! However, I think you should say more about when she picked up her 'education.' I'm guessing most of it came when she was raised by Chopper, but what about her time on the road searching for the Hunters? What was that time like for her? I think that's the only part that you need to expand on.

I think that's it! Let me know if you have any questions, and I hope that this helped you!! :DD

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria group

Thank-you so much, that was all very helpful!
You make some good points about her personality and backstory, I'll definitely go back and try to fill in those gaps when I get the chance ^^ I hadn't really considered her politics much, but you're right, it could potentially say a lot about her. And yeah, some of her flaws might be inconstant, or might need more clarification.
I like your critique style, I may be back in the future with more characters if you're still open by then :D
Thanks again!!

@CinnamonRoll

Next up is @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull! Top down, of course…

Okay, this armor description is AMAZING. I'm just critiquing the character, so I won't delve in to the armor at all (if you want me to, just ask!) but I sure am glad my eyes were blessed with that stunning description.

For starts, "Gender: They." was wildly passive-aggressive, and, basing my character assumptions on what I learned about them from their armor style, it's like they wrote it themself. I don't know, that was just funny.

Okay! So I don't critique looks that much, because it's not a huge deal, but I always encourage people to add weight. You elaborated later on their muscle mass–that's key. Use a height-weight chart and figure out how heavy they would be. It's good to know you characters' relative weights when writing romantic scenes or, as is more likely for Dakota, fight scenes.

I ADORE how fleshed out these hobbies are!!! One question–boiling water with bare hands? Is that possible? Like physically? It may as well be, but I'm skeptical.

Oh my GOD. When I tell you I haven't read a character this well-developed in my time on this platform, I mean it. Their development is stunning and apparent. You've obviously poured time and thought into this character, and it's incredible. The flaws arise naturally, and everything just… fits. But I'm here to critique, so I'll be a little nit-picky. The most glaring issue to me is the morality. When you say that Dakota's morals are situational, I get insanely confused. This does not seem like the kind of person to compromise on their moral code. This clashes most obviously with their hatred of all people. You'd think Dakota would be willing to open up to one person, someone that they deem good, but they're not. And that's okay, but such resolve to shun every human being is entirely incongruous with flexible morals. Dakota strikes me as the kind of person to put their foot down and not move it, to make a decision and never change their mind–not change morals based on the situation. I would consider how those two traits in particular work together.

"They abandoned faith after logic kicked in" bro, can relate

Politics–thanks for including them!!! I would consider reading a bit into libertarianism, as I feel it fits Dakota very well. Also, I adore the idea of a (nonbinary? "they.") character leaning conservative, because it's interesting to consider, and it's accurate! Dakota does not seem like the type of person to lean liberal, despite their gender, and I'm glad you did that.

When I opened up this history page, I almost cried. I'm so excited to read this. Give me a moment!

okay, done!

OH MY GOD, that's a solid backstory. I really don't know why you're leaving this lad on my thread when they read like a fully published character. There is just one point of confusion in this backstory. The push to kill their team is understandable, mostly–it doesn't fit perfectly with their characterization, but that leap needed to happen somewhere, and it's the most appropriate place. The issue is with the 'rampage.' It doesn't make sense for Dakota to just go on a killing spree, since they have been established as a character that doesn't fight unless pushed. After that snap where they killed the team, it would make sense for their character to change and for them to become more at peace with killing. If that's the case, you need to make it clear in their nature that there is a shift here. Alternatively, it would also make sense if Cello kept trying to take them down by throwing side characters at them, since that would mean Dakota would never strike first. Either way, you have to clear up the rampage part, because it feels out of place.

tag yourself, I'm Incompetent the hen

OH MY GOD YOU LISTEN TO THE OH HELLOS???? I'M OBSESSED WITH THEM!! what a wild world it is I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIKE THEM!!

Now that I trust your music taste, it's time to listen to all these other songs! But that's all for the critique! I adore your character, and you're amazing at character development. Really, really amazing job, and I hope my little notes will help even somewhat!!! :DDD

@Oakiin

Heeyyyyy thanks so so much!!! That was an awesome critique ^^
Let me just,,, hog up a bunch of space real speedy

Okay, this armor description is AMAZING. I'm just critiquing the character, so I won't delve in to the armor at all (if you want me to, just ask!) but I sure am glad my eyes were blessed with that stunning description.

Ahhh ty!!! I'm so glad it was understandable and descriptive :D If you do have any critiques or comments on the armor, I would love to hear them!

For starts, "Gender: They." was wildly passive-aggressive, and, basing my character assumptions on what I learned about them from their armor style, it's like they wrote it themself. I don't know, that was just funny.

Thanks xD Yeah, they will fight anyone under the sun about not accepting a single gender label. THey don't even say they're agener or anything, when asked, it's always just "they"

Okay! So I don't critique looks that much, because it's not a huge deal, but I always encourage people to add weight. You elaborated later on their muscle mass–that's key. Use a height-weight chart and figure out how heavy they would be. It's good to know you characters' relative weights when writing romantic scenes or, as is more likely for Dakota, fight scenes.

While I get where you're coming from, and you make a really valid point there, I never put weights for my characters, since I have an image in my head of who weighs more than who, but no numbers, so at this point it would be massively complicated to try and figure out weights, since I have over 50 of these guys who all interact ant some point and time.

I ADORE how fleshed out these hobbies are!!! One question–boiling water with bare hands? Is that possible? Like physically? It may as well be, but I'm skeptical.

Yeah, it is possible, my sisters knew a lady who's entire job was working with (honey? I think?) anyways, she got to the point she could just reach into the pot of boiling water and grab stuff out without getting burned. She couldn't hold her hands under forever and ever, but just to reach in quickly and grab something and pull it out, she could do that. That's where I got the idea ^^

Oh my GOD. When I tell you I haven't read a character this well-developed in my time on this platform, I mean it. Their development is stunning and apparent. You've obviously poured time and thought into this character, and it's incredible. The flaws arise naturally, and everything just… fits. But I'm here to critique, so I'll be a little nit-picky. The most glaring issue to me is the morality. When you say that Dakota's morals are situational, I get insanely confused. This does not seem like the kind of person to compromise on their moral code. This clashes most obviously with their hatred of all people. You'd think Dakota would be willing to open up to one person, someone that they deem good, but they're not. And that's okay, but such resolve to shun every human being is entirely incongruous with flexible morals. Dakota strikes me as the kind of person to put their foot down and not move it, to make a decision and never change their mind–not change morals based on the situation. I would consider how those two traits in particular work together.

hhhhh tyy!!!!!! :D :D I'm so glad!!! :D And yes, thank-you for nit-picking ^^
You're totally right about that stuff, tbh I've been struggling to make all that work in smoothly and naturally. Dakota's a really tricky character in that regard, and there's a lot of stuff there I need to change and fix. They absolutely are a foot down type, I'll need to work on their moral compass, thanks for bringing that to my attention ^^

"They abandoned faith after logic kicked in" bro, can relate

Ha, honestly thoo….

Politics–thanks for including them!!! I would consider reading a bit into libertarianism, as I feel it fits Dakota very well. Also, I adore the idea of a (nonbinary? "they.") character leaning conservative, because it's interesting to consider, and it's accurate! Dakota does not seem like the type of person to lean liberal, despite their gender, and I'm glad you did that.

Yeah! I'm glad I did, I originally left that blank, but I really think it helps flesh out Dakota ^^ I'll look into libertarianism, I've not heard too much about that before! Tjanks!

When I opened up this history page, I almost cried. I'm so excited to read this. Give me a moment!

eeee! I'm so glad they were tears of excitement and not dread at the absolute brick of text there xDD

okay, done!

OH MY GOD, that's a solid backstory. I really don't know why you're leaving this lad on my thread when they read like a fully published character. There is just one point of confusion in this backstory. The push to kill their team is understandable, mostly–it doesn't fit perfectly with their characterization, but that leap needed to happen somewhere, and it's the most appropriate place. The issue is with the 'rampage.' It doesn't make sense for Dakota to just go on a killing spree, since they have been established as a character that doesn't fight unless pushed. After that snap where they killed the team, it would make sense for their character to change and for them to become more at peace with killing. If that's the case, you need to make it clear in their nature that there is a shift here. Alternatively, it would also make sense if Cello kept trying to take them down by throwing side characters at them, since that would mean Dakota would never strike first. Either way, you have to clear up the rampage part, because it feels out of place.

I think I am really misrepresenting Dakota with the whole killing spree thing, you're entirely right that it seems out of place. Also I've not been super clear on my timelines, since this is still a bit of a draft sheet. Dakota didn't really become a person who doesn't fight unless really pushed until after the event with their team. I need go back and talk about how they've been shunned before, and the impact that had on them, and how it slowly wore away their trust and mental stability. I should probably put delusions under their conditions, since they've slowly grown to believe that humans are incapable of true friendship and love without deceit. When they do finally snap, (their team betraying them), they don't so much go on a rage-fueled rampage, but a monotonous slog of murder that slowballed from an angry killing of their team into an emotionless process they felt they couldn't stop. They felt trapped, since they didn't really think they had any other options but to keep going until they were stopped. Hope that clears that up a little, that part of their backstory still needs a lot of work, I need to re-write a lot of it ^^ Thanks!!

tag yourself, I'm Incompetent the hen

HA same. Her or Barracuda.

OH MY GOD YOU LISTEN TO THE OH HELLOS???? I'M OBSESSED WITH THEM!! what a wild world it is I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIKE THEM!!

THEY'RE THE BEST?????? I LOVE EVERYTHING OF THEIR SO MUCH LIKE EVERYTIME I LISTEN TO THEM I'M SO READY FOR FANTASY AND ADVENTURE xDD My favorites are Hello my old heart and Where's your rider, I just CANNOT get enough of them :D

Now that I trust your music taste, it's time to listen to all these other songs! But that's all for the critique! I adore your character, and you're amazing at character development. Really, really amazing job, and I hope my little notes will help even somewhat!!! :DDD

I hope you enjoyed the rest of Dakota's random slap-dash music xDD And thanks so, so much, this was an awesome critique, I'll be bringing more of my babies back in the future :D

@CinnamonRoll

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull hey I'm so glad I could help!! Please do bring more–your characters amaze me thus far! <3 :D

@CinnamonRoll

Now it's Sophie's turn (that is, @NotSoBeautifulDiseaster). Top down…

So, starting with nature because looks are just fine: I've never seen character sheets in this bullet-point format, which makes it a little difficult for me to fully grasp the character, but I'll do my best! There is one major conflict I see with her personality traits. She reads like a mom friend–overprotective, friendly, caring, the works. What doesn't fit is her dishonesty. The rest of her traits make Sophie seem like the type of person to be honest, so lying is an outlier. However, you make it sound like her lies are almost pathological. IF she's a pathological liar, that would make sense, but only if she's trying to work through lying pathologically. Personality-wise, lying is just jarring for a character like Sophie, and it would take a lot of explaining to make it work well.

Under social, there's one thing that sticks out. Sophie dislikes passive people, but she herself seems a lot like a passive person. This is the issue that arises from the bullet points, so it's no one's fault really, since you probably have all of this explained in your head! But there's no indication in her personality that Sophie is an active person–stubbornness proves that she's strong-willed, but not necessarily that she'll take the first steps.

History is SOLID. I now understand her kindness, since she doesn't want anyone to go through what she has. However, I wonder if she would have any contempt for people who are domineering over others. That seems like it would naturally arise from her situation. The dislike of passive people is either explained or completely disproven by this history, though. To explain it, the prejudice could be played as a kind of self-loathing, like Sophia regrets not being active, recognizes that it may have improved her situation, and is prejudiced against people who make the same mistakes she did. But if that's not the case, it's disproven altogether, since she reads as a very passive character.

Okay, I think that's all I have for you!! Thank you so much for letting me meet your character, and let me know if you have any questions. I hope this helps you!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll

Next up is @Milano. Also, to @Alastor_Radio_Demon and @salami011: never fear! I'm making my way to you guys as quickly as I can without overworking myself and robbing you of a good critique! :D

Anyhow, Meadow! Top down…

Looks is just fine, and actually really descriptive, so let's move right along to nature! What you have here makes sense and all, but I'm not getting an amazing sense of her as a character. This is the level of description I'd give to a side character, not an MC. I'd urge you to flesh out those fields a little bit more–but of course, what's on here doesn't matter as much as what's in your head! If you haven't thought deeper about the fields on this site, though, they're really helpful for character development! Having said that, there is one key thing that I would establish. You say that she's nice, but when you get on her bad side, that goes away. Also, she has a short temper. For Meadow, where's the line? What gets you on her bad side? What sets off her temper? Those little details would bring her to the next level.

For religion, you say that she thinks no one should have a set belief–is she atheistic or agnostic? I would recommend doing some research into the difference if you don't know it already, as which belief someone ascribes to can really define their worldview!

History–oh boy. You need a LOT more here for a good critique. Right now, I'll just go off of what I see, so if I criticize holes that you have filled in your head, I'm sorry–I just don't think I have all the information! For starts, the premise of space AND time travel gets me SO EXCITED! But I don't learn a lot about Meadow from this history. I don't know why she cares so deeply about nature, why she doesn't ascribe to a religion/church, why she has a short temper, why she likes to tinker, etc., etc. Remember that nothing happens in a vacuum. It may seem excessive, but you have to explain EVERYTHING. Trust me, it'll make her character so much more interesting.

If you ever fill out those fields a little more and want me to take another look, I would love to! But for now, I hope I could help!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

@Alastor_Radio_Demon, okay, let's do this! Top down…

Let me tell you, I was MAD confused when I saw "653 lbs" until I realized, "Oh, this is not a human." Fair warning: I'm going to critique Clawface as I would any human character. If there are any idiosyncrasies to his race in particular that I don't understand, sorry for overlooking them! But I'll do my best.

Real quick: be very, very careful about the name Pride Rock. I know it's part of your story, and your world is clearly well-developed, but never forget: Pride Rock is in The Lion King. Now, it's a fairly generic-seeming name, and I don't know if you wanted to play on the connections to TLK, but just keep that in mind! For some readers like myself, Pride Rock will always carry a connotation and you have to be aware of that.

Okay! Nature! I can see the 'villain format' playing itself out on this page. TOTALLY fine (I love tropes myself), but there's one huge inconsistency here. You've got two types of villain in one character: a sadistic spree killer and a controlled planner. I'm sorry, but those two aspects cannot coexist in the way you've put them together. It makes no sense that a villain fueled by the pain of others would be willing to hold back and wait for the right moment to strike. Planners need minions, right? He has some, but he brutally murders those who wrong him. So why would anyone stick around? And if he loves to kill so much, what's to stop him from losing it and massacring those same minions? The biggest point of contention for this inconsistency comes with his prejudice against chimeras. Why would a person (wait. not-a-person) be willing to work with someone they hate if they're an unhinged sadist? Why not just kill them? A planner would work together, so he does. But a sadist wouldn't, so… he still does? That's a HUGE issue.

Now, the two flavors of villain can coexist, but you need to add details. Is he ~fueled~ by his sadism, or is it just an enjoyable upside to his line of work? Is he struggling to control his sadistic madness for the sake of his larger plans, but occasionally falling victim to the rage? Your problem is that both tendencies are dominant right now, and there's no way that would work without some kind of internal conflict.

Religion–I have a quick question. How can you think something is fake AND power-hungry? I feel like only real things can be power-hungry. Does he think the churches/leaders are power-hungry? That the portrayal of Colossi is power-hungry, which is what destroyed religion for him? Sorry sorry sorry! I just got confused.

Just gotta say–this b-plot of "Successful Author!" is KILLING IT for me. Bonus points if the heroes unknowingly reference his books at least once.

"fried antelope legs" look, is it weird that I want to try these now

History and backstory… okay, so there's nothing wrong with what you have, but it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Like, where did these sadistic urges come from? Has he fought them his whole life? Did they awaken during a tragic scene? And when did 'his cause' originate? When did he decide to take over Pride Rock? How does he stay hidden/underground if he has such a massive cause and organization? How in the WORLD is he still a free man (not… man?) after splitting the Farlands into THIRTY ISLANDS? And you mentioned earlier that he 'went insane–' when did that happen? Did he kill his first girlfriend BEFORE he got married? How did he manage to get a girl if he was controlled by sadistic urges and filled with the memory of his first kill?

After a paragraph of questions, the long story short is that you need more explanations. The backstory should answer my questions about his personality and provide a basis for his nature, but it just leaves me more confused. Consider the questions I wrote as well as basically every aspect of his personality to make a solid history. To use my favorite phrase: nothing happens in a vacuum! There will always be a cause, whether it be a period of time or a single incident.

WOW, that got long! Anyway, I really hope I helped you even a little bit! Let me know if you have any questions, or if you want another critique after making revisions!! :DD

@Alastor_Radio_Demon group

@CinnamonRoll Thank you so much! This is probably the most helpful critique I have gotten for this character. I will definitely incorporate these changes when I get the time. I've been pretty busy with school lately so I haven't had time to do much. Thanks again for your time!