Notebook.ai

Would you be interested in giving Eyamir a look?

@CinnamonRoll

@Relsey absolutely!! @CrackpipeDreamer's Kade is before you, but I'll get to Eyamir as soon as I can! :D

@Morosis

(Leaving a comment here so I can return later when you're not as busy haha)

@CinnamonRoll

Morosis - drop a link whenever and I'll add you to the list. Right now there are only two people ahead of you–one in a half hour or so, once I finish this critique.

Okay, @CrackpipeDreamer , here we go! Top down on Kade…

The first thing that stands out to me is his crossed arms. You say that he crosses his arms as a sort of shield against his fear of the unknown, but that seems inconsistent with the rest of his character. He's written as a wanderer, one who's loved adventure since he was young. After all that, why would he be afraid of the unknown? Why wouldn't it excite him? Crossing his arms is totally fine, I just think that your explanation needs a little fine-tuning.

The way he reacts to happiness sounds kind of like a breakdown. Were you going for that? If so, cool. If not, be aware that it comes off that way. Also, this idea of happiness as a foreign concept is going to be really important for my next couple critiques.

First off, what's this about his stubbornness? This is a guy who was raised in an oppressive and I would say abusive household. True happiness is far away, and he still audits his behavior for the approval of his father, who isn't even there. So why would he resist the will of others? At extremes, I could understand. However, he wants approval from others, and some semblance of his happiness is probably linked to approval. This would make him a character who bends to the will of others, at least until he begins to realize his own self-worth.

The same issue arises with his insensitivity. I get that he may not have had much social exposure, but I doubt his father was okay with him being blunt and rude all the time. Also, same as above: if he wants to be happy and gain approval so badly, why hasn't he learned to amend his behavior? You say that he has friends and coworkers, so wouldn't he pick something up from them?

Those two traits that I just mentioned are in direct conflict with his easily manipulated nature. Of the three I've looked though the lens of his reaction to happiness, this one makes the most sense. He's from an abusive household. Until he fully recovers and takes control of his life, pleasing others is what gives him happiness. Ergo, easily manipulated. But it doesn't make sense that someone stubborn and insensitive is also easily manipulated. Here's what I would recommend: make a distinction between traits Kade has immediately after he leaves home and traits he develops as he recovers. I think that could help reconcile a lot of these issues.

Same thing can be said for personality type. Where you say "there is good in him" seems like a split between residual traits and recovering traits. (Also, I never doubted that he was a good person!)

Wait, he hates women? What? Immediately after this, you say that his favorite color is one that reminds him of his mom. And his whole predicament started when he tried to help a girl. I just don't understand how this guy kept that prejudice, when his actions are so different from "I hate women."

Okay, backstory time! First thing I see is just another thing that confuses the whole "prejudice against women" thing–his time with his mother was his favorite time. But I think I've said enough on that already, so I'll leave it at that. But this idea of his father getting custody. I think you need to go into that a little bit more. If his mother got full custody right away, clearly his father was in some way unfit to even see his son. For it to switch over to 'full-custody-for-dad,' his mother would have had to ROYALLY screw up. Like, he doesn't see her on weekends or anything. And his dad would've had to clean up his life a lot. That bit is dicey, since I understand how the full time with each parent is an important plot point, but I think you need more basis. But his reaction to his parents seeming to care more about their resentment for each other than their love for him: that is spot-on.

Wait, he gets lost in Mirkwood?? (kidding kidding kidding i promise!) But is this a magic forest or something, or is it just gigantic? How many turns did he take to get so lost? I like the concept, though! "Lost in a forest forever" sure could explain his subpar social skills.

Wait a MINUTE. just HOLD UP. He's schizophrenic??? What?? So he's 22 and likely just had his break, or maybe hasn't even had it yet. Okay, I freaked out too fast. I guess that's okay. But if he had an early break, make sure to make it clear that this was a big part of his life (because it would have been). And if he has his first break out in the woods without meds, or if he runs out of meds, make sure to discuss what that means for him. That threw me for a loop, I won't lie. I'd like to see it integrated a little more, but this is a character sheet and I'm sure you know what's going on in your head.

And that's all! These seem to be getting longer. I'm worried. But I'm not worried about your character! Most of his personality conflicts come from his changing situation, so all you really need to do is iron out some wrinkles. Sorry if this got kind of rant-y–I'm listening to The Four Seasons, and Winter always gets me fired up. Anyway, I hope that something in here is helpful to you!!! :DDD

@Anemone

(Thanks! :D)

@Morosis

Don't be afraid to be precise. I need the thick skin lmao

Destinee

Hello! I was wondering if you’re still open for critiques for characters! Could you possibly critique my character Marie ?

I’d really appreciate it! Don’t hold back with the feedback too! I welcome the harshness as i see it as a way to grow! Im doing my best to try and give her some more flaws as im scared of her becoming marysue-ish.

@Foxxglove Local Menace

Hi ; v ; I was wondering if you have the time, you could perhaps give me your opinion on my bollito nick? Nicholas Hayes I’ve been working on him for so long I don’t think I can catch things too well and I’d really appreciate an outsider’s perspective c‘:

@Tired-but-passionate

Hey! I’m not all the way done yet but please critique my child Victoria Birdwistle
I know her backstory, it’s just hard write it out sometimes

@CinnamonRoll

Wow! Hello everyone! Lot of people here, but I promise I'll get to all of you! Here's the lineup:

@Relsey
Morosis
Destinee
@Foxxglove
@ella_grace
I think a healthy estimate is that I will get through 2-3 of you guys tonight! By tomorrow, you should all be done! Sorry for taking a bit, but thanks for dropping by!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

@Relsey - just logged back on to critique Eyamir, but alas, he's not public. As soon as you fix that, I'll bump you back up to the top of the list! But for now, Morosis is next.

@Relsey-TheElder

It's alright, I haven't finished transferring his character over.

@CinnamonRoll

All right, Morosis, let's go! Top down on the lovely Nathan…

Oh! He's just fully deceased! Didn't see that one coming, I won't lie to you. But cool! Wacky. Love to see ghost representation in the media.

ANYway. Nature. You haven't given me a lot to worry about here. Everything seems to spiral smoothly from central traits of loneliness and 'good-listener-ness' (you'd think I know a word for that at this point). There's one conflict that jumps out to me right away. Now, a character can absolutely be mischievous and caring at the same time–that makes perfect sense. But what doesn't make sense is that he'll meddle in people's lives to the point where they're paranoid. That's taking it too far for a guy who seems to care about his friends. Even if he's messing with people he doesn't know, Nathan has been described as the supreme listener with the open-mindedness of a god. You'd think that kind of empathy breeds a sense of consideration for everyone, save a few particularly bad eggs. What's the line for him? At what point will he move from messing around with someone to causing that person to live in fear?

Also, what's he like when he gets caught going a little too far? Now I'm no expert, but if I caught my ghost friend spying on me, I would get angry, no matter how well-intentioned he is. Has he ever made a friend angry? How does he get their attention to apologize, reconcile, etc.? It's not really necessary that you think this one through unless it comes up in your story, but I just thought it would be interesting to consider.

For politics, you tell me a lot about influences on his views, but not what those views are. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd assume he'd be close to center, having observed so many different people. But whatever you choose, it's essential that you choose a view for Nathan, I believe. It makes sense that someone who observed so many people would have had time to organize their views. Same thing with religion, I would say, although that one is a bit less concrete. After all, what religion believes ghosts are around and can possess the living? (Actually, probably several, not going to lie).

Backstory seems solid overall. There are just a couple key points that I feel need further explanation. One, the mugging. How late were these people out? They were on a main road, likely well-lit and well-traveled, and yet they were easily attacked and robbed. I genuinely can't think of many times of night, save in the early hours of morning (and I'm talking like 3-5 here) when there would be NO ONE on a main street. It's a tiny detail, but it confuses the whole event. Two, um, how did Nathan, you know, REACT to being a ghost? For some reason, there are no details about his reaction. Was he horrified? Shocked? Did he initially find it cool, just to realize that it wasn't a temporary thing and he couldn't revive his body? I know you probably have that fully fleshed out in your head, so I won't go off on too much of a tangent. I'm just making sure you have that reaction solid, because I think it's key to his character progression past that point.

Okay!! I think that's all I have for you. I had to nit-pick hard to find anything to say about Nathan. Really quite a well-done character here! But in any case, I hope what I've said helps you in some small way. :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Next up is Destinee's Marie! Here we go, top down…

Now, I very rarely critique looks, but this is bugging me a little. As someone with curly hair (big curls), with a sister with curly hair (smaller, tighter curls), and multiple friends with tightly curled/coily hair, there is NO type of curly hair that I've encountered that's easy to run your fingers through. Wavy, maybe. The curls will hook together and absolutely end your career. It's SO annoying.

(hey, before I get going, did you draw those????? they're incredible!!!!!)

Nature is maddeningly coherent, but I'm going to do my best to tug at some threads here. First and most importantly, the incident where she was taken advantage of. I don't have many details about this, but clearly it impacted Marie's personality, making her afraid of being indebted to a person. While 'becoming indebted' and 'being a good friend' are different things, the line there is fine. Marie seems like a character willing to give herself wholly to the people around her, smothering them, always willing to be helpful and supportive. So where's the line? When does Marie stop being friendly and start being suspicious? I think you really need to rectify that. Else, those two personalty traits clash in a strange way.

Murder mysteries came out of nowhere, I won't lie to you, but book taste is a whole different beast. It tends to hint at the type of person you are deep down. I guess I would ask for a clarification: does Marie like true crime? That doesn't make as much sense, considering she'd be reading about real people who were killed and murderers who went uncaught for years. Or does she like fictional murder mysteries, like classic detective stories? This seems to fit better, since it has the aspect of drama and romance as well as a happy ending. Plus, as a bonus, no one real died! This probably isn't even important to your story, oof. It just got me thinking. Sorry!!

Woah, self-critical? Where did that come from? Marie is open about her feelings, comfortable with her wealth without allowing it to go to her head, never allowing her anxieties to hold her back, willing to try anything. Nothing about that screams self-critical to me.

All right, religion and politics! Woo! I yell at people a lot about these. Maybe too much? Nah. Anyway, for religion, I always try to make a clarification for characters not affiliated with any particular religion: atheistic or agnostic? It helps define their worldview as more nihilistic or hopeful. As for politics, I always find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative.' It works for all characters, even those who don't follow politics. Generally it's framed by social issues for those characters, but hey–still works!

Even as a start, her backstory is solid! I'm not going to be picky, because there aren't any huge personality changed that need to be explained by the backstory right now. The one thing I would be sure you have absolutely NAILED DOWN is the experience where she was taken advantage of. Character-altering moments like that are key–it's a trait that alters her other actions with its gravity, so it needs a solid basis.

Honest question before I wrap up: how in the world is that dress unstained???

All in all, you have a strong character here. You said you worried that she could be seen as a Mary Sue, but I don't think you should sell yourself so short. Caring, warm female characters are not necessarily Mary Sues. A Sue is defined by how the world caves in around her, causing everyone to fall in love with her, everything in her life to go her way, etc. If she has a strong supporting cast with ambitions outside of "win Marie's love" and "make Marie happy" and "support Marie," or if she IS a member of the supporting cast, I think you'll be just fine! Please don't worry about your ability to create amazing characters!! And as always, I hope that my notes are helpful to you as you move forward!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll

Three critiques in one night?? It's more likely than you'd think!! But after this one I DEFINITELY have to go to sleep. Okay, top down on @Foxxglove's Nicholas…

(Before I start, DID YOU DRAW THOSE? There are so many amazing artists on this thread and UGH I'm getting JEALOUS. they're seriously amazing. well done!!)

I rarely critique looks, so let's jump straight to nature! First, I think we have to talk about his body language. As you pointed out, body language is really difficult to fake, and Nicholas gives his insecurities away a lot. But while you say his self-assuredness is faked, it sounds like the body language for his unbothered-ness is real. How does this work? Here's what I'm picking up: he acts relaxed and all, but little things give away that he is not. If I'm wrong, sorry!! But that's what I'm going to work with as we examine how this attitude gels with the rest of his personality.

First, his anger. You describe Nicholas as easily angered, but everything else about his character paints a picture of control. He audits his own body language to appear open and relaxed; he has exceptional control of magic. He has healthy outlets, like art and flying. This doesn't seem like a character to fly off the handle. (Side note: I'll admit that I don't know a ton about bipolar disorder. So if anything I say here can be explained by that, please disregard by words! I haven't done enough research into it to be an expert. That being said, it's my baseline understanding that it's based around hyper-elated and depressed periods, so I'll work with that, I suppose). This seems like a character who has all the means to control himself in times of anger, and who can easily work out negative feelings.

Then, his pride. You tell me that Nicholas has too much pride to admit when he's wrong. Where is the source of this pride? His body language tells us that he's insecure. This is honestly a very small issue–you could just as easily explain his unwillingness to admit when he's wrong with his stubbornness, which is an understandable trait.

HE HAS KIDS??? soft dragon dad man. yes

Honest question here: does he start controlling the fighting impulses after he has kids? I would hope so, but I'm not sure if 'mania' is a bipolar disorder term and therefore he can't easily 'just say no.'

History time!!! I am a passionate lover of walls of text, so from the bottom of my heart: gracias!! But on to the issues, of which there are only a couple. First: he's ground zero for a political showdown between two governments. You would think he'd be the center of news media, with Instagram activists making his picture viral, hybrid rights groups using him as a symbol, and both governments struggling to maintain their public image while at the same time saying, "Not our problem." So how, exactly, could he just run away? After that much of a political mess, people would know him and some would demand that he be looked for.

Next up, Silver. She seems like a sweetheart, but I'm a little confused: why would a well-trained mercenary have a roommate and decide to adopt a random kid? They clearly have a connection, but she's still doing mercenary work, which generally calls for 'not adopting kids.' It's, like, half of a solid basis, because you have the connection that would prompt her to adopt, but not so much the circumstances that allow her to do so.

At long last, the end of the history! Which is rushed and left me MAD confused. I'm sure you understand it fine and didn't feel like typing it all out, but… where did the slut phase come from? He just got a stable life and a loving home, and so… slut phase? It's just confusing.

"No, he doesn't take criticism on the name." uhhhh, does he accept praise?

All right all RIGHT! I think that's all I have for you! The world you've built is compelling and interesting, and boy oh BOY do I love me some political machinations. Nicholas is a solid character, and I can promise you that if he was on a show, he'd be my number one. But like all characters, there are tiny little issues. In some little way, I hope my notes can help you fix those up!! :DDD

@Morosis

All right, Morosis, let's go! Top down on the lovely Nathan…

Oh! He's just fully deceased! Didn't see that one coming, I won't lie to you. But cool! Wacky. Love to see ghost representation in the media.

ANYway. Nature. You haven't given me a lot to worry about here. Everything seems to spiral smoothly from central traits of loneliness and 'good-listener-ness' (you'd think I know a word for that at this point). There's one conflict that jumps out to me right away. Now, a character can absolutely be mischievous and caring at the same time–that makes perfect sense. But what doesn't make sense is that he'll meddle in people's lives to the point where they're paranoid. That's taking it too far for a guy who seems to care about his friends. Even if he's messing with people he doesn't know, Nathan has been described as the supreme listener with the open-mindedness of a god. You'd think that kind of empathy breeds a sense of consideration for everyone, save a few particularly bad eggs. What's the line for him? At what point will he move from messing around with someone to causing that person to live in fear?

Also, what's he like when he gets caught going a little too far? Now I'm no expert, but if I caught my ghost friend spying on me, I would get angry, no matter how well-intentioned he is. Has he ever made a friend angry? How does he get their attention to apologize, reconcile, etc.? It's not really necessary that you think this one through unless it comes up in your story, but I just thought it would be interesting to consider.

For politics, you tell me a lot about influences on his views, but not what those views are. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd assume he'd be close to center, having observed so many different people. But whatever you choose, it's essential that you choose a view for Nathan, I believe. It makes sense that someone who observed so many people would have had time to organize their views. Same thing with religion, I would say, although that one is a bit less concrete. After all, what religion believes ghosts are around and can possess the living? (Actually, probably several, not going to lie).

Backstory seems solid overall. There are just a couple key points that I feel need further explanation. One, the mugging. How late were these people out? They were on a main road, likely well-lit and well-traveled, and yet they were easily attacked and robbed. I genuinely can't think of many times of night, save in the early hours of morning (and I'm talking like 3-5 here) when there would be NO ONE on a main street. It's a tiny detail, but it confuses the whole event. Two, um, how did Nathan, you know, REACT to being a ghost? For some reason, there are no details about his reaction. Was he horrified? Shocked? Did he initially find it cool, just to realize that it wasn't a temporary thing and he couldn't revive his body? I know you probably have that fully fleshed out in your head, so I won't go off on too much of a tangent. I'm just making sure you have that reaction solid, because I think it's key to his character progression past that point.

Okay!! I think that's all I have for you. I had to nit-pick hard to find anything to say about Nathan. Really quite a well-done character here! But in any case, I hope what I've said helps you in some small way. :DD

Thank you so much! I'm so glad I was able to catch you off guard with Nathan as a character! As for the critiques, I will tend to them immediately as they are all very well-founded. I completely agree with all your points. You're a great critiquer, by the way, your points are very detailed and yet you display them in a way that isn't rude or submissive. Thank you and great job!

@elly_rae93

Hey! could you take a look at my girl? Thanks!

@CinnamonRoll

Morosis - thank you!!!! I'm glad I could help and your compliments mean a lot to me!! :DD
@elly_rae93, of course I can! It might not be until tomorrow night, since I'm kind of tired today, but I'll absolutely check her out as soon as I can! :D

@CinnamonRoll

Now, @ella_grace's Victoria! Top down…

(side note: look, if I see ONE MORE amazing artist on this thread I'm going to have to detonate my own skull. you are SO talented if those are your drawings. my god)

My first issue with Victoria's nature section is I feel that I don't know her all too well. She's tagged as an MC, but the level of development here seems low, the kind I would give to a side character. Right now, her character is mostly coherent, but I would try to add a bit more nuance. How does she treat people who take advantage of her? How does she balance depression and motherhood? Did she suffer from postpartum depression? How does her relationship with her parents influence her own parenting style?

Of course, I'll still critique what you have!! But for a more in-depth character critique, I need more details. So if what I point out can be easily explained by another character detail, I'm sorry!! I'm just working with what I see.

Most of the inconsistencies in Victoria's personality spiral from her difficulty to trust others. It doesn't gel with a lot of her personality. First and foremost, her need to feel validated. From what I've seen in life and literature, there are two basic kinds of validation: superficial and personal. Superficial validation is what I call it when someone flaunts their accomplishments in public, bragging, essentially, for attention. In this way, they feel validated. But Victoria is a quiet character, and one with trust issues–how would she feel comfortable expressing details of her life in public? Also, this doesn't work with her escapism. She wants to get away from people unworthy of her trust, so superficial validation doesn't seem to work for her.

Personal validation is even worse for Victoria's character, because this is what I call validation from family, friends, or significant others. All of these relationships require significant amounts of trust and openness. Victoria is understandably scared of such attachments after a traumatic experience, so personal validation basically goes out the window.

But not entirely!! I think what you need to establish for Victoria's character is the point where she moves past her prejudice. At what point does she decide a person is trustworthy? I peeked ahead and saw that she has friends, so there must be something. Even if they're friends from before, her new paranoia would've tried to destroy those relationships. It was up to her to convince herself that there is something that makes some people redeemable. I think that's how you can reconcile these two character traits, which are otherwise in conflict.

Tiny thing (okay, not tiny, but I'm going to try and keep it short). Caring about others more than herself is in a weird quasi-makes-sense position right now. She seems like a nurturing character, and I understand how friendships can overcome disorders like depression and anxiety. But she also struggles to trust people, and she craves the ability to escape. So why is she devoting herself so much to others? I feel like it's a trait that sort of makes sense, but needs further explanation.

Okay, so if you've read any of my other critiques, you know I have this thing about politics and religion. I feel like they're ridiculously important fields, because they define a character's worldview so much. For politics, I find it helpful to rate characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative,' even if they aren't super active in politics. That can explain how open they are to change as opposed to the traditional way of life. For religion, explaining which organized religion a character belongs to and why is MAD helpful, because it tells you a ton about them (what's their image of God like? kind or cruel? Are they the kind of character who robotically does what they did as a child, because it feels more comfortable?) If they're not a member of any religion, I also like to distinguish between atheistic and agnostic, since it paints a character as more nihilistic or more hopeful. So I guess I'd encourage you to fill those fields out!

Okay, I know you said that you don't like typing out her backstory, but I feel like I can't give you a full critique without it. There's not much I can say here, I guess. But if you do decide to write a fragment of her backstory on Notebook, here's what I think is most important to examine: the traumatic event. It's the most major origin point for so many personality points. If you ever type if up, please drop by this thread again!! I'd love to give you a full critique.

All in all, though, you have a wonderful character here! She sounds gentle and caring and I really, REALLY want to give her a hug. Unless touch is a trigger, in which case I will wave extra supportively. I hope my notes on Victoria help you make her an even better character than she already is, even if just by a little bit!! :DD

@Tired-but-passionate

@CinnamonRoll yesssss thank you thank you!! In all honesty, considering how thorough you are with these critiques, all my characters are underdeveloped T-T
Thanks for pointing out the nature inconsistencies! But yes, some of them are explained by her backstory.
I’ll definitely come back when I’ve written the backstory (and maybe for my other characters)
Side note: only the purple sketch and the one where she’s nursing her son are mine, but thank you! Please don’t detonate your skull haha

@CinnamonRoll

@ella_grace I'm glad you liked it!! I'm excited (and honestly a tiny bit scared) to read her backstory if I ever get the chance! :D

@saor_illust

Oh hey, would you mind critiquing my newest gal, Eos? I don't have them on Notebook, unfortunately as I was using them for another thing, but they're on a Google Doc- hope it isn't too inconvenient for you

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria

Okay, I have one more fellow for you if you don't mind! Quick note: This time I'm mostly looking for suggestions on his "flaws" section. It's really lacking in depth atm, and I know he hasflaws, I just can't sort them out and truly explain them so that they make sense with the rest of his personality. I'd really appreciate some advice if you have any for me!!

@nat