"You are special…" she mumbled. Kana sighed shakily, starting to feel lightheaded. Her new little "hobby" had been seeing how long she could go without eating. It's only temporary, I just want to see how long I can survive without food. Everyone is different, after all. She looked up at Jair. "If you don't mind me asking, did you get to see your mother?"
He nodded. "I did." He replied softly, raking a hand through his hair with a soft sigh. Questions crowded onto his tongue, but he didn't speak them. Are you really okay? Would you still want me as your guard again if you knew how I wake up screaming at night? Do you still care, or are you just pretending?
"That's really good. I'm glad you finally got to see her." Kana had been making her way to the other guard's room. Jair's room was left untouched, as per Kana's demand. She knocked on the door and told him, "You're fired. Pack up and leave." and quickly escaped the area to go to Jair's old room. She wanted to secure Jair first, before she told him about Aydan. It was toxic and cruel of her, but she didn't care. "It's a bit dusty…" she warned him as she opened the door to his room. "Did you miss this place, or what?" She laughed.
(Jair's not okay, if you can't tell XD)
If I woke you up in the night with my screaming, would you understand? Would you help or would you turn away? He swallowed, pushing his thoughts away. He gave her a small smile. "Yeah. I missed the bed the most." He said with a soft chuckle. If I took off the mask and you saw how broken I am, what would you do?
(Oh yes, I can tell. He's got it bad)
She took a deep breath, trying to make herself less dizzy. Breathing will help. That's all I ever need to do. Just breathe. "Yes, I can only imagine!" She chuckled weakly and discretely leaned against the wall for support. "Would you like to get settled back in first, or…?" Kana was stalling. She knew she was too. I wish I had just waited a bit longer for Jair to come back.
(lol I might be overdoing it a bit but…eh XD)
He sat down, pulling off his jacket and setting it on the bed. "I don't really need to settle in. I'm okay." He replied, watching her. Are you okay? He thought. He wanted to ask, but… he had already asked, and he didn't want to nag.
(Oh no. No you're definitely not overdoing it.)
Kana's hands started shaking. 6 days without food. "Well. That makes sense." The room feels like it's spinning. "Hey, Jair?" I can go another day. I just need to breathe.
(okay good. I don't want to over do it, but at the same time I don't want to underdo it, bc…PTSD is an actual thing, and it would be disrespectful of me to down play it's effects on ppl if that makes sense sorry I'm rambling bc tired)
He noticed the hands shaking, and stood. "What's wrong?" He asked, crossing the room and putting a hand on her shoulder. "You lost weight." He said softly. "And not… in a good way."
(I would say escalate it just a tad more and you've got it. It can be ignored at times but uh,,,, if something, anything reminds them of their event then big yikes. I think you knew that last part though since you demonstrated it in the rp lol it makes perfect sense also if you wanna sleep, don't let me keep you up!)
She inhaled a sharp breath and avoided the question. "That's, um…. Did you see the new carpet in the hallway? It's blue now…" She kept leaning against the wall. It was the only reason why she was still able to stand.
(okay, got it. Thanks. I've been doing a lot of research off and on about it because one of my characters in a book has it but…it's hard to find actual resources?? Like everything I see about it is just BAM. NIGHTMARES…….that's it and I know that's definitely part of it but there's so much more to it than I see in normal fiction.
I'm not that tired. And my tablet isn't dead yet so I'm good XD)
"Kana. I-I don't give a shit about the carpet." He said, looking at her. "Please answer my question." Please. You're scaring me. Please. I need to know if you're okay. He studied her carefully, his left hand shaking and twitching by his side.
(As a student who's studying to be a psychologist andmaybesomeonewhohaslivedthroughsomecrap you can always ask me for help if you want. Also the website Psychology Today is pretty lit. I use it too often. And you're absolutely right. It's more than just nightmares.)
She noticed his left hand twitching. "You're twitching." She commented, trying to turn this around on him. "Is everything ok?"
(alright. Thank you! Also what usually goes along with it/is caused by it? I know it's typically depression and/or anxiety, but are those simply part of PTSD, or is it more like…an effect that doesn't necessarily happen to everyone? I mean, I know a lot depends on the person and what happened, but just in general? ima take you up on your offer right now XD)
"Nerve damage." Jair replied softly, tucking his hand in his pocket. "I'm fine. Now answer the god damn question, Kana. Please." What's wrong? What's happening? Is someone hurting you? Threatening you? What's wrong?
She bit her lip. He's never acted like this before. Maybe I should tell him. "I just… skipped a few meals." Kana was technically telling the truth, but it was still a blatant lie.
Jair sighed softly. "Why?" He asked softly. "Is there a reason?" Okay. Calm down. Calm down. Everything's fine. She lost weight, but she's alive and unharmed. She's okay. You're okay. His hands were still shaking.
She shrugged, still not wanting to tell the truth. If I told him it was because of his death, he would probably feel bad. "I'm just… sad." She was technically telling the truth. "And I didn't really see a point to eat…" she trailed off and started to bite her fingernails.
"Except for your fingernails, obviously." He said dryly, trying to attempt at humor, though it fell on it's face. "Why are you sad?" Is it my fault? Did I do something? Is it because I didn't write? Should I have written?
She sighed softly. "Don't worry about it, Jair." Kana mustered all of her strength and tried to walk away from the wall. Immediately regretting the first step, she pressed her back into the wall again. Bad idea. She took another deep breath. I need to tell him. "It's just that the people have been bothering me about finding a King recently."
He nodded. "Okay…" He trailed off, looking at her worriedly still. She was behaving so strangely. What was happening?
"It was hard choosing… Especially because I wasn't sure if you were alive or not." She looked down, ashamed. Gods, this is the worst.
"What do you mean? What happened?" He asked quickly, taking a step back and shifting from foot to foot. I shouldn't have come back. I can't do this. I can't…
(This is gonNA HURT)
Her eyes started to sting. "Jair, I had no idea you were alive." She was already starting to plead with him. "I had to pick somebody. And I'm…engaged." A tear fell and she quickly wiped it away.
(I knOW)
Jair sat down on the bed, looking at her. Everything else is ruined…why not her, too? The last good thing I had left, and she can't even be mine and I can't be hers. "Who?" He finally asked softly, looking down at the bed.
"Aydan." She whispered, more of her tears falling. She didn't bother to wipe them. I'm so sorry, Jair. Kana felt awful.
Jair nodded. "He's a good man." He said quietly, not looking up. I should have written. I should never have left. I… He bit his lip.
"It's what the people wanted…" she trailed off, not wanting the situation to get any worse. She looked at Jair, trying to analyze his emotions.