forum Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

Started June 28, 2020 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

I'll probably go to the doctor for this.

Sounds like you probably should.

I hate that I can never get to sleep on time.
It just…doesn't happen. The best of intentions crumble under 'oh, I'll just do one more thing'
And now I can't function because going to bed at 11:30 and getting up at 6:30 is not working, but I refuse to sleep in.
I don't know how I can make myself take this seriously. I'm sitting here with a headache, a mountain of work, and a half an hour before I'm leaving for work and won't be home until 8:30, at which point it's eat, walk dog, shower, go to bed.
I hate it. It's frustrating, and starting to hit me in the self-love, because I'm doing this to myself, I literally have no one else to blame.

Hip dysplasia?

I suppose that's possible. I've had weird bone pain like this in the past where my back got really bad, I got a body wide ache that kept me in bed for three days, and since then my back hasn't hurt. Until know. Maybe that's what's happening again? Who knows. I'll probably go to the doctor for this.

Maybe try laying flat on your back with a rolled up towel under your neck and lower back. Lay there for like 10-15 minutes. That realigns your back and helps me with back pain. It’s what my chiropractor told me to do. Anytime I have a random pain anywhere from my shoulders to my hips I do that and it usually helps

Thanks Moxie, I'll probably try that.

*gasps* really?! i'd love to get all existential!

lmfao sure, if you're into deep conversations at one in the morning

So. This is kinda a happy sad rant.
My bestfriend who I was crushing hardcore on. Has a girlfriend.
I'm happy for her, Truly I am, but I finially got the courage to try and ask her to be mine.
I'M NOT CRYING YOU ARE!!

Thanks Moxie, I'll probably try that.

Np, hope it helps!

oh for feck's sake-
my tablet pen might be broken once again and I don't have the 60 dollars to replace it
I'm honestly pissed, wacom is considered to be the largest, greatest, most high-end drawing tablet company and yet they can't make their pens last more than a year under regular usage???

…I was just looking forward to creating something with this new krita update but welp, guess not
might draw a few chibis or something with my old tablet so i don't explode

oof
i'm tryna print some stuff for a certain letter for a certain someone here on nb and i-
istg if it didn't use up all my color ink ill be surprised lkjsd

:o
i'm honestly so excitedddd!!

so, i have no idea where this is coming from, but i just want to say sorry to everyone- if i've ever done anything that offended you or did something that hurt you- or just snapped and said something not so great, i'm sorry. i don't mean it, but sometimes when im in the moment i feel like i really do, just know that it isn't really how i feel.

i don't vent often for my "sadness" because it's useless. no one is really gonna care anyways. they'll just give a half hearted "oh man, sorry, i hope you feel better" and they're right for doing that because i dont deserve an hour long essay dedicated to me unlike some of you guys, but my whole being just sank dirt low. and i may or may not be losing my mind. i felt it going down a few hours ago and desperately tried to keep the fake happiness going by putting some hype music on- and it worked. but right now there's nothing i can do and im so painfully aware of the fact of how i've actually amounted to nothing my whole life up until now and i feel like i should have and it's crushing the hell out of me. i try to say that i'll be fine and that one day im going to do great things because it's really my dream, but just because i have great ambitions doesn't mean that im suddenly going to be okay.
i feel like i've already (mostly) beat everything that was in my way and made my mental health trash- but now im left with a permanent state of melancholy and it's kicking my ass right now. it's strong enough to persuade me to do something crazy. i dont even know how to put my words in a way that wont make you guys say "im sorry you feel that way" or say "i feel you" because that's not what i want- i dont know what i want!
i call bullshit on my life and how it's gonna get better, because even though i should look forward to the future since i have nothing holding me back anymore, it's not like that. i can feel myself crumbling under the nonexistent pressure- the obligations i put on myself, because if i dont, who will? it's always been "atlas why are you so full of shit?", "atlas, that's no excuse", "atlas, i hope you die", "atlas, how does it feel to be on the ground you self righteous piece of shit?", "atlas grow up, start pulling your weight", "you shouldn't be here", "stop lying, no one did anything to you", "you're not my daughter", "it's your fault you have depression, you did that to yourself- serves you right", "it's because of you that i'm in this mess", "this is why you won't ever be anything, this is why you should just give up while your behind", "this is why, this is why, this is why!" and now that's gone and it's perfect- but that's the problem! i dont know who i fucking am- if im not constantly in pain then what the fuck is the point? i dont know how to breathe because everyone constantly knocked the air out of me, i hardly know how to handle myself! the air i was meant to breathe all along tastes toxic to me now and it chokes me- i only knew how to barely survive. i want someone to hit me hard, beat up so bad that im unconscious like back when i was a kid. maybe then i'd have an excuse to feel like im nothing
i want to die so bad that i want to scream "fuck it!" and do it all over again
maybe i just want someone who's that important to me to be here for me but i have no one, because im stupid and no one wants to be with a fucking person who's going to abandon them in the future, im a goddamn coward and let the people who mean the most to me go. i dont want them to go through this with me, but i do at the same time
im so torn on wanting to keep myself away from everyone and wanting to have people who mean something to me

someone just fucking get me out of my mind! it's literally killing me at this point! i preach about how you should live to see a greater tomorrow and not being sad and "yay! you can do it!" but's all fuCKING BULLSHIT BECAUSE IM SUCH A GODDAMN HYPOCRITE
how can anyone fucking like someone like that?
and i know how awful i sound, but i've run out of excuses and i can't keep calling myself someone anymore, because im the farthest thing. im barely a person at this point and im just waiting for one of my stupidities to take me out

you know what? just ignore me. im fucking on something, i'll be better later. this isn't worth the time. im gonna send this because im gonna implode if i dont. i've written this so many times for the past few weeks but haven't had the nerve to send it because it shows a pathetic side of me that i dont want anyone to see. i know i should suffer silently like i always do instead of bothering people who already have enough on their plate, but right now, im truely alone. i can officially say i've hit rock bottom, even though i've had worse moments in the past. im hanging by a thread and my life depends on that thread not snapping again.

DON'T SUFFER SILENTLY. You should never have to go through anything alone. We're all here for you, no matter what.

just ignore me.

don't know what I'm supposed to say but I'm not ignoring you

Atlas. You're younger than me, right? No wonder you haven't Amounted to Something. Has Eris? I think not. We're all just trying to find our way through life. Most people don't do some great thing. If that was the case then there would be nothing great. But I think back to the people that were a pinprick of light in my life, don't know a lot of them, don't remember what they looked like, but really that's what matters. If you can manage to use your life to bring pinpricks of light to this dark world, you have done what you need to do.

No, but at least Eris has something. She's got a boyfriend and a good job- a good place to live, loving parents- i think that's why i hated her so much in the past because she had everything i'd ever wanted and even if her life was shit she would make it seem like it wasn't and go on like it was nothing. something i couldn't do.
because as much as i hate to admit it, she was fucking cool and i looked up to her a lot and now icant fukcing type righte because evertyhing is soblurry and i want eveything to stop

but thanks, i knoe it's less than ideal to console a completre stranger on the internet when they're acting like they're got it worse tha everyone else when they dont-

My dude, Eris is seven years older than you

and thank you @Vinegar-Cucumber that made me laugh even though im a mess right now
and also thanks @jupiter-sun i just feel like the smallest one on this site, and i dont mean by age- i mean by how likeable

Trust me, you're definitely not the most unlikable person on here-
I don't know you too well but you seem pretty cool.

My dude, Eris is seven years older than you

i know, but everyone keeps telling me i should have already done something. i just got out of school, graduated (yay), but i should be working and have everything figured out and i know it sounds dumb but i should be doing something

Guess who just went white water rafting for like five hours and didnt use sunscreen

Bruh I still don't have a good job or have actually graduated. It's okay to not have it put together yet.

My dude, Eris is seven years older than you

i know, but everyone keeps telling me i should have already done something. i just got out of school, graduated (yay), but i should be working and have everything figured out and i know it sounds dumb but i should be doing something

Repeat after me, Fuck. Them. You just graduated, you don't have to have your whole life figured out yet and anyone who tells you otherwise is probably jealous that they're a Karen and no longer 18

Dude Mumu, you amount to something. You may not amount to anything that you feel, but in my heart and in my head, I think you amount to everything.

You survived through so many difficult situations. Whether or not you wanted to, you survived and pushed through and worked your physical being to its core. I personally don’t know how you feel. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to get to this moment. But you did. And I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around that. How insanely proud I am of you to keep pushing yourself beyond a mental health hospital. You’ve seen things because of that, and whether or not you like it, you changed. But for the better. You’re gonna keep changing if you feel it or not, you’ll keep growing and going through your life and getting those things you want. It’s not over yet. Your scream will not go unheard.

Atlas, you said that I always have something impressive to say, but I'm saddened to say I can't live up to that compliment right now. All I can offer is that I hear you and I see you. I applaud your honesty. I'm astonished that you are so introspective, so self-aware. I haven't known you long, but from what I've picked up you're insanely resilient. You're bold. You are someone. You're someone I'm proud to know, you're someone I admire for those things. However you choose to go into this next chapter of your life, you certainly go in as someone. You're doing great, man <3

Atlas my INTP brain and just my general awkwardness means that I am Bad^TM with emotions. My brain goes "wut r feelingz lol bye" and I don't know what to say even though I wish I did. Lots of people are way way way way way better at being…any sort of helpful but like…I guess I just wanna let you know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to?? Emi and all of them are so much better with words than I am, and I'm a better listener than anything, and yeahhh I don't know you that well yet, but I want the chance to get to know you, if that makes sense?? Like I said, my brain goes "lol bye" every time I want to try and help with any sort of emotions, so I'm really sorry, I'm not actually helpful I'm just sitting here blabbering on and on so

Yeah. Just ignore me and my rambles. Tl;Dr I'm bad at emotions but I do care about you and I'm here if you need me

No, but at least Eris has something. She's got a boyfriend and a good job- a good place to live, loving parents- i think that's why i
but thanks, i knoe it's less than ideal to console a completre stranger on the internet when they're acting like they're got it worse tha everyone else when they dont-

You have something too. And don't define yourself with an SO or anything. (Though house is important so there's that Ig.)
You by yourself is enough.
And don't compare yourself to others. We all have hard battles to fight.