i want to delete all my accounts
i want to cut off contact with everyone except those i know i can trust
i want to hide myself in a bubble
bury myself alive
i don’t want to see the sun again
i don’t want to wake up
i want my illness to be fatal already
i want to have never been born
i need someone to yell at me, hit me, until i can barely breathe
maybe then i could do something about this instead of just chickening out
Ella, don't. You're worth it. Your brain just makes the bad chemicals that make you think bad, untrue things.
If you think that deleting your account will make you feel better then i would say to do it, because it's something that will help you, even if it's in the moment.
If you wish to cut everyone out, i feel like that's okay too, because at least now, you have control over who you're close to instead of putting up an act for everyone. Ella dear, you need a break. You desperately need a break from your social platforms. Im sure that it's only a fraction of what's making you feel like that but it would help to just talk to those who care about you the most.
I need you to breathe though. You've been listening to music and that's great. That's a coping mechanism and you're doing great. But it's late and when you feel like this, when it starts to get worse you need to shut it down. Whether that be by distracting yourself or going to sleep.
Sleep is always a good one- not healthy if you constantly use it, but still better than nothing.
I know that right now i may not be the most affectionate because of the things that have been going down for me, but i really. I mean, really, fucking love you. I dont say it often and not to eveyone, but you're one of my favorites and it pains the fuck out of me to see you like this because I've known you for over two years now and I've really come to appreciate your presence. You're one of the few people who i deeply care about and if anything were to happen to you i think i would just finish breaking down. You mean so much, you couldn't fathom how much- how i constantly think about you and wonder if you're okay. I know i cant always be here, but i do try my best
I'd suggest logging off but not deleting your account, otherwise you have to start all over.
Deleting your account on a whim is an awful idea.
You could do what I did and pick a day out of the week to take a break from online interaction. It truly does help. Also, what Atlas said.
I literally cannot stress how terrible if an idea it would be to delete your account to feel good for a few seconds. Because right afterwards, you'll regret it. You have worldbuilding stuff on here that you'd have to redo, plus you're in fifty billion pms which guess what :) you don't get those back even if you sign up again with the same email. You have so much stuff on all of your accounts that you would lose and you'd only hate yourself more. Ffs tell someone your meds are working properly because clearly they aren't and to be frank, they haven't been.
i’m back, feeling a bit better now after seeing my emotions in text-
i won’t delete any accounts, too many things i’d miss
i’m going to try going to sleep, that usually helps me when i have moments like this…
if i don’t log on tomorrow i’m probably taking a break, but i doubt i’ll still feel this way then
even though i do desperately need a break i’ve kind of gotten an addiction to this place and i don’t think it’ll be that easy-
anyways, goodnight
i love you so much…
i think about you guys all the time, almost constantly-
all the conversations we’ve had, the jokes we make, how great it would be to hug you, you even show up in my dreams at night.
sometimes it’s like my whole life runs around this stupid website and honestly, as much as the drama may overwhelm me sometimes, i wouldn’t want much different
you guys are some of the greatest people i’ve ever known and i don’t regret meeting you-
ella dear
i love you so much,
i don't want you hurting like this,
but i can tell you right now that even though you really really don't want to exist anymore in this particular moment,
there are other times when you don't feel like that,
so i would like to start this off by gently reminding you to not seek a permanent solution for something that's only temporary
secondly,
like jyn and atlas said,
your brain is making you feel this way. it is sending all those nasty thoughts and trying its best to make them believeable. but they are absolutely not true. and honestly i don't care what state of mind or mood you could be in now, after forty minutes, but you should go to sleep, hun
it's getting late where you are
even if you think that sleep will solve nothing at all, trust me i've been like that too. but it does help, even a little bit. your body and mind is rested and you will most likely be able to think clearly in the morning.
third, as sy and atlas mentioned, i think a break from social media would help.
just a little time to destress and take some time for yourself and for you only
and don't worry, we'll be here for you when you come back
just take all the time you need
after all, your mental health should be the first and most important thing in your life
last but not least, i think
i would like you to know that i'm always going to be there for you, no matter what happens
you're a very sweet and lovely person and as i've already stated, ilysm
you're a great fren,
and an even more amazing person
you will be okay.
you will get through this, you hear me?
you will get through this,
because i will be at your side helping you through all the times when you need someone
ily ella <3
Ffs tell someone your meds are working properly because clearly they aren't and to be frank, they haven't been.
except it’s really not the meds
I’m not feeling any worse now than before taking them, in fact I’m feeling a lot better, I just have these crashes sometimes
I had my one month appointment recently where we went over the side effects and how I’m reacting to the medicine, I told the doctor everything (about the depression, at least) and she said it’s pretty normal, usually it doesn’t fully kick into gear and make huge differences until about 6 weeks in, however she did up my dose by half a pill
I’ll be fine, mom’s planning to get me to a therapist soon so that’ll help too
no need to worry <3
shoot i’m actually crying
…i love you beans so much-
thank you for not giving up on me
i know i can be a pain to deal with sometimes but i really cannot stress how much it means to me, just having you as my friends
I literally cannot stress how terrible if an idea it would be to delete your account to feel good for a few seconds. Because right afterwards, you'll regret it. You have worldbuilding stuff on here that you'd have to redo, plus you're in fifty billion pms which guess what :) you don't get those back even if you sign up again with the same email. You have so much stuff on all of your accounts that you would lose and you'd only hate yourself more. Ffs tell someone your meds are working properly because clearly they aren't and to be frank, they haven't been.
Yeah, i guess you're right. I wasn't thinking about what i said when i did, but that's why i suggested to just take a break right after. I've had so many times where i felt like i needed to delete my account, but couldn't because of my saved stuff.
Idk, im not really thinking clearly right now because i too feel like a piece of shit but i hate admitting it.
I guess we all feel a little worthless sometimes.
shoot i’m actually crying…i love you beans so much-
thank you for not giving up on me
i know i can be a pain to deal with sometimes but i really cannot stress how much it means to me, just having you as my friends
oh hun
you're not even a pain to deal with
but ofc fren, anytime!!
ilysm too!!!! <33333
shoot i’m actually crying…i love you beans so much-
thank you for not giving up on me
i know i can be a pain to deal with sometimes but i really cannot stress how much it means to me, just having you as my friends
Dude, we really do love you and like you and you'll never mess up to the point where we'd hate you, i can guarantee that- or at least, that's the way i feel about it <3
shoot i’m actually crying…i love you beans so much-
thank you for not giving up on me
i know i can be a pain to deal with sometimes but i really cannot stress how much it means to me, just having you as my friendsDude, we really do love you and like you and you'll never mess up to the point where we'd hate you, i can guarantee that- or at least, that's the way i feel about it <3
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
@amber_is_a_starchild Remember about the air pressure. It sometimes hurts. Gum is important for me. It can feel… weird. Mostly in a bad way.
Also the TSA are the worst and take me to the place of hatred and cussing faster than anything in the universe.
Also Nutella. I would advise not being here late. You seem to do badly the later it gets. So do something other, preferably sleep, if you can, but reading is good, and soft music might help.
I have less than an hour left with my photoshop subscription, and what did I do all night? Binge watch the end of Supernatural Season 5 and the beginning of Season 6
Ok I have a vent, it concerns the old Madame Covid de Nineteen, so if you don't want to read about my thoughts and feelings don't.
First and foremost, One of the lifeguards at the pool came into work after taking a sick day off, and she came back to work still feeling sick with several corona symptoms, a few day's after being exposed to an active case of Madame Corona. That is my sister coworker with whom she has been working all week, so the pool is closed until Wednesday, on Monday or Tuesday we should know weather or not the guard had the Virus. Turns out we were double exposed this week as my sister and Her family came to visit this week, turns out my sister had gone to a store the same week that ten of the employees tested positive. So now My Other Niece, came down with a fever three day's ago and is covered in hives, and we watch her while her mom is at work. In short, people are dumb.
My sister didn't know about the workers until after they visited so I'll let her off the hook. But I just want to strangle my sisters Coworker right now, how inconsiderate and stupid can one individual be. Anyway to continue with the story, My niece had a video call with a doctor and they said it could be it might not be, but they aren't going to test her. And the family is hard core quarantining until the life guard results come in, though we'll probably be staying in until the 17 anyway aka. I'm missing a Girls Camp thing. But If I'm being honest I'm more worried about my dad than the Girls camp thing, because he is a high risk individual with a week immune system, asthma, and is in his late 50's he'll be 59 in a weak. So when they say High risk individuals they're talking about people like my dad, two of my sisters have asthma as well so they both have a higher risk than normal individuals.
I just, when people talk about how quarantine is stupid and that the virus is not a big deal I just want to slap them. I'm a normal person, I'm perfectly fine if I were to get it, I can see why people wouldn't think it's a big deal, it would just be a not good time, but we're not quarantining for them we're not shutting things down because of them. we're being cautious because of people like my dad, we're shutting down because there are millions of people across the world who could die from this. we're not shutting down for people like me. It's not about us, it's about them.
And it kills me to say that because I know there are families and people suffering because they're out of a job and they're out of a home, but I'm selfish, and I want my dad to be safe. If people are going to protest and ask for an end to this quarantine, at least do it for the right reasons, do it because you need to work so you can provide for yourself and your family. Don't do it because you're bored, don't do it because you want to go hang out with your friends, because you'll survive without those things, And if my dad had been forced to be in a classroom teaching a bunch of middle schoolers, he wouldn't have been safe. So yes I understand the people that want to go do things and want their lives to be normal and want to go to parks and restaurants and other things, but I also understand that there are people with family members that would not be safe. In short, people need to get a backbone, because the people who are out here complaining usually aren't the ones who have a right to be.
And I'm not saying, to never go anywhere, I'm saying, be smart, use your head and be considerate, we can't just decide we're done social distancing, we can't just decide to open things back up, because that's how people end up dead.
That is the end of my vent.
I lowkey feel called out in that because 1. I’m a high risk individual, 2. I complain about quarantine because of the lack of social interaction, and 3. I have still been meeting up with people because at the time that I physically couldn’t, I was having more and more breakdowns and my suicidal thoughts has resurfaced. I understand where you’re coming from, I honestly do, but from my perspective I would rather see people, risk getting Covid and dying than have to deal with my own mind. It’s one pain or another, but at least I won’t be alone with the former option.
Also Nutella. I would advise not being here late. You seem to do badly the later it gets. So do something other, preferably sleep, if you can, but reading is good, and soft music might help.
i’ll try that
it’s just really difficult to stay away from notebook sometimes…
Also Nutella. I would advise not being here late. You seem to do badly the later it gets. So do something other, preferably sleep, if you can, but reading is good, and soft music might help.
The whole "getting worse as it gets later" thing was a big side effect of the pills I tried, it might be that
We're going to Wisconsin today but im highkey scared because of corona.
We're going to Wisconsin today but im highkey scared because of corona.
Stay out of Dane County, Milwaukee, and Green Bay and you should be fine
We're going to Wisconsin today but im highkey scared because of corona.
Stay out of Dane County, Milwaukee, and Green Bay and you should be fine
Thanks I don't think we're going there.