Well, I had a therapist, but the place dropped our insurance, and the other place even closer by is known to be a money mill
And my dad had admitted the only reason he'll let me get medication is because he self medicated with illegal drugs for years
RANT TIME
I'm super behind on my schoolwork - like, weeks behind. And the grading period ends Friday and I have no idea how to make it all up. I just can't focus - I literally can't. I saw a Tumblr post once that said something like "it's like being possessed but with myself" and that it exactly what it's like. I just can't stay on one thing for more than a few minutes, if that. I can't even focus on things I want to do. I'm mad at myself to the point of minor self-harm, but I can't stop. I just don't know what to do. On the inside I'm panicking but on the outside I'm just watching Life in the Dreamhouse edits. I just can't focus and now my dad is mad at me and I just want to scream or cry, maybe both. I've had two emotional breakdowns in the past four hours. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I can't focus.
RANT TIME
I'm super behind on my schoolwork - like, weeks behind. And the grading period ends Friday and I have no idea how to make it all up. I just can't focus - I literally can't. I saw a Tumblr post once that said something like "it's like being possessed but with myself" and that it exactly what it's like. I just can't stay on one thing for more than a few minutes, if that. I can't even focus on things I want to do. I'm mad at myself to the point of minor self-harm, but I can't stop. I just don't know what to do. On the inside I'm panicking but on the outside I'm just watching Life in the Dreamhouse edits. I just can't focus and now my dad is mad at me and I just want to scream or cry, maybe both. I've had two emotional breakdowns in the past four hours. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I can't focus.
This might sound a little dumb but have you tried listening to Super Mario Kart music while doing your work? I've had the exact same issue and it really did seem to help me turn in piles of homework I didn't do all of November.
Okay but Swim I feel you, I hallucinate at night but it's my sleep issues and depression that cause it and no matter how much i try to tell my family that I'm suffering they just think it's me being a Moody Teenager™️
RANT TIME
I'm super behind on my schoolwork - like, weeks behind. And the grading period ends Friday and I have no idea how to make it all up. I just can't focus - I literally can't. I saw a Tumblr post once that said something like "it's like being possessed but with myself" and that it exactly what it's like. I just can't stay on one thing for more than a few minutes, if that. I can't even focus on things I want to do. I'm mad at myself to the point of minor self-harm, but I can't stop. I just don't know what to do. On the inside I'm panicking but on the outside I'm just watching Life in the Dreamhouse edits. I just can't focus and now my dad is mad at me and I just want to scream or cry, maybe both. I've had two emotional breakdowns in the past four hours. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I can't focus.
Gosh i relate to that so much. I had to miss 2 weeks of school and now I have so much work to do and no matter how much I try to focus I still can't concentrate. And because of how much school I missed, I have to learn a bunch of new stuff and I have so many tests and so little time to get things done
Max take me with you I'll help you fight Swim's mom
Seriously bro that's so fucked. I wish there was something I could do other than just say "damn dude that sucks" but there isn't ;-;
Also Jupiter, there's a few things that really help me focus on stuff when my brain's being like that. The "No Thoughts Head Empty Nintendo Music" type of videos really help me personally, ironically. Also make sure you're remembering to drink water, forgetting to do that won't do you any favors
Yeah you know what, fuck it-
here it is
yes it mentions a certain user that i don't know if she still follows this thread or not
please don't mention that section
i dont want to talk about it for god's sake
anyways
tw: suicide i think i'm not sure if i mentioned it in here, pedophelia, death? general caution i'm not even sure
aND YES
it is a google doc
ok that is all
i just needed to share my feelings
… just another thing i wrote, cause i realised i only have a week left…
or rather
he only has a week left
Don’t you love when you don’t want to go to your three hour band rehearsal because you have a mountain of work that’s due either tonight or tomorrow and you’re trying to explain this to your mother and she just goes “that’s not my fault”
Like I never said it was
I just need help, because I can’t do this all and go to my band rehearsals
Literally the only thing I want is help, and no one’s helping
Well I literally just had my biggest breakdown ever in front of my mother and I screamed and cried and she just…didn’t care.
Or at least not enough to let me skip or even be late to band.
Out of the hundreds of rehearsals I’ve gone to, she won’t even let me skip one.
And she just said that I’d be able to do it all and it’d be fine
So that’s that I guess….can’t wait to inevitably break down again while at the rehearsal
Happy vent! True friendship is staying up until midnight and talking about your guilty pleasures together with absolutely no judgement outside of joking "haha you like ponies" or "lmao why is your fanfic so elaborate it's about zelda and minecraft" and you both know that it's all in good fun. Like I went on a tangent for a good hour and a half and then it was her turn to talk about weirdly disturbing things in a children's show about friendship and both of us had a great time and?? I'm just so happy we're friends sklvdnvsa
So today a girl tried to start a conversation with me and I'm not used to people speaking to me, so I panicked and burst into tears and couldn't stop.
Today on what the hell annoying homophobic classmates have said and my snarky responses:
Kid: Ha, that's kinda gay
Me: And that's kind of a dickhead thing to say
Kid: Why are you gay?
Me: Actually I'm pan but thanks for asking
Kid: Like a frying pan?
Me: I'm gonna hit you with frying pan if you don't shut up.
Kid: stares me down
Me: signature "Ice Queen" glare
Kid: turns around and stops talking
And part 2: electric boogaloo
Girl: And she keeps going from lesbian to straight to lesbian to straight like make up your damn mind!
Me: That's called being bi
Girl: Okay smartass
Me: Sorry for being educated and respectful, two things you could learn
Girl: I'M EDUCATED
Me: Your grades say otherwise
Me: leaves cuz the bell rang
ohmygodididit ohmygodididit aaa
will she reply will she even reply
i just want to make sure he's okay please please
god knows i cant contact the counselors myself so she's my only hope rn aaaa
i'm lowkey not okay bc i'm still kinda freaking out everytime i think about it oh god oh god
what if she ignores it
what if i didnt make the point clear enough
what if she just ignores a complete stranger two or three years younger than her
also ig all this is taking a toll on me
apparently i dont look very happy today
blegh
might be because i broke down about an hour or so ago
December 17th, 18:32 CST.
it's set in stone, isn't it?
i guess the worry about my friend made me forget all my thoughts
what if what i did wasnt enough?
was i too late?
am i too late to save him?
hcbchbwek i'm so nervous rn - my ma is gonna be getting surgery done on her foot later today and i'm v scared -
mostly because yesterday she made a joke and said " as long as i don't flat-line on that table tomorrow , i'll be fine " and i got v worried and replied " i sure hope u don't , i don't need to be an orphan again "
but hopefully i regain enough adrenaline and energy to get through today !! that's usually what happens anyway , so ye
Today on what the hell annoying homophobic classmates have said and my snarky responses:
Kid: Ha, that's kinda gay
Me: And that's kind of a dickhead thing to say
Kid: Why are you gay?
Me: Actually I'm pan but thanks for asking
Kid: Like a frying pan?
Me: I'm gonna hit you with frying pan if you don't shut up.
Kid: stares me down
Me: signature "Ice Queen" glare
Kid: turns around and stops talkingAnd part 2: electric boogaloo
Girl: And she keeps going from lesbian to straight to lesbian to straight like make up your damn mind!
Me: That's called being bi
Girl: Okay smartass
Me: Sorry for being educated and respectful, two things you could learn
Girl: I'M EDUCATED
Me: Your grades say otherwise
Me: leaves cuz the bell rang
Fuckin' epic. Great job.
I just had a kid in my photo class ask how do you remove a water mark? You know, a watermark. The thing you add to your photos so nobody steals them. THAT watermark. Also, these aren't just freshmen asking. The is my digital photo 3 class. AKA, we are almost the most experienced photo kids on the campus.
Bruhhhh
Aha, so… A lot of shit going on in my life right now
Parents are horrible, as usual, but most of it is almost or completely repressed and all I have is the general vibes of Not Good, and I don't want to go digging through memories right now. I'm in one of those moments were you feel like you're about to cry but can't, and I know if I want looking I would and I don't want to deal with them reacting to that.
My brother also found out he has a micro fracture in his for, and if he hadn't been taken to the doctor and kept wrestling it would have been a full blown break.
I'm also struggling through school and parents have made it very clear they won't be happy with anything less than A-Bs (pretty much impossible at this point) even though they know I've been struggling with mental health and haven't been able to function properly.
Shit. I shouldn't have thought about that. I'm almost crying now, you happy wh*re? You're making yourself cry, great job. You attention seeking b-tch.
Oh, and found out something with my boyfriend that I still feel like it's all my fault, and I feel absolutely horrible because I haven't been able to talk with him much at all recently, and I'm terrified that I'm hurting him because of it.
I think im sick again and my heads been hurting so bad all day. I also had an English test today and I hadn't read the book so I started it last night and finished this morning. Luckily I got a good grade but I think all that reading just added to my headache. I still have so much hw to finish.
Hhhhhhh just had a Talk with my mom about my current emotional state and the fact that my math is giving me panic attacks because I don't know how to do it and??? It didn't go awfully??? I don't quite think she understood what I meant by "I either feel like I'm completely hollow and don't feel anything, feel a tiny little bit of happiness/sadness, or feel overwhelmingly sad, happy, or scared. There's no 'happy medium' and that's a problem" but she didn't completely invalidate me! And I was afraid I was going to get smacked or yelled at about my math because I have a bunch of missing assignments, but we had a pretty alright conversation actually all things considered. Still cried a lot because I was Scared to talk about those types of things, probably because I've gotten backlash for it in the past, but I think talking about it was a good call in the end.
also I forgot to tell y'all but my friend and I got cold feet when we were going to call CPS because we didn't know what might happen
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Hey, like I know I can't help you with your situation completely, and I'm glad the conversation went alright. Also glad you feel comfortable opening up here, because we are here to listen and help where we can.
So anyway, I'm going to extend this offer to you and anyone else who might need help, since I know it's something within my abilities. I'm pretty good at math, so if you have any questions about anything, or trouble understanding certain concepts, I may be able to help. You can always shoot me a PM or tag me in a public thread.
im so lonely holy shit
both of my best friends are quarantined and im stuck at school sitting alone with nothing but my depression and paranoia
it just hit me that nobody else knows me like my best friends do.
they know when im going through another 'episode'
they know how to treat me
they just get me
and next week is going to be the longest and most mentally tiring of my life
i have six finals in two days.
my grade and future depend on them.
the christmas time is getting to me, making me irritable and ready to snap
my friends wont be there to calm me down or to joke around with me
ill have nothing to distract me from the dread constantly lurking in my head
i am nearing my breaking point
i just want to sleep…
