update: she’s aware. don’t think she took it well but not terribly, I should be safe
however she is planning to tell my mom next month with the intentions of “letting me join a catholic group of other people with the same struggles” so that’s absolutely terrifying :)))
what the hell happened to patient confidentiality
well, to be fair, she did give me the full option to say no, I just… didn’t.
after every session we briefly discuss what we will and won’t tell my mom about once she’s let into the room, and it really does help cause then I’m not alone when I inform her and the adults can decide what to do about it.
well it was that way this time, only she was slightly more insistent that mom should be informed for the sole reason of getting me help so I don’t have to be alone, and as she was telling me it honestly seemed really appealing, despite the sus-ness of it all
that makes a lot more sense. i'd just watch out tbh, and if leading up you feel like it could go bad, tell her you might've just been confused and don't want to worry your parents over what's considered a 'natural phase of exploration'
No mom, I can't take the Vicodin I've been prescribed. I know it's just if the pain gets really really bad. I can't take it. I'll get addicted. You know I will. Leave me alone.
Ella, that is terrifying. What did you come out to her as? Like did you tell her about liking girls or did you only talk about sex repulsion and asexuality? You don't have to say, but if you only came out as ace it might be easier to refuse the offer of what I can only assume is an "ex-gay" group.
I only said that I didn’t think I was straight and had no attraction towards guys, however with the way I reacted to the questions I’m almost certain she figured out the rest.
I’m not fully sure about the group, based on what she said it doesn’t actually seem too bad, but there’s still that fear that it’ll end up being much worse
I don’t know and I don’t think there’s much I can do about it
I don't have the same optimism you do. I really don't know what else a group of gay/not straight catholics could talk about in a therapeutic setting other than
1) Suppressing """"unnatural feelings"""" and undergoing soft-core conversion therapy under the guidance of very harmful religious pseudo-science
Or
2) Recovering from the trauma that can result from that
You may very well make friends and find a group of like minded people. You might like it. But whatever they tell you about being "freed from homosexuality" or "it's not about gay to straight, it's about lost to saved/sinful to holy" or "it's not what God intends" or whatever else- just know it's not scientifically accurate. What you choose to do with your feelings is completely up to you, but simply having them (seeing/longing for a cute girl) is not a sin. You know I have a stance that acting on them (maybe getting a girlfriend or something) isn't a sin either, but you don't have to be completely sold on that to reject the bs unnatural brainwash they might feed you. Overwhelming evidence shows that
1) No one can change their orientation or gender identity
2) Having not-straight feelings is natural
3) Ex-gay groups and conversion therapy cause trauma
3) The most beneficial option for not-straight/cis people is to accept their not-straight/cis identity and live their life not trying to supress it, in other words, to live truthfully.
I don't mean to stress you out, but I do mean to warn you. I love you Ella, and I don't want anyone to make you feel like a dirty sinner for being honest about yourself to the rest of the world, because you're a great person with many wonderful aspects and I can't tolerate someone trying to supress any of them. Being gay or ace or trans or bi is not a problem- the problem arises when society makes you feel bad for having those identities. That's what needs therapy, soothing the anxiety that results from a ridiculous society, not changing yourself to please society. People need to change, religion needs to change, Ella. Not you.
Something interesting I would point out to religions that use the New testament.
I'm not as well versed in the Bible as others might be but from what I understand Jesus was always teaching and helping the outcasts of society, those would be the not straight people and other minority groups. Isn't there that whole interaction with a prostitute and the rich dude who invited him over is like, I can't believe this guy is letting this sinner touch him, And Jesus is like " First of all, She has been kinder than you have, second of all So what." I think it's in the early chapters of Luke or something like that.
My point is, these establishments aren't following their own doctrine if their being jerks to Gay people.
Side note: What is the correct way to refer to those of the not straight variety, Does just saying Gay work? Or…? I don't want to offend anyone and I don't really live in a house where such information is readily available.
I would also like to add that a part of it is a lack of education. I know My mom didn't really understand that Being Gay wasn't a choice until a year or two ago because our Church was like, Hey maybe stop being mean to these guys they're really just people.
My school is talking about and preparing for another shut down/quarantine. I think my school is the only high school open in the district. It's not for sure yet, but I'm scared because quarantine really fucked me up this spring. Bad.
todays mood:
i slept for a wholeass 12hrs and i'm still tired
i'm just
sad and tired
and i want to cry but i cant
i physically cannot
it has,, been a while since I vented here
long story short my life is over lol :)
i'm so sorry to hear that aft ;-;
hugshugshugs
I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-
I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-
Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???
I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-
Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???
Yah and wow… Ive never seen my school nerse that mad-
I feel invisible. I try to talk but I feel like people Faze right through me… I text my group chat and they legit ignore… Im not sure why they act like that-
Also on a whole different other note- My friend took my (metal) bottle and slammed it against my head-
Oh my god…did they apologize or anything???
Yah and wow… Ive never seen my school nerse that mad-
At least they apologized but still :/ that’s fucked up
Ella, that is terrifying. What did you come out to her as? Like did you tell her about liking girls or did you only talk about sex repulsion and asexuality? You don't have to say, but if you only came out as ace it might be easier to refuse the offer of what I can only assume is an "ex-gay" group.
I only said that I didn’t think I was straight and had no attraction towards guys, however with the way I reacted to the questions I’m almost certain she figured out the rest.
I’m not fully sure about the group, based on what she said it doesn’t actually seem too bad, but there’s still that fear that it’ll end up being much worse
I don’t know and I don’t think there’s much I can do about it
I don't have the same optimism you do. I really don't know what else a group of gay/not straight catholics could talk about in a therapeutic setting other than
1) Suppressing """"unnatural feelings"""" and undergoing soft-core conversion therapy under the guidance of very harmful religious pseudo-science
Or
2) Recovering from the trauma that can result from that
You may very well make friends and find a group of like minded people. You might like it. But whatever they tell you about being "freed from homosexuality" or "it's not about gay to straight, it's about lost to saved/sinful to holy" or "it's not what God intends" or whatever else- just know it's not scientifically accurate. What you choose to do with your feelings is completely up to you, but simply having them (seeing/longing for a cute girl) is not a sin. You know I have a stance that acting on them (maybe getting a girlfriend or something) isn't a sin either, but you don't have to be completely sold on that to reject the bs unnatural brainwash they might feed you. Overwhelming evidence shows that
1) No one can change their orientation or gender identity
2) Having not-straight feelings is natural
3) Ex-gay groups and conversion therapy cause trauma
3) The most beneficial option for not-straight/cis people is to accept their not-straight/cis identity and live their life not trying to supress it, in other words, to live truthfully.
I don't mean to stress you out, but I do mean to warn you. I love you Ella, and I don't want anyone to make you feel like a dirty sinner for being honest about yourself to the rest of the world, because you're a great person with many wonderful aspects and I can't tolerate someone trying to supress any of them. Being gay or ace or trans or bi is not a problem- the problem arises when society makes you feel bad for having those identities. That's what needs therapy, soothing the anxiety that results from a ridiculous society, not changing yourself to please society. People need to change, religion needs to change, Ella. Not you.
I was going to say something about this but I literally could not have said it better myself.
Ella I think if there's an opportunity for your therapist to not tell your mom, I would take it. I know that group sounds good, but I really do think it would do more harm than anything. And like Owen said, I love you and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself or your identity.
alright, I’ll see if it’s possible
thank y’all-
Haha not me failing a major grade and now feeling even more shitty than I already was feeling. I know that’s not really a big deal but I’m just like “wow g r e a t”
Do you ever get those painful waves of nostalgia that kind of make you realize how the best part of your life are over and how you wasted them away being selfish and wishing to grow up and then you kind of realize how it all just goes downhill from there? And then you start thinking about how you're going to waste your entire life doing nothing at all and how you're never going to amount to everything and you're just kind of not ready to let go to the joys and privileges of childhood? What? Me neither.
On a completely unrelated note, I really wanna drink laundry detergent. Not in like that way, I just really wanna know what it tastes like. I mean, I can get a pretty good idea from the smell, but who knows? Maybe it's really sweet, or really sour, maybe it has a strange tang to it, or a horrible after taste? What is the texture like? Does it taste better cold or warm? I mean I'm not gonna do it sadly, but I feel like it'd be really cool to try.
It doesn't taste like it smells it does not
I'm not gonna ask how you know that but-
What does it taste like?
It tastes like burnt rubber and it burns like the Seventh circle, the smell is a lie. same with dishwasher soap it's all a lie. I had the same thought. I wonder what it tastes like and then spat it out and oh man my mouth still burns thinking about it.
Okay. Rant time. Gonna be a little much but who tf cares.
Spoiler - click to show.
So I'm getting done with musical right? And I'm walking outside. I ask at least 12 people to borrow their phone. they all say " It's dead." So I move on and hope my parents come soon. An hour passes and my mom pulls up, asking how long I was outside….I told her the truth. an hour. and she fucking slaps me….Saying how my dumb ass self could've borrowed a phone and i replyed with. " But everyone I asked their phones were dead" Then she slaps me again ….calling bullshit…. I'm being driven back home….my mom yells at me at how I fail at life and that she wishes I wasn't a dumbass. I'm holding back tears and trying not to scream…as my dad also says he's pissed at me for being so stupid… then my mom says. " I don't respect her…." All because I forgot to call….I'm sorry……God Would it be so bad if I just ended my life now y'know?
Okay. Rant time. Gonna be a little much but who tf cares.
Spoiler - click to show.
So I'm getting done with musical right? And I'm walking outside. I ask at least 12 people to borrow their phone. they all say " It's dead." So I move on and hope my parents come soon. An hour passes and my mom pulls up, asking how long I was outside….I told her the truth. an hour. and she fucking slaps me….Saying how my dumb ass self could've borrowed a phone and i replyed with. " But everyone I asked their phones were dead" Then she slaps me again ….calling bullshit…. I'm being driven back home….my mom yells at me at how I fail at life and that she wishes I wasn't a dumbass. I'm holding back tears and trying not to scream…as my dad also says he's pissed at me for being so stupid… then my mom says. " I don't respect her…." All because I forgot to call….I'm sorry……God Would it be so bad if I just ended my life now y'know?
I'm sorry to say this, but your parents are horrible people. That's a lie. I'm not sorry. Don't trust their opinions because they're clearly biased against you in some way. Idk what else to say because I'm not good at supporting others, but people would really miss you if you left.
……That seems highly doubtful………sorry I'm just…..I'll shut up now.
I
AM
THROWING
HANDS
not to be rude or anything but i have a grudge against your parents now
IM ADOPTING YOU MY CHILD
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY
HERE YOU WILL BE CARED FOR AND LOVED VVVV MUCH
<3
