forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Started May 20, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

tune

@CinnamonRoll impulse purchase or not, you wont regret it!! :)

@CinnamonRoll , Thank you for your Comment, Like I said I' not totally sold on his backstory yet so critiques in that Area are very much appreciated. I'll be going in and messing with things so I can do his older self with a solid foundation of where he came from. The basic fact's will be the same but his reactions to things and such will most definitely change, It's the first time I've actually written out his backstory so yeah.
As for Politics, I'm never really sure what to put just because I have no Idea of any Political terminology, I live (Almost literally) Under a rock and Politics kinda scare me, also it's very confusing. One day I will take the time to educate my self on on the fancy words and what they mean. I definitely can and should include information on where he stands within his own world so I shall.
As for his Bluntness and Negotiating conflict. I actually have thought about that and something i must not have updates in his younger self and did put in his older self is his double sided Personality. He has a 'People' Personality and an 'everyone else personality'. Kinda like an At home verses at school or at work kind of thing. I will definitely explore that conflict.
I based a lot of His behaviors on my middle school self actually because I really want to explore the kind of damage having a double sided personality can have. I've done that for a lot of Character's in this Story I'm working on, each of them represent's a part of my life that I found struggles in and the different mental thought process. I'm that one person that thinks way to much about the meaning behind characters. Anyway the point is he is a character built out of contradictions.
I explained Eyamir's backstory from Eyamir's point of view, or as close to it as I could get with out writing an Auto Biography as him. Not everyone hates him, But those in power are directly pointing out that he is different and that he is to be to be hated, It's being encouraged. It's also a shock for him because before this there was no torment at all and now there is. So in reality, no not every one hates him, In his mind however, he is a Teenager with raging Hormones, he most definitely thinks every one hates him.
Thank you again for you comment's I was actually kinda stumped on how to move forward developing him because I was just struggling, but you're helping out so thank you!

Hi, got another character for you, if you can! Arissa Narim

Hello, everyone!! Nightly round-up before I get into it…

Tonight's critiques are going to @/ Lauren and @Kinarymo.

Tomorrow, it's @/ Lauren again and @Ash-has-an-arachnid-aversion.

@PaperCraneEnthusiast - Hi!! Of course I can, but since I'm slightly booked out, looks like this character will have to wait for a couple days (until the 15th). Sorry!!! Traffic on this thread spiked out of the blue (which I am very happy about! Just makes timelines a bit trickier).

@Relsey - Really happy you liked it!!! The idea of a dual personality is super fun to explore, and I feel it makes for some of the most realistic characters. Sorry I didn't pick up on that! Now that I know, though, Eyamir is even more interesting!! :D

I'll start with @/ Lauren's Charlotte! And at long last, this is a show I'm familiar with!! Not sure how that'll impact my critique, but I don't know, I guess it's nice? Anyway, top down…

First thing I have to yell about: prejudices!! So I guess there are a couple schools of thought on this, but I have some strong opinions on character prejudices. I firmly believe every character HAS prejudices. They're ingrained or subconscious feelings that you can recognize and resist, not fully get rid of. Mature or grounded characters who recognize their prejudices can actively choose not to act on their prejudices, but that's about as good as it gets.

I'm also a touch confused about the split between her motivations and her flaws. Charlotte is described as someone who wants to push the limits of her power, no matter what the cost. But her motivation of saving Five (at least for a significant period of time) is in direct contrast to this. Five's disappearance is a horror story of pushing the limits of power and facing the consequences. If she spent so long devoted to finding him, that idea would've wormed its way into her head, no questions about it. It's just a bit confusing to place that level of devotion to a flashing neon warning sign preaching the dangers of pushing the limits next to a deep desire to push those limits.

Religion! And! Politics! Rants! Having critiqued two of your characters now, I feel like you've heard them both? Therefore I've elected not to type them out here. But if you haven't heard one/both of them, let me know!! They're not character-specific so I can type them out for you in tomorrow night's roundup.

Background is solid!! The only thing I can think to mention here isn't really about her past, more so about her power. It seems dangerously OP–kind of? Here's what I mean. Charlotte's mad powerful, able to see LITERALLY everything. And sure, that takes a physical and mental toll, but I'm not seeing a lot of that in her sheet. Can she turn her sight on and off? What's it like when she abruptly turns it on? And are there any limitations? Like, does she have to BE in a location, or see a photo of it or something, to see what happened there? I feel like her power has a HUGE dark side that could be really cool to explore!!!

And that is all I've got!! As usual, a very well-developed character here!! Let me know if you need the religion/politics notes, and I'll see you again tomorrow for the last critique!! Until then, I hope these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll okay, let me just say… thank you… for everything. your speed when answering your critique requests and how thoroughly you read the characters, its all so amazing. I truly believe I can take your input and really better my characters, to make them more solid and human-like. I'm sorry if you feel you're giving the same notes often, they're just usually subjects I struggle with writing and/or creating. I cannot put into words exactly how thankful I am, but it means a lot to me and I'm sure many others, that you are doing this.

@Kinarymo - let's do this!! Top down on Virion…

(before I go - is that your art????? did you do that art???? it's really good art!!!!)

Before I get into the actual personality critiques, I have a tiny little note about Virion's relationship. Him and his lover are TOTALLY cute, but given your description here, there are also some… strange vibes. You say it's almost a parent-child relationship, and that Virion practically raised Hiryur. Just be aware that things like that can confuse the morality of any relationship. It could be a word-choice thing, but I just thought I'd let you know!!

The one thing that REALLY gets me about Virion's Nature page is his motivation. Clearly, he's a character with huge capacity for ambition and greed. He's charismatic, clever, powerful, etc., etc. I would expect that to manifest itself in some form of ambition (even if that is just upward mobility in whatever organization he works for). The idea that Virion got the job he currently has and stayed there because he was having a fun time doesn't quite sit right. I can totally understand how he would grow somewhat complacent in his work due to his enjoyment of it, but over time, I'm shocked that we aren't seeing ambition.

Also, this idea of doing what he does because it's fun doesn't gel well with his philosophy that he just does what he's told. What happens when he's told to do something that he wouldn't like to do? Does he just squash down all his impulses and do what he's told? It seems slightly off, but of course, you know him better than me!! Things the writers don't transcribe onto character sheets are often critique bait for me even though you guys have it all figured out, so sorry if I'm doing that at all!

OH YEAH IT'S POLITICS RANT TIME

So I have a politics rant! And here it is: I strongly believe that every character deserves to have some semblance of political stance on their page. Most helpful is rating characters on a scale of liberal-to-conservative-ness (whatever that means in your universe). Politics like this are so baseline that they can even apply to characters who don't consider themselves politically active. Plus, they can tell us a lot about character–ex. whether they're more open to change or more traditional.

Backstory is solid!! Some of my earlier concerns about ambition have been somewhat assuaged, and you even explained the slight sexism! However, this only strengthened my concerns about his relationship. It's clearly a deep emotional connection by the time it reaches maturity, so I'm not telling you to scrap it or anything like that. Just please know that from what I'm reading, this has an unsettling vibe of a kid dating his dad. Which is weird. And I'm so so so sorry, because I try to critique characters, not plotlines, but I feel like I have to say this one.

Okay, and that's it!! In case you couldn't tell, not a ton–I had to work hard here! Virion's character is really solid and clearly well-developed! Sorry if I stepped on your toes a bit with any plotline critiques. And in any case, I hope my notes can help you as you continue developing Virion!! :DD

@/ Lauren - THANK YOU!!!! Thank you so much. Validation like this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy so thank you so much for your praise. I genuinely care about the characters I get to meet on this thread, and I try my best to offer helpful advice. To know that the artists on the receiving end of that feel they can accept my critiques and sometimes even enjoy them means everything to me. I love the positive experience I've had on this thread and I'm so thankful for the feeling of mutual respect everyone on here seems to have for each other. Thank you for your kind words–you've made my night!!!

And I don't plan to close this thread anytime soon, just because I love doing this so much!! I plan to be quick and helpful for as long as I can. :DD

@CinnamonRoll it’s 3am but I finished!!! I just wanted to write this down now before I forget. I finished Victoria’s backstory and added to her character a bit. However, I am unsure if there’s other ways her backstory informs her character, as well as about the backstory itself, as I don’t have experience with writing traumatic events of that nature.
But other than that, I’m excited to see what you think! Of course, be as nit picky as you like. Do you need the link again?
Oh, btw, the whole petrification thing is a part of the magic system/world building. Just a heads up.

Hey, here's my boy Kohmir! Kohmir

My reaper boi Grimm

@CinnamonRoll ayyy, big wall of text :"D i love it
And ye, i did the art (except the one without color, someone else did it for me)

Yea, i know Virion's relationship is a bit questionable, but i ended up leaving it that way. Most might find it weird, but Virion never did anything inappropriate towards Hiryur, the latter being the one who's still childish enough to hug him or kiss him - i need to word it better maybe even change it up a bit. Idk if Virion would qualify for a father figure, more like a mentor type (i've also seen the mentor x pupil thing done somewhere else so imma try to make it better) :">
His motivation kinda got lost somewhere in there, i dont think i even gave a solid enough one in the first place :"> i need to fix this, cuz i did some recent changes to the story.

Politic wise, i never understood what to put there, mostly cuz my little pea brain hates politics XD But i will do my best to try add something in there, to make it more clear - right now i would say he's open to change, given the newly added race disputes that are going on in his area, fact which could also play in with his motivation (proving an elf can adapt to the human world and even make it high up).

Ty for the critique, it didnt bother me, it just pointed out the holes and thank u for doing so :"> May i come back with another character in the near future? :"D

im posting him now so i dont forget qvq

WOW, y'all are giving me TRAFFIC!! Thank you!! Here's tonight's round-up…

Tonight's critiques are going to @/ Lauren and @Ash-has-an-arachnid-aversion.

Tomorrow's go to @PaperCraneEnthusiast and @ella_grace (could you perhaps drop the link again? I have NO idea where to find your character. But I will if you don't read this in time so don't worry too much!)

Night after that (the 16th), it's time for @amber_is_a_starchild and @Divine-Irish-Potato!

And on the 17th, first slot goes to @Kinarymo! (Note to you–I'm so glad I didn't offend you and that you liked the critique!! I can't wait to meet your next character!!)

Thank you guys so much for coming by my thread!!! It means a lot to me. I miiiiiiight need another break soon (by which I mean one night, don't worry, I won't ghost y'all) but that can wait for when there's a lull in links. Okay, I'll get started now! :D

All right, @/ Lauren, last day of four!! I'll miss your characters :((( But no time for me to be sappy–top down on Samuel!

Personality is overall very well done. He strikes me as a 'special kid' dealing with the realities of life without that kind of constant doting (which I can personally relate to. it's tough, man). There are just a couple things I'd like to point out. The first one is his motivation. It seems… wrong, given what I just read. You tell me he has this deep, hidden desire to live a normal life. Why doesn't that play into his motivation? Sure, he basically feeds off attention, and he needs that validation, but is it really what he wants most out of life? I'm not saying his entire motivation has to be "become a yuppie with a studio apartment, a cat, and crippling credit card debt" but I really think some of that subconscious craving for normality would bleed into his motivations a little more.

Next up is that lack of empathy. I struggle a bit with this one, not because it doesn't make sense, but mainly because it doesn't appear across the rest of his nature sheet. How does his lack of empathy manifest in his life? Does he struggle giving advice? Receiving it? Does he struggle to make friends or maintain friendships? Right now, his lack of empathy feels slapped onto his sheet, making it appear out of place. Just add some backing for it and you should be okay!!

Religion and politics being well filled out made me smile :D

Backstory is solid, but it kind of also reinforces the previous note about his motivations. How does he balance his superficial motive of attention (which I would assume manifests at least some ambition) with his deeper motive of normality in his life, particularly in his career? I think that split is easy to explore in journalism (actively gunning for an editor position, volunteering for everything, etc., versus stopping at the same coffee shop every Thursday and smiling every time he sees the pigeons outside the office. little things I guess!)

And that's all I have!! Like I said earlier, I'll miss having your characters around the thread, so come back any time!! And I believe it goes without saying that Samuel is a wonderfully developed character with an interesting duality of personality. For what it's worth, I hope my notes are helpful!! :DD

All right, @Ash-has-an-arachnid-aversion !! Top down on Azami…

Note: I have never seen (I think it's a show?) One Piece, so I'm sorry if there are a couple things that go over my head!!

Nature is just a tiny bit sparse. Big gaping holes are Flaws and Prejudices. Every character has these, even if they recognize and actively work against them!! I think going deeper into the darker side of Azami's personality will take her to the next level.

That being said, I can still offer a note about her personality!! It's about her recklessness. There's a very clear clash between her recklessness and a couple other traits–namely, how she's willing to follow orders and how she doesn't let her emotions control her in battle. Recklessness is practically defined by someone who defies orders in favor of their emotions. So how is Azami a reckless character? I'm not saying you have to scrap the trait, but at the very least, you need to draw some lines. In what situations will Azami allow her emotions to get the better of her and become reckless?

Okay, Social!! I've got this pet peeve about religion and politics. I'm not sure how well these apply in the One Piece universe, but I guess I'll say them anyway! For religion, the first distinction is made between religiously affiliated and non-affiliated. Affiliated (as in, part of a church or organized faith) generally lends itself well to characters who prefer order and ritual. Non-affiliated is the opposite. These characters are generally averse to structure, or they're soul-searchers who can't quite settle into any one faith. Plus, if needed, the distinction between agnostic and atheistic is important as well, since it defines a character's worldview as hopeful or nihilistic! And as for politics, the absolute BASELINE is ranking your character on a scale of liberal-to-conservative. This just gives a general guide for how open your character is to change!

History!! I'd love to see a LOT more backstory here. Like a lot. Something I used to say a lot is that nothing happens in a vacuum. There's a cause for every character trait, and that must be rooted in backstory. I'm sure you have it all in your head, which is cool, but know I can't do my best without that basis! At the very least, it could be helpful to write down the story of her brother's death, as it seems to have had a huge impact on her personality.

And that's all I have for you!! Azami is a character with a strong basis who really just needs a bit more transcription to be great. To that end, I hope my critiques can help you a little bit!! :DD

Here ya go :)

@CinnamonRoll as always, the advice you give is amazing and thorough. it really shows how much you care. this has been a great journey, and thanks to you i think my characters have really developed for the better. i couldn't imagine doing this without you. this has been great. and who knows, i'll probably come back with more ;)

Hi! I'm back yet again! If you could take a look at my D&D character? I'm jumping in for the first time, and I want to make sure his backstory is solid mainly. I've left the rest of his sheet fairly blank so I can develop him as I play him, so don't mind that, but if there's any tips or anything that stands out to you, please let me know! Thank-you!!

Here’s the link: Arissa Narim :)

Hi guys!! Here's tonight's round-up…

Tonight's critiques are for @PaperCraneEnthusiast and @ella_grace!

Tomorrow's are for @amber_is_a_starchild and @Divine-Irish-Potato!

Day after that (the 17th) I'll be critiquing @Kinarymo and @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull (welcome back!!!)

@/ Lauren - Thank you so much!!! I'm so happy that you can see how much I care through my words. It's nice to know that that comes across well! And please do come back with more–your characters are wonderful, and they've given me amazing practice in critiquing within pre-existing worlds!! :DD

@PaperCraneEnthusiast - let's do this!! Top down on Arissa…

Okay, nature!! Generally I like it, since the concept of writing a 'doormat' character isn't done enough and has SO MUCH arc potential. But there are a couple holes. The first one is her impulsivity and this idea that she doesn't take stuff seriously. Arissa is described as someone who is EXTREMELY self-conscious, with low self-esteem and a constant need to prove herself and gain outside validation. So why wouldn't she carefully think about each of her actions before they're taken? This seems glaringly inconsistent, so perhaps there are certain situations where Arissa is willing to move past her need to be accepted and act out of base emotion. But right now, those situations aren't clear.

Next up–prejudices!! She needs some!! EVERYONE has prejudices, whether they realize it or not. If Arissa treats everyone with respect, it's likely that she acknowledges her prejudices and works hard not to act on them. But they're still there, because prejudices aren't the choices you make–they're just subconscious pre-inclinations.

And lastly, I feel the idea of her accepting the role of 'doormat' has to be expanded more into her personality. How does that affect Arissa? It's not easy to resign yourself to being support for everyone else and rarely getting the appreciation you deserve for it. Is there an underlying anger there? A sadness? I think you really need to examine how that bleeds into the rest of her personality.

Re that last note–she acts as secondary fighter in her group!! That's another point that would weigh on her as the story goes. I'm not saying she has to snap and go rogue or anything, but it could be a great arc or story point to discuss how a life of being second-best comes to a head during her journey with Annike.

Backstory is solid and honestly really cool!! Writing a patriarchal culture is hard, but realistic and interesting to explore from a woman's perspective. I only have one note. You describe Arissa as highly ranked in the military, but also describe her as below others. This is totally fine, but it speaks to an ambition in Arissa. She's not okay with being a highly validated high rank, but she wants to be the BEST. And that's cool, but I didn't see a hint of that kind of ambition in her personality. Even if it's a subconscious thing, I would recommend writing more backing for it!

And that's all I can offer you!! Arissa is a very interesting character from a well-built culture, and I'm excited to see where you go with her from here!! And of course, I hope my notes can help you along that road!! :DD

Because God hates me personally, I just refreshed this page and deleted my whole critique. Spicy. So as I re-type, it may get a little condensed (due to Rage). So if anything doesn't make sense, feel free to ask for an explanation!!

Since I already critiqued Victoria, I'll be focusing more heavily on backstory than on nature, but of course I'll glance at personality as well! So here we go–top down…

Prejudices are WONDERFUL. You added tons of raw nuance that hints at the traumatic event and resolves many former critiques. Really nice job!! And listing her triggers was a nice (if painful) touch as well.

The only note from my previous critique I think stands is the conflict between her goal of escapism and her inability to say no. It's just a matter of connecting herself to people versus distancing herself from them. Which wins in which case? Are there situations where she prefers connection to distance or vice versa?

OH YEAH BABY. OH THAT'S A W A L L OF TEXT. I am very excited (and honestly a bit scared) to read this!!!

WOW. Really really well done!!!! Her story is beautifully written and breaks my heart. It's a masterful blend of fantasy elements and real-world issues. Of course, I have a note or two! The first one is a small plot point. Why did Victoria decide to stay at Braeden's (EW) for a couple of days? They hadn't yet had time to grow close again after his outburst, and his request seems… out of the blue.

Next is an actual critique. Victoria says she doesn't want to raise her son like her parents raised her, but I find that confusing, since her dad seems great. Her mother is clearly awful, but what confuses that further is the idea that her parents stayed together. There was clearly a huge schism between them over how to handle Victoria's magic, and her mother literally became abusive. Why wouldn't her incredibly loving and supportive father leave her in favor of his daughter? I get that it might not be in her backstory, rather his, but it's SO key. Because from what I'm seeing, the only reason Victoria would have to resent her father is that he didn't save her from her mom. He didn't have the courage. Even so, I wouldn't expect her to totally throw out his parenting style, because it seems generally good.

And that, my dear, is all!! I am SO GLAD you took the time to type out Victoria's backstory, because it was a joy to read. Thank you so much, and I hope that the couple notes I could pick out are helpful to you in some way!! :DD

Also, everyone–I think I'll take a break this Friday, the 19th!! (Maaaaaaaaaybe). For now, I won't schedule anyone on that evening. There are still slots open for Thursday the 18th, though, and of course everything after the 19th. :D

Hey I've got another character for ya !

Honestly I'm super excited about this one ! She's gone through SO many different phases (not kidding she started off as a percy jackson OC, then a KOTLC OC, then a combination of the two, and now she's proudly in an independent story) and because she's been around for so long (beginning of 6th grade maybe) she's infinitely more developed than all of my other characters (all those green checkmarks on her character sheet make me so happy). So i can't wait to see what you have to say. Please be at peak harshness.
(also, she's a little bit of a stereotypical punk, so I've heard, so if you have any suggestions for changing that then i'd greatly appreciate it)

Because God hates me personally, I just refreshed this page and deleted my whole critique. Spicy. So as I re-type, it may get a little condensed (due to Rage). So if anything doesn't make sense, feel free to ask for an explanation!!

Ok, first off, I feel as though I had the same problem, in the sense that I rushed through things. I really wanted to finish her character and get my ideas on the page, and to share them. In doing so, I might have rushed through important details. But, what are critiques for? (Also, I feel the pain)

Prejudices are WONDERFUL. You added tons of raw nuance that hints at the traumatic event and resolves many former critiques. Really nice job!! And listing her triggers was a nice (if painful) touch as well.

Thank you!

The only note from my previous critique I think stands is the conflict between her goal of escapism and her inability to say no. It's just a matter of connecting herself to people versus distancing herself from them. Which wins in which case? Are there situations where she prefers connection to distance or vice versa?

Idk, I guess it was one of those things that made more sense in my head. I thought the fact that she was a Quaker could explain this too. But thank you for pointing this out. I don’t know if I can make an exact remedy for this, other than taking inspiration from my own experiences, because honestly it’s a struggle for me too.

OH YEAH BABY. OH THAT'S A W A L L OF TEXT. I am very excited (and honestly a bit scared) to read this!!!

A WALL OF TEXT INDEED, MY FRIEND

WOW. Really really well done!!!! Her story is beautifully written and breaks my heart. It's a masterful blend of fantasy elements and real-world issues. Of course, I have a note or two! The first one is a small plot point. Why did Victoria decide to stay at Braeden's (EW) for a couple of days? They hadn't yet had time to grow close again after his outburst, and his request seems… out of the blue.

First, thank you! Second, sorry if that wasn’t clear, but she was only meant to stay at Braeden’s for the night or at least evening. Plus, I imagine they still spent time with each other in between his outburst and that night, Braeden just let off with the romantic gestures. Idk, somehow I don’t think it would be out of the blue to Victoria. But of course, it’s something to think about.

Next is an actual critique. Victoria says she doesn't want to raise her son like her parents raised her, but I find that confusing, since her dad seems great. Her mother is clearly awful, but what confuses that further is the idea that her parents stayed together. There was clearly a huge schism between them over how to handle Victoria's magic, and her mother literally became abusive. Why wouldn't her incredibly loving and supportive father leave her in favor of his daughter? I get that it might not be in her backstory, rather his, but it's SO key. Because from what I'm seeing, the only reason Victoria would have to resent her father is that he didn't save her from her mom. He didn't have the courage. Even so, I wouldn't expect her to totally throw out his parenting style, because it seems generally good.

Ok, yeah, this is what I meant by rushed. Thank you for pointing this out. I went ahead and said “Parents!” instead of “Mom!” I agree with you, her dad wasn’t a bad guy, and that his relationship with his wife probably changed in that time. I think that since both of them are religious people, they would see divorce as a wrong choice. On Victoria’s end, I don’t think she’d resent him either, but they’d still be distant. But I do think that she’d subconsciously mirror his parenting, I guess? The main thing she’d want to change is not making her child feel like a monster like she felt. But again, thanks for this.

And that, my dear, is all!! I am SO GLAD you took the time to type out Victoria's backstory, because it was a joy to read. Thank you so much, and I hope that the couple notes I could pick out are helpful to you in some way!! :DD

Thank YOU! You are so amazing, so helpful! You got me thinking. I’m definitely coming back with more characters. Also, side note, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m better at building worlds than characters…..