forum Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Started May 20, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

tune

All right, I'll start with @kanemoto_asuga !! Top down on–

(um, brief aside–I don't actually know how Korean names work? As in whether the given name or family name comes first. I'm like 80% sure it's family name first, but if I'm wrong, I'm so sorry!!! And please correct me!)

–Yoojoon!

Nature seems generally smooth, but there are a couple big question marks. First and I would say most importantly, let's address how his motivations gel with his personality. He's motivated by the idea of acceptance in the eyes of those around him, making them happy with his actions or words or whatnot. It doesn't make sense that Yoojoon would allow himself to appear harsh and competitive when he first encounters people, given that he cares so much about their opinions.

Next up is the bipolar disorder. NOTHING wrong with the fact that he has it (or at least tendancies), but I think it needs to be better explained. Given my (VERY limited) research into bipolar disorder, someone afflicted will have two very distinct sides of their personality depending on the episode they're having. When writing a character with bipolar disorder, it's incredibly important to write out both sides of their personality, examining how manic and depressive episodes will galvanize and dampen their core personality, respectively.

Okay, politics!! I get that Yoojoon can't EXPRESS political opinions, but that sure doesn't mean he doesn't have any. In my humble opinion, all characters deserve placement on the political spectrum, because it can be used as a tool to define how open they are to change! I like to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-to-conservative as a baseline, since it works even for characters who aren't at all politically active.

History is generally solid! Any critiques I have here are going to be small notes. One, his sexuality–how did he overcome his parents' views? Ingrained homophobic views can wreak HAVOC on a person, leading them to be uncomfortable with themselves or reluctant to come out to friends. How does Yoojoon deal with his parents' projected opinions? Two, his band group–how did they make friends so quickly? Most of his character page tells me that Yoojoon is standoffish at first, competitive and kind of grating. So how is he able to make fast friends with everyone in his group?

And that's all I can offer you!! I'll admit I don't know too much about the K-Pop scene, but I really hope I did all right anyway!! And of course, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Oh hello @/ walter!! Looks like you'll get the second critique tomorrow night, after @Kinarymo ! :D

All right, @Musical_Queen, here we go! Top down on Mari…

(Side quip–is that your art???? it's so beautiful!!)

First up, let's talk about the racism! Totally fine to include that in your character, because it's true that environmental factors can lead to implicit race bias, and good on you for drawing attention to that. But I do think it's important to qualify how Mari acts or does not act on her prejudice. Is she aware of her race bias? If so, does she work against it? Because whether or not she does will obviously have a HUGE impact on the morality of her character.

(quick aside again–look into imposter syndrome!! it sounds like what you're describing here and could be cool to read up on).

As I read, the more I feel that Mari's nature page is a bit sparse for an MC. I feel like I should know WAY more about how she acts around her friends, how she deals with tough situations, etc., etc. Right now, all I know about Mari is that she's a nice person who wants to spread the love. And that's great! She sounds really nice! But to be a full-fledged MC, I feel that she needs to have WAY more nuance to her characterization.

Then I have to pick at her flaw. Self-consciousness doesn't strike me as a character flaw that can fly solo in an MC. Like, it's definitely bad, but it's not quite a character flaw. Let me explain. In a major character, it's important that their flaws are external. Not as in appearance–the flaws need to impact the people AROUND the MC. Flaws are there to cause minor conflict between an MC and their supporting cast, so something as internal as self-consciousness doesn't quite cut it. Now, you can design Mari's flaws to spiral off of that core concept–maybe she refuses to listen to outside opinions since she's so ingrained in a negative view of her work, or she constantly self-deprecates to the point where the people around her are genuinely uncomfortable, or she cuts people off when she falls into self-conscious depression. Stuff like that!

Politics!! Okay!! In my humble opinion, all characters deserve placement on the political spectrum, because it can be used as a tool to define how open they are to change! I like to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-to-conservative as a baseline, since it works even for characters who aren't at all politically active. (This critique is literally copied from another one, but it's so so so universal, I promise!! It's really important!)

Okay, backstory. I can't offer any help here, since there's nothing for me to really critique. My number one note would be to flesh it out more!! The most important things to ground in backstory are prejudices, motivations, and flaws, with personality hopefully becoming evident without explicit note. I'd really encourage you to write out some more on Notebook so I can offer some notes! (I'm sure you know her backstory, it's just not on here for me to see).

And that's all I can offer you!! I really hope my notes are helpful to you, and come back any time if you'd like me to take another look!! :DD

Hi guys!!! Fairly simple round-up tonight - I'll be critiquing @Kinarymo and @/ walter!!

Okay, @Kinarymo, here we go!! Top down on Rin…

(DAMN that's some art!!! I can never keep track of who's an artist on this thread, but in any case, if that was you, amazing job!!)

(oh it WAS provided by you!!! incredible!!!!!!!)

Nature is, overall, very solid. So I'm going to be a touch nit-picky here! First off, this idea of him having no reactions to people other than Narion. This feels wrong, considering Rin's overall curiosity and excitement for life. Given that, I'd expect him to have positive or at least neutral reactions to everyone around him, potentially tempered by a dash of paranoia over Narion's well-being. Full-on negativity and 'no reaction' seem kind of wrong.

Also, there's a tiny bit of conflict between 'no hesitation to kill' and 'curious, exploring new emotions.' How does Rin deal with his first dose of remorse? Shame? Hesitation? No doubt he'd default to murder-happy, but having consciousness comes with side effects!

Also, honest question–how far does his responsiveness to commands go? Clearly he lashes out under extreme emotional stress, and now that he has consciousness, he very likely has things he WANTS or does not want to do. So can Narion's commands just stop him in his tracks, or are they something that can be resisted? Is there a line?

Religion and politics!! Okay, given that this is a character who JUST gained sentience, I get how he would have none for both. But I feel like it could be really neat to explore how Rin's views develop on each subject. And if that's way too much for Notebook, I get it!! Just something that I think would logically occur given Rin's curiosity and that would be fun to consider.

"A small mistake was made that allowed the Morphidae to escape–" AVATAR??????? there's so much lore I'm in too deep–

Backstory has virtually NO problems–great job!!! I only have one plot-point question, which you probably already know and don't have at ACTUALLY answer. Just to think about if you have't already. So if Rin was created using a soul, why is he literally soulless for so much of his life? I am just a touch lost there.

And that's literally all I have?? I know it's not a ton–I'm sorry!!! Rin's a really well-developed character!! And in any case, I hope these few notes are helpful to you!! :DDD

Oh crap!! @/ walter, your character is on private mode!! As soon as you make him/her/them public, I'll take a look. And if you need help, just ask and I'll tell you exactly how to change privacy settings! :DD

(ayyy, ty ty qvq 'tis fine, i usually provide my own art cuz im too broke to commission people XD)

Okay, that bit makes sense, i was initially planning him to be totally devoid of reactions to anyone aside from Narion, but gradually warms up and develops an interest for the world.
Despite developing a sense of awareness, he is still very much a weapon. He's done it countless times before and will do it again. He needs powerful triggers to experience a new emotion, but when he will understand death is wrong, he will have some internal emotion crysis =]

Well, with Narion being his master, every word is law. He may have been granted freedom of will but he is still very much obligated to follow orders he is given - thats how he was created, so that were is no room for second thoughts.

Ayyy, there it is :')) Part of my lore huhu

As for the soul part, he was made from the essence of a soul, not the life source itself. Its kinda like taking a person, taking out its life force and reconditioning their body to be your slave - thats what demons are to Morphidae, repurposed corpses if u will.
Rin lacks a life force of his own, he would die of his sword ever got broken. You need to read some Morphidae lore to understand how a soul works :')))

Ayoo, ty for the advice, it always brightens my day to see ur reply ^^ I'll prolly keep coming back with characters if thats oks :')

Thx again a bunch! ❤❤❤

That was really helpful!! Thanks so much!!

To answer some questions, I'm not sure how far into the future this will take place and what the government will be like (or even the state of the country in general) so I kinda used a cop-out answer because I haven't figured out the year yet.

Also for his bi-polar tendencies: I used "tendencies" because it's not very severe, mostly causing mood swings or memory gaps, but still could be categorized within the family of "bi-polar." i'll need to research that more.

about his family: he's only slightly overcome internalized homophobia by coming out to his band mates by accident, to which he was (generally) accepted with open arms. Before feeling a sense of security around his band mates though, he was a complete mess and his only coping mechanism was to busy and distract himself with work.

about appearing harshly to others upon meeting them, that's also a coping mechanism from his childhood. he's less harsh than he is standoffish and guarded because he wants to protect himself from others' opinions. once he's clarified whether or not he'd be accepted he's generally a warm (ish) person. to adults and people of importance he's much more agreeable, even is he has to just grit his teeth and force a smile.

also, after training for 2 years and being grouped with the others, he still trained for another 2 years with them before debuting. that's pretty fast for idol standards but long enough for yoojoon to become comfortable around them. also this story will take place another year after debut so he's been around them for a while.

Lastly, I really need to revisit Yoojoon more because i need to mend those glaring inconsistencies. I didn't even think about that so thanks soo much for pointing those out. this was very helpful and i'll probably be coming to you with more characters soon because this is very insightful.

I’m back! I hope you’re doing well! And this time with a boy!

Again, any criticism is met with open arms!

Good evening folks!! Kind of quiet on the thread recently, so I guess I can relax some of the formalities… but not all of them!!! Everyone still gets their own line!

@/ walter, please let me know as soon as you've updated those privacy settings! I'm not going to check the link until you confirm that it works and you're still active on this platform/thread.

@Kinarymo - Glad you liked it!! PLEASE keep coming back with characters (whenever you're ready, no pressure) because I love reading about your incredible characters and staggeringly impressive worldbuilding!

@kanemoto_asuga - Similar to above–really happy you enjoyed it!! My whole job here is pointing out stuff y'all didn't catch, so I'm really glad that's coming across!! Absolutely come back with more characters any time! :DD

Oh wow! Hi @/ Destinee!! You commented right as I was typing the round-up - wild! I am doing wonderfully and will critique this guy right away, since there's no one in line right now! :D

All right!! Absolutely NO waiting period! Top down on Abel…

For starts: nature is WILDLY solid. Seriously. I'm going to have to nit-pick really hard, and even then, there might not be much for me to find!

First little thing: this thing with nosy people. I absolutely understand how he would get annoyed at them (god, don't we all) but growing defensive and even aggressive seems wrong. Everything else about Abel's public personality is carefully schooled and controlled with a conservative kind of politeness. I could fully expect a bit of shortness and for him to shut down the nosy person's topic with a slightly more sharp politeness. But full-on defensive aggression seems out of character for Abel, unless the person is poking at something REALLY personal.

Oh you already KNOW it's time for me to pull out the broken record and rant about religion!! So in case you've managed to avoid this critique, I care about the religion field a LOT. It can be used as a field for characterization to the point where I practically consider it another personality field. And for Abel, it's even MORE important, because it specifically tells us whether a character is more traditional or more flexible and resistant to tradition/structure. If Abel stuck with whatever his parents taught him, or even tended toward organized religion, you can use that as a point to his traditional side. But if he tends more spiritual and non-affiliated, you can use that as a point to his artistic, modern side!

Backstory–woah. Why am I not seeing any of this playing out in his personality?? Is he worried about entering a relationship? Does he struggle to believe all rape allegations in the news given his own experiences? Does he shy away from 'clingy' people? I just don't feel like a lot of the impacts of an emotionally abusive relationship and a false rape allegation are playing out in his personality when they really should be. There are touches of it for sure, but not the impact I'd expect. Actually, his personality seems distended from his backstory, since I know nothing about the traits that ARE on his nature page–where did his love for art develop? How was his upbringing–obviously it gave him politeness, patience, and courtesy, but was it a positive environment to learn those traits in or a negative one? How did he become so responsible? It's not as though you need to list stuff like "Abel grew responsible when…" but just going back further is MADLY helpful to contribute to understanding.

And I know that's not a lot… but it's literally all I have!! You have a seriously well-developed character here, and just a touch more connection between personality and past will make him amazing!! Thank you for dropping by and as always, I hope that my notes are helpful to you! :DD

https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/956567/edit Here's Cake again, I believe he's public now, sorry for the mistake!

Curiosity has struck me, I'm still kinda new to Notebook, but anyways, here
Brooke: Invalid Character

Hey! So I made some changes to Brodie and I think he's more on par with the other guy you've seen now, so if you don't mind taking another look I'd appreciate it! Invalid Character also, since you're from MN, d'you think Two Harbors in northern enough or should change that?

Could you take a look at Zakiya? Zakiya

Hello and good evening, everyone!! Here's tonight's round-up…

@/ walter and @_Dazed_Confused_, y'all are getting critiques tonight!! (And @/walter, no worries! Thanks for the updated link! :D)

Tomorrow, critiques go out to @zims and @Isaac !! :DD

Hi! Not done with this character but I hope you like her! Aro D'miss I'm new here so this is a first for me

All right, @/ walter, top down on Cake!

First up is nature, and most of this generally works well! While everything flows fine, I'll warn you that it seems a touch sparse. Right now, a lot of Cake's personality is built around the central trait of 'chronically friendly.' That's great, but it leaves Cake looking a bit simple. You did very well making sure conflicting traits (like flaws and strengths) are natural results of each other, which is ideal, but you have to make sure to add other points as well!! The core should be based around chronic friendliness for sure, but make sure to add non-related stuff in there for depth!!

Working with what's here, there's one thing that sticks out: his prejudice. Why exactly does Cake hate extreme extroverts so much? By all accounts, he's an extreme extrovert–never knows when to stop talking, dedicated to being an inspiring figure, etc. Is it a manifestation of self-loathing? Given that his extroversion tends to cause a struggle in forming friendships, I could see how that would work, but having a prejudice based in self-loathing would manifest in other areas of his personality as well (like insecurity or toxic levels of self-control) and I don't really see that.

Okay, backstory!! I only have one major point of issue here, and that's Cake's age. It raises a ton of questions about his personality and, honestly, his life. How did Cake survive???? If he's 7, he's still prone to being dumb since he's a child. Sure, he can make food and stuff, but who's to stop him from pushing ALL THE GLOWING BUTTONS and accidentally releasing all the oxygen or something? It's just slightly confusing.

And then more importantly, let's consider how this impacts his personality. He spent HIGHLY formative years, and potentially early puberty, alone in space. It made him more extroverted (not exactly intentionally), but what else? How did he not lose his mind? What does his nearly inevitable arrested development look like? Has he grown depressed? Overly anxious? Seven years is a LONG time, and I feel like it should've taken a much larger toll on Cake's personality.

And that's all I've got!! Cake seems like a genuinely sweet and admirable character, but I think he needs a dash more development to make him great. I hope that my notes can help you in that pursuit!! :DD

Oh what's up @/ Inari K!! I've got slots for tomorrow all filled up, but the day after that (the 25th) you'll have the first spot!! (And welcome to Notebook!! We're nice here, I promise! :D)

Okay, @_Dazed_Confused_ (it won't let me type your name properly?????) top down on Brooke…

First impressions of Brooke's nature page are that it's a little sparse. There are so few explanations given for certain traits and so little indication of depth to her character (I'm sure it's THERE, it's just not on this page) that I can scarcely find things to say. Of course I'll still do my absolute best, but just so you know, if you'd like a better critique later, please come back with more text!

Okay, first pet peeve: prejudices. LITERALLY every character has prejudices. They can be as simple as "well, I was raised in a wealthy conservative household, and some of the conversations rubbed off on me so now I sort of dislike the poor" or "well, I fear losing my physical prowess, so I have some ageism in me" or MUCH more complex things. Point is, they're ingrained biases that no character can escape. Since I've gathered that Brooke is based off the character of Batman, perhaps some prejudice against criminals is in order. Indiscriminate prejudice towards petty criminals without sympathy for life circumstances could easily arise from Brooke's past.

Next up, motives-versus-methods! Brooke is motivated by her friends and family, but she's also standoffish and bad in relationships. Remember that relationships go both ways, so what is it that Brooke does that makes the people around her care enough to stick around? Besides heroism, what redeeming personal qualities does she possess that give her a continued cast of friends and family to be motivated by?

Okay, religion and politics!! In my humble opinion, all characters deserve placement on the political spectrum, because it can be used as a tool to define how open they are to change! I like to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-to-conservative as a baseline, since it works even for characters who aren't at all politically active. And as for religion, it can be used as a tool to define how traditional or flexible a character is. For Brooke, that's extra important–practicing the same religion she was raised in with no emotion can be a symbol of her holding on to her past, for example. It's so important to fill these out–I practically consider them personality fields!!

All right, backstory. I can't offer any help here. There's nothing wrong with it at all, just… not a lot of it. It's so important to root traits in the backstory–like flaws, prejudices, motivations. Absolutely NOTHING happens in a vacuum, and although you don't need to explain your whole laundry list of character traits, it's important to give them a scene where they could arise naturally. If you ever want a full backstory critique, type it all up and come back sometime!!

And that's all I have for you!! Brooke is, overall, a compelling character, but she needs more development to really make her great and, more importantly, make her your own. If you'd ever like a round 2, please swing by sometime!!! And until then, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Yes this helped me A LOT! Thank you!! :)

haii, im bacc qvq

Hey! I was wondering if you'd look at Sarus? I haven't been able to show him off a lot and want an outsider's perspective on him Sarus

Hi everyone!! After a brief lull, it looks like heavy traffic is back (I missed y'all)!! Okay, tonight's round-up…

Tonight's critiques go out to @zims and @Isaac!

Tomorrow, it's time for @/ Inari K and @Kinarymo (hello again!!)

First slot on the day after that (the 26th) is for @tiredandconfused!!

And @-Dazed--Confused_- (i can type your username now!!! did you change it because I said so??? if that was why, you certainly didn't have to, but thanks!!) really happy you enjoyed!!!! :DDD Swing back sometimes for a Round 2 or with any other characters!!