Cat brings in a dead mouse from outside
Brex: Aww, Ryder, look! It brought us a present!
Ryder, looking up from her phone: Oh, so when he brings in a dead body, it’s adorable, but when I do it, it’s “wrong” and “illegal”?
Looking at a half-filled cup of alcohol
Saff: This cup is half full.
Jackie: No, it’s half-empty.
Robin: Whatever the hell it is, there’s room for more vodka! Proceeds to fill it up then down it in one gulp
Saff: If you were a drink, what would you be?
Ryder: Red Bull.
Robin: Vodka.
Devon: Pickle juice.
Jackie: Sewage.
Brexley: … whole milk …
Flirting at a party:
Brexley: Hey! You got any plans tomorrow night?
Jackie: My spirit animal is a bonfire because I burn people so well.
Devon: Seductively walks up to target What’s your Divergent faction?
Bianca: Tries to tell a joke but laughs for ten minutes straight before she can get it out
Saff: So… Do you like… (panics) water???
Saff: My girlfriend is like an oven.
Ryder: Warm?
Saff: Roasts me.
Brex: Hey, I’m thinking of getting a new phone. Do you guys like yours?
Jackie, on her phone: I’ve never used a phone in my life.
Brexley: What the hell, Jackie! You can’t get drunk in front of Ben and Evie!
Jackie: I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.
Bianca: Wow, Jack. I’ve never seen you so happy.
Jackie: What? I love animals. They should be rewarded for not being people. Ends up going home with 27 dogs
Jackie: Is no an emotion? Because I feel it.
Devon: I like the rain. It’s peaceful.
Ryder: It would help you clean up after a murder.
Devon: If you used an icicle as a murder weapon, then you wouldn’t need the rain.
Brexley: What is wrong with the both of you?
Jackie: I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.
Conner, sighing: Alright. What's your excuse this time?
Jackie: We have three, actually.
Bianca: Pick your favorite.
Ryder: SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
Bianca: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Ryder: WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR??
Bianca, sobbing: FOR SAYING YOU'RE AGGRESSIVE!!!
Brex: Bianca, you're a genius!
Bianca: Yeah, people call me that a lot.
Brex: What, a genius?
Bianca: No. Bianca.
Jackie: Oh my God, that is so sad.
Jackie: Ryder, play Despacito on your violin.
Ryder: Plays Despacito
Ben: How did you do it?
Robin: I used updog.
Ben: What’s updog?
Robin: SAFF GET IN HERE I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT
Robin: You know the plan, right?
Saff: Of course!
Robin: Tell me.
Saff: If you ever go down in a fight, I am to sing MM WHATCHA SAY, no matter the circumstances.
Robin: Good. I’ll do the same for you, of course.
Robin: Here you are! A nice hot cup of coffee!
Saff: This is cold.
Robin: A nice cup of coffee!
Saff: It’s terrible.
Robin: Cup of coffee.
Saff: I’m not even sure this is coffee.
Robin: CUP.
Brexley: Hey, Ryder- why’s Jackie crying?
Ryder, smirking: She took one of those “WHICH FIRST TO RISE CHARACTER ARE YOU?” quizzes.
Brexley: Oh? Who did she get?
Ryder: Evie.
Saff, whispering: Okay, but do you like me or, like, like like me?
Robin: We’re adults, we’re married and its three a.m.. Go to bed.
Conner: Jackie’s at that very special age where she has only one thing on her mind.
Evie: Oh, boys?
Jackie: Homicide.
Saff, sighing: That unknown killer is homophobic.
Robin: What? Why?
Saff: I’m lesbian and they’re inconveniencing me.
Bianca, waking up: Where am I?
Jackie, sarcastically: Heaven.
Bianca: Oh.
Bianca: Didn’t expect to see you here.
Jackie: Alright, motherf*ckers, listen up.
Brexley: :(
Jackie: Not you, Brex. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled to have you here.
Brexley: :)
Bianca: Are you talking to yourself?
Devon: Yes. It’s the only way I can get an intelligent conversation around here.
Flight attendant: make sure all your small items are secured.
Jackie: Do you feel safe, sweetie?
Ryder: I will murder you.
At a sleepover
Brexley: The moon is really pretty tonight.
Bianca, nearly asleep: Yeah, it is.
Ryder, whispering: When should I tell them it’s a tortilla shell you threw at the window?
Jackie: Let’s wait just a little longer.
Nobody:
Bianca: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Bianca: Friends are there to bust you out of jail.
Bianca: But BEST friends are right there along with you.
Devon: I am handcuffed to you and I literally have no choice.
Bianca: You think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?
Devon: You’re a hazard to society.
Jackie: And a coward. Do twenty.
Brexley: Why is Bianca carrying around a potted plant?
Ryder: She was asking too many stupid questions and I made her make up for all the oxygen she wasted.
Ryder: I hate you with every inch of my body.
Devon: Hate to break it to you, but that’s not a lot of inches.
Saff: Christ on a cracker!
Robin, crying: Please just say f*ck
Jackie: My boyfriend broke up with me!
Brexley: I’m so sorry! Is there anything-
Jackie: Devon, whaddya got?
Devon: His credit card pin, social security number, and password to his amazon prime account. He still watches iCarly, which is good blackmail info. Anyway, his password wasn’t too hard to guess, it was the name of his favorite stuffed animal.
Jackie: Excellent.
Brexley: You really don’t know anything about human nature, do you?
Jackie: Nature: no. Human… no.
Jackie: The name of my first audiobook is THE BIBLE, READ IN A CONDESCENDING TONE BY A SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD ATHEIST.
Brexley: That’s it, you’re all grounded. Ryder, no violin. Bianca, no writing. And Jackie- what do you love?
Jackie: Vengeance.
Brexley: No vengeance for you.
Jackie: I was gonna say “I’ll get you for this,” but I guess that’s off the table.
