Simon Jensen Marsden

 

The team as a whole usually defaults to calling them Si, since it's easier to yell.
Their older brother calls them kid even if their age gap isn't that big.
Sarah calls them kiddo because she's the mom friend.
Chloe makes it a point to call them various shades of the color red (i.e. Scarlet, Crimson, etc.)
CJ, Dean, and Henry all have their different pet names for them. CJ's is Sparky, Dean's is babe/baby, and Henry's is either darling or monarch.

 

Their hero name is Trailblazer, due to their speed and the fact that their queerness is making waves in the superhero community.

 

26 (born 4/28/97 - Taurus)

 

bisexual & polyamorous

 

genderfluid (they/he)

 

Protagonist

 

about neck-length, thick, & wavy, with swoopy bangs

 

half dyed dark red, half natural dark brown

 

brown

 

"5'4" on a good day" (5'3"ish)

 

about 150 lbs. but they physically can't stand checking their weight

 

• He has a few moles and freckles on his. shoulders, upper arms, and legs


• They have several scars that resulted from overusing their speed.


• If they push too hard, their skin can split & result in scars with shiny gold edges.


• The biggest is a gold-lined scar through his right eye (left to onlookers) & resulting faded eye.


• They also have top surgery scars.

 

They have a septum piercing, both ears pierced, and a bunch of little tattoos because the rest of their partners were getting tattoos & they felt left out. They have a couple of little frogs & mushrooms, a set of sunflowers, and some little cartoony crayons on their wrist.

 

pear-shaped, relatively in shape but not perfectly toned

 

tan-ish

 

Caucasian (half-Italian on their mother's side)

 

Metahuman - mostly human species born with a recessive gene that, when activated, gives them superpowers in their adolescence. People may be carriers of the metahuman gene without it being active, but in this case, Simon has an active metahuman gene that activated when he was 19.

 

Their wardrobe consists of maybe five pieces with a shit ton of variations on a theme. They know exactly what brand and style of jeans work, which T-shirts are the most comfortable, & which jackets fit the best, so they buy several of the same thing in a bunch of different colors & patterns. They stuck with a rotation of solid color/simple patterned T-shirts, flannels, crewneck sweatshirts, high-waisted jeans, pleather jackets, combat boots, and canvas sneakers for awhile, but especially since dating Henry, they'd started to expand their fashion sense.

 

He has a bunch of formal wear options because he'll never really know how he feels about gender until maybe the hour before the event. He has a couple of suits, some more classy and some with slightly crazy patterns, a couple of jumpsuits, and a very extensive collection of fun dress pants.

 

Pinterest Board

 

He's very anti-racism, anti-misogyny, & anti-queerphobia, and he's also 100% for gun control. He does understand that it's a little weird that be preaches gun control when he's dating Dean, whose whole thing is guns. Dean, however, has licenses for all of his firearms (although they may be....a little forged), as well as actually being a decent human being who understands the risks and responsibilities that come with owning weapons of that caliber.

From Q&A: Do you hate guns or something?
A: Uh, I kinda hate guns? I mean, I know that's Dean's whole shtick, but also gun control is important. I'm also really not good with loud noises anyway. It's...it's weird but I still love 'im.

 

They have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), depression, & some casual abandonment issues. He's also vaguely self-diagnosed (& peer-reviewed by CJ) with ADHD, but he's still not 100% sure if it's actually ADHD or if his brain's just forced to move that fast with his powers. (Jokes on him, it's the secret third option: both!)

He also has IBS, which just kinda sucks. Oh well.

 

• They crack their knuckles when they get stressed and/or bored.


• He bites his nails constantly, and that's been a habit he's been trying to shake since he was a kid. It's...not going away anytime soon.


• They also keep fidget toys in most of his pockets, although they also have a high tendency to break them.

 

His team, especially CJ, Dean, and Henry, & his siblings.

 

He has superspeed, which he can use to do pretty much anything quickly, as well as phase through solid matter & sometimes time travel.
- They can time travel but they’re smart, so they don’t. They have a Powerpoint fuckin’ ready when Adam and Noah ask about time travel. Have you ever fuckin’ seen a time travel movie? Don’t do it. Literally every single time travel movie says don’t do it.

From Q&A:
Q: What was your first time time-traveling with your super speed?
A: Time-traveling for the first time was terrifying. I'd already gotten used to my powers, so I was probably 20-21ish. I went out with my friends one night and decided, "hey you know what would be fun? trying to go faster." and all of a sudden, I was in the 1970s. I panicked for a moment and luckily I was able to get back as fast as I left because I think if I stayed any longer, I would have been stuck there.

Q: Did you ever get stuck while trying to phase through something?
A: Surprisingly no! I've gotten close and I've lost bits of jackets and shoelaces from phasing, but I personally have never gotten stuck. Thank god. ...I did probably just jinx it.

 

They're very awkward for being the leader of a well-known superhero team, so if you catch them off-guard, they will panic. They also hyper-plan everything and are terrible at working on their feet.

He MASKS SO HARD. There are probably about a dozen different Simons that just kinda. appear sometimes. Customer Service Simon is the one that comes out of nowhere most often, and he always apologizes for it right after.

The major drawback of superspeed is their accelerated metabolism. If they don't consume enough calories to support this metabolism, they'll pass out, so they have to be careful about running long distances after battles or overworking themself.
- I d i d t h e f u c k i n g m a t h. (I actually did different math and then redid it, but I STILL DID MATH.) Our good buddy, Usain Bolt, greatest sprinter of all time, is a normal(ish) human man. His top speed is about 44 kmph (about 27 mph), and after doing some funky fresh math with his scarily accessible via Wikipedia height & weight, his Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) is 1978.75, meaning he needs to eat that many calories a day to just…not pass out (that doesn’t include actually doing things that burn calories). If we assume Simon can run at the speed of light (roughly 670.6 million mph), that means they can run almost 25 million times faster than Usain Bolt. With that considered, Simon needs to consume a little over 49 billion calories a day. HOWEVER. This is Simon. They never eat that many calories. They are constantly on the verge of passing out. Oops.

 

They like to draw, write, and sing, but they can't dance.

 

ISFJ & Chaotic Neutral

 

Gary Green (Legends of Tomorrow), Todd Chavez (Bojack Horseman), Vax’ildan (Critical Role), Raine Whispers (The Owl House)

 

It sounds like a cop-out, but they do really like pizza. Although it's half because they genuinely enjoy it and half because it's the easiest food for the team since everyone likes it.

 

Frogs.

 

Their powers

 

His sketchbook and his iPad.

 

dark red, goldenrod yellow, & forest green

 

Clue, Howl's Moving Castle, & Knives Out

 

Infinity Train & Adventure Time (and Fionna & Cake of course)

 

Superhero, although they do sell writing and art commission online.

 

Extremely liberal.

 

He doesn't really follow anything now, but he was raised Catholic.

From Q&A: Why did you leave Catholicism?
A: I left Catholicism 'cause I grew up Catholic and it was just really jarring when the church community I grew up in suddenly hated me when I came out. Bad vibes all around.

 

From Q&A:
Q: What is your biggest regret?
A: Not telling my parents about this whole superheroing gig before they passed. I wished they knew. My dad would have totally been the kind of dude to go, "that's my kid!" when he saw us on the news.

Q: Pineapple on pizza or no?
A: Not particularly? Mostly because I just don't like pineapple.

Q: What's your greatest achievement?
A: Greatest achievement is definitely getting this team together. I'm so proud of each and every one of us.

Q: Where do y'all see yourselves in like, 20 or 30 years?
A: I'd like to settle down at some point & have kids, so maybe retired from superheroing and just hanging out with my kiddos.

 

April 28

 

He was born in Stockholm, NY & now lives in Jersey City in the League base.

 

He graduated college with a degree in Arts Management.

 

They figured out they weren't straight in middle school when they developed a huge crush on a girl in their class. It never worked out with the girl, but they settled on "bisexual". They had the inkling that they weren't cis for a long time, but it wasn't until they were 17ish that they came out to their brothers & settled on they/he pronouns. They got top surgery mid-canon.

He discovered his powers when he was in college (age 19) mid-panic attack where both he and his roommate thought he was going to die. (He did not.)
- He was the last of the main ten characters to discover his powers, at 19, and he hated them when he first discovered them. After learning how they worked and finding out that Lucas was also a speedster, they were able to better enjoy their abilities.

More explanation on their backstory and starting the League in their playlist analysis.

 

They had a boyfriend in high school who was nasty, but they also had massive friend issues, so they definitely didn't have time or mental energy for dating beyond that.
At some point, he & Sarah had talked about possibly dating, but the two of them knew it wouldn't work out.
They did try to date again in college, but it ended horribly and they received their powers right after they broke up.
Especially post-powers, they were constantly terrified that they'd physically hurt someone. Dean, however, made it very clear that he did. not. care. if Simon hurt him with their powers.
He's now currently dating Dean, CJ, & Henry.

 

Both of their parents died of natural causes within the past couple of years, but Simon had a relatively good relationship with them. They also have two brothers: one older (Anthony) & one younger (Jesse), who occasionally visit the base.

 

He's the team leader & founder of the League.

 

They're not entirely favored by the public, especially after they came out in a press conference.

 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/35w4KA13rekUGrQiDHgDfG?si=0956dc3fdd744364

 

Their playlist covers when they first enter college to the present story.

Change gives the best description we can of their mindset from about 17-19. They definitely weren't doing...well in their late teens, so they turned mostly to self-isolation & copious amounts of caffeine in an attempt to avoid drugs and alcohol (due to good ol' fashioned trauma). As they continued into college, their mental status dipped even further (Spaceship, summer depression, Look Who's Inside Again) and they started doubting their abilities even more (Average). Even when they tried to put himself out there and date again for the first time since high school, it wasn't ending well (She Wants Me (To Be Loved)).
The friends he'd had since high school started bearing down on him, and he was putting way more into his friendships than he was getting out (This Life I Have, Touch-Tone Telephone, cold weather). His new-found girlfriend sure wasn't helping either, especially considering her...less than appealing views about being in her first ever queer relationship (Out Like a Light, Last Young Renegade, Lent, The Passenger). He finally made the terrifying decision to cut himself off from all of them in pursuit of better friends, which did hurt him much more than he expected it to, without hurting them much at all (This Bird Has Flown).
This, of course, hurt their mental health even more, although they knew it would help them in the long run (Francis Forever). This was when they got their powers, and while on the verge of what they thought was death (Misery Fell), they were able to remember that they do want to live and thrive and help people. Slowly, they got back on their feet, reconnected with childhood friends Sarah and Lucas, and started getting used to their newfound powers (Smokey Eyes, My Life, I'm Still Standing).
Starting the League with Sarah did start a little rocky, especially considering the horrible first impression with new teammate Peter (Good Rhymes for Bad Times, The Sound of Silence - Electric Version, Mad World, Here's the Thing), but they did somehow manage with the power of angry banter. Unfortunately, he took too much responsibility too fast and immediately worked himself into the ground (Chase It!, Run Boy Run), but unlike his high school friends, Sarah, Lucas, and new friend & teammate Chloe actually helped him out of his burnout and the League began to grow and thrive.
Finding Dean was somehow exactly what they needed, although they never would've sought him out on their own (Lo-Fi Children). He had been through so much, and yet didn't expect Simon to be able to fix all his problems. Once they started dating and Dean officially joined the team, minus the fact that they "force" Peter to take a leave of absence (Caught in the Middle), their mental health seemed to greatly improve (Love Runs Out, Damn Good Times).
Simon continued to grow into his new, much more confident, persona when CJ and Henry joined the team, especially when they all began dating (Tongue Tied, Kids In America). Unfortunately, the world sucks and the general public unfortunately did not particularly favor learning that their favorite New Jersey/New York superheroes were capital-Q Queer (Born2Run). Simon...didn't really give a shit and kicked ass anyway (Wrecking Ball). Present day, he's thriving, looking forward to the future of his team and his loves, ready to take anything the world throws at him (Slow Motion, Time in a Bottle).

 

Change by Djo
“In a conversation, but my mind is out the back door. Watching this unfold like I am floating right above it. Jake is on his phone and I'll admit that I don't love it. I just said that when my friends moved here I'd interact more. Who am I to judge? I just detach, that might be harder. Harder not to tell you man, what's really going on. In a conversation and I'm looking right down on it, then you pull my body back and whisper in my ear.”
Spaceship by Art Sorority
“Think about your friends, think about your other friends thinking about you when they can, probably wondering what happened to you. Can't return a call, skipping every breakfast. He tried to be a writer but instead he only fact-checks. Out of shape and uninspired. You force down salad and you just feel tired and wake up every day and spend it from the get-go, chewing on your thumb and staring out the window.”
summer depression by girl in red
“I don't care, I'm feeling down. I wanna stay home, never go outside. Summer depression comes every year. I just want to disappear.”
Look Who’s Inside Again by Bo Burnham
“Well, well, look who's inside again. Went out to look for a reason to hide again. Well, well, buddy, you found it. Now come out with your hands up, we've got you surrounded.”
Average by Sushi Soucy
“God, it’s so hard to be good for your age, when you know that your work’s not good enough for the stage. You got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise, and your whole damn career just turns into a phase, and the fire in your heart is beginning to fade.”
She Wants Me (To Be Loved) by The Happy Fits
“One day you'll love me before we grow old. All of your wishes to have and to hold. I'll do your dishes and ask for no kisses, so, I'll tell you what I want if you tell me what you want is. Quit movin', quit dancin'. Why can't you love me here tonight?”
This Life I Have by The Wrecks
“I hate my life, I hate my friends, I hate the way the Notebook ends. I hate my job, I hate my car, I hate the cute girls at the bar. I hate my band, I hate my songs, I hate the kids who sing along. But worst of all, you made me hate the things I love.”
Touch-Tone Telephone by Lemon Demon
“I try to call you every day, I'm rehearsing what to say when the truth comes out of my very own mouth. I've been working on a unified theory. If I make it through tonight, everybody's gonna hear me out.”
cold weather by glass beach
“I wanna say I think it's OK if we just don't both feel the same way, but I feel like we're more than just friends 'cause it took six sad months to realize I didn't miss the cold weather, I just missed you, and I didn't miss the sweater weather, I just missed you.”
Out Like a Light by The Honeysticks
“Did your mother always seem to hate me? I'm sicker every day and now I'm terrified of talking to my friends only to stay still dreaming of our first born and your hair covered in popcorn. You never leave, you never leave, you never leave, you leave me up tight strung up like a kite. Dumb, wicked, and white. Love me in spite. If I betray our lonely nights spent out like a light with no kiss goodnight. Would we ever fight when I'm away?”
Last Young Renegade by All Time Low
“You said you're sick and tired of it, it. But I need you morning, night, and day. I miss you every single way-ay-ay. We said forever but forever wouldn't wait for us. You were my last young renegade heartache. It only took one night. Caught in the eye of a hurricane, darling, we had to say goodbye.”
Lent by Autoheart
“I'll pack it in, pack it in. Never smoke anything, never eat anything that will compromise my health, and, baby that means you, too. That means you.”
The Passenger by Iggy Pop
“I'm a passenger. I stay under glass. I look through my window so bright. I see the stars come out tonight. I see the bright and hollow sky over the city's rip in the sky, and everything looks good tonight.”
This Bird Has Flown by The Ghost Club
“So let these fools run free to be the ones they want to be. These chains, they're falling off all over me. My friends, I hope you get to see that I don't need your pleas and empty, cold apologies. Your friends just haven't been real friends to me. It's time for me to spread my wings.”
Francis Forever by Mitski
“I don't know what to do without you. I don't know where to put my hands. I've been trying to lay my head down, but I'm writing this at three AM. I don't need the world to see that I've been the best I can be, but I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me.”
Misery Fell by Tally Hall
“Why, oh why? This town without love, too much faith in above. Can you feel the force that it brings not to worry 'bout things? Just the stars in the sky all enjoying their time with a hope for peace. First thing they do is to substitute pleasure for pain. Helping themselves figure out there's so much they can gain. The bad guys surrender their chemistry books at the fair. Oh, well, then frolic and take in the love that persists everywhere.”
Smokey Eyes by Lincoln
“Sticky thighs, are you wild now or just a memory? Some people want to be your friend. Some people just want to be free, and the worst thing about me is that I’m somewhere in between. I might miss you, but I’m still trying to get clean. So help me make amends with all my friends. Most other people are just dead ends. There’s nothing worse than making friends.”
My Life by Billy Joel
“I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright. I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home. I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life leave me alone.”
I’m Still Standing by Elton John
“Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I’m still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”
Good Rhymes for Bad Times by Bears In Trees
“I've never had satisfaction in the chemical reactions that happen in my head. There are faults in these cracks; they send volts then relax then realize the wrong message was sent. It's disillusion, and confusion, this illusion of me. Through solemn seclusion (and my neurons' delusion), I've come to this conclusion that I'll never fully be.”
The Sound of Silence - Electric Version by Simon & Garfunkel
“Hello darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again, because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.”
Mad World by Tears For Fears
“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles, it's a very, very mad world, mad world.”
Here’s the Thing by Sports Team
“Here's the thing, if you smile enough then everybody smiles. Here's the thing, if you work a little harder, you'll get by. Here's the thing, or you can trust a man who wears a suit and tie. It's all just lies, lies, lies, lies. Here's the thing, if your parents worked to earn it, then it's yours. Here's the thing, if you're barely getting by, then that's your fault. Here's the thing, everything in life is fair and that's the rules. It's all just lies, lies, lies, lies.”
Chase It! by Set It Off
“This is a race that I will not lose; I’ll chase it ‘til my legs give out.”
Run Boy Run by Woodkid
“Run boy run! The sun will be guiding you. Run boy run! They're dying to stop you. Run boy run! This race is a prophecy. Run boy run! Break out from society.”
Lo-Fi Children by Wild Party
“Guaranteed chemistry. I'm not lying, only dying, spending time without you's cheap. Nothing's free If we meet someday, we'll never need to change the beat of growing streets, no place can urbanize our lives. It'd make my night to get to know your way around the block. I'll leave it up to you.”
Caught in the Middle by Paramore
“And I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. I try to keep going but it's not that simple. I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle. Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter. Yeah, I'm caught in the middle. No, I don't need no help, I can sabotage me by myself. I don't need no one else, I can sabotage me by myself.”
Love Runs Out by OneRepublic
“I got my mind made up and I can't let go. I'm killing every second 'til it sees my soul. I'll be running, I'll be running ‘til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out.”
Damn Good Times by They Might Be Giants
“I know a girl who's a natural dancer. With a cape and a hat she's a natural dancer. She coughs and she laughs and she makes a lot of calls, and all of the people applaud as she leaves the store.”
Tongue Tied by Grouplove
“Take me to your best friend's house. I loved you then and I love you now. Don't take me tongue tied. Don't wave no goodbye.”
Kids In America by Kim Wilde
“Hotshot, give me no problems. Much later, baby, you'll be saying nevermind. You know life is cruel, life is never kind. Don't make a new story, don't grab any glory. We're the kids in America, whoa.”
Born2Run by Penelope Scott
“Are you really gonna save the world like that with your tits half out on instagram? I mean yeah motherfucker that was always the plan, I'm gonna wear this shit to congress, man. So hop off my dick 'cause this whole thing makes me feel sick. And you're mean to kids, why can’t you just quit picking on them?”
Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother
“You gotta want to be the drummer in the band. You gotta want to be a battering ram. You gotta see the artistry in tearing the place apart with me, baby. I am unruly in the stands, I am a rock on top of the sand, I am a fist amidst the hands, and I break it just because I can.”
Slow Motion by Saint Motel
“I want you, an addiction, 'cause without you, there's something missing. I love it, it just feels right. Yeah, don't move, no. It kinda looks like slow motion, when you're in the room. Slow motion, the way that you move.”
Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce
“If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to save every day 'til eternity passes away just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true, I'd save every day like a treasure, and then again, I would spend them with you.”

 

Average - Sushi Soucy

 

alternative & indie rock (The Happy Fits, Bo Burnham, Paramore, They Might Be Giants, etc.)

 

Simon: We’re screwed.
CJ: Hey now. I don’t wanna hear that attitude! I wanna hear some positivity!
Simon with a smile: We’re screwed!

Simon: Keep an eye on Jack today. CJ said he’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Chloe: Sure, I’d love to see Jack get punched.
Simon: Try again.
Chloe: I will stop Jack from getting punched.

Simon: What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?
Jack: Well first of all, his name is Peter, and secondly, he doesn’t like being called a thing.

Simon: Dean I love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dean: I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you?
Simon: yep
Dean: ...I’m sorry

Simon: My boyfriend is too tall to kiss.
CJ: Punch him in the stomach then when he leans over in pain, kiss him.
Henry: Tackle him.
Chloe: Dump him.
Jules: Kick him in the shin.
Dean: NO TO ALL OF THOSE, JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

Simon: it’s kinda cold
Dean, handing them his flannel: here
Henry: it’s kinda cold
CJ: well DAMMIT HENRY I CAN'T CONTROL THE WEATHER

Simon: why is your back all scratched up?
Dean: (flashes back to when he chased a raccoon after Simon told him not to)
Dean: I’m having an affair

CJ: I had three rice krispie treats and a tic tac for breakfast
Simon: in no way is that healthy

Simon: We should stop worrying about Logan and let him lead his own life
CJ:
Simon:
CJ: Do you want to follow him or should I?
Simon: Let’s both do it

Marie: So lemme get this straight
Sarah: more like let me run this bi you
CJ: Let’s just see how this pans out
Ava: Let’s ace-ess the situation
Simon: In fluid motions
Jack: I’m gay
Peter: unintelligible screaming

Simon: Are you alright? You didn’t sleep at all last night.
CJ: I got a solid eight minutes.
CJ: Not consecutively, but it’s fine. You’re not even that blurry.

[at disney world, in the teacups]
Sarah, Logan, Henry: spinning a little and talking
Simon, Chloe, CJ, Lucas, Dean: flying past them spinning as fast as they can while screaming at the tops of their lungs

Simon: 80% exhaustion, 10% sarcasm, 20% don’t care
Dean: that’s 110%
Simon: 20% don’t care
Dean: should’ve seen that coming

CJ: Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?
Simon: I’m a knife.
Dean from across the room: They’re a little spoon.

Chloe: If Pinocchio said “my nose will grow right now”, what would happen?
Sarah: The word “nun” is just the letter n doing a cartwheel
Lucas: Surgery is just stabbing someone into life instead of death
Simon: If you sweat in a sweater, aren’t you the sweater?
CJ: if you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Dean: I hate all of you

Peter: walks into a room
Simon: Buckle up, buttercup, you just flipped my bitch switch.

Simon: I wish I could block people in real life.
CJ: A restraining order.
Dean: Murder.

Simon: Don’t let another person ruin your day.
Simon: Ruin your own damn day.

Sarah: Learn how to be the bigger person.
Simon: I’m 5’3”, I’m never the bigger person!

Sarah: I have to ground you. I am grounding you. You are grounded.
Simon: What if the Legion’s out again?
Sarah: Fine. Other than that. And no laptop.
Simon: My laptop’s broken.
Sarah: Then I’ll take your phone.
Simon: I might need my phone if the Legion captures me.
Sarah: Then no...uh…
Sarah: glances at Dean No Dean.
Simon: What? No Dean?
Sarah: NO DEAN!

Simon: How did you even find me?
Dean: I thought “Where are they?” And then I saw the explosion.

Henry: quietly to CJ I’m going to kill you
CJ: W-What?
Henry: Isn’t that what people say when they care about each other?
CJ: No! Who showed you that?
Henry: Well, I-
Simon: randomly running in WHERE’S DEAN!? I'M GONNA KILL HIM
CJ:
CJ: Nevermind

Sarah: You know what I need?
Simon: To be accepted
Saundra: To be listened too
CJ: To be allowed to be sad
Sarah: …
Sarah: I was gonna say a back massage and maybe a nap are you guys ok?

Simon: You were hurt, what do you remember?
Dean: Just the ambulance ride.
Simon: We didn’t take an ambulance, Sarah drove us.
Dean: But I heard a siren.
Sarah: That was CJ.
CJ: I was panICKING.

Dean: We have fun, don’t we Simon?
Simon: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Simon: CJ has zero self preservation or survival skills. Sometimes I think she was just born without them.
Sarah: I’m sure that’s not true everyone ha-
Simon: Watch this. Hey CJ I’ll race you downstairs!
CJ: jumps out a two story window

CJ: Henry and I do not have nicknames for each other.
Simon: Uh huh...hey, you know what bees make, right?
CJ: Honey?
Henry, from the other room: Yes darling?
Simon: Don’t lie to my face ever again.

Simon: Listen up you little shits.
Simon: Except you Logan.
Simon: You’re an angel and we’re thrilled to have you.

Henry: CJ, I’m so happy. I could kiss you!
CJ: ...neat.
later
CJ: I can’t believe I said neat.
Simon: Don’t beat yourself up. Everyone gets nervous sometimes.
Simon: Remember what happened when Dean first said he loved me?
CJ: Didn’t you thank him?
Simon: I thanked him.

Madeline: My team’s diet is entirely organic.
Simon: That’s cool. My team eats candy off the floor.

CJ: Hey Simon? Can I get some dating advice?
Simon: Just ‘cause I’m with Dean doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

Dean: I hate you.
Simon: I hate me too.
Dean: Babe no we talked about this.

Simon and CJ: watching the neighborhood kids play
CJ: Look at them having fun, they’re so happy.
Simon: Yeah.
Simon: How long until they lose the will to live?
CJ: I don’t remember ever having one
Simon: Me neither, those kids are doomed

Dean: accidentally hits Simon in the face
Dean's Mind: debating whether or not to say “I’m so fucking sorry” And “Are you ok”
Dean's Mouth: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?
Simon: *confused and injured W-What?

Sarah: Goodbye Simon!
Sarah: And goodbye Simon’s-boyfriend!
Simon: She knows your name, I swear.

Ava: Would you stop accusing me of having a favorite league member?
Ava: I like Simon and all you non-Simons equally

Simon: Did Dean just tell me he loved me for the first time?
CJ: Yup.
Simon: And did I just do finger guns back?
CJ: Yeah you did.

Simon: Is something burning..?
Dean: leaning seductively against the counter Just my desire for you.
Simon: Dean the toaster is on fire.

Simon: on a hunt with Dean
Dean: salting and burning bones
Dean: silent
Simon: Get roasty toasty, Mr. McGhosty.

Simon: at 2 am I should bake a cake.

CJ & Henry: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3 am to look at the stars.
Simon & Dean: If anyone, and I mean ANYONE, wakes me up at 3 am to look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

Simon: crying while watching a movie
CJ:
CJ: yeets the TV out the window
Simon:
CJ: Do you feel better?

Simon: I don’t really like people, but you’re okay I guess.
Dean: …
Dean: We’re married.

Simon: laughs at something
Simon: Okay, back to suffering.

Simon: Hey CJ, when was the last time you slept?
CJ: Sometime in Decembruary.
Simon, extremely concerned: what

Simon, pointing at Dean: dis a hunter
Simon, pointing at Sarah: dis a friendo
Simon, pointing at CJ: dis a lovely
Simon, pointing at Henry: dis a fabulous
Simon, pointing at themself: disappointment
Sarah: SIMON NO

Dean on a hunt: Holy shit, a hellhound!
Simon: Dean, what did we say about language?
Dean: Holy shit, a heckhound!

CJ: It’s a little muggy today…
Henry: I swear if all the mugs are outside I’m leaving you
Simon: sips coffee out of a bowl

Sarah: You know that could kill you right?
Cj: high as a kite that’s the point
Simon and Dean: Drunk as fuck we’re trying to speed things up
Henry: eating raw cookie dough and nodding

Sarah: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha voca do”, how are you feeling?
Lucas: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Simon?
Simon: Probably “road work ahead”.

Henry: CJ come cuddle with me please while we watch the Lion King
CJ: Oh well, I do love that movie.
they begin staring romantically at each other while Can You Feel The Love Tonight plays
Dean: Simon, can I treat you to dinner?
Simon: Only if you promise to not drown it in hot sauce again.
they begin making dinner and eventually get in a cute food fight
Madeline, beating Peter with a broom: TAKE! A! SHOWER! YOU! DISGUSTING! CREATURE!
Peter, laughing and trying to kiss her: Only if you take it with me, sweetheart

Jack: It’s not gay if I wanna date Peter, but like as bros, right?
Lucas: I’m not an expert, but that does sound kind of gay.
Simon, eating chips: I’m an expert. That’s gay.

Simon: Grace’s at that age where she only has one thing on her mind.
Dean: Boys?
Grace: Homicide.

Dean: We’re lost.
Simon: Lost? As in “where the hell are we”?
Dean: We’re not totally lost. We’re still in the city.
Simon: You said this was a shortcut.
Dean: It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost!

Logan: Quick! To the panic room!
Simon: The base doesn’t have a panic room.
Logan: Any room can be a panic room if you panic hard enough.

Simon: I just got a new notebook, but I don’t know what to do with it. I am now taking suggestions.
Lucas: Put spaghetti in it.
Simon: I am now taking suggestions from everyone except Lucas.
Chloe: Put spaghetti in it.
Simon: I am now taking suggestions from everyone except the two of you.
Sarah: Put spaghetti in it.
Simon: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Simon: coughs
Sarah: don't die
Simon: Don’t tell me what to do

Simon: That’s it. It’s over. We won.
Madeline: standing up slowly behind them
Simon: nope that’s it we won I’m not turning around

Peter: Why Does?? Everyone blame me?? For things?? That go wrong??
Simon: Because they're usually your fault you helium snorting unkind leg jet

Simon after a battle: Can somebody get me to a hospital?
Simon: If you need to know, my blood type is red.

CJ: What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?
Simon, extremely seriously: Putting my earbuds in my pocket.
CJ: Wait really? That’s it?
Simon: Nah, it was ever caring about Peter. That guy’s a piece of shit.

Simon: I have a bad feeling about this.
Henry: What do you mean?
Simon: Don’t you ever get that little voice in the back of your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?
Henry: No?
Simon: That actually explains so much.

Dean: Dating Tip: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other possible dates. Establish dominance.
Simon: Why are we still together?

CJ: Listen...the day you came to us was the happiest day of our lives.
Logan: You guys know I’m not actually your child, right?
Simon: What? That’s a horrible thing to say.
Logan: The truth?
CJ: Just because you’re adopted doesn’t mean you’re anything less than a son to us.
Logan: You didn’t adopt me. We met a few weeks ago. I’m 24 years old.
Sarah: Logan, don’t talk to your parent like that.

Dean: You’re everything I could ever want.
Simon: You must have depressingly low standards.

Sarah: sees Dean and Simon holding hands So who finally confessed?
Dean: With a proud smile It was me. I made sure it was short and sweet.
Simon: You yelled, “Listen here you little shit I have feelings for you and it’s about time you acknowledge them.”
Sarah: ...
Simon: From the roof
Dean: It worked though

Simon: I have an emotional problem
CJ:
CJ: sticks a bandaid on their head

CJ: Let’s do something social!
Simon: as long as it doesn’t involve other people, sure

CJ: This is my boyfriend Henry, he’s so strong and lovely and I love him so much
Simon: This is my spectacular boyfriend Dean, he’s my hunter and he keeps me going through the day
Madeline: This is Peter and he has rabies

Simon: You know when I was your age-
Dean: You know when I was your height…
Simon:
Simon: Listen-

Simon: Hey. How you doing well I’m doing just fine
Simon: I lied I’m dying inside
Simon: finger guns

Simon: Tell them the definition of burgeoning
CJ: Burgeoning. One who burgeons in a field. One who likes to burgeon themselves
Simon: So glad I paid for all your improv lessons

Simon: Dean thinks I’m stupid because I keep eating the engagement rings he puts in my dessert
Simon: Little does he know, I’m the smartest and most well fed jewel thief of all time

Simon:
Simon: inhales
Simon: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dean: comes in, gets peanut butter off of the high shelf and hands it to them
Simon: Thanks babe

Dean: I love you
Simon, trying not to tear up: Ha sucks for you bitch

Simon: Isn’t fall a great season?
CJ: No
Simon: Why?
CJ: Because you slowly start to wear more clothes

Simon: So you’re taking CJ on a date huh?
Henry: Yep
Simon: You hurt them and I’ll staple dead birds to your car
Henry: …

Simon: What do we say when we think like this?
Sarah: More espresso less depresso

Dean: How are you feeling?
Simon: I have a headache that comes and goes
Jack: Yo
Simon: Here it comes

Simon: You deserve a reward for putting up with me
Dean: You are my reward
Madeline: You deserve a reward for putting up with me
Peter: Hell yeah I do, you’re a real bitch sometimes

Simon: I’m mad at you too
Dean: Me? Why?
Simon: I don’t know yet, I just am

Teacher: Can you please tell the class why you’re late?
Simon: Somebody told me to go to hell.
Simon: I couldn’t find it but now I’m here.

Dean: We look cute together
Simon: I look cute with everyone

Simon: If I run and jump at Dean, he will most certainly catch me in his arms
Simon, running full speed at Hothost: INCOMING
Dean: NO! I’M HOLDING MY BEER-!
Dean: Drops his beer and catches Simon

Chloe: If you took a shot every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
CJ: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Simon: Drunk
Dean: Wasted
Jason: Dead

Dean: You look like my first spouse
Simon: Oh, you’ve been married before?
Dean, smirking: No.
Simon: Awkward sputtering

Simon: We have to get to the hospital and we gotta get there fast.
Lucas: Then I should drive
CJ: Why you?
Lucas: I have nothing to live for and I drive like it
Simon: Ok let’s do it
Later in the car
Everyone: Screaming

Simon, nudging Dean away at 4 am: Do you like me?
Dean: I married you
Simon: Yeah but did you marry me as a friend or as a husband? Unclear.

Lucas: Can someone just hire a hitman to kill me, please?
Simon: how bout I just be a hugman who hugs you

Sarah: What state do you live in?
Simon: Constant anxiety
CJ: Denial
Henry: Perfection
Julianna: New York!

Texting
Henry: I have a crush on someone and I don’t know how to handle it so i filled their car with heart shaped confetti
CJ: wait…
CJ: THAT WAS YOU???
Henry: shit
Henry: Who added you back to the group. Whoever it was, is dead.
Simon: quietly chucks their phone out the window

Simon: When I first met you, I didn’t like you
Jack: I’m aware of that
Simon: But then you and I had some time together.
Jack: Ok???
Simon: It did not get better

Simon: Permission to punch him in the face
Sarah, glaring at Peter: Permission denied, reluctantly

Peter: Gets down on one knee
Simon: Gasp It’s finally happening!
Peter: Falls over
Simon: The poison is kicking in!

Simon: You can’t make everyone like you, you’re not Sarah.
Lucas: Yeah but not everyone likes Sarah
Simon: WHO DOESN’T LIKE SARAH?
Lucas: No one I jus-
Simon, pulling out his gun: I NEED NAMES NOW

Dean: I’m off on a hunt
Simon: Forgetting something?
Dean: Oh yeah Kisses their head
Simon: I meant your wallet. mumbles But thank you

Simon: We had a bonding moment. I held you in my arms!
Lucas: Nope. Don’t remember. Didn’t happen.

Sarah: Supersuit? Check.
Simon: mask? Check.
CJ: Claws? Check.
Dean: bullets? Check.
Asia: I am? Asia.
Lucas: Hotel? Trivago.

Simon: EVERYTHING YOU DO IS GREAT AND I’M PROUD OF YOU.
Logan: You’re yelling nice things at me again and it’s very confusing

Dean: says anything
Simon: U lil bitch. U R lucky that I love u

Simon: This is Dean
Simon: My husband dean
Simon: Dean
Simon: My husband
Dean: I think they got it babe
Simon: Dean, my husband

Dean: You know, you’re really cute when you’re nice
Simon: What am I whenever I’m not nice?
Dean, inhales: Hot as fuck-

Simon: Ah yes, my train of thought.
Simon: Or as I like to call it, the anxiety express.

Lucas: Hey guys guess what I got!
Simon: A girlfriend?
Chloe: A real job?
Sarah: A friend your age?
Lucas: Nope!

Simon, to Henry: I dare you--
CJ: Henry’s not allowed to accept dares.
Simon: Why not?
Henry with his head down: I have no regard for my own personal safety.

Simon: I have a science headcanon.
Lucas: Why can’t you just say hypotheses like a normal person?
Simon: So my science headcanon is…

Peter: Over here, old friend! In case you’ve noticed, you’ve fallen right into my trap!
Simon: You can’t trap justice! It’s an idea, a belief!
Peter: Even the most heartfelt belief can get corroded over time!
Simon: Justice is a non-corrosive metal!
Peter: But metals can be melted by the heat of revahnge!
Simon: It’s “revenge”, and it’s best served cold!
Peter: But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil!
Simon: Well, I think your warranty’s about to expire!
Peter: Maybe I got an extended warranty!
Simon: Warranties are invalid if used beyond their intended purpose!
Jack, tied to a chair: Girls, girls, you’re both pretty! Can I go home now?

Simon: What is the ONE thing I told you not to do?
Dean: Burn the house down.
Simon: And what did you do?
Dean: Made you dinner!
Simon: …
Dean: ...and burned the house down.

Sarah: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life.
Chloe: It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back.
Dean: Oh wow! My childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!
Logan: My will to live! I can’t even remember when I last had this.
Lucas: I knew I lost my potential somewhere!
Simon: Mental stability, my old friend!
Henry: Guys, could you lighten up a little?

Simon: Can you recommend any books that made you cry?
CJ: General Mathematics 6th Edition

CJ: SI
Simon: WHAT
CJ: I'm feeling homicidal.
Simon: Did you say homicidal or suicidal?
CJ: Homicidal.
Simon: Good. Keep it that way.

Sarah when the League first started: For self-defense purposes, I’m gonna pretend to be a villain, and you guys have to act wisely.
Simon: Okay.
Chloe: Sure.
Sarah: If you want to live, give me your money!
Simon: Bold of you to assume I have money.
Chloe: Bold of you to assume I want to live.

CJ: I am gonna say it. Public school is kind of a letdown.
Dean: Not a fan of the classes?
Chloe: Homework got you down?
Sarah: The early wake-up?
CJ: The lack of spontaneous singing and dancing.
Dean, Chloe, and Sarah: …
Henry and Simon: I know, right?!

CJ: Some guy is fistfighting a vending machine.
Simon: Haha, what an idiot.
CJ: He keeps screaming that he needs that Snickers.
Simon: Wait, I told Dean to...oh god it’s my idiot.

Simon: You know, I’m glad we’re keeping our anniversary simple this year
Dean: Ha Ha me too!
Dean: frantically waves off marching band

Simon: I want a divorce!
Dean: We’re not even married!
Simon: aND WHOS FAULT IS THAT?!

Sarah: I bet you have a crush on Dean
Simon: Ha the only crush I have is crushing anxiety
Sarah:
Simon: ...and on Dean

Simon: People often ask if I’m a girl or a boy
Simon: And I always say the same thing
Simon: How dare you speak to me

Dean: I feel terrible
Simon: Maybe you should–
Dean: sleeps three hours, eats half a meal per day, randomly goes on walks at 4AM
Simon: What the fuck

Simon: What was that noise?
Dean: Probably just the wind moving through the trees.
Simon: But there’s no trees around the base.
Dean: Fair enough. Then I guess someone is trying to murder me...again.

Simon: I guess you could say I’ve...fallen for you. winks
CJ: You literally just rolled down an entire flight of stairs, how are you even alive?

Simon: Are you ok?
Asia: Yeah why?
Simon: I mean I just watched you slip down a couple of stairs, lay on the floor for a minute, and then start singing the baby shark song
Asia: Your point?

Dean: I'm in love with you.
Simon: That's a terrible idea.
Dean: Yeah, I have a lot of those.

Dean: Oh no Simon’s unconscious!
Simon: cracks open their eyes
Dean: I’m going to give them mouth to mouth!
Simon: closes eyes

at Simon and Dean’s wedding
Sarah: If anyone has a reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
CJ: bursts through the double doors I’m in love with Simon!
Henry: slides in through fire exit I’m in love with Dean!
Sarah: sprints in through the room behind the altar I never signed the divorce papers! I’m still married to Simon!
Chloe: yeets in through window Freeze! You’re all under arrest!
Becky: shouts casually from the congregation That suit is too hideous to get married in.
Simon: presses palms together, fingertips to lips First off: Becky, fuck you.

CJ: I sent good vibes your way.
CJ: They’re coming.
CJ: There’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Simon: ...this is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Dean at the beginning of Time For A Bit of Improvisation: …What the fuck is that?
Simon: That’s a cat.
Dean: I assure you, that is very much not a cat.

Sarah: I was gone for five minutes, and you’ve already knocked someone out, and you didn’t even try to stop them! Are either of you going to explain yourselves?!
Simon: ...To be fair, they were genuinely a shitty person.
Chloe: Incredibly shitty.

Simon: Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Sarah: Very eloquent addition, thank you.

Simon: Would you be mad if I told you that I sold my soul for a chocolate cake?
CJ: ...How good was the cake?

Simon: Dean, I love you dearly, but you’re a fucking idiot.
Dean: …That’s fair.

Simon: ...I think you can stop now.
Dean: I just want to be sure.
Simon: You shot them thirty eight times in the head, or what’s left of it. Trust me, they’re very very dead.

Dean: Where’s the nail gun?
Simon: I don’t know, the basement probably.
Dean: Awesome, thanks.
Simon: …why do you want the nail gun?
Dean: Don’t worry about it.
Simon: That...that doesn’t help.

Simon: Hey, can you teach me to shoot a gun?
Dean: I didn’t think you were the murder-type.
Simon: Oh shit no, it’s not for that.
Dean: Then why do you need to learn how to fire a gun?
Simon: Carnival game.
Dean: ...what.
Simon: A carnival game. There’s a prize in one of the stalls and I need it.
Dean: You know you can buy those prizes for cheap online right?
Simon: I can’t do that.
Dean: Why not?
Simon: It’s a matter of pride.

Simon: Is there a particular reason your hair's on fire?
Lorna: Puberty.
Simon: Ah.

Sarah: I hope you two have an explanation for this.
Simon: Actually, we have three.
CJ: Pick your favorite.

Simon, a gen Z kid, in a casual conversation: Yeah, I saw Chloe beat the shit out of someone. What a mood. We stan a king. My wig has been snatched. They just yeeted him.
Dean, a frustrated millennial who is coping with the fact that his sense of nihilism has been matched: What does that even mean?
Sarah, trying to connect with the youths: That means that Chloe has big dick energy

Dean, after two bottles of vodka: If all catterpillars are gay, then when they turn into butterflies its them “Coming out.”
Simon: Please go to sleep
Dean, halfway through another bottle: But think about it
Chloe: Please just SHUT UP

Lucas: You can never lose an argument if you say “Shut up, nerd” at the end of it
Simon: Yes you can
Lucas: Shut up, nerd

CJ: I drink to forget...but I always remember
Simon: That’s apple juice bro

Simon: Get up, we’re leaving.
Lucas: Where are we going?
Simon: To save the world
Lucas: Oh is that all?

Simon: Our teammate is in danger
Lucas: What are you talking about, Sarah is right here
Simon: I hate to break it to you
Simon: But we have more teammates

Jack: Marie’s death wasn’t natural
CJ: Where are you going with this?
Dean: Isn’t it obvious, Cas? He thinks one of us killed her.
Simon:
Sarah:
CJ: You do!
Jack: No-
Sarah: How could you think that?
Jack: Guys come on
Simon: Great job Jack. Way to lead. Leaves
Jack: That’s not what I‘m-
CJ: You’re crazy. You’re crazy man
Jack: I’m not finished
CJ: Sorry I’m just gonna go murder Lucas be right back Leaves
Jack: I didn’t. Sarah-
Sarah: Leaves
Jack: Well...that went well

Simon: Grace said a bad word today.
Dean: Where the fuck did she learn that?

Simon and Dean: loudly screaming
Dean: HOLY SHIT!
Simon: THAT'S A DEAD BODY!
Dean: WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND?
Simon: WHAT? THIS IS NOT THE TIME!
Dean: THEN WHEN IS?
Simon: NOT NOW!
Dean: I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU SIMON.

Simon: bursts into the room
Simon: WHO’S READY TO WATCH ME EAT A SHITTON OF CANDY CORN AND IMITATE A SUGAR COMA?
Henry: IT'S SEPTEMBER, YOU HEATHEN.

Simon: Settle in.
CJ: I'm settled.
Simon: The other day.
CJ: Uh huh.
Simon: I coughed, but it sounded like a sneeze.
CJ: Woah.
Simon: So someone turned to me and said “bless you.”
Simon: Then I turned to them, and I said…
Dean: Lemme guess. You said, “you too.”
Simon: No.
Simon: I said: “Oil me up daddy, it's dinner time, and I'm a little soup boy, chompa chompa.”

Dean: Simon, I need the-
Simon: hands him his tablet
Dean: Oh, also, I didn’t have a chance to-
Simon: hands him coffee
Dean: Marry me?
Simon: I took care of that too. We've been married for the last seven years.

CJ: August, September, Halloween, November, December.
Simon: I think you mean August, September, Halloween, Turkey, Christmas.
Dean: I believe it's spelled Hot As Balls, Fuck It's School Again, Halloween, Turkey, Christmas.
Lucas: Don't forget New Years, Forever Alone, Windy As Fuck, Shit It's Raining, Allergies, Hey It's Decent Oh Wait Nevermind
Chloe: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Simon: I don’t even know how I’m feeling right now
CJ: Try describing it
Simon: high pitched screaming

CJ: Ah Simon there you are. You speak Spanish right?
Simon: A little ? ...Why
CJ: Splendid! It’s Shakira night and Henry and I are tired of coming in second.
Simon:
Simon: I’ll get my keys

Henry: Hello my darling friends, guess who just got
Henry: ☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・INJURED °☆.。.:・°☆.。.:
Simon: Obviously I hope you're okay, but I want you to know that's the most in-character thing you've ever said.

Simon: What if I’m not actually bi? What if I’ve been faking it for attention this whole time?
CJ: … We’ve been married for two years
CJ: We own two cats and a dog
CJ: We live together
CJ: And we were literally in the middle of making out before you interrupted with that thought
CJ: So I think it might just be your anxiety talking, babe

Simon: Do you mind if I play some music?
Uber Driver: Not at all, go ahead
Simon, pulling out a French horn: Do you like Veggie Tales?

Simon: I was the only person at Peter's side when he fell off that ladder and lost his life. And I will never forget his last haunting words
CJ: What did he say?
Simon: “Stop shaking the fucking ladder, you piece of shit.”

Simon: I hope I die in my sleep
Simon: I hope I die on a sheep
Lucas: this is the worst bedtime story

Simon: :(
Dean: God fucking damnit just take my entire bank account just please for the love of god never do that again

Dean: Did it hurt?
Simon: Yes
Dean: Wait Simon aren’t you supposed to-
Simon: Everything hurts

CJ: I’d kill for you. Please. Ask me to kill for you.
Simon: No

Simon, T-posing: I am Schrödinger’s gay.
Dean: They mean they're bi.

CJ: Hi, I'm CJ! And you are?
Simon, deadpan: Gay.

Simon at 3am: You believe in stars? Fools. Those are holes poked in the container so we can breathe.

Simon: I'm having problems with a boy.
Chloe: “His dead body won't fit in the trunk of my car” problems or “I like him” problems?
Simon: …”I like him” problems.

Literally Any Actually-Evil™️ Legion Member: Come back here and die like a man!
Simon: I’m nonbinary!
Literally Any Actually-Evil™️ Legion Member: Then come back here and die like a bitch!

Dean: I'm not any good for you.
Simon: Sit down and let me give you my thirty slide PowerPoint presentation about how you’re wrong. Spoiler: pages 2 through 29 are just different ways of me saying I’m needy and I love you.
Dean: And the other two slides?
Simon: An introduction slide and a ‘thanks for watching’ slide, I'm not some animal.

Chloe: What’s the scariest thing you can think of?
Sarah: The people I love getting hurt!
Simon: Being a burden and annoying the people I love.
Dean: Eventually not being able to do what I love.
Lucas: The sun’s inevitable explosion happening sooner than expected.
Noah: Geese.
Everyone: What!? Why!?
Noah: Because those little fuckers will fight and I can barely open a pickle jar. They will end up killing me.

Dean: You'd honestly be a pretty good hunter.
Simon: Really?
Dean: Yeah. hands them a gun
Simon: proceeds to drop it
Dean: ...never mind.

CJ: I’m really good at hiding my feelings
Simon: Hey-
CJ: I need to gay
CJ: I mean go

Dean: What do you think about a spring wedding? It won't be too cold or too warm, and the flowers will all be blooming again.
Simon: ...Dean, we're not engaged.
Dean: …
Dean: Well shit.
Dean: Knew I forgot to do something yesterday.

Dean: Synchronize your watches.
Henry: I don’t know how to do that.
CJ: I don’t have a watch.
Simon: Time is a construct.

Dean: I was attracted to you first.
Simon: Well, I confessed first.
Dean: Well, I asked you out first.
Simon: Well, I said I loved you first.
Dean: Oh. Well…
Dean: gets down on one knee
Dean: I proposed first.
Simon: wAIT WHAT

Simon, completely dead: stomp stomp stomp PAJAMS?
Dean: puts down coffee I'm sorry?
Simon:
Simon: stomps stomps stomps away
Simon: stomps stomps stomps back wearing only Dean’s shirt
Simon: PAJAMS!!
Dean: Why are we married

Henry: Okay so we’re playing 2 truths and a lie.
Simon: Awesome, I’ll go first.
Simon: My eyes are blue
Simon: I have a little brother
Simon: And once when I stood up for my girlfriend, a guy told me to go to hell and stop stealing his friend and proceeded to pretend I didn't exist for several weeks and only talked to me when he told me to stop antagonizing him. He then continued to pretend I didn't exist unless it was convenient.
Dean: Okay Simon, but it's gotta be a little harder than that–
CJ: Their eyes are brown
Dean:
Dean: wHAT

Simon: It doesn't matter, there's only four rules you need to remember
Simon: Make the plan
Simon: Execute the plan
Simon: Expect the plan to go off the rails
Simon:
Simon: Throw away the plan
Sarah: What’s the hardest thing to say?
Simon: I was wrong.
Dean: I need help.
Lucas: I’m sorry.
CJ: No.
Noah: Worcestershire sauce.

CJ: Hey Simon, you look good today.
Simon, thinking: Oh god, they just complimented me. What do I do? Do I say you too? No, that’s desperate. You’re not too bad yourself? No, too harsh. Think fast, Simon, think fast!
Simon: ...Merry Christmas! finger guns

Dean, drunk: If you water water, it grows.
Simon: ...what?
Henry, also drunk: Hold on, he’s onto something.

Henry: I only got five hours of sleep last night.
Simon: Ha, I only got three.
CJ: I didn't sleep at all.
Dean: stumbles into the kitchen, wearing stained sweatpants
Dean: pours coffee on the bottom of a mug
Dean: What day is it?

Simon: pure of heart, dumb of ass
Henry: pure of ass, dumb of heart
Dean: pure of dumb, thicc of ass
Logan: pure

Peter: You probably don’t have your facts straight
Simon: Motherfucker the facts are the only thing straight about me

Simon: I’ve been dropping subtle hints that I like Dean
Dean: enters
Simon: go away

Simon: What are you drinking?
Dean: Vodka
Simon: Straight?
Dean: No, bi
Simon: NOT YOU THE VODKA

Group of League Humans: Five things, five things, five things!
CJ: Five things you'd say in the bedroom!
Dean: Fuck!
Group of League Humans: One!
Henry: I'm ready!
Group of League Humans, laughing: Two!
Lucas: Where do I put it?
Group of League Humans, still laughing: Three!
Simon: Who the hell are you?
Group of League Humans: Four!
Noah: I'm not ready!
Group of League Humans: Five!

Xavier: The League? You're alive?
CJ: Yup! Thanks to Simon’s fancy driving! As soon as they saw your ray, they rolled the car over, dumping us all into the water, saving our lives.
Simon: Actually, that was totally an accident! I am not a great driver!

Julianna: So which one of you guys is the big spoon and which one is the little spoon?
Simon: Neither. We’re chopsticks.
Julianna: Aw, does that mean you nestle together perfectly?
Dean: No, it means when you take one of us away, the only thing the other one is good for is stabbing.

Henry: I'm sad:(
CJ: aw why?
Henry: I dunno, I just am.
CJ: say no more i'm on my way.
Henry: i love you🥺
VS
Simon: I'm sad:(
Dean: don’t be sad. bc sad backwards is das. and das not good.
Simon: can you like, shut the fuck up. please, that hurt. like a buttcheck on a stick kinda hurt.
Dean: shit that bad, I'm sorry babe.

Simon: What’s my sexuality? Well I guess you could say I don’t give any fucks
Dean: …
Dean: Is that your way of coming out as ace?
Simon: Yeah that’s pretty much all I got

Simon: My beautiful angel, I would cross oceans and mountains for you. I’d fly into the darkness if I knew it’d make you happy.
CJ: Can I have a chip?
Simon: I’m sorry, but these are, unfortunately, my chips.

Dean: Please, no. I love you.
Simon: I'm sorry, I have to.
Dean: Please, I'm begging you, after all we've been through?
Simon: I'm sorry.
Simon: places draw 4 wild on the deck
Simon: Uno.

CJ: I’m like a transformer, only I turn into an anxious disaster instead of a car.
Simon: But are you an autobot or a decepticon
CJ: A decepticon, I refuse to deal with the US government

Simon: Dramatically Where we’re going, we don’t need boats…
Simon: Proceeds to run into the ocean

Simon: Don’t worry, Dean, I’m fine
Dean: You got shot, Simon, you’re not fine
Simon: I’ve been shot before. So have you, right?
Dean: It's not like you built up an immunity to gunshot wounds

Henry: Who needs drugs? I'm high on life.
Lucas: Who needs life? I'm high on drugs.
CJ: Who needs high? I'm drug on life.
Asia: Who drugs high? I'm life on needs!
Chloe: Hi, I'm drugs, who— bursts out laughing
Simon with their finger guns: Life on needs.
Jason in the corner: Who needs drugs? Me.

Simon, trying and failing to flirt: Hey, are you lightning? Cuz you're ma queen. finger guns Catch ya later, alligator! Ka-chow! slams their head into the closest wall

Simon: I know we don’t always see eye to eye on things-
Dean: That’s because you’re short.
Simon:
Simon: I swear I’m going to punch the next person who jokes about my height.

Dean: If you found out you only had one day left to live, what would you do with it?
Sarah: Say goodbye and mend my relationships.
CJ: Something illegal.
Lucas: Accept my fate.
Simon: I would message ten people saying that if they didn’t forward the message to ten other people, I would die tomorrow.
Dean: What?
CJ: That’s freaking awesome. Can I change my answer?

CJ: Okay, well, we’ll log into Lucas’s computer, hit ‘forgot password’, and just answer his security questions.
Simon: Question 1: ‘What is God?’
CJ:
Simon:
CJ: Oh no.

Simon: favorite horror movie?
Dean: The Shining.
Henry: IT
CJ: After watching High School Musical I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I'd be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics.

Simon: I’m sorry babe, but if you didn’t want me to shout “HONEY WHERE ARE MY PAAAANTS?!” like in The Lego Movie every time I’m looking for my pants then maybe you shouldn’t have married me.

Marie: Guys?
Dean: Yeah?
Marie: I miss Peter
Simon: I don’t

Simon: So how's parenthood treating you?
Dean: Good. I didn’t expect this much crying though
Simon: Don’t worry it’s normal for babies
Dean: what? The baby’s fine. I was talking about Henry
Henry, sobbing from the nursery: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Dean: Who, Henry? Do I have a thing for him? No way!
Simon: …
Dean: ...why, did he say something?

Simon: using he/him pronouns for the day
Sarah: Today’s a Son day huh?
Simon: Yeah
Sarah: Huh I thought today was a Saturday not a Sunday

Simon: PRANKING DEAN BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM AND WANTING TO FOREVER BE HIS

Simon: Dear diary, today a bitch really tried it

Simon, eyes wide and a pout: Pleeease?
Dean: That's not fair and you know it
Simon: :D

Simon: I have the tea
Lucas: For the last time, it’s called a report
Simon: Do you want the tea or not?

Dean: I think you’re beautiful ;)
Simon: that’s your problem

Simon: The pain can’t catch me in animal crossing

Simon: Are you a cuddler?
Dean: Simon, I’ve been trained to kill since birth. I’m a literal machine of death and destruction.
Simon:
Dean: God, yes, hold me please.

Simon: Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life. Shit just happens and I’m like, “Oh, this is what we’re doing now? Ok.”

CJ: It’s pride month, you know what that means?
Henry: I get to eat as many skittles as I want?
Simon: What? No. What has Dean been telling you?
Dean, walking in, pouring skittles in his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Chloe: I accidentally scratched Dean’s car, how long do you think I’ll live?
Simon: Ten
Chloe: Ten what?
Simon: Nine

CJ: I don’t like assignments that are like “tell us at least 5 things about yourself”, like bruh, my interests are art, cartoons, and girls. That’s literally it.
Dean: Yeah. I’m stuck at the part where you have to make and answer questions about yourself or use a quote.
Dean: Like, bitch, I don’t know.
Simon: I hate those assignments. I have no sense of self, my personality traits include gay, trauma, and, if I’m feeling quirky, unchecked rage.

Simon: Straight? I can’t run straight.
Simon: I’m Lightning McQueer.
Simon as they yeet away: Nyoom~

Dean: I need to get my gun. Simon! holds his hand out
Simon, who had spaced out and missed what he asked for: high-fives Dean

Dean: And now that gay report with Simon. Si?
Simon: Getting gayer
Dean: Thank you Si.

Simon: “Yoink” is the opposite of “yeet”, but it’s just as fast.
Lucas: The Lord yeeteth away, and the Lord yoinketh away.
Dean: I feel like I’m having a stroke.

Madeline: I will make you sorry you were ever born
Simon: Well for your information, I already am sorry I was ever born

Simon: If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Simon: I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

Simon: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
CJ: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
Dean: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
Henry: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

Henry : Wake me up…
CJ: Before you go-go!
Dean : When September ends…
Simon: WAKE ME UP INSIDE-

Henry: screams
Dean: screams louder to establish dominance
CJ: Should we do something?
Simon: No, I want to see who wins.

Simon, setting down a card: Ace of spades
CJ, pulling out an Uno card: +4
Henry, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
Dean, trembling: What are we playing

Dean: Can I be frank with you guys?
CJ: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Simon: Can I still be Simon?
Henry: Shh, let Frank speak.

Simon: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys.
CJ: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Dean : Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes!!!
Henry: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Simon: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

Simon: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so…

Dean: Isn’t the idea supposed to be, “You saved my life, now I owe you a debt”?
Simon: Nope. The other way around. You saved my life, so now I’m your problem. If you don’t like it, then that’s unfortunate.

Simon: No, you’re not happy. Did you LISTEN to the lyrics you just sang?

Simon: Do you also do that thing where you casually unlock memories?

Simon: The only people who wear turtlenecks are poets. Unless you’re gay.

Simon at the store with Dean: holds up jar that says “Deano Sauce”
Simon: Deano Sauce! Made with real Deanos!

Simon, mockingly: Well, not to be rude.
Simon: And what’s the adult version of that?
Simon: Well, not to be racist.

Simon, done with their team’s shit: I have a mask on so I can’t hear you.

Simon, trying and failing to help Adam & Noah with their powers: Boom! The teacher has become the student! kicks air

Simon: Dean, have you ever been to hell?

Simon: Oh Jesus.
Henry: WHERE?!

Noah: A definitive ranking. Women, Fortnite, men.
Simon: What about me?
Adam: I think you're Fortnite.
Noah: No! Women, Fortnite, men, Daddy.
Dean: dies in the corner

Simon: Why be sad when you could be Dad

Simon: Don’t you dare criticize my boyfriend like that
Dean: Yeah, let Henry show you how to do it

Simon: I left notes for everyone this morning before leaving.
Henry: mine just says “don’t”
Simon: I wanted that to be applied to everything

Dean, to Simon, CJ, & Henry: I swear, I’m gonna fucking kill you three.
Simon: Okay, imagine a world without us.
Dean:
Dean, tearing up: Why would you—

Jack: But were you born as a boy or a girl?
Simon: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.
Logan: Personally, I was created in a lab.
Samantha: I just straight up spawned.
CJ: Our lord and savior Anubis just threw me up.
Becky: My existence is a figment of your imagination.
Dean: I was born at the age of four, my mother being dead at the time.
Chloe: I’m just a rock that grew legs.

Simon: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

CJ: My life is a little too much Panic and not enough Disco.
Simon: My life is a little too much Fall and not enough Boy.
Logan: My life is a little too much Chemical and not enough Romance.
Asia: My life is a little too much Imagination and not nearly enough Dragons.

Simon: Well, if you’re not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

CJ: How high are you?
Simon, who got the rest of Crayon Box high: Yes.
Henry: I’m great! How are you?
Dean: 6’1”.

Dean: Until I fell in love with Henry, I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
Simon: So you were gay and then realized you were even more gay.

Cj: Kicks the door down looking panicked
Simon: What did you do?
Cj: Nobody died.
Simon: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Sarah: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life
Cj: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Henry: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Simon: edible

Dean: says something mildly egotistical
Madeline: Oh Hotshot, always has to be on top.
Simon, CJ, & Henry: laughing in the corner

CJ: If you don't sleep, how do you function?
Simon: I run on three fuels: spite, anxiety, and of course, coffee.

Simon: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
Cas and Dean: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Sarah: Morning Si, want a coffee?
Simon: I'm good. I'm still fading in and out of existence from drinking twelve Red Bulls last night.
Sarah: Why would you do something like that?
Simon: To feel something.
Simon: Anyway—

Simon: I basically assume that people don’t like me unless they explicitly tell me they like me and periodically remind me

Simon: sorry I called you a fucking idiot I was trying to flirt

Simon: Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my god i’ve been on meth this whole time.

Simon, high: The pope wears that big hat cause Jesus is under there controlling him Ratatouille style.

Sarah, tweeting: Alright I reflected on the self. I’m 100% sure the beasts are the issue here.
Simon, responding: Hell yeah bro. Time for top surgery.
Simon, a few days and multiple retweets later: sorry thunder. I see now you said beasts. Like, the animal. Not breasts. The word for boobs. Did not mean to threaten you.
Cj, responding: This is so fucking funny.

Simon: ‘I could fix him’ ‘I could make him worse’ I could paint his fingernails black.

Simon: I broke my rules for you.

Dean: Do you want to play 20 Questions?
Simon: Sure!
Simon: Whats your favorite color?
Dean, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you love me?

[at MK & Jack’s funeral]
Simon: places his hand on the headstone and sobs
Simon: How could you do this to me? We are so understaffed—