Jude tried to read Nyx’s expression, hoping for him to say something to make Jude understand what this meant for him; if he wasn’t sure he wanted these feelings or that it was too much right now. He couldn’t help but feel the same guilt founded on the day he first kissed him; like he’d done something to cause this confusion in him. “—I just wanna say I’m sorry. This is my fault, and you wouldn’t have to be feeling this way if I’d done differently.”
Nyx bit his lip. "No, I…you don't have anything to be sorry for, I…I'm the one that wanted it. I…" he swallowed, fidgeting anxiously. "I don't…"
"I mean…I shouldn't have kissed you on that day." Jude explained, lightly twisting the cuff of his sleeve, "It was too soon and even though I wanted to, I shouldn't have."
Nyx chewed on his lip. "No, I…you…" he shrugged his shoulders slightly. "Alright. If you say so."
"Nyx…I like you." A lot. Jude shrugged, trying to pry his eyes off the ground. "And I don't know how to keep this up, cause I don't think things will end well if you want something more."
Nyx looked away, his lip still caught between his teeth. "I'm sorry." he said softly. "But I…" I don't understand…any of this. "I don't…I'm sorry. I don't understand…" he closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing at them with the heels of his hands and hating that he didn't understand. That he was so sheltered that he couldn't understand what Jude was trying to say.
Jude took a short breath, wishing he could've saved Nyx from all this confusion. "I'm trying to say…I think that– I want us to be together, like…together." He pursed his lips, wondering where all his confidence went and praying that something good would come out of this, "…But it's going to hurt both of us when we have to…go our own ways."
Nyx looked at Jude again, biting his lip. "Oh. I…" He didn't know what the proper response was. What he should say in response to Jude's words. He wanted it too. He wanted this too. But…but he didn't know if he should, or… anything. And he hated that he didn't know.
Jude twisted the hem of his shirt, waiting for Nyx to tell him what he thought. This whole situation was a mess, one that Jude didn't know how to deal with or talk about. "Nyx, I need to know how you feel about this whole thing," He sighed, praying for words of his agreement…or disagreement, or assurance– anything to help him understand where to go from here.
"I want…the same thing you do. But I don't know…" Nyx trailed off. "I don't have any experience with anything, and…" He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. "I don't know."
(I won't be super active tonight, sorry)
Jude bit his lip, wondering how much he should tell Nyx about how love and relationships worked without scaring him. "This thing–" Jude gestured between them with a muted smile, "It's going to hurt the both of us once it ends. I don't want that for you."
(its cool :), i was just gonna say the same thing actually– im watching a dance recital soon.)
Nyx bit his lip a little bit. "Oh. I…" He hated this. Hated that it was so hard for him to be with Jude, because he didn't understand how the real world worked. He closed his eyes for a moment. He should just put me back in the pod and leave me.
Jude reached for Nyx's hand, carefully picking it up and holding it in his. "Do you get what I'm saying?" He asked, praying that Nyx would come up with something because he was losing hope. There has to be a way.
Nyx nodded a little bit. "Yeah." He replied softly, looking up at Jude when he felt the other male's hand in his own. "I-I just…I don't know what to do."
"Well, what do you think we should do?" Jude asked him, turning his hand over and tracing light patterns over his palm. "Because…I don't want this to stop, but it'll be better for you if we do, you know what I mean?"
"I don't want to stop either." Nyx replied softly, looking up at Jude and biting his lip at the light touches. He swallowed.
"But d'you understand that not stopping now is going to sting later?" Jude sighed, remembering his melancholy week in Vienna after leaving L.A. That was a time of weakness, where he'd realized how painful a thing like love could be, promising himself that he wouldn't be so careless again. But now he was at a crossroad of naiveté and his better judgement. And the final question was facing him; was he willing to gamble on this feeling? To roll a loaded dice with the knowledge of their inevitable end?
Nyx slowly nodded, looking up at Jude. "…yeah." But I'd rather my first heartbreak be with you than someone who can never know that I'm not entirely flesh and blood.
"Like…a lot." Jude told him, trying to decipher if Nyx was agreeing– that it was a bad idea, or he was acknowledging that it was a risk he was also willing to take. But why would he want this? Me? I don't know if this is worth it, It'll only hurt him. "You'll be sad for quite a while."
Nyx took a deep breath. "I know. But…but I'd rather my first heartbreak be with you." his voice was quiet. "Because you'll…probably be the only one to ever know…about this." he gestured to his legs, to where the metal of his cybernetic parts shone in the light.
"Oh," Jude sighed, his eyebrows pushing together and feeling a wave of sadness for Nyx; who felt so much wonder for the world; a lust for life and living that wasn't so present in the majority of people today. "But you're so much more than this," He told him quietly, referring to the metal parts, "And people– they'll understand, eventually. You're gonna find so many others who'll love you regardless."
Nyx shrugged a little. "Maybe they will, maybe they won't." He replied softly. "And…" He shrugged again, glancing up at Jude for a moment.
"Yeah, maybe some won't, but some will." Jude told him, silently praying that he'd be okay once he was gone, that he'd stay out of harm's way and live a life worth living for. "Please don't let yourself get hurt over me, just because I treat you equally, there will be others– who'll make you feel so much happier, I promise."
Nyx nodded a little bit. "Okay." he said softly. He swallowed, studying Jude for a long moment. His hand was still in Jude's. "I still…I'd rather it be you." his voice was quiet, a little hesitant.