Nyx frowned a little bit. "Oh." Is he…a past… boyfriend? He wondered slowly, suddenly feeling woefully inexperienced. With everything. Because here was Jude, who had seen and done…so much more, and then…Nyx didn't even know about anything, hardly.
Jude stared painfully at the screen as the frames seemed to run in slow motion, Neil's mouth curling into his trademark half-smile, running a hand through his dark brown hair, still wet from the ocean. He hadn't watched these videos since he'd taken them, and it stung. Jude's shoulders tensed, "You're an idiot." "And you're a menace to society."
"Is that what you think of me?" Neil raised his eyebrows. "Shut up," Jude laughed.
Nyx bit his lip a little bit as he watched the video, an unnamed emotion swirling inside his chest. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Jealousy? No, that couldn't be right. He wasn't sure. He really wasn't sure.
Jude cleared his throat, picking up the remote and skipping to the next clip. "–Santa Monica Pier." He said, trying to build a smile back. The three of them were on top of the Ferris wheel, high out of their minds and in hysterics, shaking the passenger pod and rattling the gate, "Oh no…I hope we don't fall." "If we do, you'll break my fall, so it won't be too tragic." They all howled, Randall jumping and hitting his head on the top.
(gtg to bed now. Good night!)
Nyx nodded. "Ah." he replied softly, looking at the video again. He bit his lip slightly.
(gn i if you see this :)
"Always summer," Jude smiled softly, biting back at the quiet recall of something stupid Neil told him. It was in a tensive silence as they eyed each other, passing a joint between them when they'd first started talking. He'd told him, "On the coast where the clouds don't weep, the golden boy wanders from the city that never sleeps."
"Where'd you get that from?"
"Fuck if I know, New York seems cool."
Jude ran a quick hand through his hair, trying to shake the thought of him for their own sake. But what if this was a good thing? If he wasn't over Neil, his feelings for Nyx might go away, soon enough.
Nyx bit his lip, studying his hands for a moment. The skin on them. He tucked his knees to his chest, sitting on the couch. See? You wouldn't be any good for him. You aren't even a full, real person. This skin is fake. You're fake. You can't even fucking cry, where did you get the idea you could be a real person? He took a deep breath.
A couple more clips rolled by, mostly famous sights and the wandering group of strangers and friends in between destinations. They were happy videos, everyone smiling and talking over each other. The Hollywood Sign, Rodeo Drive, Melrose Street, and so, so many beaches. He'd skimmed through the most iconic sights in two weeks, leaving the rest of his time towards his new friends and the little relationship he was building with Neil. He was still in touch with a few of them; a couple of postcards every so often with stories that always made him laugh, never mentioning Neil or if he'd asked about him. Jude rubbed his eyes as the videos stopped playing and the tape quietly ejected, pulling up a smile and hoping it would stay there, "There are, like, seven more tapes from that trip. I stayed there for nearly four months." He cleared his throat, trying to snap back to reality; he wasn't still in love with Neil. He was in love with…No. He liked Nyx.
Nyx looked up again when Jude spoke. "Oh. That's…" he nodded a little bit. "It's really pretty." he said after a long moment. He took a deep breath, picking at a loose thread on his pants for a little, then looked over at Jude again. "Are we watching all of them right now?"
"Nah," Jude shook his head. It would be too bittersweet for him, and maybe a little uncomfortable for Nyx; seeing him so happy with another man. "We don't have to watch them. They're hours long and might be a little boring." He sighed, "Maybe another time."
Nyx nodded. "Alright." he replied, sitting up again and stretching and trying really hard not to think about Jude's face in the videos. Happy and smiling and…with other people. He doesn't need me the same way I need him. He realized, biting his lip.
An idea popped into his head; a possible distraction for the two. "I should show you the studio–" Jude smiled, slowly rising from the couch and putting away the tape. He leaned on the table, folding his hands to his chest and eyeing the ashtray he made himself, "I've got pottery wheels and a little kiln and homemade candles– We could make a vase or something?"
Nyx got up, looking at Jude and nodding. "Oh. Sure. Though I don't think that I really have the skill to make one." He chuckled softly, trying to push away the way something inside of him was crumbling. I need him more than he'll ever need me.
"It's okay," Jude smiled, walking backwards down the hall and facing Nyx, "I'll teach you. I had an old girlfriend who taught me how to properly do this, and it became a little hobby of mine. I made all of my plates, bowls, and mugs."
(have you seen Ghost? cuz theres this scene where they're shaping the clay on the wheel and its cute:} )
Nyx nodded a little. "Huh. That's cool." He replied with a smile, following Jude and pushing away the way that his heart was cracking inside his chest.
(no I haven't, sorry. Also I gtg in about ten minutes most likely)
Jude opened the door to the studio, a spacious room with racks of drying clay and two pottery wheels side by side. Unlike the rest of his apartment, the walls only had a few paintings over the hand-painted mural of swirling colours. He pulled his sweater off and tossed it on a nearby chair, rolling up the white sleeves of his shirt.
Nyx looked around the room curiously, taking a few steps inside, and then pausing, still looking around and trying to figure out what each tool was for. His blue eyes flashed slightly.
"Take a seat if you like," Jude smiled, nodding at one of the wheels and preparing the clay they'd use in two containers and bringing them to both sides. It had already been pressed, so no air bubbles would burst under the hot pressure of the kiln.
Nyx sat down cautiously, looking at Jude. He just hoped he wouldn't break or damage anything. He looked up as Jude came over. "You're going to have to explain everything to me." He said softly.
"Of course, yeah." Jude smiled, dragging a stool over to Nyx. "So this is your pedal…thing." He said, loosely pointing at it and putting a circle of clay in the middle of the wheel, staining his hands a dull gray, "It's sensitive to how hard you press it, so start off real slow."
Nyx nodded a little bit, rolling his sleeves up and looking at the pedal, then at Jude's hands. He remembered those hands linked with his, in a field…he pushed the memory away, swallowing, and trying to focus on what they were doing.
Jude centred the ball of clay onto the wheel, making sure it was secure and drizzling a bit of water on it. "So–" Jude said, smiling excitedly, like when he was a kid, waiting to show his parents something he'd worked hard on. –This time, though, his smile wouldn't slide off his face in a moment of neglect.
"You take your hands to the side–" He said, gently moving Nyx's hands to the glossy mound of clay.
Nyx bit his lip at the feeling of Jude's hands on his own, but nodded and tried to focus on what Jude was showing him. He doesn't need you as much as you need him. He thought again. And it tore at his heart.
"So, low power on the pedal," Jude said, smiling at his hands just barely holding Nyx's hands in place. A memory chirped at him in the back of his mind; the cold metal of Nyx's hands before they'd gotten the artificial skin pinned beneath his own hands, curling against the cool grass.