forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

Ahh that makes me so happy! Thank you!!

So pretttyyyyyyyy
That was beautiful

Imma do today's one

speaking of which
they should be up within the next half hour or so, now that I've finished the critiques!
(warning that these bits of feedback are reaching essay length and I'm so sorry. But this week's entries were all really good and I had a lot to say)

@crocssant-is-useless That was really powerful!! I also wish I could hear it performed live. Me whispering it to myself probably doesn't have the same effect lol
I really love the imagery! I also appreciated how you set up the punctuation and linebreaks in this one - it made it easier to follow how you might have said it and what you might have emphasised (for example "one only I/ Can't see" is really really well placed).
Favourite line: "dread each breath that tears me open"
The only thing that threw me off for a bit was the turkey simile. Reading it again, it doesn't really bother me anymore, and it's definitely a valid simile that conveys what you're trying to say, but the first time I read it I was a bit thrown off that suddenly we were talking about Thanksgiving. Though I guess it's a really cool thing to bring in because it has such positive connotations (I think?? my culture doesn't celebrate it lol) and that's such a juxtaposition to what you're talking about
either way, I really loved this!! Excellent job!! (I wish I had actual critique to give but I can't really think of anything)

@Dances_with_Shadows-misses-archery Another really vivid and intense piece!! I loved it!
I admittedly don't know the source material, so I'm not sure how far it's inspired you [EDIT: I looked it up and it's fabulous!!], but I really loved the language here! It does sound very lyrical and rhythmic in parts, which is cool to read in a prose piece. The images are very vivid (like the chairs scraping on the marble floor) and those metaphors though. "lonely streets of a building" made me shiver.
Also, I loved how ambiguous it was at times! Leaving things unsaid and up to interpretation (who are they talking to? what's the nature of that relationship? etc) really drew me in!
One thing I'm not that sure about is leaving in some constructions like "I wanna" or "'cause" (instead of because). I get that they're part of the lyrics, but they really distracted me at first. I guess it's a style thing and how much you want to adapt the source material into the prose setting you've gone for.
(I also noticed there's rather high tension throughout the entire thing - it's not a super big deal in a text of this length, but if it were a bit longer I think it might upset the pacing. Tension is a super cool effect that definitely has its place, but it's most effective when it works together with stretches of lower tension.
Not sure how much sense that makes, but basically: this is great the way it is, but it does push how far such an intense, questioning, inner monologue form can work before it falls flat.)
TL;DR: this is fabulous and I didn't have a lot of actual critique

@amber_demeter that's so well written oh my goodness!! and it has such a cool message!
I love how much you trust the reader to put two and two together! You don't outright say what's going on, but you leave hints and messages so we can piece together what happened and I really appreciate that!! The descriptions are done really well ("fabric hugs the soft curves of my healthy body") and the symbolism of the dress comes through really well.
Favourite line: all of it lol. the whole piece is really cohesive so it's hard to pick out a line out of context and say that it's the best
I noticed that you repeat some constructions several times throughout - such as lists of three things: "the dew, the cold, the wind"; "fresh, bleeding, ready to break open"; "pain, work, time, forced smiles" (I guess this last one is four items but I think you see what I mean). You also use the word "there's" eight times in the last four paragraphs. And these aren't necessarily bad things! But in a longer piece, at this frequency, it would definitely be noticeable, so I guess this just to be aware that that's a feature of your writing that could lose its effect in excess. (I do the same things and I've been trying to notice them when I do, so maybe that's why I picked up on them in your piece as well).
(you can tell that I have little to critique when I start pointing out parts of your style just to have something to say lol)
But this is really excellent! Super well done!

all right, prompt time:

Music prompt, brought to you by @Bandito: "For the Damaged Coda", an Orchestral Remix by T. L. B. Orchestrations

the image: "Church" (? the title is ambiguous) by Bastien Grivet- this is concept art from "Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse".

and the word prompt: from "Naming Souls" by Uri Zvi Greenberg [translated by Jon Silkin and Ezra Spicehandler] (you will not believe how hard I tried to find the full text for this, but I don't think it's online)

I stood on my own, the last
of the species that fight,
seeing these brothers, with feet turned upwards, growing
until they reached the sky, in death,
to kick it. I saw
the moon like an animal
rub a silver face on the worn nails in the boots
of upturned soldiers

Lost deep within the minds of the fallen are the dreams of those unborn. Glassy eyes stared at the full moon as I came to take him away. They call me many names but i am limited to none. I smile with sorrow as I raise my hands and say a simple prayer.

Like silver dollars glistening at night, a drunken beast came to challenge me. A smell so sweet I could not help it and the beast lay at my feet. A spell lifted and a shivering man was left howling in the night.

I walked away, drowning in the shadows as they take me to their land. Darkness and dread, misery that knows no end. I lift my hands and turn away, refusing to do any more, but without Death, Life will rage on.

I did it based on the words, there is very little connection but idk why I love it so much

(based on the word prompt. It turned out kinds short, and it sounds a little antiquated language wise, because I just finished reading Beowulf lol)

I stood with battlehelm in hand, bloodied limbs hanging in exhaustion as I watched the life leave the eyes of my brothers and my friends. I watched as they faded, the moon rising high above. To my exhausted mind and eyes I thought I saw the moon nuzzle at them like a dog, like a dog welcoming a beloved master home. Home. Yes, they were home. They were home up in that great sky, that final resting place for their souls.

It was only mine own soul that remained here, still tethered to a battered, battle weary body. "Farewell, my brothers." I whispered through a voice cracked and broken. I watched as their souls vanished into the stars, leaving me here. The last one. Alone.

I turned to face the army that still waited; an army that would devour and ravage the lands. An army that my kind had spent out their lifeblood fighting, and it had not been enough. I raised my sword in weary motion, my battlehelm back on my head. This battle was not over. My sword met the first of that ravaging army as we fought on that bloodsoaked field, the souls of my brothers, soldiers, watching from above.

I’ve got an unfinished poem that I would love some feedback on this afternoon, to help me get back into writing it

First time writing poetry like that so I'm not sure how it sounds)

I have been learning Spanish since I first turned on the TV and was met with an episode of Dora The Explorer
I’m not Hispanic
I’m white as a sheet, Irish genes covering Native American genes
And scattering freckles across my skin like stars on snow
But I’ll admit, I was fond of that show

I am not Hispanic
I speak broken Spanish from overhearing it
From two years of half assed classes in which I stared at the wall and daydreamed, or slept
I am not Hispanic, and I will never know the struggles those who are face
$14 dollars to a white man’s $21, my godmother being scared to be pulled over in the summer but not the winter

This is not my fight, because I am not Hispanic
But I’ll lend my voice in the hopes that it will be listened to, that my pale skin catches the attention
Of those selectively colorblind.
My voice is not their voice, but I hope I can draw attention to theirs
I hope I can speak loud enough that when they scream they are listened to, because now that they have eyes on them
It’s easier to keep them there

I will not take their voices
Instead, I want to give the opportunity for them to speak until they don’t need the opportunity just to be heard

I want to lend a megaphone to the girls with hair and skin and eyes likened to food
To things that are edible as though they themselves are as well, as opposed to people
I want to lend my hand to boys with accents that flip their tongues and roll their r’s
That make people with no taste and a language as bland as the noodles and bread they serve is
say ‘speak our language instead’, say ‘go back to your country’ and ‘I can’t understand you’
As though taking the time to listen and not just hear is too hard

This is not my fight, but I am here to lend my hand
To lend my privilege and voice to those whose voices are not heard when they should be
A hand and a voice to a fight that isn’t mine but I will gladly support

Um, so. Yeah. I'm having a lot of feelings after certain things and here's me screaming into the void of written word. Picture the words being spoken kinda angrily and you're good ig.

W
O
W
I'm a white person living in a 90% Hispanic community and that
Was incredible and I felt it in my SOUL

fghgfdgh dude that's. One of the best compliments ever honestly. I'm glad it hit you right

Holy just…wow, Crocs. You always blow me away with your writing. That hit deep

Aaaaaaaaaaaa thamk. I. Scream words at the page and I’m glad they aren’t horrible at least

@StarkSpangledBanner That was really cool! Very atmospheric and intense.
Favorite phrase: "Lost deep within the minds of the fallen are the dreams of those unborn"
I have to confess I'm a bit confused as to the content, mainly because there are some tense switches that I don't fully understand. Is this meant to be the past or the present tense?
But I still enjoyed what I did understand!

@Icefire eeeey Beowulf! Did you read the Old English or a translation?
Your text was really fun to read! It kind of reminded me of one of those scenes in a movie where the music goes slow and sad in the middle of a battle and the sound cuts off and it's in slow-motion, if you know what I mean.
I noticed that there was a bit of repetition ("ravage" stood out to me even though you only used it twice - I guess it's just a word you don't hear that often so you notice it more when you do) but that doesn't have to be a problem.
Well done!

@crocssant-is-also-in-the-Cult
whoa. you always hit me straight in the gut with the message in what you write! I love it! it's really cool to see stuff like this put into words
favourite line: "that my pale skin catches the attention/ Of those selectively colorblind"
And I really struggle to give helpful critique because who am I to say what makes a poem better? and I don't want to tell you to change meaningful content just to fit my random ideas
that being said
since I do want to give feedback
I wonder if the last line is as powerful as it could be? "A hand and a voice to a fight that isn't mine" sounds fabulous, it really sums up what you've said, but "I will gladly support" seems a bit more… tame that what you've said so far, if that makes sense? Like you've been really passionate about drawing attention to their struggle and being desperate for people to listen to them, so "support" seems like a more neutral word than the emotions you've expressed so far
also there are some phrases that sounded a bit clunky to me, like they could be expressed more effectively. "To things that are edible as though they themselves are as well, as opposed to people", "a language as bland as the noodles and bread they serve is/ say", "I will never know the struggles those who are face" and "Irish genes covering Native American genes" (covering sounds a bit odd to me idk).
but yeah. All of this is just me, feel free to ignore me and do your thing! I really love it the way it is!

Honestly I think you might’ve pointed out a typo in one of those lines that I didn’t notice last night. And I see what you mean, both about the tameness of the word and how odd that on line about my own heritage is. I had a point with that one, I swear lmao

@Icefire eeeey Beowulf! Did you read the Old English or a translation?
Your text was really fun to read! It kind of reminded me of one of those scenes in a movie where the music goes slow and sad in the middle of a battle and the sound cuts off and it's in slow-motion, if you know what I mean.
I noticed that there was a bit of repetition ("ravage" stood out to me even though you only used it twice - I guess it's just a word you don't hear that often so you notice it more when you do) but that doesn't have to be a problem.
Well done!

I read the Seamus Heavey translation. I can't read old english lol.
Thanks! That's pretty much exactly what I was aiming at, so it's good to know that I succeeded.
Ohh yeah I didn't see that I did that. Oops.
Thank you!

@StarkSpangledBanner That was really cool! Very atmospheric and intense.
Favorite phrase: "Lost deep within the minds of the fallen are the dreams of those unborn"
I have to confess I'm a bit confused as to the content, mainly because there are some tense switches that I don't fully understand. Is this meant to be the past or the present tense?
But I still enjoyed what I did understand!

Tbh I dont know what tense this is lol, I just looked at the prompt and just wrote lol

Sorry, I realize this is a bit late. Made from the music prompt~ not my best work, but I think it's still worth sharing. Feel free not to critique it, ninja, since I saw you posted the batch of critiques already.

There truly is nothing like the clean swing of a blade through flesh.
That was the leading thought as I delivered blow after blow to the enemy soldiers, watching them drop likes flies around me. With a grin I whirled around, my sword slicing yet another throat.
Only when the last of the enemy forces fell at my feet did I get a proper look at the carnage: it might as well have been a cemetery. Thousands upon thousands of corpses, every single one below the age of 30 and mutilated by my sword now coated in blood and wasted lives. A horrible sight, enough to break the strongest of men. I would have surrendered to the guilt had I not seen one live man, walking towards me through the thick fog. His irregular footfalls were automatically familiar to me, and despite the immense guilt my weary face broke into a smile.
"Brother!" I called, lifting my weapon into the air for proof of identity. He sped up, by my side in an instant.
"We did it, Lotus. We've beaten them," he murmured tiredly, leaning his forehead against mine. I was just distracted enough to notice the white flag appear, and I pulled my brother into a hug. Only when I began to pull away did I realize his grip on me had weakened.
He frowned, meeting my eyes as he grabbed my arm for support. I looked more closely– to see the knife sticking out of his plated armour. He had been stabbed.
I turned back to face a falling man, and he weakly collapsed into my arms. When had this happened?
As he had been hugging me, I realized, upon noticing the other man a few yards up carefully trying to back away. I looked down at my brother's closed eyes and pale face, cupped in my hands streaked with blood and tears.
Another fresh thought: There truly is nothing like ice cold vengeance.
With a keening cry I lay my brother into the dirt, slowly getting to my feet. Looking up, I saw it. The murderer was running.
I started after him, sprinting madly with my sword swinging alongside, tears freezing on my face in the rushing wind. Finally I pushed fast enough to tackle the killer to the ground, my sword already in the air. Both of our blades were unsheathed, however, and only one hit its target.

Nice!!

W o a h

@amber_demeter that's really cool!

Hey so uhh….I wrote this and it's based on a character of mine, and I would really like some feedback on it as I am still new to poetry. Thank you!

I used to be
Silk and gossamer
Cotton and summer.
I used to be kind
And happy
And gentle
And true.

Then you took me,
And you
Shattered my mind
And you
Broke my soul
And you
Tore me apart
And you
Remade me.

I am done saving myself
I am done with your lies.
I am coming
For you.
To repay tenfold
What you have done to me.

Don't ask the gods to help you,
They're afraid of me.
Don't run away from me,
You made me into a hunter
A killer; i will find you.

I was a prince
Now I am a weapon
Of war
And ruin.
And you were the one
Who made me this way.

Now I am
Broken glass and swords
Iron and winter.
I am not kind
Not happy
Not gentle
And no longer true.

You made me
This way.
You shouldn't play with
Fire,
If you don't want to get
Burned.

A monster?
So be it.
Monsters do not always have claws
And I am a monster.