forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

Okay so it's really short, because I was at school when I wrote it and whatnot, but here's a quick thing based off a line a character in one of my rps said

---

It's taking that shot in the dark
When the end result is unclear

It's knowing as long as you try
You can outplay the fear

Because impossible seems impossible
Right up until it's done

---

Again, real quick and short, but I figured I'd share anyway 'cause I'm not sure if I'll get much time to write anything hella good and long

Ooh that's cool!

These are angry tears, hot tears
Tears that leave a trail of burning as they fall
Tears accompanied by sharp words
Like scalding knives
Knives that leave scars well before you realize they have

These are cold tears, full of pain
That feel like ice as they fall
They come from a place full of hurt
And bring that hurt out into the world
Whether you want it there or not
Like a reminder that the world hurts a bit more than you thought

They tend to go ignored
Too often, regardless of the kind of tears you’re crying
They go ignored or unnoticed or both
For you to deal with on your own
Pain and anger and maybe a mixture
They leave you feeling alone

Hey y’all here’s this to make up for my extremely lacking earlier one. Isn’t crying great. Really gets those creative juices flowing

Wow, that's… very emotional. Mood.

So, I have some poems that I wrote one night. I promise nothing is wrong with me, I swear.

---

Shall I Fly, or Will I Drown?

The sky is so emotional, don’t you know?
Clouds abound, with their tears of sorrow,
Cold and callous, that bright white snow,
Howling winds, raging to and fro.

I can see it all from this pointed cliff,
The soaring eagles above the horizon rift.
The crashing waves calling my name,
To win or to lose, life is the game.

Shall I fly, or will I drown?
I think to myself as I look down.
The sky has its arms so wide,
But the sea is the place to hide.

The world is cruel, that I can say.
When day is night, and night is day,
When paths cross, and go the wrong way,
But I smile and wave, and say I’m okay.

That’s all behind me, upon this cliff,
Far away from that horizon rift,
Beyond the waves singing my name,
I think I’ll lose, while life is the game.

Shall I fly, or will I drown?
I think to myself as I look down.
The sky has its arms so wide,
But I think I might want to hide.

The stars are winking at me now.
They know I’m taking a bow,
Goodbye, adios, bonsoir, caio,
Tonight is the end, I take a vow.

My eyes cast up, to that lonely cliff,
Falling faster and faster, to that horizon rift,
Into the waves crying my name,
I have lost, but life is the game.

Shall I fly, or will I drown?
I think to myself as I look down.
The sky throws its arms so wide,
And my sad smile is oh so wide,
But the sea embraces me as I hide.

---

Why Should I?

The blood running through my veins.
The screams that rain.
The voices in my ears.
The shadows that near.

Hide away, they say.
To a padded room of decay.
Why should I, I wonder,
When I’m no better than the thunder?

My rampage has no end.
But the voices remain in my head.
Go away, I plead.
My friends, they do not heed.

Hide away, they say.
To a padded room of decay.
Why should I, I wonder,
When I’m no better than the thunder?

I scream, I claw, I bleed, I gnaw.
Through my bones, they saw.
Into my brain.
Away with the drain.
Please go away.
Please do not stay.
I have nothing to say.
Help me.
Fear me.
Kill me.
Cure me.
I’m lost.
I’m found.
I’m alone.
I’m profound.
Take me away.
To the room of decay.
I must stay.
I am doomsday.
The thunder is right.
I am a blight.
Needle in my eye.
I mustn’t cry.

Why should I?

---

Be with you

Mother come save me,
I need your embrace.
Can’t you see?
I’m losing the race.

Father, I need you near.
I’m lost without you.
This path I fear,
Followed by so few.

Sister, please forgive me,
I tried, I swear.
But now I fall to my knee,
Lonely in this desert air.

Brother, where art thou?
I crave your words.
The silence is heavy now,
No singing of the morning birds.

Can you hear me?
Can you save me?

I’m alone in the world,
In a ball, I’m curled.

Tears rain down,
I beg to drown,
Just to be with you.

---

Who am I?

I look down at my shadow,
And what do I see?
The young boy, from so long ago,
Who I will never again be.

We claim to be in control,
To know what we’ll face.
But fate has a bigger role,
We’re trapped in her embrace.

Who am I?
Who are you?
Am I a doctor?
Are you a troll?

Will I see the boy I once knew,
Or will my life be thrown askew?
Will I fall to temptation,
Or be full of hesitation?

Who am I?
Who are you?
Am I a beggar?
Are you a shrew?

I cast a shadow,
Who do I see?
Someone who looks a lot like me.
One in the same,
But two entities,
Who am I?
Who will I be?
I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

---

The last two aren't as good, but there they are.

@crocssant-starts-school-today-rip, just helping @ninja_violinist by putting in some feedback, you don't mind I hope

For the first short one!
I actually really liked this one! Very accurate for most, I think.

And the longer one:
This one, though, is another level. It hurt even just to read. You really nailed the feeling, your adjectives are perfectly balanced and perfectly placed (you're right, crying really does help writing) The writing itself is very poignant and has a very good flow to it.
Forgetting any technical things though, this is such an amazing piece

Shall I Fly, or Will I Drown?

Holy shit. I mean, it feels almost like a song. It's incredibly emotionally charged and it really feels like I'm reading a full length story. Every device you used is so great in its place and the repitition really nails the point home. You've really got beautiful imagery and a great poetic style. Also, minor spelling thing, goodbye in Italian is spelled ciao, not caio.

Why Should I?

Again, please don't destroy every shred of happiness I've got :(

I didn’t understand every line, but I think the feeling you conveyed makes up for that, since it feels very raw and sad. The rhythm is beautiful, and again your repetition makes it that much more emotional. I’m not sure how to describe this, but the writing almost feels alien, and it kind of works in your favour cause it makes it not only sad but unnerving.

Be with you

I know you said these last two ones weren’t as good but I really really felt this one. It’s very simplistic but just as deep.

Who am I?

Well first of all, they first stanza already killed me. I am dead.

Second, it feels more serious and much lighter at the same time than the other three. I would say that the last line feels a bit out of place with the rest of it.

The bottom line is that you are an incredible poet and since I’m trying to start to write poetry I now have a goal to be as good as you someday.

@amber_demeter Thank you so much! Your critiques are really lovely; I hope you'll consider doing more of them!
feedback from me is on the way folks!

in the meantime, in a shocking turn of events, I actually had time to write/edit my own stuff this week! It's based on an old prompt and I polished it a bit, so I hope it's presentable
I focused very heavily on dialogue when I started out and I didn't really know what to do with it… does anyone have tips on how to write conversations?

Shall I Fly, or Will I Drown?

Holy shit. I mean, it feels almost like a song. It's incredibly emotionally charged and it really feels like I'm reading a full length story. Every device you used is so great in its place and the repitition really nails the point home. You've really got beautiful imagery and a great poetic style. Also, minor spelling thing, goodbye in Italian is spelled ciao, not caio.

Ahh, how could I miss that? I spell it almost all the time!

Why Should I?

Again, please don't destroy every shred of happiness I've got :(

I didn’t understand every line, but I think the feeling you conveyed makes up for that, since it feels very raw and sad. The rhythm is beautiful, and again your repetition makes it that much more emotional. I’m not sure how to describe this, but the writing almost feels alien, and it kind of works in your favour cause it makes it not only sad but unnerving.

The inability to understand every line is understandable, as I just wrote what came to mind. I wanted a desperate-ish feel at the end, if that's even what happened, but if you could point me to the lines you didn't understand I might be able to interpret them for you. Might.

Who am I?

Well first of all, they first stanza already killed me. I am dead.

Second, it feels more serious and much lighter at the same time than the other three. I would say that the last line feels a bit out of place with the rest of it.

Yeah, the last line is out of place. I didn't know how to wrap this one up, so that's my half-assed attempt at doing that.

The bottom line is that you are an incredible poet and since I’m trying to start to write poetry I now have a goal to be as good as you someday.

Ghfjgjfhfjdh

Thank you so much! I've never been a poet, to be honest, but one certain song I was listening to have me the inspiration to write the first one, and then I continued to make more after that. I'm honestly flattered you wish to be as good as me! I'm sure you'll do great, and probably surpass my amateur skills.

I focused very heavily on dialogue when I started out and I didn't really know what to do with it… does anyone have tips on how to write conversations?

I usually—and slightly unconsciously—study the conversations going on around me. Essentially, eavesdrop. Notice the change in subject, formality, and how talkative people are when conversing with different people.

When I write, I let the words flow however they wish, then go back and see if it makes sense. I use a lot of dialogue, but try to make it important somehow. Get rid of or minimize filler dialogue, as it can drag on and bore the reader. If it's entertaining however, then you might get away with keeping it.

Basically: Make it as natural as possible. Consider the situation characters are in, their personalities, and what they would say in certain situations, if at all.

Of course, you can just ignore all of this as I'm just spewing random demands that have no business coming out of my mouth, as I'm just a 16 year old nobody that has no idea what she's doing.

I live!!
thanks to everyone who shared, feedback below
get ready for a giant block of text holy crap

@amber_demeter The length is fine! These can just be exercises if you like :) (and thank you again for also critiquing. I'm sure people appreciate hearing more opinions than just mine lol)

• I love the use of colours in the description here!
• Favourite line: "tracing lines of stardust"
• One grammar thing: "some stronger than this girl had barely survived"
• One style thing to consider: I notice that most of your sentences have a similar length, which can sometimes make it harder to keep up as a reader. It might improve the flow of your writing to have more variation in sentence length and structure.
• Nice job though! It fits really well with the image prompt.

@Dances_with_Shadows-will-be-very-spotty Welcome aboard! [EDIT: I straight-up didn't realise you posted twice. sorry about that!! feedback on your poetry is down below bc I'm too lazy to reformat]

• You've set up an incredible mood here!! Full of tension, full of mystery - you have a great way of hooking the reader and drawing them in!
• My favourite line is also "You can't break what's already been shattered".
• Maybe the first paragraph could be made a bit more effective? I'm not sure if "flee" is the best word in this context, since it usually has a slower, more deliberate connotation than I think you're going for. I'd also recommend choosing between "practice" and "honing" rather than having both in there - in such a fast-paced paragraph, having both words feels a bit unnecessary.
• Overall, I really loved this!

@crocssant-hates-getting-up-at-5-am Both of those were fabulous!

• The first one was short but sweet and it had a cool message! Only thing I wonder about is whether "outplay" is the best word choice here, but other than that it's really cool!
• The second one is really powerful! You have a way of describing things so vividly in poetry that makes it easy to relate to, which I love!
  Favourite phrase: "Knives that leave scars well before you realise they have"
  (I should probably mention at this point that I personally don't write poetry, so take any of these suggestions with like a bucket of salt. you know what works for you, I certainly don't.)
  The occasional rhymes in here made me really happy, especially as they didn't seem forced or contrived. I wonder if it would be effective to make them more consistent (so the last word in each stanza is part of a rhyme, for example)? It might unify the whole poem more? I'm also not sure about the phrase "trail of burning" just because it doesn't seem fully grammatically correct.
  Idk, maybe something to consider. It's definitely great the way it is.

@Dances_with_Shadows-will-be-very-spotty Thank you for the conversation advice!! Those were definitely some helpful tips :) and I love your poetry oh my goodness

• Shall I Fly, or Will I Drown?
  LOVED the imagery in this one!! The descriptions and metaphors are so vivid that I'm taken right into it! It's lovely!
  Favourite phrase: "soaring eagles above the horizon rift"
  I have to admit that the rhythm was a bit confusing to me at times, and I had some mental stumbles as I read through it. But I guess that just depends on how much structure you want in here.
• Why Should I?
  I agree with @amber_demeter - it's a very raw and unnerving tone that really settled under my skin. Super cool use of language and narrative voice!
  Favourite phrase: "when I'm no better than the thunder"
  Here, I sometimes wondered whether the need to rhyme affected the way the words were laid out? That's not necessarily a problem, it's 100% a style thing, but I do wonder how different the poem might be if you rewrote it without worrying about rhymes. That might be a cool exercise one day, I guess, if you're interested.
• Be with you
  This one made me really sad, but I think that was the point so you've done really well!
  Favourite phrase: "I crave your words"
  I think the same question as the last one also applies here - it sometimes sounded a little bit like the rhyme constrained you, almost? as if you had more to say but couldn't always fit it in? (once again, please take this with an entire salt mine. I really don't want to tell you "how to write", and it's already lovely the way it is!)
• Who am I?
  Love the characterisation of the narrator in this one!! Generally, you're really good at telling stories in your poetry just by the way the poems are told. It's honestly such a cool thing to read!
  Favourite phrase: "one in the same,/ but two entities"
  the word "troll" kind of took me out of the flow for a second, especially after "doctor", but I'm assuming there's a good reason why it's there. Otherwise, I think the rhyme and structure are done really well in this one!

Out play did feel a bit odd, you're right, but I was struggling to come up with a word that fit well enough to get my point across. And I'm glad the rhymes don't feel forced! I worry about that a lot, that they'll feel off or not quite right. Maybe adding a few more would be a good idea, you're right. And lmao it probably isn't. I'm not the best at grammar

I'm so glad you agree lol
(80% of the time when I'm writing this I'm just really scared I'll offend people or sound obnoxious/bossy/etc so I'm glad some of the stuff I say is helpful at least)

Prompt time y'all!

The image: (by GettyImages, from this article if you're interested in seeing more)

music prompt: Find Me (Rewind version) by Aviators

word prompt (dialogue from this fanfic by the Carnivorous Muffin):

"Don't you know what that means??"
"No. Enlighten me."
"It means you're capable of happiness…. oh my God, I have to sit down. I was not expecting that."

A long time ago, there was a young but handsome boy, one even the elves wanted to marvel in. He did not have a name, only a title of a fair young man. One night, when he was tending to the hearth, he fell asleep, only to wake up in an elven hill. He wanted to leave but the elves called out with their musical voices. "Oh please, please stay for just a day!" They begged as a whole, the boy, being kind and a pushover, stayed for just a day. He stayed for a day and when he left, the elves filled his pockets with gold. He emerged from the hill and made his way to the village he lived in, only to see that it was covered in plants. Instead of staying for just a day, he had been the mound for ten years.

I feel like that should be a nice thick fantasy novel