I met with a friend of mine for coffee the other day, excited to see someone I hadn't seen in over a year
We talked and caught up, reminiscing and noting how each of us had changed
It was quite a bit, on my part.
On my second coffee, sweeter than it should be for coffee, she asked me a question.
"How did you did you do it?"
Confusion was one thing to call it, as I echoed the question back at her, "How did I do what?"
And her clarification, somehow, managed to catch me off guard even more
She told me, as I sat there, the ice in my coffee melting from the heat in the air and the warmth in my hands
That I had always looked sad.
"Sad?"
"Yes. Even when you were smiling and laughing." She told me the sadness seemed to be a permanent fixture in my eyes
Then she asked again, rephrasing her question
"How did you stop being…sad?"
The thing is, I didn't.
She wanted a trick, some fix all that I didn't have
Because I hadn't just stopped.
"What do you mean?"
You just have to keep going
The days got bad, so bad I didn't want to move or keep going
But I pulled myself out from under the covers, even if it took an hour to do so
If I couldn't take a shower, I put on clean clothes.
I brushed my teeth for as long as I could, some days a quick brush, some the full brush
I did what I could for myself, and I kept going
When the feelings choked me, overwhelming until I couldn't sleep
I wrote, I cooked, I cleaned, late at night because it demanded my focus
And kept going
When the therapy wasn't helping, when all it felt like was small talk and nonsense
I talked to my mom, to my best friend, to whoever was willing to just listen
Maybe next month would be more helpful
But until then, I kept going
I didn't have a trick, not really, no 'spite for the world' or 'thinking of the little things'
When the sadness grew too much, I worked around it
Maybe that is a trick, but it's not much of one in my mind
The best I could do was work around it and keep going
Because some days, it feels hopeless
Some days, giving up looks like a good option, looks like the best
But it wouldn't always be that way, and I knew the only way to reach the sunny days was to keep going
If I took each step, as many as I could, eventually those clouds would clear
And they did.
My eyes don't look sad anymore, and the sadness
The sadness is still there.
It shows up at night, some nights, hoping to catch me at my weakest
But it never lasts for long, if I keep going
And then I can smile again.
So I guess that's the best to offer, I told her, shrugging my shoulders
It won't go away completely, but it won't be at your throat forever
"Oh." She said, the familiar crease between her brows appearing as she thought that over
A smile tugged at my own expression as I focused back on my coffee, taking a sip of the now-watery liquid
And the text she sent me later that night, a simple 'thank you'
Made every dark night, every 'just keep going' worth it
So. This is obviously not inspired by any of the prompts, and I wrote this one just today. But with school coming up, my first year back in an actual school after two years of online schooling, I got to thinking about some things, and this became a thing. It's pretty rough, because I was more focused on the message and the feelings I had than making it neat, so yeah…
