forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

This was so moving….
(From my friend who's sitting right next to me lol)

That was amazing!!!

Thank you.

Inspired by the image prompt. Sethenes is an Egyptian Pharaoh that I created for a story I may or may not write, and I wanted a chance to explore his character a bit more lol

Sethenes walked quietly through the hallways, the crown heavy on his head. Crown was not, of course, what his people called it. But a crown it was, and it was heavy. He adjusted it, careful not to smudge the kohl around his dark green eyes.

An advise hurried up to him. "Your majesty…the statue. The Bast statue it is…it is overflowing with black sand. The seams are…the priests say it is a sign of the gods. That you…you must speak with them. I was not allowed to hear of what it portends."

Sethenes' gaze sharpened. "I see. Thank you." He walked quickly to where they had kept the statue. It was an enigma in Egypt. No one knew from whence it had come. They knew it was Bast for the shape, but that was all. The coloration was not of Bast, and the design was far different. And now, for black sand to be overflowing from its jaws…the priests were right. It was not a good sign. It was a terrible one. He frowned when he saw the statue, and walked to the priests. "What is it?"

"Your majesty." Said one. "We believe that it is a sign of…" The man's eyes darted to the high priest.

"A sign of something in your future that not any other pharaoh has faced." The high priest said gravely. "To be dead, and live again. You will never go to Osiris, never go to Anubis. You will die, and be buried, but your death will be akin to sleep, not death. Death of the body, of the mind, but the soul will remain tethered to your mortal flesh."

Sethenes frowned. "You are not making sense. How would this be possible? And if it is like sleep, would I ever awaken?"

The high priest looked at the statue. "I do not know the answers to this, your majesty. I only know what the gods have revealed to me. And no more."

When Sethenes looked up at the statue, it seemed to him that the eyes glowed, just for a moment.

Dude, I love it. It makes me want to know more about what’s going to happen, and the character himself! I do have one suggestion though, if you’re willing to hear it

Thanks! Yeah, this is more like a prologue to the actual story than anything lol. Always open to suggestions :)

All of your sentences are about the same length, which makes the reading just a teeny bit choppy? Try alternating between shorter and longer sentences!

OOOH I didn't notice that. Thank you!! I was just worried that long sentences would become run-ons, and I didn't want to use semi-colons. I'm not Victor Hugo lol

Did I hear Victor Hugo?

Run on sentences are always a scary thing when writing, but there's a difference between longer sentences and run ons. Honestly, with what you have there, a few commas in place of periods would help the writing flow a bit better!

Alright! I'll keep that in mind next time I write something. Thank you!

I've been so busy it's been hard to get anything written, let alone that I don't hate or can't finish, but I finally did it y'all! Here's yet another spoken word, since that's still my current obsession and I'm trying to write something decent for a slam this January

A girl asked me once how I could just…
Not believe in god
She was sweet about it, don’t get me wrong
Confused instead of condescending and generally curious it seemed
About how I could not believe in the deity she saw everywhere she went
In the Father who brought forth her world from nothing, creating something
Something so great as man and animal and light

I don’t know how I was supposed to tell her
That when I was thirteen a boy in my science class told me that people believe in god
Because they’re scared of the concept of oblivion
Because fooling yourself into believing in an almighty being and an afterlife is safer
Safer than nothing and if there’s one thing people fear
It’s nothing
Maybe I shouldn’t listen to a thirteen year old boy in vans and a leather jacket
But I listened to the words themselves and I have never looked at religion quite the same

And by any holy deity
How am I supposed to explain to her that I can’t believe in or devote myself entirely to a being
Who doesn’t even believe in me
That to believe means to erase myself completely
At least, that’s what the guy with the church business cards told me
And maybe it’s been misconstrued and the words of an old white man in a suit with the sleaziest smile I’ve ever seen
Aren’t the words of your god above but I don’t think
I can take that chance

I can’t believe in god for any number of reasons, from my existentialism to my sexuality to my own faith
But I can tell you that if your god puts the stars in the night sky, I thank him
I can tell you that if your god layers the sediment in rock and lends me the strength I need to keep a knife away from my skin
I thank him
He is not my god but if he is the god
Or just one of many
I thank him

Because oblivion is, in fact, terrifying
And the belief in any god soothes that fear for just a little bit
Regardless
Of truth
And sometimes that’s all anyone needs, even if they don’t believe in God as you do

That is so powerful thank you for writing it (and sharing it)

Oh wow. As someone who is struggling to completely leave behind a faith that I no longer believe in…that spoke to me. That was so powerful

I know. On top of that, I'd like to say a few words.
As an atheist in a Christian family, it's sometimes hard to voice my opinions.
And oftentimes, when religion is being spoken or written about, it is often not about leaving a religion behind, or questioning it. It is usually about say, oh, why you should believe in this religion, or something similar. Or maybe it's just about the religion.

Yes. Exactly how I feel, Izzy

I didn't necessarily grow up in a religious household, as I've always been allowed to express my beliefs, but outside of my home I often find myself almost being….pressured into believing in Christianity? It's probably just the areas that I've lived, but it kind of builds up, all the pressure and judgement and everything, to the point where I find myself questioning my own faith, somehow

It's the opposite for me; I actually think my parents still think I'm Christian. My dad yells at me for saying "oh my god" or "jesus christ," and keeps trying to get me to go to church and it's kinda oppressive but at least my mum's the best ally I have as to me being gay af so I have that going for me

Oh…yeah my parents don't know that I don't believe anymore, so I still have to go to church and stuff and…quietly disagree the whole time. It's terrible, but I…there's a bunch of different reasons I haven't told them I don't believe anymore

So, um, i'm just interrupting this conversation cause I lowkey want some critique on this unfinished piece of writing I wrote in my school-issued planner last period. Again. Just so y'all know, I'm not planning to finish it. But, uh, here it is.

…and then she was gone.

Oh hey, you’re just in time. Come, listen close. I’m telling the story of Julia Richards.

Julia wasn’t my friend at first. Why would she? Julia was one of those quiet kids, those shy kids, the ones that didn’t care about popularity, or at least not like I did. She was one of those kids who would flip you off without a second thought. It didn’t matter who you were, she could care less. The very first time I spoke to her, I was put in a group with her for a science project. “Hey,” I offered, even giving a small smile. I was well aware of Emma, my best friend, staring at me. “What are you doing?” she mouthed across the room. I shook my head and turned around. Even I didn’t know what I was doing. What would I gain by being friendly to Julia Richards? “Hey,” she returned in the same monotone voice she always used.
“So, who’s going to do the project?” I asked, breaking the awkward silence that had ensued. I found it was always easier to get someone to do the project for me instead. More silence followed.It was clear that nobody wanted to do it, so I had to pick someone. “Here, why don’t you do it?” I looked at Julia meaningfully
“I don’t want to do it, so why should I?” she retorted. “You can do it.” Ugh, really? Not what I needed at that moment. But I couldn’t afford to lose my reputation. “Fine then, I’ll do it. But I’m getting full credit for the project. Since clearly you guys don’t want to contribute to it.” I scoffed. Walking over to Emma, I sighed. I just needed a break for normal people. “Hey Em, how’re you doing?” I asked. “Just great,” she replied. To someone who can’t hear me right now, but rather reading the transcript, she wasn’t being sarcastic. That’s just how she usually talked. And then, look. I got a pleasant surprise. No, not really. The last person I wanted to see at that moment was walking over to Emma and I - Julia Richards. “If you’re going to do this alone, let me help you,” her arms were full of materials, her eyes filled with genuinity. I stared at her in horror and shock. After a beat, I spoke, “No,” I laughed nervously. “You’re Julia Richards, why would I take anything from you? Besides, I don’t need your help anyways.” Brushing her words off, I turned around and took a deep breath. “Ugh,I can’t believe I agreed to do the project alone.”

When I got home , I received a surprise. You’d think i’d be happy, but alas, that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t well-known at that time that my parents were divorced. Every time I thought they’d get back together again, Dad cheated on Mom. Again. I’ve lost rack of this edess loop, and along with that, all hope in Dad. Everytime Mom forgives him, Dad goes out and buys something ridiculous for me to get me to forgive him. Honestly, I’m just in it for the stuff he gives, and so is Mom. I pretend to be overjoyed that they’re together again, but really, i just wish he would stop hurting Mom. Actually I think she’s gotten over it by now. But I need to keep up appearances, yeah? Ugh, I can’t believe I’m telling this to complete strangers. you guys are the first people to hear this story from me, the source. But back to the surprise. Dad got me another kitten. This one’s actually cute. “Surprise!” he exclaimed, holding his arms wide open for an embrace. “I hope you can forgive me. You know I love your mother very much.” Ugh, there he goes again, but I dutifully embraced him, a smile forced onto my face. With as much genuinity as I could muster, I said, “I know, Dad. I forgive you.”

Hi everyone! @ninja_violinistis on a self-imposed notebook.ai ban because of an essay that has to be finished. So I was asked to post the prompts instead. The image is by sofiabjernedh

feel free to check her out on social media here https://www.instagram.com/p/B2tu0mDi1jY/?igshid=nnothrcjddsf

This week's song is an instrumental piece, which makes it even more fun to interpet and make a story/poem out of (also, it makes it harder, but challenges are nice every once in a while)

The word prompt is a bit longer, a poem called 'dream land' by christina rosetti.

Dream Land

Where sunless rivers weep
Their waves into the deep,
She sleeps a charmed sleep:
Awake her not.
Led by a single star,
She came from very far
To seek where shadows are
Her pleasant lot.

She left the rosy morn,
She left the fields of corn,
For twilight cold and lorn
And water springs.
Through sleep, as through a veil,
She sees the sky look pale,
And hears the nightingale
That sadly sings.

Rest, rest, a perfect rest
Shed over brow and breast;
Her face is toward the west,
The purple land.
She cannot see the grain
Ripening on hill and plain;
She cannot feel the rain
Upon her hand.

Rest, rest, for evermore
Upon a mossy shore;
Rest, rest at the heart's core
Till time shall cease:
Sleep that no pain shall wake;
Night that no morn shall break
Till joy shall overtake
Her perfect peace.

Anyways I hope you find something that inspires you, have fun writing (and sharing critiques)!!

As @ninja_violinist mentioned, I used to do some critiquing, so if you guys are okay with it here are some of my thoughts on last weeks entries. I'm sure ninja will add some of her own at a later point.

@chaos_generator_13 crearing your own language is very creative, kudos to you for that! My favorite line meaningwise was 'From right and good work will come quiet trust forever', and the coolest spunding words in the langauge were 'kiero', 'oyurc' and 'dilech'. Did you use latin and spanish as influences for the words you made? Anyways the poem as a whole gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. My critique would be the placement of 'not' in the sentence 'Trust me and you will fall into the deep darkness not'. I don't know if you werde doing it to ensure a direct translation, but for the english version that sentence just seems gammatically awkward.

@Icefire
I really like your beginning, it grabbed my attention right away. I like that you used older/more formal language then we'd use normally, it made it even more clear that we were looking at things from Sethenes perspective. Crocs already gave some good critiques about sentence structure, so I won't go into any of that. In general i found it really itriguing and wanted to know so much more about what was going to happen. I have so many questions!! But I guess thoes are not reallyfor here.

@crocssant-does-not-have-a-date
That was very powerful, and I can really imagine you reading that out loud as a poetry slam! The transitions from where you seem to try and see things from the perspective of the people who believe and then slip back into your own views and thoughts are very natural and well done. The repetition of the 'i thank him' is really effective.
The beginning of the third stamza is a bit awkward. 'and by any holy deity' seems like it needs more context than it has, i was a bit confused what sentwnce it belonged to.
Also, you swap tenses partway through. It's not necessarily incorrect seeing as it's your present self reflecting on things in the past, but it did throw me off. So maybe instead of saying 'i don't know how i was supposed to tell her' maybe you could say 'I didn't know', and also in the other places you refer to that conversation with her or the boy, maybe use the past tense, but when you go into the part purely about what you think use the present. Or use the past tense all the way through? Either way, as everyone said, it's a really powerful poem that gives an interesting perspective to a difficult topic.

Anyways I hope my thoughts were in some way helpful to you, and have fun with this week's prompts!

@izzyandviolins sorry I only just saw you posted something new. I wont get to critiqueing it tonight (its 11pm where i'm at and i need to be up early tomorrow), but i'll do it sometime this week

Thank you! I can see what you mean about the tenses, and I'm realizing that might be a problem of mine, seeing as it's something people have mentioned multiple times in past poems and things. I'll have to start keeping an eye out for that in the future, but I'm glad you liked it otherwise!

@izzyandviolins sorry I only just saw you posted something new. I wont get to critiqueing it tonight (its 11pm where i'm at and i need to be up early tomorrow), but i'll do it sometime this week

oh that's fine! thanks!