forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

I absolutely see what you mean about the clunkiness of the last two lines. I’ve been considering nixing them because they don’t quite fit?

That seems reasonable! (Though I do see the point of having something there to tie the whole thing together.)

Hey guys so I started writing a poem a few months ago and it's sort of just sat in a Doc and I have no idea how the heckin' heck to finish it. I might fix the beginning as well.

@Cloudy_The_Busy_Asexual
(quick disclaimer that I know nothing about the original work so any references went right over my head)
This is a cool look into the character's head! Interior monologues can be difficult to pull off from this perspective, but it's done really well!
One thing that threw me off right off the bat was "greenette" - it's not a real word. I think I've read other versions of it in other fanfictions (pinkette, bluenette, etc) but it's quite awkward and I don't recommend it - it puts unnecessary emphasis on the character's hair colour out of context.
I also wonder if the descriptions of his foster family at the end could be spread out more effectively in later interactions, or just at a different spot. It seems a bit odd to focus on it so extensively if his greeting is "brief", if that makes sense. (I'm assuming this is part of a bigger story?
But other than that, this is well-written! I could keep up pretty well considering that I know nothing about the original. Thank you for sharing!

Thanks! And yeah, I knew the whole "greenette" thing wasn't a word, I was just going for something that would let the reader know which character is being talked about(and that's one of his most unique features, considering he's one of two characters with that hair color in the entire canon). I'll keep that in mind though!
On the descriptions thing, I just figured that it would make more sense to describe them in one shot, since they're not going to be the main focus and won't be in many scenes. That is a mistake I make a lot, though, so thank you for pointing it out. I'm glad you were able to keep up!

@Icefire I love that! It's very clear and direct and it has a really uplifting message!
One thing I noticed is that the first three points of the second part are quite similar ("unique", "the only one/ of me" and "special" express very similar ideas) and I wonder if that's intentional? It's fine the way it is, it's effective repetition, but… well, I couldn't really think of anything else to critique haha
Thank you for sharing!!

Ooh thank you so much!! Yeah that was mostly on purpose lol. I think. I wrote that at like 2 AM so idk anymore lol

Hey y'all. I'm back again, with a brand new story. I don't think I'm going to posting anything from a prompt, since usually that means I try to force myself to write something and then I usually come up with nothing, but I'll share some random stories that I write at school. Here's what I wrote… yesterday? Monday? I can't remember, I think it was Monday though.

"It'll be okay." That's what they always say. When I watched my parents burn to their deaths. When I watched my sister and brother run off to college. I'm the youngest in the family. Actually, I'm the only one left at home. When Becky gets out from college, she plans to move in with me (but also with her boyfriend), just to keep me company. Now, I look down on those words with a bitter feeling. It's never fine. "You're okay," they might say. No, it's never okay. Yet another word in a dreaded language, one I despise. I'm never okay, never fine, I'm drowning. Drowning in a sea of water while they turn their backs, blissfully ignorant of my struggle. I scream and shout for help - but never out loud. They don't hear me, I suppose. I-I have to go now.

Monday, October 5th

Hey. I'm hearing these voices lately, at night when i'm sleeping. "Amanda, honey, I'm here!" But the thing is, my name isn't Amanda. It's Lillian.The voices creep me out, but no-one takes me seriously. "It's all in your head," they say. Mum also says I've started not only sleep walking, but talking in my sleep. Ugh, the last thing I need is to act out my dreams in my sleep. Sometimes I dream of waking up in a hospital, a tube forced down my throat. I booked an appointment with a shrink across town today. I need to see someone, I'm afraid of myself. Hey, listen. If I don't leave for my bus now, I'm gonna be late. Cya later.

Friday, November 7th

Sorry I haven't been writing. It's just- I think I'm slowly becoming an insomniac. My dreams are scarier now, I'm afraid to fall asleep. The shrink didn't help, so that's helful. (Sarcasm) Sometimes, I feel like I'm not me, that I'm some imposter in someone else's body. I can't stand this anymore. I'm going- I might- I might never write to you again, I'm sorry.

Tuesday, November 11th

Okay, I'm back. I'm in the hospital now and I hear different dialogue now. It isn't just the same things over and over now. "What happened to her?" "Oh, my poor Amanda, I'm so sorry!" I wonder what happened to Amanda? I'm intrigued. Actually, I coul write a story about that. What happened to Amanda?
.
.
.
I'm having trouble breathing, and the doctor says I'm in heart failure. How could that be? I live on a healthy diet, I brush my teeth and shower everyday, I make sure to have excellent hygiene. I make sure to exercise everday… I don't understand this. I don't hear words in my sleep anymore. Just crying. Did Amanda die? I should write a book about that.

Amanda lay in bed, a tube down her throat. She lay there, hoooked up to a ventilator. There was constantly a family member by her side.

Nah, I can't write. Proof of it: ^^ They want to take me to surgery now, Mum already gave her consent. They need want to fix my heart. "Or I will die," or so the doctor says. So, as you can imagine, I must go… I guess I'll see talk write to you later, then. Bai…

Unknown Date

I… I feel better. I've been gone for so long, I'm sorry. I can't keep a decent journal. But… it turns out I'm not Lillian, I'm Amanda. I woke up today with a tube shoved down my throat, like in my dreams. I coughed so much, eventually a doctor came over and took it out. My mum, my dad, and sister were at my bed when I woke up. They filled me in with everything.My "amnesia" is not unusual, I was in a coma for several years, they told me. They sya it was amazing that I still had brain activity after all those years.. But I was living another life, I told them. And I was telling the truth. I was living another life, as Lillian Black. But now, I'm Amanda Smith. I sitll hear voices, but things like, "What's wrong with our Lillian?" and "Can you hear me Lillian?"
I have to go.

Hey guys! So I'm doing the critiques this week as well as the prompts! It seems that only @izzyandviolins has posted right now, so I'll do that text but if you guys post anything after today, I'll still look at it!

Alright @izzyandviolins
Well first off, the whole vibe this gives off is very unsettling, and puzzling in a good way. I really like the way it's written out as a diary, and I assume it's addressed to the reader? If that's the case as I've understood it, it really feels like we're being talked to by the girl, which is a feat I think, so that's really great!
Lillian is, right off the bat, a very interesting character what with the backstory and the (very) relatable emotional trouble, and as we follow her weird dreams there's an attachment to her. I do like the first person you use, since you can really integrate the emotional side of things.
I actually really didn't see the plot twist coming, so well done on that! It's a very cool effect, obviously, to kind of shock the reader (which you did) and the way you abruptly switched narratives really nailed that twist.

I did get confused though, because you say Lillian's parents died in a fire, and then she's talking about her Mum… so is she adopted, or….? I'd just clear that up a little. Apart from that, there some odd little letters missing or punctuation mistakes, but that's minor stuff. Really really good!
Hope that was adequate :)

Oh yes, I completely forgot about the "parents died in fire" thing! So yeah, that was a mistake, but thanks Amber!

So…if I created a thread and wrote roughly a chapter a week, would some of y'all read it? Like…if I made a thread and wrote a story on it, is what I mean. As a writing exercise, and you guys could comment on it and tell me what you think, give me pointers. Would there be anyone interested in doing that?

So…if I created a thread and wrote roughly a chapter a week, would some of y'all read it? Like…if I made a thread and wrote a story on it, is what I mean. As a writing exercise, and you guys could comment on it and tell me what you think, give me pointers. Would there be anyone interested in doing that?

Meeeeeeee! Lol

So…if I created a thread and wrote roughly a chapter a week, would some of y'all read it? Like…if I made a thread and wrote a story on it, is what I mean. As a writing exercise, and you guys could comment on it and tell me what you think, give me pointers. Would there be anyone interested in doing that?

Meeeeeeee! Lol

Yay! So that's one person lol

I would def read that Ice!!

Okay, so, I'm in the process of writing a scene to help me make some writing decisions. If it isn't done this week, I'll post it next, but either way, I'll post it here to see what you guys think! In the meantime-

I live along the veil of life and death
Walking the line that separates them
Hand in hand with the reaper
Eyes locked forward and mind pushing towards
The side flourishing

Ghosts haunt the scars marring my skin
While life fills my lungs with each breath
I see flowers, a bouquet of marigold and lilies
Tied together with a ribbon I remember vaguely from my childhood
A past me as good as dead now but a symbol of my life

Sometimes
They’re a bouquet and sometimes
They’re a field of wildflowers
Eerily reminiscent of the way I view myself
Not meant to grow together commonly and yet
There. Together
And I can’t picture them any other way now
Than side by side in a field or cluster
Life and death together
The duality of my being

I am home to both life and death
A shell holding blooming flowers and old bones
Bones that whisper secrets to the flowers
That say ‘we are always a back up’, say
‘Should you decide living is too much, we are here’

At one point I thought I had
I thought death was the less scary
of the two options
Terrifying, but the one I knew best
And that’s partially true, but now death sings
The tune of an old friend
And I’ve found that while life is infinitely
New and unknown
That might be just what I need

An unknown to keep me on my toes
Until I don’t have the strength for the unknown
Maybe the day I lose that strength is soon
But until then I will meet life head on with a laugh
And a smile until the roles are switched and life
Is the old friend and death is the new
The new unknown
Until my scars, badges of coming too close
Matter no longer
When instead of walking the line, I have to actually
Pick

So this is one I wrote on the bus and way late at night, split up over two 'sit and write's. I turned it in for a freewrite in ela, and got a good response, but I'd like to know what you guys think!!

Okay thanks!!

Ooh I love it!! Very nice Crocs!

Well shit that's amazing!!
I'll write up a better critique soon but holy hell that's amazing!!

jhgfdghjkl you guys are great thank you. i look forward to the critique amber!

Hey so sorry @crocssant-is-going-to-hoco, I fell asleep!!
Okay so the first thing I have to say is your writing feels so graceful, for lack of a better word, and you've managed to write a very smooth and gentle-feeling text that treats pretty dark subject matter, so that in itself is amazing.
I absolutely love the flowers and bones metaphor, it makes the whole piece feel almost ethereal. You've got a very good rhythm, too, because reading it felt easy. You've really managed to create an image to go along with this, and I don't quite have the words to tell you what that image is but know that it is there. There are only two minor things that kind of caught my eye:
The last two lines of the second stanza are a bit long and clunky, which is a shame because for the third and onward you have to rebuild the rhythm you had going.
The other thing is the line "At one point I thought I had" that confused me a bit. You had what? I kind of figured it went with the couple lines above it, but I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, to sum up, beautiful piece that's very strong in feeling. Well done!

Thank you! I think I might tack on a ‘decided’ to the ‘I thought I had’, honestly, because I saw the same problem. If you’ve got any recommendations for how to smooth out the clunky lines in the second stanza, I would love to hear them!

Ghosts haunt the scars marring my skin
While life fills my lungs with each breath
I see flowers, a bouquet of marigold and lilies
Tied together with a ribbon I remember vaguely from my childhood
A past me as good as dead now but a symbol of my life

Tied with the haze of my childhood
Who I used to be turned to a

Try that?

Here are this week's prompts! I hope you find them useful!

Music prompt:the chorus of Broadway's The Hunchback of Notre Dame singing the Entr'acte

Image Prompt: Amassing Magic by Elizabeth Gadd (sorry I couldn't figure out how to get the image here): PROMPT

Word Prompt: a couple lines from the track Made of Stone from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, lyrics by Stephen Schwartz (I highly recommend listening to this track!)
Who is it that you see
Instead of seeing what I am for real
This twisted flesh and bone

This is what I was talking about earlier, when I said I would post a bit of a story each week. If anyone wants to read it, go ahead!

The other thing I’m writing isn’t finished but here’s the essay I wrote in English. Except instead of an essay I turned it into a poem

Asdfffsfssdj I love it!!!!!

Hello all. It's time for my random piece of writing. So, this originally started off as a silly, casual thing, but look, it turned out that I actually really liked it, and turned it into a real piece of writing, actually revised it, and edited it, and I want to get your opinions on it. (Because I lowkey want to see opinions of other people that aren't my family.)

So, uh, here you guys go. Hope you enjoy it:

Hey, so, a lot of people ask me what having Multiple Personality Disorder is like. It's really hard to explain in plain words, so tell me what you think of what I've come up with:
Picture this.
It is dark. Not cold, but dark. It welcomes you, embraces you in it’s black embrace, stretching its arms around you.
It’s presence is welcome, for without it, you have to see. Seeing hurts. Being hurts, so you hide. Hiding in sleep. Sleep brings dreams, and dreams bring the fantasies.
Soon, the dark grows colder.
Voices whisper, begging for your attention. Somehow, they pull at you, pull you down, deeper into your dreams. Your fantasies.
The air grows bitter, acrid, as you fall deeper. The embrace turns into a choke hold. And, when you finally stop your decent, you find that YOU are a dream, and the mind in which you are being dreamt, has stolen your body. You are imprisoned in your own mind, in a perpetual, lucid dream where, at the edge of your vision, you can see the imposter living your life. Or, is it you who is the imposter?