forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

I kind of want to post a thing I wrote, not even sure what it qualifies as and it’s not really very good either but idk it exists so why not ask advice from people who know what they’re doing

well i definitely don't know what i'm doing, but i'd be glad to read and tell you my thoughts on it!

Well at least more than I do so yano

Were my flowers to bloom as often as I smiled, you’d have lost me
Were I to have as many joys as I do scars, I would have drowned
Lost in butter yellow, rather than crimson red
Drowned in gentle laughs, rather than pouring tears
Which would be me? Inanely happy or insanely sad?
The me I may once have been, ran. Hand in hand with the Devil.
I am never me; my soul, what’s left of it, matches only emotion.
They take me away, do you know? It’s so much easier, to let yourself go.
Ride with the waves.
Live and love when the tide comes in high,
But hang on for dear life when it retreats back to the dark
I wish I had better words than these concepts clumsily sewn together
On a page gripped slightly too tight, by some girl just trying to make it.

Okkkk rip it to shreds

hdjkdlakjh oH MY GOD. I LOVE IT????????

the format is a bit different than i'm used to so it took me a sec to get into the flow but honestly? i can't pick anything out that you really need to work on desperately. it's just. great and incredible

AHHH actually??
Dude thank you so much that really means a lot

jhfdjds yes actually it's. im love

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I’m totally not flipping out

Hello I have a poem
_{(should we make a chat for this??? Or is it good here??)}

This poem is about heartbreak.
No. . . .
This poem is about love.
This poem is about feelings for someone I’ve never met.
This poem is about mourning the things that never started.

I see a notification from you
And I have to push my heart back down into my ribcage.
I have to cut off my breath so I can’t gasp.

I have looked at your profile 27 times this week.
I have memorized the blurry, poorly lit version of your face.
I have waited ten whole minutes for a notification and you have still not said anything.

These feelings are not working out for me,
I would like to return them, please.
Take them back, I do not want them.
They are nothing but rocks on my shoulders.
They are heavier than rocks, they are burdens
Or boulders.
I can’t tell the difference anymore.

What are feelings if you can’t act on them?
What is the point if you already have someone.
I didn’t know.
They didn’t tell me, I swear.
These feelings didn’t put that part in the terms and agreements
When they banged on my door and forced themself into my arms,
Into my head.

You have become the air I breathe,
You have made me hate breathing.
Sometimes I go back and read the things you wrote months and months ago.
The internet is a graveyard
And I have become an archeologist, a gravedigger, a grave robber, a ghost.

When given the choice between sitting and doing nothing
And pressing a button that will shock them,
Humans will always choose the button.
“Stop talking to me,” I want to tell you.
“Stop talking to them,” I want to tell myself.
“It won’t end well,” I say. “This can only end in pain and flames.”
Neither of us listen.
Well, I don’t listen. You’ve never heard me.
I think I’ve decided that painful feelings are better than no feelings at all.
I choose the button.

I could keep adding to this.
I could write stanzas
And stanzas
And continue to put my pain and my happiness into metaphors.
But I’ll end it here.

I don’t know what this poem is about.
Maybe its about the air in my lungs.
Maybe its about the words on my screen.
Maybe its about crying in my room.
Maybe its about the smile on my face.
Maybe its about you.

My dude that’s so beautiful like what????

dfghjkls hi wtf why are all y'all so good at this? i'm getting TWO good poems today and it's incredible. mox this is great! it's a bit clunky at times, but honestly, not really enough to notice!!

my favorite lines have got to be "The internet is a graveyard
And I have become an archeologist, a gravedigger, a grave robber, a ghost." because they just. hit so hard and bro. bro. i can feel the emotion in this thing

Ahdhahfksja thank you guys so much! I have a lot of feelings, let’s just say that.

Which parts are clunky? I kinda wrote this on impulse without a lot of editing except for which stanza goes where.

just the way some stanzas have longer lines and other suddenly have shorter lines. tripped me up and maybe made the flow sorta choppy, but honestly, same. impulse writes can be like that, but they're usually the best for the sole reason of Feelings tm

Moxie. I absolutely love that. It's amazing and I really feel as if you experienced that first hand, with all that emotion in the beginning! (Don't worry, that's a good thing. And also, if that did actually happen to you, I'm sorry.)

Thank you so much!! Omg that’s an amazing compliment. (It did. And thank you but you have nothing to be sorry for. It was my own dumb brain’s fault for catching feelings.

just the way some stanzas have longer lines and other suddenly have shorter lines. tripped me up and maybe made the flow sorta choppy, but honestly, same. impulse writes can be like that, but they're usually the best for the sole reason of Feelings tm

Ohhhhhh yeah yeah yeah that makes a lot of sense
I kind of meant for it to be performed more than read, so it makes a lot more sense when you’re listening to it rather than reading it (I hope lol)

y'all I am living for all the feedback you guys are giving each other!!! It's so cool to see people give each other advice and workign together and just!! aaah

anyway, there were a lot of super cool entries this week and I got really excited and wrote way too much about them haha
All feedback is offered with the usual disclaimers: I don't actually know what I'm doing, these are suggestions for what I think would improve your work and nothing more

that being said, apologies for this wall of text:

@Dances_with_Shadows-is-an-anomaly Welcome back!!
and thank you for blessing us with your writing this week haha - it's vivid and contemplative and descriptive and really fun to read. The backstory was generally sprinkled in super smoothly so I wasn't confused but I also wasn't irritated at an exposition overload - a very nice balance which is hard to achieve so just… really, really well done!
One thing to watch out for is the switch between tenses - I think the majority of it is in past tense, but there are some parts where you switch to present tense (the first sentence is in present tense, for example, and the first few sentences of the second part).
Other than that, one thing to watch out for is over-description - you generally have a really fun, descriptive, elaborate style (which I live for, honestly) but which can sometimes border on purple prose. Part of effective description is about selecting which details are the most relevant what's happening and which fit with the rest of the scene. For example, it makes sense that Aris would describe Ryker so extensively because he's attracted to him (in fact, it's a really cool way of showing us Aris's attraction rather than telling it) - but I did wonder how he could see all of this intense detail if this is all happening at night. Generally, I recommend trying to trim down on the details and really pick out those bits that work the best to paint the picture you're looking at in your head.
Sorry for the essay length response haha - tl;dr I really loved it!! but I also think you can still improve it if you so choose

@Icefire This is really cool! I love the concept and the style is super engaging, so it makes me want to keep reading! You've also handled the backstory pretty gracefully - you make sure I have a vague idea of what's happening but you also withhold full details to keep the sense of mystery.
I think at some points, you could benefit from streamlining it a bit more - for example, "he walked to the console, limping heavily" could become "he limped to the console", or "The dark haired soldier was swaying, and looked like he was having trouble staying upward" could just stay "The dark haired soldier swayed in place". In cases like that, it's just a matter of trusting the reader to pick up on cues that let them know what you're trying to imply, if that makes sense.
(Also, this is probably just an autocorrect thing, but generally if there's a period inside a quotation, the next word after the quotation is still capitalised. So it would be

"Understood." He walked to the console
Just a small grammar thing)

but yeah, this is really cool!!

@crocssant-is-tired Fabulous as ever
Favourite line: "Doormats and fish with rainbow scales/ Walk hand in hand with pioneers and champions of kindness"
But I also agree with what you and @amber_demeter have said - the Giving Tree parts are more consistent with each other than all of the parts together, so it feels like there could be something at the end that draws it all together? idk I really liked the Rainbow Fish part (probably just bc I never read the Giving Tree as a kid and I relate more to the Rainbow Fish one haha)
so yeah, thank you for sharing again!! You're probably the person who shares the most consistently in this chat and it never fails to make my day haha

@amber_demeter aaaah I love it!! Both the concept and the execution!!
The opening line already killed me, honestly, but I think my favourite line overall is "I am never me; my soul, what’s left of it, matches only emotion."
As @crocssant-is-tired mentioned it's a different format from what we've seen in this chat but I think it really works
One thing I would look at again, if you want, is how you use punctuation and linebreaks to indicate pauses. Both are valid, and I honestly live for the caesuras you've got going on (when punctuation breaks up a line with a pause like "smiled, you'd have lost me"). But I wonder if sometimes a linebreak would be more effective than the punctuation?
(this is the time to bring up my eternal disclaimer: I don't write poetry and should probably not be giving out poetry advice)
but yeah, this is so cool and thank you for sharing!!

@Moxie This is honestly fabulous, and I can definitely see how it works out better when it's spoken!
Favourite line: "These feelings are not working out for me,/ I would like to return them, please." because what. a. flippin. mood.
Generally the only thing I could think to point out about this (and as always, please take this with a massive grain of salt) is that I wonder if the amount of different metaphors and analogies ends up distracting from the overall point? It might be more effective to cut down on some smaller points and develop the other ones across the poem (so there's less in it but the stuff that's in it has more internal consistency if that makes sense)?
idk if that makes sense but either way - I love this, thank you for sharing!

And here we have this week's prompts:

Image: "Afterglow" by Joseph Farquharson (I got to see this one in person over the weekend!!)

Music: "Ave Generosa" by Ola Gjeilo

and the word prompt: "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

@Icefire This is really cool! I love the concept and the style is super engaging, so it makes me want to keep reading! You've also handled the backstory pretty gracefully - you make sure I have a vague idea of what's happening but you also withhold full details to keep the sense of mystery.
I think at some points, you could benefit from streamlining it a bit more - for example, "he walked to the console, limping heavily" could become "he limped to the console", or "The dark haired soldier was swaying, and looked like he was having trouble staying upward" could just stay "The dark haired soldier swayed in place". In cases like that, it's just a matter of trusting the reader to pick up on cues that let them know what you're trying to imply, if that makes sense.
(Also, this is probably just an autocorrect thing, but generally if there's a period inside a quotation, the next word after the quotation is still capitalised. So it would be

"Understood." He walked to the console
Just a small grammar thing)

but yeah, this is really cool!!

Ahhhh thank you!! Yeah I kinda over describe like that sometimes sorry

I either turn things in at the last minute or I turn them in in the first few minutes and an in between does not exist. Anyway here’s a poem I titled espresso depresso poem in my doc last night apparently. I’ll get y’all a happier one later too, as an apology!!

I never understood what the phrase wobbly smile meant
Until I was smiling on the verge of tears
Trying to pretend my mind wasn’t crumbling like the ruins of
An old cathedral somewhere in northern France
I am falling apart
The foundations of my being are so weak now
That I do not know how I made it this far
Balancing, teetering, on thin pillars of old stone
A temple in Pompeii that will not last
When my mind and heart erupt and wipe out
Everything around me
A flood of something boiling hot
Trapped deep down for so long underneath earth and rock
That the force it expels with will destroy everything
That smile was my earthquake
Warning trembles before a small eruption
I am waiting for a bigger one to happen
Because it’s just a matter of time

I’m glad there was no funeral for my great grandmother
After her death
I asked myself
What do you wear to a funeral?
And the answer was ‘something to hide the fact that you have not cried since the news’
That suddenly your heart feels so empty
That it feels like you’re doing something wrong
Where is my instruction manual for grief
My Youtube tutorial on how to make yourself feel sorrow and pain
After the passing of a loved one
What am I doing wrong?
Smiling the day after
Why does my mind seem to think the best choice is acting like nothing is different?
And why, for the love of the gods, does it feel like there really is nothing different?
Unless I
Have always been grieving

I am looking
For something to make life worth living
Clinging desperately
And dragging myself step by step
Using temporary and brief solutions
Substitutes to happiness
As foot and hand holds.
I am gluing myself together as fast as I can to keep
From falling apart for good
But shouldn’t there be more?
Every book and every movie says there’s always some quick fix
But my quick fix is a pipe dream I don’t get
Something I never actually get to see or touch
Because my life is not scripted on fancy paper in some director’s office
Instead it is nothing but my hands
And whatever I can build with them
To keep myself afloat
I am falling so fast
Cutting my hands on sharp ledges and mistakes
And I’m convinced I’ll only ever keep falling

I LOVE THIS!!! It's so good. If this is contexed in real life, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Ahhhh thank you!! Yeah I kinda over describe like that sometimes sorry

No worries! and I'm so sorry, there's no need for you to apologise!! It doesn't have to be a negative thing at all, it's just something I noticed about this one specific example of your writing

It is based off real events and the emotions i felt during them, yeah. I appreciate that, thank you dude

@Dances_with_Shadows-is-an-anomaly Welcome back!!
and thank you for blessing us with your writing this week haha - it's vivid and contemplative and descriptive and really fun to read. The backstory was generally sprinkled in super smoothly so I wasn't confused but I also wasn't irritated at an exposition overload - a very nice balance which is hard to achieve so just… really, really well done!

Thank you! As it's an excerpt from a future book, I didn't want to have to repeat things that would've already been known to the audience while still keeping in mind that I haven't provided that information to the audience here.

One thing to watch out for is the switch between tenses - I think the majority of it is in past tense, but there are some parts where you switch to present tense (the first sentence is in present tense, for example, and the first few sentences of the second part).

I do still struggle with tenses, though I will say that I put the first sentence in present because the sky isn't in the past? If that makes sense? Of course, that could just be me and my usual backwards thinking, lmao

Other than that, one thing to watch out for is over-description - you generally have a really fun, descriptive, elaborate style (which I live for, honestly) but which can sometimes border on purple prose. Part of effective description is about selecting which details are the most relevant what's happening and which fit with the rest of the scene. For example, it makes sense that Aris would describe Ryker so extensively because he's attracted to him (in fact, it's a really cool way of showing us Aris's attraction rather than telling it) - but I did wonder how he could see all of this intense detail if this is all happening at night. Generally, I recommend trying to trim down on the details and really pick out those bits that work the best to paint the picture you're looking at in your head.

I have two different comments on this, and please don't take this as me being defensive, I'm just trying to explain my reasonings behind my writing.

1. Aris can see perfectly in the dark. I didn't provide this information to you in the writing because, as I stated earlier, the hypothetical audience I would be writing for already knew this. @crocssant-is-tired knows this: Aris is a moon dragon shapeshifter. That might not make much sense without an explanation, but basically he has a connection to the night and has abilities centered around the moon and the night.
2. I'm blaming my amount of description on me being an artist. When I create characters, I pick out little details to make them them, and I describe the scenery and yadda yadda yadda. I'm an artist, so I focus on little things while also creating the big picture. Does that make sense? I'm weird, I know, so lemme know if it doesn't and I'll try to word and make it a little more legible.