forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

people_alt 130 followers

Deleted user

Hey ya'll, can you tell me if this any good?
JO

The early morning light invaded my dreams like a virus, just as annoying and unwelcome to my sleeping mind. Deciding not to prolong the inevitable, I rolled out of bed, opening my eyes to the equally unwelcome scene of the diphalated room that I called mine. The only person on the same floor as me was Mellie, one of the two Were-wolves in the small group of survivors in this safehouse to the invasion going on around the planet.
Thinking of the invasion brought a familiar, clenching pain in my chest, reminding me of my mother and twin brother, both dead before the Cerenu even came to our city.
The Cerenu were aliens. Everybody had known for years the life existed outside of our system, but they never expected it to come here, which it did, wiping out all coastal inhabitants with the shockwave that was caused by their Texas sized Ship entering the planet’s atmosphere, which also set of tsunamis 70 feet high.
A knock on my door jarred me from the haunting cries that inhabited my memories.
“Come in.” I called, throwing a shirt over my bare body.
The other, older were-wolf of the group entered. “Jo, Hal and Karen want to see you.”
I sighed. Of course they did. I kept breaking the rules, torturing Cerenu, not killing them on sight. I can’t help it if the soulless bastard try to kill me and I’m not good at killing things fast.
“Yeah, okay.” I say. “I’ll be down once I’m dressed.”
Once Ofelia shut the door, I changed, slipping into grey leggings and combat boots. Before leaving, I put my hair in a sloppy hairstyles from the Old World called a Chignon.
Slowly, I made my down the stairs, wiping the sleep from my eyes. At the top of the stairs, only 8 feet from the surface. Close enough to hear the fighting of the Deprived above over food and whatever meager wares we could spare for them. Sitting at the desk next to two massive displays of the few satellites left orbiting the planets, were my two “Bosses”.
The word “Boss” don’t hold a lot of meaning nowadays. Whoever is the strongest or smartest rule, until, they’re beaten. I constantly challenged hal, and always, to my dismay, lost. No matter how strong I am, Hal, somehow, i stronger.
It pisses me off. I’ve never once seen him train, work out, or do anything besides bully us and sit on his ass.
“So,” Hal said, casting me a look of disdain. “You know why your here?”
Karen, the only one of the pairs who anyone liked, looked anxious.
“Not really. Unless I’m in trouble, then I didn’t do it.”
That earned a chuckle from Karen and another scowl from Hal.
“Sadly, no. We’ve decided to end you to the surface for a mission.”
Despite the hate I had for him, a thrill of gratitude for him rushed through me.
Before I could reply, he cut me off.
“We are doing this,” he said in a condescending manner, instantly killing any positive feelings. “To see if you can manage follow orders. Every time we send you kill your captives against our orders to bring them back. On this mission, you are not to kill any Cerenu unless they escape and try to Strip you. If you manage to do this, Karen has convinced to let you tay in the compound, and to give you 75 credits out of your probation. If, however, you fail, you will be kicked out of the compound, and I will personally hunt you down as a Scaver. Do you understand?”
My jaw clenched in rage. I looked at Karen and saw warning in her eyes.
‘Yes.”
Hal, trying to push, added; “Yes what?”
Yes, douche. That better?”
Anger flashed in his purple eyes
“Get out before I change my mind about you.”
I smiled and said before I left the room; “When I get back, I want to Challenge.”
Hal was now smiling.
I left.

@ElderGod-Icefire

Inspired by the image prompt


"But just look at this view!" Meowed the little black cat, staring out at the city with eyes as green as poison.

The girl nodded, reaching down and scratching the cat's head absently. "Yes. It's…very different from the forest we fell asleep to, is it not?" She was a witchling. Last of her kind. She had slumbered for generations in a crystal coffin, her cat and familiar curled up with her. She had been awoken by men in white lab coats who called themselves scientists, who kept her locked away. The shackle on her leg was a constant reminder of that fact.

She was only being permitted to see the view now, as she had been on "such good behavior".

"Elysia? When can we leave?" Asked her familiar, in that language only she could understand.

She looked at her hands. The scientists had figured out something that stripped her off her magic, stole it away and left her as weak as a newborn baby. "I do not know." She replied softly, eyes still taking in the view. "Never, maybe." She sighed, her dark hair floating around her shoulders in a dark cloud.

The cat rubbed against her leg. "I am sorry."

"I know." She said quietly.

Deleted user

@StarkSpangledBanner, I'll be happy to, If you can do mine! (That's what she said.)

@ElderGod-Icefire

Okay, here we go @chaos_generator_13

Okay, first thing right off the bat. Strong beginning, but

equally unwelcome scene of the diphalated room that I called mine.

That, my friend, is a typo. That should be dilapidated. On another note, though, i really enjoy the rhythm that you have flowing right from the get-go.

The only person on the same floor as me was Mellie, one of the two Were-wolves in the small group of survivors in this safehouse to the invasion going on around the planet.

Hmm. This sentence is a bit tangled and confusing, I would suggest rewriting it to sound a bit less so.

Everybody had known for years the life existed outside of our system, but they never expected it to come here, which it did, wiping out all coastal inhabitants with the shockwave that was caused by their Texas sized Ship entering the planet’s atmosphere, which also set of tsunamis 70 feet high.

This is very much a run-on sentence. Wayyy a big run on. You need to shorten this into a few smaller sentences. In addition, this is a bit of an info dump, and so maybe you should spread it out a bit more. Though definitely you need to break up this sentence a little.

Whoever is the strongest or smartest rule, until, they’re beaten.

Those commas don't need to be there, and they interrupt the flow od the sentence. Consider changing it to "Whoever is the strongest or smartest rule until they're beaten".

Overall, you have a really strong story! However. There are quite a few typos, which were rather jarring, and there were strange changes in tense, too, often in the middle of the sentence. Once those typos are fixed and the tense issues mended, this will be very interesting! I'm curious as to what happens next, which is always good for a writer.

Deleted user

Also, I'm going to post it on Wattpad, so I'll pot the link later.

@saor_illust school

Hey y'all, this wasn't based off of the prompts, but for some reason even unknown to me, I decided to write a couple o' short stories based off of some songs from Les Mis:

I Dreamed A Dream
I dreamed a dream in times gone by. My hair is shorn, I have no job nor husband, and neiher have I any clothes besides what I am wearing. Please, will someone let me in? I have debts to pay, a child to feed, please I need help. I know, I know. I'm dirty and poor. I'm disgraceful and "rude". But I'm begging ou, please! Fine, there go my two front teeth. The money I'm paid, five francs go towards my large debt to the Thenardiers, the good people who take care of my child, Cosette. Yes Monsieur, I'll sleep in your stables if you'll let me. Please… I'm already shamed, please don't laugh. Don't joke around… No Monsieur, I don't have any money to pay, please don't throw me out, you're my last chance!

One Day More
Please, Monsieur, I'm begging you. One day is all I need. My children, they're dying, they're starving. Please, Monsieur le maire. I'm pleading with you. I'll do anything you want, ust for one day with my kids! And what of my husband, you ask? In a bitter voice He's gone, he left me, I was forced into a marriage with him and as soon as he could… He took off as far as he could, and left me here alone with three young'uns. Please, I'll die for them, they're all I have! No, no, I don't have a job either. And do you know why? Yes, yes you do. Don't deny it. You were there, you were there when your foreman sacked me. You watched as I was dragged out roughly. You listened, but never came as I cried out, "Monsieur le maire!" Don't lie to me now. No, I won't let you take me awa. Come children, let us go. This officer wo't bother us again, right Monsieur? Come child, let us go. We need to get away from this horrid place. No, child, you may not say goodbye to your friends; we must leave now. We have earned one day more.

Do You Hear The People Sing?
Do you hear us? We cry out for you, our only savior. And yet you so blantantly ignore us and tell us, "No." Why? I don't understand, we don't understand. Why can't you hear our cries for help? Why can't you understand our pleas for help? You fill our small hearts with anger. You fill our hearts with an emotion that shouldn't be here, an emotion we don't even have a name to describe it. A burning rage. We need you now, yet you turn away and ask what's wrong when you know you don't really mean it. Do you hear the people sing?

@StarkSpangledMayflower_Mad_Elder

Panting, she climbed up the stairs, trying to find a place to hide before it got to her. She could hear its Laughter behind her as she scrambled to get to higher ground. Sweat dripping into her eyes, heart pounding, and heavy breaths. "Fly little bird, but where will you go?" she heard it say. Whimpering, she dropped to her knees and shuffled under the bed, keeping an eye on the door.

Passing through the door, she saw it look in and under things until its feet stopped just inches away from her face. She heard it laugh, a sound similar to that of a growl and a rumble. "I see you little bird, won't you come and play?" it asked. she screamed as it grabbed her waist and very easily threw her onto her bed. "Come now, that was very rude, little bird." it smiled, pointed teeth gleaming in the evening light. Bringing up its hand, it quickly clawed her—

Robin jerked awake, pencil and a couple scraps of paper sticking to her face as she opened her eyes. With shaking hands she peeled away the paper and looked at what she had drawn now. A creature with blood red eyes, thick, trunk like feet, long clawed hands, and sharp, pointed teeth stared back at her. "What have I done?" she gasped, looking for the pencil she used to draw the creature. The page shimmered before her eyes and disappeared. She ran down the stairs to find the shadow of a monster in the kitchen. Gasping, she turned around and ran back up the stairs which, like before seemed to be never ending. finally getting away, she ran into her room and hid under her bed. "Come out little bird!" she heard it growl. Robin whimpered and its feet stopped right by the bed. A clawed hand grabbed her and threw her on the waist and slashed her—

Robin fell out of her chair and looked at the drawing to see a creature with red eyes staring at her. "what have I done?"

@cue-nervous-humming

As the last line makes fairly obvious, i used the 'heart and mind' prompt for this one:

Blue Giant

You said to love you
With all my heart
Want it to burn
Like scarlet flame,
Visibly warm
Yellow light that douses your home
In brightness
A golden retriever
Of a heart that jumps
Up your chest and licks your face
Because to touch is to love
And to love is to be happy
To be happy with you
Saying I need you in my life
I love you
I love you
Please, stay

But i can only love you
With all my mind
I burn so hot
It feels like freezing,
Blue flame
Cold light that does not spread far
Beyond you
A dusky cat
Of a heart that lies
Down belly up near your feet
Because to trust is to love
And to love is to show you
Show you I do
Saying I trust you with my life
I respect you
I trust you
I'll stay

And what are mind love and heart love
But two stars in the same universe
A blue giant, that will exist
for many years to come
A red giant, beautiful for
How brightly it burns before it dies out
And maybe if they collide
They'll form a planet we can both call home
The fire of heart and mind in one.

@ninja_violinist

All right y'all!! There were a lot of really cool entries this week, thank you to everyone who shared their stuff here! (apologies in advance about the massive block of text that I'm about to toss your way)
Today's prompts are on the way and should be up in half an hour or so!

@StarkSpangledBanner This is really raw and unnerving, so well done for creating such a strong effect! The repetition is super surreal to read, as well as some more minimalist descriptions that leave the reader to fill in the rest in our imagination. Especially in horror (I'm assuming that's what this is meant to be), it's a really cool technique to leave things implied and up to interpretation.
I noticed that there were quite a few "ing" verb constructions - "panting", "trying", "dripping", "pounding", "whimpering", etc. It's definitely a style thing, but it does feel a bit excessive. Using verbs like that implies that several actions are taking place at the same time, so for example in the third paragraph it's implied that the gasp and the search for a pencil happen at the same time. I guess I recommend looking at places like that and asking yourself if the simultaneity is necessary and how much it adds to what you're going for.
But yeah, I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you for joining!

@crocssant-does-not-have-a-date This imagery is so vivid and beautiful aaah I love it
Favourite line: "like you could throw a stone and shatter it into a million pieces/ and scatter them among the peaks"
Towards the end, there were a few bits that started to confuse me - what does "a yellow brick road not any of those things but my road, my path" mean, exactly?
Also, I wonder if the last line is as effective as it could be?
But that's probably just me. Really well done, thank you so much for joining!

@chaos_generator_13 This was really fun to read! You're really good at characterisation and setting up stakes and tension right from the get-go - I'm immediately invested in whether or not the main character can overcome her dislike of the Cerenu and follow the orders she's been given!
I think @Icefire already addressed a lot of what I was going to say about flow, punctuation, and grammar. That just leaves me to wonder if you're maybe introducing too much information in one go? One thing about fantasy and sci-fi settings is that there's so much backstory and information that the writer has to make deliberate choices about what information is essential to a scene and what can be said later. How relevant is it right now that her mother and twin are dead? How relevant are the specifics of the invasion? How relevant is her hairstyle? What kind of information could you withhold and sprinkle in later when it feels more natural?
But yeah, this was really good! Thank you for sharing!

@Icefire I'm glad to know that the prompts do still inspire people! I really enjoyed reading yours, thank you for sharing!
It's a bit short to pick out techniques that stand out particularly, since it's mainly explanation of where she is and how she got there, but I really love the concept! It has a very sad and resigned feel, especially with the image in mind
Quick question - are the cat and her familiar separate things or is the cat the familiar? The crystal coffin sentence kind of had me confused on that
Other than that, I only have a formatting pointer - I noticed you capitalised everything that comes after dialogue. That can be correct depending on the circumstance, but there are definitely words ("meowed", "asked", "she replied" and "she said") that I think should be small. There's a really good tutorial for this over in the Sharing and Critiques board which I definitely recommend checking out!

@izzyandviolins Thank you for joining again!! I have to say I've only seen Les Mis once and that was at like…. 2 am, so I don't really know what's happening, but it's cool that you were inspired by it!
They feel almost like stream of consciousness writings, where you've explored what the characters were thinking and saying as the events take place (especially the second one) - it's a really cool exercise on getting to know characters and getting in their heads! It just leaves me a little lost because I'm not 100% sure what's going on. Maybe formatting it in paragraphs would help? Though I can see why it would be one big block if it's really meant to be their thought process and the immediate reactions to events… idk, it depends on what you're going for I guess
Either way, these were fun to read even if I didn't fully understand them! You definitely used some strong, passionate language!

@cue-nervous-humming Hey, haven't seen you around in a while - welcome back! Thank you for sharing again! (I remember you'd also share feedback on things in the past - if you have time, I'd love to hear more of your critiques!)
About the poem - whoa. The imagery is so strong! I love all the contrasting images - yellow/red and blue, dog and cat, bright and dark, warm and cold, saying and showing… and heart and mind of course
Favourite line: "what are mind love and heart love/ but two stars in the same universe"
The main thing I wonder at is the line placement and punctuation. I can't quite follow the logic of some of them. "of a heart that lies/down belly up near your feet" really confused me the first time I read it. I'm guessing there's a pause between down and belly?
idk please take this with a grain of salt
but yeah, I love this!! It really made me think!

@ninja_violinist

And for this week's prompts:

Music prompt, brough to you by @crocssant-does-not-have-a-date: "Blood//Water" by grandson

Image prompt: "Solace" by Jade merien(I've linked the artstation account but please also check them out on social media!) :

and the word prompt, "Remember to Forget" by Erin Hanson (I've linked the book where I found it, but I think she's also active on social media so please check her out if you like her work!):

The irony of life
Is our greatest fear is to forget,
Yet it's the only certain fate
That anything has ever met.
We know one day our earth
Will find itself victim to time,
That nothing will be left
To tell of your story or mine,
And still through life we rush
Scrambling for something to remember,
Perish the thought that ash be ash
And not the memory of an ember.

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire I'm glad to know that the prompts do still inspire people! I really enjoyed reading yours, thank you for sharing!
It's a bit short to pick out techniques that stand out particularly, since it's mainly explanation of where she is and how she got there, but I really love the concept! It has a very sad and resigned feel, especially with the image in mind
Quick question - are the cat and her familiar separate things or is the cat the familiar? The crystal coffin sentence kind of had me confused on that
Other than that, I only have a formatting pointer - I noticed you capitalised everything that comes after dialogue. That can be correct depending on the circumstance, but there are definitely words ("meowed", "asked", "she replied" and "she said") that I think should be small. There's a really good tutorial for this over in the Sharing

Thanks! Oof, the capitalization is autocorrect on my phone lol. Yes, cat and familiar are one and the same

Deleted user

So, this lullaby is in a made up language.

Anve ti uyo evlan tu kieat, oyur vitr mi liw raedo
Te ceint fo tirg va dag liw obeg vitao
Tirg va dag ceint van emoc silas surt infino
Surt me va uyo liw hir ot et abn umbru avin
Yim vit si oyurc, ma dilech va beg uyo , mi liw obeg evido
Kap a evda vita la et mit va ni kiegr, kes tno sith vito fo dogin
Ni yim ydormc, uyo liw raedio eb Mi evol uyo ot et denec fo et terris
Va ni yim ydormal, uyo liw eb infino efsa tirg kiero

Translated
Even if you walk into trouble, I will keep your life safe
The work of being right and good will give good peace
From right and good work will come quiet trust forever
Trust me and you will fall into the deep darkness not
My life is yours, my child, and for you, I will give it gladly
Keep a glad heart all the time and in trouble, seek out this soul of mine.
In my arms, you will safely be. I love you to the ends of the earth
And in my embrace, you will be forever safe from harm

Hope you like it.
I stole some of this stuff from the book of psalms.