“Taxes, bitch.”

"Mentally unstable children should not eat lunch on the roof."

"Try to be enthusiastic about running to laps"
"We're depressed high-schoolers, we don't do 'enthusiastic'!" Me to my pe teacher today

"McKenzie cuts the grape in half, examines the inside, then proceeds to eat it."
"EAT IT WHOLE! GAYS EAT IT WHOLE! HETEROS CUT IT IN HALF!"

"Lemme get that sweet, sweet quintillion dollars on mars…"

"I hate swans, they're so thicc."
"Are you really getting jealous over a bird?"
"Yes."

“Feel my hand”
“Why?”
“It’s so smooth”
“Zoë, why is your hand smooth?”
“Because I slapped it”
Me and my friend talking

“Why do people say ‘If you have the balls to do it?’ Balls are weak af. They’re literally guys’ weak spot.”
“Haha, anyone with the vagina to skip practice can hang with me at Starbucks tomorrow!”

"Hitler’s words affected German citizens, making them fall head over heels in love with a hunky man like himself".
And in the same class…
"Joseph Stalin used propaganda like a cupcake and on top sprinkled copious amounts of death as the sprinkles."

Student: if I can’t use that as my yearbook badge photo I’m going to kill someone
My ela teacher, who’s also in charge of yearbook: no balls you won’t

"Is there an orange teletubby?"
immediately "Tinky Winky."

"I SUDDENLY FEEL ATTACKED FOR KNOWING THE NAMES OF ALL THE TELETUBBIES"

"Smash or pass Pennywise"
"SMASH"

(Happened today next to my locker.)
Kid 1: "Don't touch me! Imma beat your sexy ass."
Kid 2: "Yo, that's GAY!"

"Smash or pass the purple teletubby"

"Smash. Hard."

"Stop."

SMASH OR PASS LAPORTE'S OVERSIZED JESUS SANDALS

"As a person who is filled with anger hate and also a Hufflepuff, that stereotype is not true and very dangerous" -me
"That's how you should introduce yourself. As a person filled with anger and hate" -my friend
"Hufflepuffs are the most likely to want to burn you at the stake" -my other friend

“What’s a fun fact about yourself.”
“I’ve almost drowned 3 times.”
“That’s not fun.”
My friend asking me about myself. Ima DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN

“If you fall asleep you’re gay.”

"Okay, so I took this what Frozen character are you test because I wanted to, but I already knew I was Elsa of course everybody knows that I mean I know all the words to let it go so I HAVE to be Elsa right? So I do the test, knowing I'll get Elsa, and do you know who I get? I get HANS. Of all the people I could have gotten, I got Hans. I thought I was Elsa. Hans was the frickin antagonist how am I Hans? I would have been fine if I had gotten Anna, or Kristoff, or Sven or Olaf or even the Snow Monster! Wait the snow monster's name is marshmallow. I LOVE MARSHMALLOWS I WOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY FINE GETTING MARSHMALLOW BUT NOOO I GOT HANS I DON'T EVEN LIKE HANS. I think the test was just wrong everyone knows I'm Elsa so the test has to be wrong, right?"

One of my friends ranting to me while I'm half listening and half being concerned about her sanity.

"If you don't write the essay then technically you made no spelling and grammar errors"

"When normal people buy a house, it usually comes with a door."

"So some people have been asking me, 'are you really not straight or just pretending for clout?'"
"And what do you say to them?"
"Well, Mia, I pull on my knee-high socks and kick them in the face"

(This was me to my trans friend who told me about this kid with black hair and one white stripe in his hair who said something really offensive to him.)
"That kid with the white patch of hair? OOOOOH IMMA SMACK THE WHITE OUT OF HIS HAIR. Nonono wait… IMMA SMACK THE BLACK OUT OF HIS HAIR!

(This was me to my trans friend who told me about this kid with black hair and one white stripe in his hair who said something really offensive to him.)
"That kid with the white patch of hair? OOOOOH IMMA SMACK THE WHITE OUT OF HIS HAIR. Nonono wait… IMMA SMACK THE BLACK OUT OF HIS HAIR!

(You punched the highlights out of her hair!)