forum (OPEN AGAIN!!!!) I'm in the mood to critique people's characters! Drop them off if you want :)
Started by @Kaloobia
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Jana

@Jana Thanks for your patience!!
Saorise:

  • Her Looks are great, nothing to say here!
  • Very nice specifics in Mannerisms! Does she speak a certain way, have an accent, a particular vocabulary? Any nervous ticks or tells for when she's lying?
  • "demeanor often gets misread" what exactly do you mean by this? It's a bit vague. I also don't quite see how things like "soft-hearted" and "timid" are necessarily flaws, these warrant some explanation. And what do you mean by "affecting others is the last thing she wants to do"? And why is that a flaw? You have a good list, but some of the traits need context.
  • "more, im just lazy" babe,,
  • Both Motivations and Hobbies are very good.
  • "The King" by Conan Gray?? I love the song, but I'd be very intrigued by how it relates back to Saorise: I don't see much of a correlation, and if you feel up to it, maybe also elaborate on that as well? The song itself is about a guy who puts on false confidence to hide how expendable he feels around the person he likes: Saorise doesn't strike me as the type to "front", so if this is a part of her personality then mention it! Also maybe put the artists of the songs so I can be sure haha
  • Overall I have a good idea of Saorise form her Nature section, so that's good!
  • Some categories are blank in Social but it's alright, everything looks fine!
  • Wow that's a lot of languages!! Is she fluent, like actually fluent, in all of them? No problems in Background, except that I have little context for the story so I don't understand the schooling system haha
  • Very nice Gallery :) Also wow you really have a generational story planned, not to mention a tragic ending for this one here :o

You did a good job with her: some elements need to be better developed or explained, but you're on the right track with her and she's clearly well-thought out! I hope this proved helpful, good luck! :)

Aww, haha thank!

  • I want to clear up a few things; I chose "The King" Becuase she falls in love with one of the most infamous boys in her school and becomes best friends with him first. He dosn't realize his feelings towrds her for a long time, and has dated close to 50ish people from 7th to when he finally dates her.
  • Yeah she's completely fluent in all those languages
  • And she can become too meek and timtid to not say anything even when it would benifit her or. another. The soft-hearted part plays into her naivity, opening her heart to everyone and anyone even to her detriment and not being able to say no.
  • And I suppose she would have a french accent on most of her vocab and but a irish on some, and then a chinese accent on some too becuase of were she has lived.
    And thanks so much… I've never had someone analyze. one. of my characters before. Thanks!

@Kaloobia

OPEN AGAIN!!
Probably VERY temporary, I'm almost finished with midterms and so there's gonna be a calm weekend that follows. Please review my rules at the beginning of the thread from way back when haha. Excited to see your characters! ^^

@Kaloobia

@SunGod
Cameron:

  • LOVE the detail about him stealing his friends' clothes <3
  • A good tidbit in Weight, but it would still help to have an actual number there. Same for Height, I have No Idea how tall his companions are.
  • This might just be me but I find it hard to imagine hair that is straight AND fluffy: do you mean soft? Is it not naturally straight, and therefor has some fuzz when it is Straightened? Maybe be more specific here or else use another adjective.
  • Skin tone has great details, and good Identifying marks here as well :)
  • the "Conditions" section is for disabilities or mental illnesses, even odd "powers"! :) In case no one has told you yet haha. Regardless, you do perfectly with what you've written, and I love the detail surrounding the voices, others' perception of Boss and his demons, how it has affected him.
  • In Talents, "stopping arguments" took me by surprise, and doesn't really line up so far with his Personality: therefor, it warrants some details/explanation. I get the impression of a tough kid who goes looking for trouble, even if it is just a front: he seems like the type to START arguments, because isn't that what tough kids do?? I'd love to see you elaborate on the strained connection between who he is and who he pretends to be, put them in contrast to each other a little more. He's "confident" but then "not as fearless as he pretends": so is that confidence at all real or only partially? There are some contradictions in his personality that don't make perfect sense, because you don't elaborate enough on them, and this sparks a bit of confusion. It should not be up to the reader to guess which part of your character is real and which part is a mask.
  • LOVE his Prejudice, very Kid Who Grew Up During The Vietnam War (or even more Modern, think Greta Thunberg, her disappointment with the adults around her). There's a rebelliousness there that you allude to earlier in his profile but don't state outright: don't be afraid to state the obvious! :) It's usually in doing so that you find things to elaborate on, turning an adjective into a description. If his mindset is "FUCK THE SYSTEM", talk about that. Does he want to turn it over, start a new government structure? Or is he more cynical in knowing that he hates the system but can't get out of it, fueling an anger that he doesn't really know what to do with? There's another element you're leaving out, Anger. It seems obvious that he would be an angry kid, feeling like he can't trust the adults around him and feeling belittled and feeling unsafe under his government, but you don't mention it very much, let alone the consequences of these feelings. You mention that he doesn't want pity, doesn't want to be looked down on, and that because of past experiences he has closed in on himself with the exception of a few close friends; where's the ANGER, the INDIGNATION, and is THAT what fuels his troublemaker side and persona, rather than a need to fit in??
  • " and will just strike out at random things occasionally. " this. is. good. Yes it has to do with his twitchiness, but it also hints at an irritation that I do not get from his profile until now. Of COURSE he's sick of the demons, exhausted and irritated with their unwelcome company, probably hates how weird they make him come off to strangers, especially since he's one to care about appearances. I just,,,,,, feel like he would be a much angrier person than you describe him to be. If he's not angry, there needs to a very clear and valid reason why.
  • I know I went OFF haha, but his Nature section is really quite good and detailed, just a bit disorganized and lacking some obvious statements.
  • Great Social section, and the Fav Possession part introduces a selfless/caring side that I would love to see elaborated as well, maybe in Personality type.
  • "Nothing annoys the demons like him talking about them like don't exist." hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa <3
  • "Anarchist, if anything. He's never put too much thought into it. He generally hates politics. He's here to have fun and rebel, not get caught up in the unnecessary details of liars and cheaters." <—- Ok this? Another good shot at detail, but a little contradictory. I will ask this: how much does politics affect him? How much does Boss suffer under the current political structure? If the answer is "a lot", he cannot afford to not be interested in politics, because it impacts his life in manners of money and basic human rights. No kid uses the excuse "I'm too young for politics :P" anymore unless they come from a well-off family: on the contrary, it's the adults who will tell them they don't know anything, and you even MENTION that in his Nature section, that Boss knows a lot more about politics than those stupid adults give him credit for. So to see this in his official Politics tab, that he "hasn't put much thought" into it, confuses me very much and takes me out of the experience because it does not make sense, from everything I've read so far. He can hate politics, in fact it makes sense for his character, but to say he doesn't get involved when he clearly has hard opinions on it doesn't make sense.
  • Ah yes the "Job / Occupation" tabs and how they're basically the same thing :P People take care of it differently. Some people only fill one, others repeat the same thing twice. I like to put the general Title of their post in Occupation, and then maybe detail it in Job. You could also very well say "Student", as that is an actual option on forms when you have to put down your occupation.
  • Ok, Background explains a Lot, and you may have to ignore some of my earlier critiques haha. However, (and I hesitate to say it), this whole family situation sounds a bit…… idealistic? As in you would very, very rarely see this sort of healthiness in a real family, especially during war time. It makes sense if they have money that the war doesn't affect them much, and it's naïve of Boss to attribute this lack of difficulty to their close relationship, and not to the fact that they're well-off and sheltered. (Meanwhile you say that he's very smart. Of course smart does not equal self-aware but,,). Why is he rebellious if his home life is so comfy, if he knows that not all adults are bad since he can tell his parents are trying their best? Where does this "troublemaker" side of him, real or fake, come from???? It would make MUCH more sense if his parents fought a lot and didn't stop when he came between them, if there were real and heavy tensions at home that led him to lash out when outside the house. It would make sense for him to hate adults if the two adults who raised him were Not Great, whether outright or by accident. But everything is good and fine at home??? They all love each other?? They fight sometimes but he's the glue that holds them together, AND this doesn't affect him negatively?? (It can be very taxing and toxic for a child to feel responsible for making sure there are no problems, for a child having to hold together a mariage.) If things are, in fact, not so easy, please make that more clear.
  • "Wow" on the birthday thing haha, good details here and very unconventional.
  • "He could be great at school, if he tried, but he believes it's mostly propaganda." Why would him thinking it's propaganda lead him to not trying hard enough in school?? What's the point of that??? Do they recruit the smartest kids into the government or something haha
  • I also get another element to his personality here in the Education part, that he's a rule-breaker for the "greater good", stealing books and protecting them. Maybe elaborate on this because it might add solidity to his character.
  • " "Not in this economy" and all that jazz." A little odd, considering the family is well-off. Be more specific as to why the father does not allow pets. It can be as simple as him not liking animals.
  • Great Notes, and a lot of stuff that could be mentioned earlier in Nature, to avoid confusion. But again, I don't register anything until this particular section about how sad and tired and lonely he is, or is supposed to be. These things should be elaborated on earlier, and I expect them but am only handed these details at the very very end.
  • One second Boss is a Good Boy Who Pretends To Be Bad and then the next he's Actual A Serious Troublemaker That People Disapprove Of. There's such a LEAP there.

Overall Boss's character seems stuck between a rebellious teen with issues but a good heart, or a sheltered rich kid who plays troublemaker because he doesn't really understand how serious this all is. These are two VERY contradicting identities and you don't go all the way with either of them, making for a lot of confusion in his profile. Basically I don't understand the psychology of this character, because I'm being tugged in two very different directions while reading about him. Try to really DECIDE which direction you want to take with him, because there are so many good elements and details and interesting ideas here, but the disorganization of his character really takes away from that, for me.
I'm sorry this got so long wow!!! I know I write a lot and I formally apologize haha. I hope this was helpful though?? And I hope I didn't come off TOO harsh. Good luck with Boss!

@Kaloobia

@Kinarymo hi again! sorry to tell you this haha, but I've already critiqued Virion :) Thanks for dropping him off though, I love the new illustration for him that you've added! <3

@Kinarymo

ah, so sorry :"D i keep forgetting which characters ive sent and which i haven't qwq I'm glad u like the illustration (tho i did add some new info about Virion recently, to explain some stuff)

If its ok, can i send this boyo instead? q3q

@Mojack group

I saw this was opened so I was wondering if you could take a look at my character Freya? I want to expand her character a bit more as well, she's fairly recent though I have quite a bit written up about her

@Oakiin

Thanks so much for critiquing Boss! (Again? xD)
I know the height/weight hasn't changed, but I'm still figuring that out myself xD They're all roughly average, but I need to fill out the other's sheets before I can decide for sure xD
You gave me a lot to think about, I'm really looking forward to improving him using your tips : D Thanks again, you're the best! ^^

@Kaloobia

@Kinarymo There are no problems! ^^
Natory:

  • Is he skinny in an unhealthy way? Does he have any meat on his bones at all? Other than that very good Looks section :)
  • "Fearless in front of his enemies, is always very careful about his actions and isn't one to back down at any costs." What if the best, most logical course of action is a tactical retreat?
  • VERY good Nature section, as always you go into wonderful depth, but then for Flaws you don't…. write very much. This could be explained by you going into great detail on some of his flaws in Personality Type, but it wouldn't hurt to move some of those into the Flaws category, and maybe elaborate on some of the other things, like why is it bad that he drinks so much coffee?? It's not like alcohol where it can ruin your entire life, most people are addicted to coffee and it's just fine, if it maybe has something to do with him being "older" and coffee being known for increasing heartrate and blood pressure, specify. Same for the last thing, why is it a flaw to be (righteously) "done with everyone's shit"? And for Prejudice, it took me a hot minute to realize that it was a philosophy of his, nihilism or perhaps existentialism?? Either way warrants some explanation.
  • I'm surprised there isn't any jealousy/rivalry on Natory's part in regards to his best friend? It happens though. Other than that great backstory, especially thorough for a side character.
  • Why isn't his daughter listed in his Children Tab? Have you not created her yet?
  • I'm curious why you have the info for Morphidae in the Species Tab, when you say that Natory is a Gelf? Is he a sub-species??

Overall wonderful details, especially for a side character, you're always so thorough and I really appreciate it :) Not very much to say on my end haha, sorry, but I hope there is something helpful in all this regardless!! Good luck ^^

@Kaloobia

Hmm, I might get a character up later. I have one of my guys I have to work on first though…

Sounds good! Drop off a character whenever you're ready :)

@Morosis group

I know you've already analysed her but I corrected a few things and am back for more. I'm not that confident on her as I am with other characters, so if there is anything which I should correct or elaborate on, just let me know. Avia Donielle Petelo

This is honestly my favourite character analysis page. You give such good, detailed advice and criticism but at the same time make it sound professional and polite. Also, you are a great writer too so I know I can learn a lot from you. (I've been to many character analysis pages where they've either been too brash or, in honesty, quite rude.)

@Kinarymo

Ayo, tysm for the feedback o3o
I'll try fix those things in the "Nature" Tab, tho i tend to not be able to come up with flaws when im thinking of them separated from his personality. They come hard to me :'D
Regarding coffee, im making it a flaw because that's pretty much the only thing he seems to eat - that wouldnt be a problem for him as a Morphidae, but still
I get why u'd be surprised about the lack of jealousy towards his friend, especially when the other was clearely more gifted and luckier than him, but he respected his friend regardless, not to mention the guy was a prince after all.
I haven't made his daughter yet, i'm still unable to decide on some facts regarding her that would make sense without clashing with the rules.
And oh god, the Gelf thing >.> That was the original name of the specie before i changed it to Morphidae; i had to change the info of the specie for every character to bring it up to date but i must have skipped a few.

Thanks again for the critique, it was helpful as always :D ❤

@Kaloobia

@Mojack
Freya:

  • You do good in the Looks section, but I hesitate to say I have a clear image of her in my head: maybe add a few more details/adjectives in Body type (thin as in lean, or more on the unhealthy side? does she have any chub situated on her body at all?) and Identifying marks (nose shape? posture? and for some reason I'm imagining her with freckles?????? that's literally just me tho haha), even Skin tone (what are the undertones, pink or yellow or cold?).
  • Her Nature section is so great!!!!! Wonderful detail on so many aspects of her person. I'm only left questioning what her sense of humor is like, if she has any to speak of; and also, after she shifts back from kaiju to human, does she retain any injuries from her kaiju form? If so, it would be odd for her to not care about the damage she sustains in that form, but like you mentioned, perhaps her mind is a little fuzzy and unaware of the after-effects. In that case, link the two elements together, add some cohesion and explain the connection there. Again, really good job here overall.
  • You imply a dramatic shift between the ages 23 and 25: yet you don't really explain what happened here for Freya's opinions to change so drastically and so quickly. I assume it's because she joined the gang, and through living alongside them her beliefs have changed (and/or she's been brainwashed?? there's some gray morality here, I love that). But that's only an assumption on my part, and it's not up to the reader to guess at something this important. Try to fit it into Background if you can, or at least allude to it more concretely.
  • Great worldbuilding in Notes!

Freya feels like a solid character! A few loose ends here and there but you've done a good job with her so far :) Thanks for submitting her, and I hope this proved helpful!

@Kaloobia

@Icefire Thank you for waiting!
Buck:

  • Any particular consistency of his hair? Is it choppy, spiky, does it fall flat on his head? I'd recommend more details/adjectives in Body type as well, is he lean or does he have some chub (that has transformed into muscle?) or does he have especially long legs or large hands? etc. Skin tone is fine, I'm nitpicking when I say that unless he's literally paper-white, it's better to use words like alabaster or pale or fair, especially when you follow it up with an "official skin qualifier" (=tan). Good Identifying marks! I have a pretty decent image of him in my head so that's good :)
  • You have a good foundation in Nature, and I encourage you to elaborate, because I can't really get a feel of his personality yet. He's short-tempered in an action-oriented manner, but does this extend to smaller things like when the internet is being slow, or when others around him are wasting time, or when he has to wait for results instead of immediate feedback? His Motivations imply he's vengeful, which could be another flaw to elaborate on. He's confident, but how does this manifest itself? Everything you put in mannerisms are more personality, but if you describe how he shows these aspects of himself you'd have a quite a lot in ways of specific details: how does he show he's protective or confident, with his posture? tone of voice? the way he acts in regards to others? Elaborate. Is he ever insecure, and if so does he have a defense mechanism, perhaps lashing out since you describe him as short-tempered. What's his sense of humor like? On that note, in Mannerisms, things to think about: what's his laugh like? What does his voice sound like? Does he have an accent of any kind? Does he walk a certain way, does he gesture a lot, does he have Resting Bitch Face, does he have nervous ticks, is he restless in his movement, I could go ON haha. Just small details that make him more real and even relatable.
  • His Hobbies and Talents are identical haha, not a bad thing but maybe there are other things that might be exclusive to just one of the categories? Another nitpick.
  • In what way is he a Commander? Does he have charisma, does he have a good reputation and track record, is he respectful in a way that incites the same from others? What qualifies him as a leader? Another possible flaw, is he perhaps over-protective of his loved ones, restricting their independence because he's worried about their safety? Is he a worrier in general?? Is he more stoic or more expressive????
  • I! WANT! DETAILS!! ^^ It's important to know your character inside and out because it makes your writing really FLOW and makes it soooo much easier to write them.
  • Good context in Politics: how does this experience color his view of politics, of the government, of society and societal structure? What does he think if the people in power?
  • "everything cHanGed when tHE FiRe nAtiON attacked" i'm not funny i'm sorry, other than that solid backstory, and a lot of stuff that could be elaborated on in his Nature section! His preference for the adventurous and tough Leilson over preppy boring school boys, his love for storytelling and his relationship with his kid cousins, the possible complex that could form after the betrayal of a family friend. It raises another issue, his trust levels.
  • Interesting that he's still inexperienced at his magic, it sort of contradicts his "confident" trait as most people definitely stumble and doubt themselves with such a new skill, and there's the added layer of his being distrustful of magic: interesting what that would do to his perception of himself.

You've got a good outline and some pertinent examples, but you could so much deeper and Buck has a lot of potential! I wish you luck with NaNo, I hope this was helpful to you! ^^

@Kinarymo

Hoi hoi o3o it's me again o/
It took me a while to figure out which characters ive sent you and which i havent, but eventually i dug up this boyo :"D
Sadly there's no art for him yet but i hope i'll manage to give him a face soon enough q3q
So without further ado, here's Hanami

@ElderGod-Icefire

No problem!!
Ooh thank you so much!
Yeah, I've been working on adding more detail, my issue is that I tend to keep my characters in my head, and forget to put down everything on their character sheets XD

His Hobbies and Talents are identical haha, not a bad thing but maybe there are other things that might be exclusive to just one of the categories? Another nitpick.

Oof yeah I'll fix that

In what way is he a Commander? Does he have charisma, does he have a good reputation and track record, is he respectful in a way that incites the same from others? What qualifies him as a leader? Another possible flaw, is he perhaps over-protective of his loved ones, restricting their independence because he's worried about their safety? Is he a worrier in general?? Is he more stoic or more expressive????

He…isn't sort of? Like he thinks of himself as one, but in reality he's just kind of a whiny, arrogant little bitch. which I should probably actually put on the damn sheet lol oops

I! WANT! DETAILS!! ^^ It's important to know your character inside and out because it makes your writing really FLOW and makes it soooo much easier to write them.

I know, I'm going to work on that. Thank you!

"everything cHanGed when tHE FiRe nAtiON attacked" i'm not funny i'm sorry, other than that solid backstory, and a lot of stuff that could be elaborated on in his Nature section! His preference for the adventurous and tough Leilson over preppy boring school boys, his love for storytelling and his relationship with his kid cousins, the possible complex that could form after the betrayal of a family friend. It raises another issue, his trust levels.

I was rereading his backstory and I thought of that too lol Okay! I'll work on that

Interesting that he's still inexperienced at his magic, it sort of contradicts his "confident" trait as most people definitely stumble and doubt themselves with such a new skill, and there's the added layer of his being distrustful of magic: interesting what that would do to his perception of himself.

I should have been more specific with this, sorry. He's inexperienced because he doesn't actually gain his magic until like 3/4s of the way through the story, so that's why. Sorry, I should have specified that.

Thank you so much!!

@Kaloobia

@Icefire Hey thanks for your clarifications! And don't apologize at all haha, these characters are for you first and foremost after all, I'm just a sounding board. I'm glad I could help! :) :)