I'd love to take a look at people's characters! The more I do this the more I realize I quite like it, as long as it's on my own terms hahaaaaa
I'd like to lay down some ground rules:
Please only send one character at a time! You can always come back a second or third time after I've finished your current critique :)
I know I come off rough sometimes, and I write A LOT which might make you feel like your character has a lot wrong with them BUT I JUST OVER-EXPLAIN MYSELF, which makes for some long sentences and some repetition. Don't take it personally, because that's all on me ^^
I tend to ask a lot of questions, or ask for clarifications, when critiquing haha, don't be afraid to get back to me about them!
I'd prefer if you sent in characters that you've already developed decently: no one-word filling of every category, or the mere skeleton of a character, because it doesn't give me much to work with. Thank you.
Any advice I give is recommended, not set in stone: you do not have to take me up on advice that doesn't work for you. Just think of me as a sounding board!
That's all I can think of. I'll be closing/opening the thread regularly so as not to get bombarded with a bunch of requests haha. Hit me! :)
I'd really appreciate it if you could critique my character Hinata. I have her fully fleshed out, but I'm not sure if I got everything down properly to where it could make as much sense to other people as I intended. Thank you!
In Looks, do you mean she has bangs hanging over her left eye?
I'm going to assume that the eye that was "mcmurdered" is the left, the one she's covering with her bangs? Since you can't see it "99% of the time". I'd suggest saying that directly! It shouldn't be up to the reader to assume things about your character, try to be as clear as possible.
"but not to the point where she says one thing and you're like wow dude can you don't but more like she says something and you're like hey,,,,, stop" While this made me laugh I'm not sure what difference you're establishing between the two? Also, being cynical is one thing, but being VOCAL about it to the point of shocking is something else entirely: it could be bluntness, or a tendency to be a smart-ass or "woke" or "hey I'm just being real bro, don't get mad that I hurt your snowflake feelings with how real I'm being". Regardless, all of this would go into Personality, or Flaws, depending on the spin you choose to take. What would stay in Mannerisms is her way of talking or, as you put it, her tendency to shock or upset others with her words.
Understandable she doesn't like idiots, but what qualifies "idiot" to her? It's different for everyone. And what's her reason for disliking "overly happy people"? Does she assume it's an act, and therefor hates "fake" people? Is she skeptical of their intentions? Do they simply grate on her nerves due to her own pessimism? Does she have a bad history with these types of people? And what do you mean by "exceptions", there's nothing in History that would develop on this.
Elaborate on her Fears. Just one word is not enough to understand exactly what "abandonment" means to Jade, in regards to who, the severity or the depth.
In Favorite Weapons. I would avoid saying things like "because reasons" as an explanation, especially when you're giving a character up for critique haha. I have no idea what that means. No one knows what that means. It's an interesting detail, but a reader cannot be expected to put two and three and five together to paint a picture of whatever may have happened to Jade to make her the way she is. If you yourself don't know why she carries a knife around, or haven't quite figured that out yet, better not to put anything at all. Don't raise curiosity for something that remains unexplained.
So far, all I have is that Jade is a cynical college-age girl with an unexplained (possibly traumatic?) backstory. I have a bit of a hard time visualizing her, which I guess you are aware of since you preface your link by saying you haven't written everything down ;) I hope you don't find me too harsh for saying this, but it's hard to understand what you want critiqued when there's,,, so little to critique, simply because there isn't very much written down. I'd suggest going over every category and putting something, anything, just to have a base idea for what you want Jade to be like: you can always come back and change, or erase, later. You can always take a character questionnaire, there are plenty of blank ones online for you to use. Also, since it's fresh on my mind haha, there's the popular MBTI quiz that could provide a great outline for you to base Jade off of. Lastly, something I personally find helpful with an underdeveloped character is categorizing them into groups like Hogwarts Houses, or stereotypes like zodiac/astrology signs, and go from there. Also character playlists are very fun!! and helpful for me personally!!
I hope this was helpful? Good luck!
Some of that I do have figured out and haven't typed here whoops- But a lot of that I haven't thought about so yeet thanks!
@clairecantsleephelp
So, hi! Could you take a look at my character? I know a lot of people have asked you already so it's ok if you don't have time. She is from a Mystery story that I've just begun writing and I'm afraid somethings could be a little confusing because I've mentioned a bunch of characters that I don't have pages for (I'm sorry I'm lazy) so you can just ask me anything. (Also, there could be some grammar errors beacuse English is not my first language and this was mostly written at 3 am) So anyway… Here: Nancy W. Clevenger
Thank You
I'm very intrigued by this title of "oldest dimensional being"!
Also great details with the hair style.
Good start with the mannerisms! There are other things you could think about adding: how does she talk, with an accent or with a slur or with a lot of cursing? Does she swagger, or walk with elegance, or does she hunch? Does she tap her fingers or her foot or do anything else when she's pondering, other than leaning against a wall?
Her unwillingness to show any weakness is not necessarily a flaw on its own: elaborate how this might have an unhealthy effect on Hinata. Does she refuse to trust others with her emotions, or with her problems? Does she refuse to accept that she may not be doing so good? Coupled with her depression, this sort emotional constipation may cause her to crumble inwards, and never tell a soul because of an underlying feeling of worthlessness, or a selective numbness.
Along the same lines, how else does her depression manifest itself? A character's depth should never depend entirely on their mental illness, but mental illness is a huge part of a person and affects the way they think, behave, see the world. Everyone's mental illness, and trauma, is different, and it can be a great way to delve into her as a person as well as her history, if you elaborate how her depression affects her, and why.
Her prejudice is interesting, and a good viewpoint for her to evolve from! Is there any particular reason she feels this way? Is it her trauma, or is it the way she was raised?
You say she's charismatic in Talents: how does this charisma play into her abilities? Does she captivate an entire room with her words, does she inspire devotion in those she talks to? And what else is she good at, other than being fascinating? This could just as easily be in Personality, just by itself as it is now.
What sort of things does she like to create?
"Caring but guarded" is definitely a start, and I would work on tying this in with her other qualities! Is she guarded because she's afraid of hurting others, or because she's afraid others might hurt her? Is she selective in her caring nature, reserved to those she considers loved ones, or is she altruistic and universally kind? How long, and what does it take, before someone can gain her trust?
I think I understand what sort of character Hinata is. She wants to inspire strength, and be a role model, to the point where she might neglect taking care of her own health. This is a good base and I think my main advice is to elaborate. Give more details, and don't be afraid to state the obvious! Connect the aspects of her personality into a cohesive whole, relate back to statements you made on her profile earlier, etc.
Interesting that she's Christian, in a universe so different from ours! Does this affect her job? And isn't she herself, in some aspects, what people might consider a deity? How does this correlate with her believing in a higher power?
Where exactly does Balance Keeper land on the Important Jobs scale? Is she equivalent to royalty? You mentioned she's the oldest being in her universe, does this give her any sort of privilege in regards to her occupation?
What's the sentimentality behind her locket? A gift from her dead parents perhaps?
Oof, 300 is not a lot of people. Is the population of Paradise an endangered people now because of the destruction of their home? Or were they always a small community? Also, you mention that people did not believe Hinata when she warned them of destruction: how has this affected her self-image? Is this also a part of what caused her depression, or is that all attributed to the loss of her parents?
I love her Powers section!! It actually tells me a lot about her character, like the fact that she learned Apathy: does she use it often? Her Fiery Rage is also interesting, what does it take for Hinata to lose her cool completely like that? Does it happen often? This could all go into Personality!!
Hinata seems like a stoic but strong and kind leader. You got all the basics down, so good job on that! I would advise, again, simply that you elaborate, and write a little more for each section. Explain yourself, and explain her.
I hope this is helpful! :)
This has been very helpful. And I chuckled slightly when you mentioned people seeing her as a deity. It's something I haven't added yet, but she and her twin have a literal cult of worshippers. Hinata, being Christian, tries to get rid of it several times, and she even punched the leader's face once. She absolutes hates it when someone calls her a god or a goddess and she does not shy away from correcting the mistake.
A cute nickname, is there a story behind it? Or is it just because he's small?
Haha I would suggest researching the "average" weight for your character's height and body type and actually writing that down ;) Good details in height though!
Good details with the burn marks.
This might be me nitpicking haha, but what sort of anxiety does he have, for it to need a "trigger"? Things like social anxiety or generalized anxiety are an underlying factor to how someone functions everyday, and may surface more strongly under pressure but are also just always there. You say he has panic disorder, do you mean that he does not yet know what triggers his panic attacks? You clearly separate his anxiety from his panic disorder, are you trying to meld them together here?
Great details with traits!
I'd hesitate to put Anxiety in Flaws: anxiety often affects a person negatively, yes, but I'm not sure it qualifies as a flaw on its own. Maybe describe how Robin's anxiety enhances other flaws of his, or creates them? His distrust of others, perhaps an aloofness that surfaces with strangers he'd rather not be interacting with, paranoia, overthinking, etc.
If he does it in his spare time, it qualifies as a hobby: reading is just fine! If he really doesn't enjoy doing anything in his free time, explain why that is, whether it can attributed back to his depression, or whether it's because to him having free time means wasting time and he'd rather be doing something useful rather than relaxing.
In Education, has he finished uni? Is he working towards a Bachelor's or a Master's or a PhD? What is he getting a degree in?
The backstory ties in well with who he is currently, good. He works a part-time job, but how does he afford tuition AND rent AND food AND utilities? Is he maybe living with someone? You also mention he's "nice and sarcastic" with those he gets close to: what does it take for him to trust someone? What sort of person is he drawn to, what kind of person makes him feel safe enough to open up to? These could go in Personality :)
Overall a well-rounded character, who could use some sprucing up and a few more details and explanations. Good luck!
This has been very helpful. And I chuckled slightly when you mentioned people seeing her as a deity. It's something I haven't added yet, but she and her twin have a literal cult of worshippers. Hinata, being Christian, tries to get rid of it several times, and she even punched the leader's face once. She absolutes hates it when someone calls her a god or a goddess and she does not shy away from correcting the mistake.
OhmyGOD that's really funny actually! I'd suggest adding that little story somewhere in her profile, because it introduces an assertiveness to Hinata that I was not aware of before, and gives a good hint as to what she thinks of others worshipping her when she thinks she doesn't deserve it. Thanks for the funny anecdote :)
haha describe her skin more, unless she is in fact actually sheet-of-paper white ;) Alabaster is a word I favor for very pale skin; pale, light, etc. Does she tan easily? Any particular undertones to her skin, like pink or yellow?
Overall good job on the looks!
Her mannerisms are incredibly in-depth, great work! Same goes for Motivations.
Good development of flaws too, I like that she has the potential for moral ambiguity. Is she overconfident because she's factually good at her job, or is it something else? Is it perhaps a front to mask something different, to cover up or overcompensate for a survival's guilt she might feel after her husband's death? I feel like I'm just throwing stuff out there haha, but it's honestly refreshing to see overconfidence in a mature woman and I'm simply wondering if there's more to it.
I LOVE YOUR BULGARIAN PIE COMPARISON <3
Honestly I have very little to say on your personality section overall, Nancy is very detailed and I can actually see her and how she acts in my head, you clearly put a lot of thought into her.
"Rollercoasters (Probably the only one that doesn't have a reason behind it. Honestly I don't even know why, it just felt right)" haha this is amusing but also pulled me out of the zone for a little bit, if you can't find a reason than I think you can get away with just putting "rollercoasters" period. Some people just have irrational fears like that, you can't explain it.
Just, you do a great job at explaining Nancy's traits and why she has these traits and how they all relate to each other and I just <3 kudos for the coherency.
oop, maybe just me nitpicking, but doesn't the mother have to Jewish for the status to be passed down to her children? Just a small detail.
WHY HURT SOMEONE WHEN YOU CAN SUE THEM GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT NANCY
Nice and thorough backstory
God I can relate to Nancy's relationship with her mother, I'm very happy that you're seriously incorporating relationships that aren't just romantic into this story, and looking at them in-depth like this. Ditto for her father and her sister and her son.
What a great character dude! A lot of this was praise rather than critique haha, sorry. Nancy is very well-thought-out and she can only improve. And I wouldn't worry about your English at all, it was very good and clear to understand :)
Thank you for sharing, and I hope this was helpful!
Once again, your art is so gorgeous and I love his gallery
Your descriptions are always so detailed, I really appreciate that. Great job with the appearance! I will say however (though this may be a nitpick), "Around 51 kg (112 lbs) - daemons have complete control over their body weight, changing it as they please" –> a little awkward, because although it makes complete sense that a shape-shifter is always changing weight, different body types have different weights and it would be very weird if, when taking on the form of a sumo wrestler for example, Rin stayed at 112 pounds: it would negate the strength that's usually associated with that form, and I find it hard to imagine a sumo wrestler that's, like, feather-light like that?? I don't know haha.
If he can shape-shift, wouldn't Rin be able to appear taller if he so desired? Or does it not bother him to be naturally shorter than average?
I like that he "learns" how to be human: but does he remain without a core? How does one learn emotions, feeling, empathy? Similar to how can a robot care for a human? This might be delving into philosophy haha but I am curious.
I understand being curious about his surroundings, but sensitive? I'd guess the opposite would come more naturally, a being who was raised as a tool might be insensitive to things he doesn't understand, or is still learning to relate to.
"He seems to feel no remorse whatsoever for hurting those he deems enemies." Another element that seems to contradict a little with his naivety, and sensitivity, and his growing humanity.
He can be aggressive and emotionally unstable, apparently when he deems that Narion is in danger: any other triggers? Does he ever become violent when there's no real danger? Is there any underlying paranoia or him being wound up tight, ready to spring at a moments notice and therefor sometimes springing too soon? He is a war-machine after all. He's still learning to be human, does he often misjudge social situations?
Good mannerisms
"He often comes off as very naive or child-like" This could be charming to some people: explain how it is a flaw.
The cooking is a sweet detail :)
Man your backstories, and general world-building, are so creative, big kudos on that.
There's not much else I can say, this is a very thoroughly-developed character and I think you did a very good job with him :) Keep up the great work!
Any particular meaning/reason behind the skull on her cheek? a tattoo? a burn mark? A birthmark? any sentimentality behind it, in the case of a tattoo, or is it purely for aesthetic purposes?
I'd go a little more in-depth with her Body Type, especially since you have no indication of height or weight.
Good outline in the Nature section, and especially good start with the mannerisms and flaws. Everything could be elaborated on: how does she react when a stranger approaches her? Does she try to end the conversation out of self-preservation, or does she let it drag on despite her own discomfort, for the sake of being polite? Would she go so far as to die for her friends? What consists "at all costs" for her? She values her loved ones' needs over her own, does this also entail her keeping any pain or negativity to herself? Does she trust anyone with her feelings, or is there a divide that she creates for the sake of "keeping the peace"? What sort of person is she drawn to, and how long before she begins to trust someone? What particular sort of magic is she good at? Is she ALWAYS reserved, even with loved ones/those she trusts more? Does she have a sense of humor? She's shy, but is she fearful? Etc.
Interesting job! Does her shy nature affect her capability at her occupation? Selling anything would involve communication with others, and banishing demons is a hardy task if I've ever seen one.
In Education be more specific than "somewhat high" haha, that could mean anything: she dropped out of high school, she's in the middle of college, she finished high school and then stopped, etc.
Why doesn't she like her hometown? There must have been a reason strong enough for her to leave to a whole other place.
You have a good outline for Luna, and there's plenty of room to beef her up! Just focus on elaborating more and adding smaller details bit by bit to each section, and you should be good :) Good luck!
@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time"
I'd love to, but I don't have permission to view your page! Make August public and I'll happily get back to you :)
haha describe her skin more, unless she is in fact actually sheet-of-paper white ;) Alabaster is a word I favor for very pale skin; pale, light, etc. Does she tan easily? Any particular undertones to her skin, like pink or yellow?
Overall good job on the looks!
Her mannerisms are incredibly in-depth, great work! Same goes for Motivations.
Good development of flaws too, I like that she has the potential for moral ambiguity. Is she overconfident because she's factually good at her job, or is it something else? Is it perhaps a front to mask something different, to cover up or overcompensate for a survival's guilt she might feel after her husband's death? I feel like I'm just throwing stuff out there haha, but it's honestly refreshing to see overconfidence in a mature woman and I'm simply wondering if there's more to it.
I LOVE YOUR BULGARIAN PIE COMPARISON <3
Honestly I have very little to say on your personality section overall, Nancy is very detailed and I can actually see her and how she acts in my head, you clearly put a lot of thought into her.
"Rollercoasters (Probably the only one that doesn't have a reason behind it. Honestly I don't even know why, it just felt right)" haha this is amusing but also pulled me out of the zone for a little bit, if you can't find a reason than I think you can get away with just putting "rollercoasters" period. Some people just have irrational fears like that, you can't explain it.
Just, you do a great job at explaining Nancy's traits and why she has these traits and how they all relate to each other and I just <3 kudos for the coherency.
oop, maybe just me nitpicking, but doesn't the mother have to Jewish for the status to be passed down to her children? Just a small detail.
WHY HURT SOMEONE WHEN YOU CAN SUE THEM GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT NANCY
Nice and thorough backstory
God I can relate to Nancy's relationship with her mother, I'm very happy that you're seriously incorporating relationships that aren't just romantic into this story, and looking at them in-depth like this. Ditto for her father and her sister and her son.
What a great character dude! A lot of this was praise rather than critique haha, sorry. Nancy is very well-thought-out and she can only improve. And I wouldn't worry about your English at all, it was very good and clear to understand :)
Thank you for sharing, and I hope this was helpful!
@Kaloobia So I'm gonna comment on your comments in case you want some kind of response, IDK.
So, she is not the only protagonist, I have another character (Daniel) in his early twenties who is an intern in her law firm. They alternate POVs and it's interesting because he makes mistakes and trust some characters that she wouldn't realistic make/trust, considering that she is an experienced lawyer who is already familiarized with most of the characters in the story, so he sometimes act as a plot device, while bringing an outside perspective to the story and having an interesting dynamic with her.
About her skin: Her skin is not paper white or anything like that, I just don't know any other word to describe it (but I'll definitely search it sometime in the future, thank you for the comment)
She is very good at her job, so her confidence is justified, but she takes it to a point that could be even considered reckless? Because she is so good at what she does she just thinks that everything will turn out fine, and when something goes wrong she can't handle it and starts to feel guilty. About her husband, she has a little bit of survival's guilt when it comes to her relation with her son, because he was closer to his father and she thinks she might not be enough (she may be confident in her career, but she fells like she is failing in her family life (she is not)) but it doesn't relate to her job. His death was more impactful to her career in the sense that she gets overly involved with her job as a (terrible) coping mechanism.
The Jewish thing: I had thought about it before but I did some research and Reform Judaism recognizes the children of interfaith relationships as Jewish as long as they are raised as so. They do this since the 1950s in Britain, so the timeline is fine.
Thank you again for your response. It made me really happy and I really appreciate what you are doing by giving people honest and detailed feedbacks on their characters without receiving anything in return. Kudos to you!
I should have probably mentioned thats his weight in his current form, ill fix that o3o Though he's not likely to transform into smth tanky, he's more of an agile dps :0
He could be taller if he wanted to, but he doesn't mind his current height - after all, he's tall enough by human standards
the core thing is a little complicated, since you would need to know how the full soul works, but long story short, he never gets an actual core, more like he develops a pseudo core, with the help of Narion also, the original core his magic was ripped from still exists
Ye, i'll fix those, got it o7
Honestly, all of your critiques are so in depth and helpful, i love them q3q thank u so much <3 now, before i forget, do you mind if i send another character? I know for sure you've seen this one before at one point, but i wanna know what u think of them. Take your time q3q
@Kinarymo
All that sounds good! And thank you so much, you honestly flatter me ^o^
I actually haven't seen Narion before (only seen your art on instagram, what a cutie)! I'd love to take a look, but I'll go ahead and put you at the end of the line for now, and come back to you soon :) Thanks you for your patience.
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