@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" Thank you! Here we go :)
August:
Great job on the Looks! He sounds so handsome haha
Good mannerisms too; does he fix people's hair even when he is not very close to them, or even strangers? Does he have a grasp on personal space? And why would he want to appear smaller, is he shy, or self-conscious?
Great details about his insensitivity: does he ever feel any remorse for hurting others without meaning to, and/or does he try to understand the other person's reaction/side of the story? Has he tried correcting his behavior or being more careful with his words? Good flaws section general, and I can assume a lot of them could be attributed (at least somewhat) to his Aspergers: is he aware of his condition, and I'm curious does he try to learn from his experience and/or does he consider himself a well-adjusted adult? ((I hope none of these questions come off insensitive on my own part, I've researched aspergers/autism but am still lacking in knowledge, and am curious about the self-awareness factor.))
Another tiny detail that's just my curiosity haha: he's funny unintentionally, but does he ever try to be funny to try and recreate the positive reaction he gets when he is, and if so does it fall flat or actually work in his favor?
The detail about him loving rom-coms makes me so happy and I can't explain why
Just, his whole Nature section you went nice and in-depth with.
"Loosely Buddhist" interesting, do you mean that he dabbles in certain aspects of the practice but not in others, or that he was perhaps raised Buddhist but sort of grew out of it, with some ideals still remaining?
The politics section makes a lot of sense for his character, since political details get very heated with emotions haha. This did bring up a question that I believe can be explored in his Personality, how does he respond to conflict, especially to people looking for a fight with him? He has a quick wit, does he school them? Or does he withdraw in on himself and try to avoid worsening the situation?
Favorite Weapon suggests he's either a pacifist, or doesn't have great mastery over weapons. How's he with physical combat?
big big oof at his parents,,,,, an unfortunate reality for a lot of kids who are diagnosed with developmental disorders. It raises a question of how does he respond to authority, and can he easily recognize someone showing affection?
August is such a good character, I immediately took a liking to him haha, and you did great with detailing him: all my questions are just extra somethings, he's very good already as is. Hope this was at least a bit helpful for you :)
Her scent is very nice and detailed, but I do think a lot of it is stating the obvious, like being sweaty and dirty after exercising, and smelling fresh after taking a shower.
Great details with her Voice! And most of Looks is good, I like the story with her glasses.
Wow, very nice and detailed outfits, nothing to say here.
Good elaboration of her Conditions, but I see that you repeat them in Flaws: I'd hesitate to put her actually conditions/disorders as FLAWS, and instead addressing traits of hers that may be attributed to her anxiety, or her dyslexia, like how you say she's a bit of a sheeple(sherson?). No one has any right to dislike Alice for having anxiety or dyslexia unless they're ableist: a flaw is something that might turn people off and make them unsympathetic to your character. Keeping that in mind, her list of flaws is very short, especially in comparison to the other sections you've filled out, and a character lacking in flaws is,,,, not great.
Also in Conditions, "During grade school, it was so hard for her that her teachers eventually just let her pass on to the next grades while still trying to teach her the basic of reading and writing." It seems a bit far-fetched that, unless the schooling system she was in was just that terrible, that Alice could keep advancing in the curriculum without actually knowing how to write or read even at the barest minimum. It makes much more sense for to be held back, at least a few times, or to have dropped out altogether, and that itself would make for a much more interesting backstory than "she got super lucky and succeeded in her education despite being born with difficulties and never truly overcoming them, she's just that amazing". The way I'm reading it she's basically cheated the system haha.
Good mannerisms.
"After finding out one of her moms was a nobody and the other was dead, Alice mainly focused on becoming a very skilled Witch." What do you mean by "a nobody", and why did this suddenly make Alice lose interest? Other than that, I like her motivation to become an expert in her field: it introduces an ambition that I hadn't picked up on yet.
I will point out the slight contradiction of her last noted flaw with her shyness and social anxiety and downright fear of people: wouldn't her fear of being judged or starting conflict, overtake her tendency for bluntness? The last point also doesn't really come off as a bad thing to me, necessarily, unless you put a different spin on it, saying perhaps that she's insensitive to delicate situations, which again doesn't seem to line up with her character. In general I would develop the section a bit more, since you're left with only the clumsiness and the insensitivity (the Mana depletion isn't a flaw either, it's a natural reaction to overworking yourself: what would constitute a flaw would be Alice having a tendency to overwork herself, not listening to her body and taking bad care of her health.)
"Alice usually doesn't show her true feelings, often disguising them as something else" Interesting, what is this "something else"? And how did her social anxiety play into her homelessness, where you have no stability or support or safety and you become someone people pretend is invisible? Where, and with who, does her " smart, witty and analytical" side come out? How long before she begins trusting a person, especially a human: what does it take?
A small nitpick maybe on my part: you say several times that she's gifted and fluent in two foreign languages, but if she can't read nor write, and her social anxiety makes seeking out strangers harder for her, how did she learn, and who does she practice on??? The only way to orally learn a language is to have someone else transmit it to her, and if that's the case, who taught her?
I hate to call her a Mary Sue. But as a character, I don't see what she needs to work on, where she can improve, and for someone who's only 24 years old that's incredibly out of the ordinary. In an ensemble cast or standing next to other characters, Alice might be a little bland, simple because she is so close to perfect already. She seems to succeed at everything she does, seems to surpass everything that is put in her way without much difficulty (it seems, to me): where can she improve?? (Other small things that are just cherries in top: she's a descendant of royalty, she's beautiful (in a very Aryan way) but "like, in an effortless, I don't really care that much" way, she smells great, she's a natural at learning spells "but no one knows why, she just is", she' the one who wins these "war games" despite severely lacking in physical combat skills, etc.) This again comes back to her lack of real flaws, and I think if you were to hash that section out more thoroughly, you might have a more compelling character/ development arc.
I. Okay, I love the vines, and the quotes, I LIVE for character memes <3
I will say though, in what way exactly is she proving witch stereotypes wrong??
OH, the first point you make in Notes??? Is literally perfect for the Nature section, and goes so much more in-depth wit her social anxiety and even mentions some possible flaws you could develop, like her being distrusting.
I hope I didn't come off too harsh: Alice is very well-thought-out and marvelously detailed, but she doesn't feel very real to me, simply because she has very little room to improve. Nevertheless I hope this was helpful for you, and good luck!
Her backstory, She's supposed to be an Insecure girl pushed into the background and later took it out by bullying people, even her loving younger brother but looking over she just looks like a passive ungrateful brat
You look like you're quite busy right now with requests, so I'm just gonna leave mine here for later reference (you can do it when you have more spare time xXX)
August is such a good character, I immediately took a liking to him haha, and you did great with detailing him: all my questions are just extra somethings, he's very good already as is. Hope this was at least a bit helpful for you :)
Thank you so much for the critique! Definitely going to be adding some more detail based on your questions. I'm glad you like August!
@Kinarymo
Narion: (I'm going to use he/him pronouns for consistency if that's alright)
Love his design as a Morphidae, esp the detail of golden tears for the missing eyes. Great description of his appearance in general (as always).
Jesus christ this poor child. :( Great mannerisms, they go well with his personality. Does Narion ever get angry? more specifically, indignant? Is he aware/mature enough to realize when he is being used, or taken advantage of, or treated unfairly?
In Flaws, how does he react to strangers approaching him? Does his coldness surface and make him try to end the conversation quickly, or does he give people the chance to prove themselves?
"He's not interested about politics mostly because he does not care or he doesn't want to get involved." Not sure if I've said this to you, but having no opinion on politics once you're aware of it's existence isn't,,,, really possible. If you mean that because he's very young, he doesn't know much about politics and so isn't aware of the effect it might have on his life, write that; if he is aware of politics and yet can still afford to "stay out of it", it probably means he's not very affected (not negatively) by whatever laws may be in place, which would place him o the right, or conservative, because why want to change a system that benefits you?
Ahh the backstory is familiar, I can piece it all together with the profiles of Narion's parents, which I've already critiqued for you :) Good job on cohesiveness.
"Narion considered himself to be a burden for his adoptive family, even though they kept telling him otherwise." Something that could be elaborated on in Nature, speaking of his self-esteem and the feeling of being a burden on people who are just,,, doing their job, or the bare minimum, for him.
Overall another very detailed and good character! It's hard to say much because Narion is still a child and there's SO MUCH that could change as he grows older and the story progresses, but he's a good point right now. Keep it up, and I hope I was helpful!
August is such a good character, I immediately took a liking to him haha, and you did great with detailing him: all my questions are just extra somethings, he's very good already as is. Hope this was at least a bit helpful for you :)
Thank you so much for the critique! Definitely going to be adding some more detail based on your questions. I'm glad you like August!
Interesting nickname, how did she come by it? It's not similar enough to Killian to just be a simple shortening.
I am white and by no means an authority, but her skin tone is "very pale" despite her being Maori; is she mixed, or does she have white people in her ancestry?
People have different definitions for "fit", try to add more detail here! Is she toned, thick, muscled, lean, etc? Does she have wide hips, or narrow shoulders, or voluptuous curves, or flat angles? Does she have abs???
You say in Conditions she has vitiligo: this could be elaborated in Skin Tone as well, just for the sake of consistency. And you can go MUCH more in-depth with her Personality, and you can add to it by actually filling out the other sections in the Nature form (Mannerisms (!!), Motivations, Flaws…). She has No Flaws, not a great sign. You mention she's easily bored, and this could be spun to be a flaw (too high standards? ungrateful? cynical?). What makes your character unsympathetic, and what's the side she would show first and foremost to someone she dislikes? And how does she appear to someone who doesn't like her? Emphasize what makes her flirtatious: is it because she is always open to dating? Does she use it as a way to gain the upper hand in social situations? Does she flirt to distract from her other traits, does she flirt because she hopes to make someone uncomfortable and thinks it's funny? Is it to relieve her boredom, the thrill of trying to win someone's exclusive attention and affection? Sarcastic is good, but just these three traits give me the bare minimum for Killian's personality and should be elaborated.
The backstory is fine, but if Runt killed her family did she infiltrate under a fake name, with a new identity? Was her family the random victim of their violence, in which case they wouldn't remember her? There are some details missing here. This also sheds light on some new elements of Killian's personality: vengeful, brave (reckless? risk-taking?), loyal (stuck in the past?), and these could also fill out either her flaws or general personality nicely.
You've filled out what seems to be the bare minimum for Killian's profile: it's a start. She has a good foundation, and if you keep adding small details bit-by-bit you could build a unique and even relatable character. Good luck!
Thank u @Kaloobia, you were amazingly helpful as always o3o <3 i was still in the middle of editing his profile until 2 mins ago, so certain stuff might have been changed from what u originally saw, but alas, your feedback was very helpful o3o
And yes, i'm probably abusing this poor child more than i should
Intriguing detail with the symbols, that's a creative addition!
Go more in detail with her body type: "petite" could simply mean "small and compact", but is she thin? underweight even? does she have chub that's simply evenly distributed, making for a solid form? Not to mention you didn't put down a Weight for her.
I do like how you structured her Nature section, but putting her minuses in Flaws would be more simple, and could hash it out more fully: not to mention all of these qualities could be elaborated, and/or explained more in-depth. What exactly is she insecure about? Is she optimistic in a natural way or in a way that's trained? Especially with you mentioning her past with bullying. Along those lines, your description and her backstory suggest a need to fit in, to be accepted, even at the cost of personal values, and at the cost of loved ones: this could be noted and elaborated as well in the flaws section. In general Sophie is well-off in the Flaws department, which makes for an interesting and multi-layered person that could do very well if written correctly. Other questions: she's kind and friendly, but with who? When does her kindness and friendliness run out? Where was this kindness and friendliness when she got swept up by peer pressure and her own selfishness about being accepted, and resorted to bullying? How far does her stubbornness go? Will she argue to the death (figuratively)? Will she never admit that she was wrong? Is there an element of pride to her stubbornness? If so, you could add sympathy to her character by elaborating how, for someone who fights for her side of the story with a passion, it says something about her conviction and her reform that she was able to bounce back from her mistakes, and admit that she was wrong, and at fault for them. Up to you, and I could be pulling at blank straws here haha.
What do you mean when you say she's "unlucky" in Quirks? If you are trying to blame her past bad behavior on her Luck, that's a dangerous trap to fall into and I would readily say that a character who accepts that she was wrong by her own fault is much more interesting than someone who's a "victim of her destiny/environment". If you mean something else, I don't really understand what it is haha, and what qualifies it as a "quirk". And her "lying about shallow things" could easily be added to Flaws: along those lines, how far is "too far" for Sophie when it comes to lying? White lies are "harmless", sure, but when they add up it creates a whirlpool of untruth that can negatively affect the liar as well as those around them. Also, is she very good at lying to herself?
Interesting that she dislikes "fake people", yet she herself "lies about shallow things" –> another flaw you could elaborate on, hypocrisy, double standards that she herself may be unaware of having. Also with her disliking "cruelty" (which you put twice btw, not sure if that was on purpose), another contradiction with her past actions.
Why does she dislike passive people? Is it because they remind her of herself, how she was swept up into bad behavior due to a need to belong? Does she blindly take out her resentment for her former self on those that remind her of it? Another flaw to explore, not to mention something that could help in explaining the inner working of her mind that led her to bullying in he first place, even before she changed. In general she seems to dislike a lot of qualities that she herself probably exhibited in her bullying days: maybe elaborate on her deep-rooted dislike of herself? Hating herself presently, due to her past actions, makes a lot of sense, and would even garner her sympathy points in the eyes of the reader. Along those lines, where are her feelings of remorse, of guilt, that should be stated I think, other than "she's trying to be a better person"? A sociopath "tries to be a better person", but not because of feelings of guilt, rather for the sake of better manipulating people and gaining trust. Might be stating the obvious, but I still think it's worth mentioning.
Why wasn't she appreciative of her brother, during a time that I assume was before her bullying phase? Is her mean streak something that comes more naturally than any of us would care to admit?
Why was she jealous of her brother?
(You'll have to excuse me for saying, you use a lot of run-ons and some verbs aren't in the right place so I had a bit of trouble understanding this middle paragraph of her backstory). May I suggest going more in-depth about the psychology and indecision of Sophie's mind when it came to choosing between her "friends" and her brother? Not necessary, just a nitpick probably haha.
You say in Overview that her main theme is Bravery. If she were naturally brave, she would have stood up to her "friends" despite her fear of being excluded, so that begs the question, is her journey about learning to be brave?
I will close off with this: it's common to find characters that are beloved by the audience because, although they have a shady past, they are presently just so lovable and so reformed, so irresistible, that they are easily forgiven for any past mistakes and cruelty. I appreciate that you aren't trying to do that with Sophie: she has the potential for a lot of flaws that showcase her growth, her being smack-dab in the middle of growth, while still facing the consequences for her actions, and to me that's key. If she were to get off scott-free for her mistakes, then she would come off as a "passive ungrateful brat", as you introduce her ;) But I honestly didn't get too much of that vibe from her, especially knowing what happened to her and that she's clearly trying to change. Though, I would suggest putting in that bit about her trying to make amends with her brother to this day, which I don't believe you actually mention in her profile? Anyway. Her entire story, from the very beginning, is a Redemption arc, and I'm very intrigued by that. If you manage to write it correctly, Sophie could experience some very compelling character growth that drags the reader over to her side. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful!
Thank u @Kaloobia, you were amazingly helpful as always o3o <3 i was still in the middle of editing his profile until 2 mins ago, so certain stuff might have been changed from what u originally saw, but alas, your feedback was very helpful o3o
And yes, i'm probably abusing this poor child more than i should
@Morosis
Don't be fooled by the long blocks of texts, I really do over-explain myself haha :) And I'm not swarmed at all yet, don't even worry about it!
Luke:
oh?? he's dead??? oh no
oh nevermind he's just,,,,, not all there presently, poor guy
I like that you're not afraid to make him scary-looking, and not in the "beastly but handsome, uwu" way.
I,,, am not an authority and have made inconsistencies with weight myself, but I think 225lbs is a tad overweight for his body type, as you describe him. Low priority, but i would double-check
Good Looks section all in all, nice details.
This is a very sad, sad character ;_; From what I understand, he's a walking nuclear missile: is he aware of this? Is knowing that he would have to kill himself to explode properly, the only thing holding him back? Does he still have a want for survival left, and is this indicative of perhaps him still having a shred of humanity, in the pure sense of having a self-preservative sentiment?
Along these lines, is the entire reason he's a patient at the Facility because there's still a chance of "saving" him?? Or is it a lost hope? Are they simply detaining him until they can find a way, to put it mildly, euthanize him without activating his nuclear power? Is it possible to kill him without him going off like the bomb he is?
Great Nature section, especially for a character that's a borderline mindless zombie: you still manage to create a uniqueness and a sense of sympathy, if not pity, for Luke.
Ooh, what sort of trophies did he get? For what?
oooooh wow, I've never seen an enemy list OR a friend list that long. Simple curiosity on my end, how does he maintain friends in his current state??? Or are these friends from "before"?
His backstory is heartbreaking, thanks.
Overall a (surprisingly!) well-developed character, and clearly very well-thought-out. Good job, and I hope I was at least mildly helpful!
I will change his weight as I'm not very good at character measurements so thank you for pointing that out to me
He knew going out to the desert was very dangerous but since he was in charge of communications, he believed his message of "postponing" the explosion would have gotten through, however, it did not, ultimately leading to his demise (plus he was just really selfless and wanted to save his comrades, but sadly, failed.) So, I will be sure to add that detail to my story or at least make it clearer xXX. He is somewhat aware of his abilities but his mind has no clear thoughts and is just hellbent on wanting to relieve this constant itch of his (yeah, he will be happy to explode as he has no self-preservation sense nor a will to survive, however, his current "friends" are trying to rebuild a slight sense of humanity within him and it shows slightly just before he dies.)
He is a very sad character and his death is even sadder as it "technically" wasn't his choice (yeah i know, he kinda dies twice… really confusing lmao)
The Facility only want Luke because of his mutated/fragmented DNA he now possesses. They might have some urge to restore a small form of intelligence or emotion but yet seemed satisfied with his alienated state. The Facility want to do experiments on him and make him a weapon ( a human bomb). They are the ones who revive him. The Facility very rarely get subjects involved with radioactive/nuclear disasters and are keen to see how far they can push scientific limits. (very dark and sad)
He has trophies from his squash and badminton tournaments (don't know why I answered that lmao)
His friend/enemy list is so long because it's the same people repeated. this is to indicate he can't tell the difference between friend or foe.
I hope you don't mind this long list as a reply, it just seemed like you were very desperate for your questions to be answered and maybe for details to be explained (or added to my character). Overall, thank you so much for an analysis of Luke; it means a lot to me.
If it wouldn't bother you, I might give you another character to analyse later in the month as I'm getting quite addicted to this haha.
@Morosis
Don't feel weird at all, I'm very happy that you answered some of my questions! There's no obligation of course haha, but I do appreciate the clarifications :)
Thanks for the reply, and drop by again anytime! ^^
Hello, it's me again…
Loved your analysis so much last time that I thought I'd come back for more. Of course, critique characters that haven't been done already xXX
@nicolovingx
I have quite a few Hogwarts OCs myself, don't worry about it ;) Any original character is game.
Elvira:
A tiny detail, but what sort of bangs? Side-swept? The kind that curtain your face? Blunt bangs?
I think plump lips would do well in Identifying Marks. Other than that, very good Looks section, I like the details in Body Type.
A very interesting and complex combination of traits!! Her Motivations are a little unclear, simply because you don't use full sentences and I'm not sure if the nouns you use are things that motivate her or things that affect her or what. A good list but needs clarification. Very good Mannerisms and Flaws, though I think you could go more in-depth on the former: any particular manner of speaking? A certain gait? Some other nervous habits perhaps, other than twisting her wedding ring? Just some ideas.
She can be impatient: when, and under what circumstances? Is it people, or situations, that make her patience wear thin? Is she normally a patient person, or, if you want a more pejorative implication, opportunistic enough to keep herself in check most of the time?
What do you mean by "discreet" in Talents? She knows how to hide, how to sneak around? Is she a very good liar? What exactly are her morals, her standards for herself and others (and is she a hypocrite in the sense where she holds others to a different standard than herself? you mention she's classicist)? How far is too far for her, where's the metaphorical "line" that should not be crossed when it comes to lying, and to getting what she wants?
Is her Prejudice strong enough that she would throw around a slur? Again in relation to her morals, but also in relation to how she expresses and presents herself: is she very obvious about her biases, about her values? If she is a good salesperson she knows how to put on a charismatic face, is this attitude reserved solely for customers or does she fake it with people "close" to her, as well?
She's bad at potions but potioneering is a hobby: what makes her want to persevere in something she is bad at and (from what I understand) isn't exactly necessary for her job?
"‘Reading stories seems waste of time, I’d rather go out in the world and discover everything myself.’" This could go in Prejudices as well!
Okay, so potioneering IS part of her job: how can she afford to be bad at it?
Everything else in Social seems good!
ooooooh her love interest is also her enemy how dramatic :D
I really like her Gallery pictures, may I ask who's her faceclaim? (if you don't know that's fine too haha)
Wow interesting backstory. You never mention a House for her, or are those different at Ilvermorny?
Overall an interesting character, especially as a lead! She could use some refinement in certain areas and some small details to add coherence, but you did good with her! I hope this was helpful :)
Intriguing detail with the symbols, that's a creative addition!
Go more in detail with her body type: "petite" could simply mean "small and compact", but is she thin? underweight even? does she have chub that's simply evenly distributed, making for a solid form? Not to mention you didn't put down a Weight for her.
I do like how you structured her Nature section, but putting her minuses in Flaws would be more simple, and could hash it out more fully: not to mention all of these qualities could be elaborated, and/or explained more in-depth. What exactly is she insecure about? Is she optimistic in a natural way or in a way that's trained? Especially with you mentioning her past with bullying. Along those lines, your description and her backstory suggest a need to fit in, to be accepted, even at the cost of personal values, and at the cost of loved ones: this could be noted and elaborated as well in the flaws section. In general Sophie is well-off in the Flaws department, which makes for an interesting and multi-layered person that could do very well if written correctly. Other questions: she's kind and friendly, but with who? When does her kindness and friendliness run out? Where was this kindness and friendliness when she got swept up by peer pressure and her own selfishness about being accepted, and resorted to bullying? How far does her stubbornness go? Will she argue to the death (figuratively)? Will she never admit that she was wrong? Is there an element of pride to her stubbornness? If so, you could add sympathy to her character by elaborating how, for someone who fights for her side of the story with a passion, it says something about her conviction and her reform that she was able to bounce back from her mistakes, and admit that she was wrong, and at fault for them. Up to you, and I could be pulling at blank straws here haha.
What do you mean when you say she's "unlucky" in Quirks? If you are trying to blame her past bad behavior on her Luck, that's a dangerous trap to fall into and I would readily say that a character who accepts that she was wrong by her own fault is much more interesting than someone who's a "victim of her destiny/environment". If you mean something else, I don't really understand what it is haha, and what qualifies it as a "quirk". And her "lying about shallow things" could easily be added to Flaws: along those lines, how far is "too far" for Sophie when it comes to lying? White lies are "harmless", sure, but when they add up it creates a whirlpool of untruth that can negatively affect the liar as well as those around them. Also, is she very good at lying to herself?
Interesting that she dislikes "fake people", yet she herself "lies about shallow things" –> another flaw you could elaborate on, hypocrisy, double standards that she herself may be unaware of having. Also with her disliking "cruelty" (which you put twice btw, not sure if that was on purpose), another contradiction with her past actions.
Why does she dislike passive people? Is it because they remind her of herself, how she was swept up into bad behavior due to a need to belong? Does she blindly take out her resentment for her former self on those that remind her of it? Another flaw to explore, not to mention something that could help in explaining the inner working of her mind that led her to bullying in he first place, even before she changed. In general she seems to dislike a lot of qualities that she herself probably exhibited in her bullying days: maybe elaborate on her deep-rooted dislike of herself? Hating herself presently, due to her past actions, makes a lot of sense, and would even garner her sympathy points in the eyes of the reader. Along those lines, where are her feelings of remorse, of guilt, that should be stated I think, other than "she's trying to be a better person"? A sociopath "tries to be a better person", but not because of feelings of guilt, rather for the sake of better manipulating people and gaining trust. Might be stating the obvious, but I still think it's worth mentioning.
Why wasn't she appreciative of her brother, during a time that I assume was before her bullying phase? Is her mean streak something that comes more naturally than any of us would care to admit?
Why was she jealous of her brother?
(You'll have to excuse me for saying, you use a lot of run-ons and some verbs aren't in the right place so I had a bit of trouble understanding this middle paragraph of her backstory). May I suggest going more in-depth about the psychology and indecision of Sophie's mind when it came to choosing between her "friends" and her brother? Not necessary, just a nitpick probably haha.
You say in Overview that her main theme is Bravery. If she were naturally brave, she would have stood up to her "friends" despite her fear of being excluded, so that begs the question, is her journey about learning to be brave?
I will close off with this: it's common to find characters that are beloved by the audience because, although they have a shady past, they are presently just so lovable and so reformed, so irresistible, that they are easily forgiven for any past mistakes and cruelty. I appreciate that you aren't trying to do that with Sophie: she has the potential for a lot of flaws that showcase her growth, her being smack-dab in the middle of growth, while still facing the consequences for her actions, and to me that's key. If she were to get off scott-free for her mistakes, then she would come off as a "passive ungrateful brat", as you introduce her ;) But I honestly didn't get too much of that vibe from her, especially knowing what happened to her and that she's clearly trying to change. Though, I would suggest putting in that bit about her trying to make amends with her brother to this day, which I don't believe you actually mention in her profile? Anyway. Her entire story, from the very beginning, is a Redemption arc, and I'm very intrigued by that. If you manage to write it correctly, Sophie could experience some very compelling character growth that drags the reader over to her side. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful!
What exactly is she insecure about? She's insecure about her presence and self worth
Is she optimistic in a natural way or in a way that's trained? Her optimistic is somewhat natural but wasn't lowered after her father died
she's kind and friendly, but with who? With her friends and just people she has no problems with
When does her kindness and friendliness run out? When betrayed or when said person hurts innocent people
Where was this kindness and friendliness when she got swept up by peer pressure and her own selfishness about being accepted, and resorted to bullying? She was kind in the past but her desire to be popular and loved went to her
Will she never admit that she was wrong?
Is there an element of pride to her stubbornness? Yes with a tinge of insecurity
What do you mean when you say she's "unlucky" in Quirks? tbh I just wanted to add a quirk to her
how far is "too far" for Sophie when it comes to lying?
In the past she once lied about her mom being a famous journalism which got her into the mess in first place
Also, is she very good at lying to herself?
Not really, She tries but her conscience ends coming back to her
Why does she dislike passive people?
Is it because they remind her of herself, how she was swept up into bad behavior due to a need to belong?
It's because they remind her of her past
Does she blindly take out her resentment for her former self on those that remind her of it? Sometimes
Why wasn't she appreciative of her brother, during a time that I assume was before her bullying phase? She found his overly sweet behavior towards her patronizing and condescending
Why was she jealous of her brother? Because he was always carefree, friendly and used to have plenty of friends with trying, while trying so hard to be noticed without success
You say in Overview that her main theme is Bravery. If she were naturally brave, she would have stood up to her "friends" despite her fear of being excluded, so that begs the question, is her journey about learning to be brave?
She would stand up for her friends despite being scared of being excluded, also her journal is being brave
Also I guess this is a bit abrupt but can you review her brother, we had a discussion about him once
I kinda just wanted to see what you think. I may or may not make the suggested changes, but y'know. Feedback is always welcome. Anywho, here are my babies :) Grace-Grace Starling
Isobel-Isobel Katherine Stevens
@nicolovingx
I have quite a few Hogwarts OCs myself, don't worry about it ;) Any original character is game.
Elvira:
A tiny detail, but what sort of bangs? Side-swept? The kind that curtain your face? Blunt bangs?
I think plump lips would do well in Identifying Marks. Other than that, very good Looks section, I like the details in Body Type.
A very interesting and complex combination of traits!! Her Motivations are a little unclear, simply because you don't use full sentences and I'm not sure if the nouns you use are things that motivate her or things that affect her or what. A good list but needs clarification. Very good Mannerisms and Flaws, though I think you could go more in-depth on the former: any particular manner of speaking? A certain gait? Some other nervous habits perhaps, other than twisting her wedding ring? Just some ideas.
She can be impatient: when, and under what circumstances? Is it people, or situations, that make her patience wear thin? Is she normally a patient person, or, if you want a more pejorative implication, opportunistic enough to keep herself in check most of the time?
What do you mean by "discreet" in Talents? She knows how to hide, how to sneak around? Is she a very good liar? What exactly are her morals, her standards for herself and others (and is she a hypocrite in the sense where she holds others to a different standard than herself? you mention she's classicist)? How far is too far for her, where's the metaphorical "line" that should not be crossed when it comes to lying, and to getting what she wants?
Is her Prejudice strong enough that she would throw around a slur? Again in relation to her morals, but also in relation to how she expresses and presents herself: is she very obvious about her biases, about her values? If she is a good salesperson she knows how to put on a charismatic face, is this attitude reserved solely for customers or does she fake it with people "close" to her, as well?
She's bad at potions but potioneering is a hobby: what makes her want to persevere in something she is bad at and (from what I understand) isn't exactly necessary for her job?
"‘Reading stories seems waste of time, I’d rather go out in the world and discover everything myself.’" This could go in Prejudices as well!
Okay, so potioneering IS part of her job: how can she afford to be bad at it?
Everything else in Social seems good!
ooooooh her love interest is also her enemy how dramatic :D
I really like her Gallery pictures, may I ask who's her faceclaim? (if you don't know that's fine too haha)
Wow interesting backstory. You never mention a House for her, or are those different at Ilvermorny?
Overall an interesting character, especially as a lead! She could use some refinement in certain areas and some small details to add coherence, but you did good with her! I hope this was helpful :)
Wahjoo! This was very helpfull thank you! I'm gonna add some more details to her and change some things that seem unclear. Thank you!!
My faceclaim is from Haunting of Hill house, the act.ress name is Carla Gugino
Intriguing detail with the symbols, that's a creative addition!
Go more in detail with her body type: "petite" could simply mean "small and compact", but is she thin? underweight even? does she have chub that's simply evenly distributed, making for a solid form? Not to mention you didn't put down a Weight for her.
I do like how you structured her Nature section, but putting her minuses in Flaws would be more simple, and could hash it out more fully: not to mention all of these qualities could be elaborated, and/or explained more in-depth. What exactly is she insecure about? Is she optimistic in a natural way or in a way that's trained? Especially with you mentioning her past with bullying. Along those lines, your description and her backstory suggest a need to fit in, to be accepted, even at the cost of personal values, and at the cost of loved ones: this could be noted and elaborated as well in the flaws section. In general Sophie is well-off in the Flaws department, which makes for an interesting and multi-layered person that could do very well if written correctly. Other questions: she's kind and friendly, but with who? When does her kindness and friendliness run out? Where was this kindness and friendliness when she got swept up by peer pressure and her own selfishness about being accepted, and resorted to bullying? How far does her stubbornness go? Will she argue to the death (figuratively)? Will she never admit that she was wrong? Is there an element of pride to her stubbornness? If so, you could add sympathy to her character by elaborating how, for someone who fights for her side of the story with a passion, it says something about her conviction and her reform that she was able to bounce back from her mistakes, and admit that she was wrong, and at fault for them. Up to you, and I could be pulling at blank straws here haha.
What do you mean when you say she's "unlucky" in Quirks? If you are trying to blame her past bad behavior on her Luck, that's a dangerous trap to fall into and I would readily say that a character who accepts that she was wrong by her own fault is much more interesting than someone who's a "victim of her destiny/environment". If you mean something else, I don't really understand what it is haha, and what qualifies it as a "quirk". And her "lying about shallow things" could easily be added to Flaws: along those lines, how far is "too far" for Sophie when it comes to lying? White lies are "harmless", sure, but when they add up it creates a whirlpool of untruth that can negatively affect the liar as well as those around them. Also, is she very good at lying to herself?
Interesting that she dislikes "fake people", yet she herself "lies about shallow things" –> another flaw you could elaborate on, hypocrisy, double standards that she herself may be unaware of having. Also with her disliking "cruelty" (which you put twice btw, not sure if that was on purpose), another contradiction with her past actions.
Why does she dislike passive people? Is it because they remind her of herself, how she was swept up into bad behavior due to a need to belong? Does she blindly take out her resentment for her former self on those that remind her of it? Another flaw to explore, not to mention something that could help in explaining the inner working of her mind that led her to bullying in he first place, even before she changed. In general she seems to dislike a lot of qualities that she herself probably exhibited in her bullying days: maybe elaborate on her deep-rooted dislike of herself? Hating herself presently, due to her past actions, makes a lot of sense, and would even garner her sympathy points in the eyes of the reader. Along those lines, where are her feelings of remorse, of guilt, that should be stated I think, other than "she's trying to be a better person"? A sociopath "tries to be a better person", but not because of feelings of guilt, rather for the sake of better manipulating people and gaining trust. Might be stating the obvious, but I still think it's worth mentioning.
Why wasn't she appreciative of her brother, during a time that I assume was before her bullying phase? Is her mean streak something that comes more naturally than any of us would care to admit?
Why was she jealous of her brother?
(You'll have to excuse me for saying, you use a lot of run-ons and some verbs aren't in the right place so I had a bit of trouble understanding this middle paragraph of her backstory). May I suggest going more in-depth about the psychology and indecision of Sophie's mind when it came to choosing between her "friends" and her brother? Not necessary, just a nitpick probably haha.
You say in Overview that her main theme is Bravery. If she were naturally brave, she would have stood up to her "friends" despite her fear of being excluded, so that begs the question, is her journey about learning to be brave?
I will close off with this: it's common to find characters that are beloved by the audience because, although they have a shady past, they are presently just so lovable and so reformed, so irresistible, that they are easily forgiven for any past mistakes and cruelty. I appreciate that you aren't trying to do that with Sophie: she has the potential for a lot of flaws that showcase her growth, her being smack-dab in the middle of growth, while still facing the consequences for her actions, and to me that's key. If she were to get off scott-free for her mistakes, then she would come off as a "passive ungrateful brat", as you introduce her ;) But I honestly didn't get too much of that vibe from her, especially knowing what happened to her and that she's clearly trying to change. Though, I would suggest putting in that bit about her trying to make amends with her brother to this day, which I don't believe you actually mention in her profile? Anyway. Her entire story, from the very beginning, is a Redemption arc, and I'm very intrigued by that. If you manage to write it correctly, Sophie could experience some very compelling character growth that drags the reader over to her side. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful!
Thank you, this was super helpful
What exactly is she insecure about? She's insecure about her presence and self worth
Is she optimistic in a natural way or in a way that's trained? Her optimistic is somewhat natural but wasn't lowered after her father died
she's kind and friendly, but with who? With her friends and just people she has no problems with
When does her kindness and friendliness run out? When betrayed or when said person hurts innocent people
Where was this kindness and friendliness when she got swept up by peer pressure and her own selfishness about being accepted, and resorted to bullying? She was kind in the past but her desire to be popular and loved went to her
Will she never admit that she was wrong?
Is there an element of pride to her stubbornness? Yes with a tinge of insecurity
What do you mean when you say she's "unlucky" in Quirks? tbh I just wanted to add a quirk to her
how far is "too far" for Sophie when it comes to lying?
In the past she once lied about her mom being a famous journalism which got her into the mess in first place
Also, is she very good at lying to herself?
Not really, She tries but her conscience ends coming back to her
Why does she dislike passive people?
Is it because they remind her of herself, how she was swept up into bad behavior due to a need to belong?
It's because they remind her of her past
Does she blindly take out her resentment for her former self on those that remind her of it? Sometimes
Why wasn't she appreciative of her brother, during a time that I assume was before her bullying phase? She found his overly sweet behavior towards her patronizing and condescending
Why was she jealous of her brother? Because he was always carefree, friendly and used to have plenty of friends with trying, while trying so hard to be noticed without success
You say in Overview that her main theme is Bravery. If she were naturally brave, she would have stood up to her "friends" despite her fear of being excluded, so that begs the question, is her journey about learning to be brave?
She would stand up for her friends despite being scared of being excluded, also her journal is being brave
Also I guess this is a bit abrupt but can you review her brother, we had a discussion about him once
Oh hey I remember this one from your instagram!! :D
Also "Head Priest", I'm starting to see connections here, she created your Sword without a core right?
Absolutely nothing to say about her Looks, everything looks good.
What helped her pull out of this brief period of insanity? What helped her find that grip back on reality? How did she learn patience, and calmness? Also how did serving someone, as opposed to being the master of herself, affect her and how she regards authority, control, etc? If that makes sense.
She is very manipulative; does her "showing genuine interest in the well being of her subjects" actually come from the heart, or is it a feigned genuineness?
"she doesn't like ordering people around, instead treating them like actual human beings, with a life of their own." This jumped out at me a little, again, does she not like to order people, or does she feign this respect towards people because it's a good strategy for gaining trust? Is there any actual sincerity there, especially since she seems to do everything for her own benefit?
"Also, goats are evil for some reason" this made me laugh, but best to find an actual reason :)
She's a pathological liar, so is she very good at lying to herself as well?? Does she rationalize her actions at all?
Good and precise History. But I will point out that although we do have the stereotype of age = wisdom, I'm not sure Mahiru fills out the quota for "wise". Strategic? yes. Observant and opportunistic and patient? Yes. But she is a fool for holding onto revenge for so long, especially in response to something that she completely deserved and had coming her way, and being unable to see past that is not very wise at all.
Good details, and well-thought out. Classic villain, which isn't a bad thing don't worry ;) You could refine her a little bit but I'd say you're good to go! Good luck.
@Morosis
That's very sweet of you :) Glad to see you again so soon!
Avia:
I love her gallery, so many different styles! Very nice :)
A "beautiful body" is very subjective, what exactly do you mean by that? And why should a scar ruin that beauty? (This is more personality but: Is she insecure about it, or does she see it as a battle scar that she is proud of?) Also, muscles automatically add some weight, so do you mean that she is slim, lean, small-limbed?
omg as much as I myself describe things as "yes very gay" haha, I'm not sure what you mean in this context of clothes? I know there's a Gay(TM) and Bi(TM) AeStHeTiC(TM), if so I still think it warrants explanation for those who are not aware of these.
I am not an authority on ethnicity, but I do believe chocolate is a little dark for someone Italian: is she mixed?
Overall I LOVE her look very much.
"Doesn't like being cornered " Unless this is related to claustrophobia, this is more of a Mannerism than a Condition.
"childish but then mature" this statement contradicts itself haha. Do you mean perhaps that she's childish in certain ways but experienced and mature in other fields? Is she mature psychologically/emotionally but acts more her age/immaturely/silly? Try to detail this, everything else seems good (though I would avoid just listing words without explanation/anything to back it up, but that's more of a personal preference than anything haha).
Talents and Hobbies all sound good
Certain things in the Prejudice section aren't actual Prejudices, like "Likes to let people know that she disagrees with them and can sometimes be irking in her teasing" and "Doesn't like being wrong" and "Can be quick to correct " These could go in Personality or Mannerisms or Flaws!
How is "Facility patient " a flaw? Same question for "Really loved her family".
A LOT of things in the Motivations section would make more sense in other sections, or even in your Notes; "Sarcasm" isn't a motive, it's a reaction to what's around you; "Hacking" could be a motive, if she lives for breaking the law, but you would need to go more in depth about this; "Internet, memes and doritos" would only be a motive if she literally, physically lived for these things, if not they're better in Hobbies or somewhere in Social; the whole paragraph about viruses feels sort of out of place, and I don't see how it relates to her motivations, add a sentence to explain or move it to Notes as well; and her being LGBT could go in Motivations if she's a hardcore activist, which you would have to explain also, otherwise it's already pretty clearly established earlier in her Personality haha.
"is very modern and urban styled" what do you mean by this? That she uses slang, that she's a stereotypical "young person" or "millennial" and acts a certain way that's associated with that? Try to be clearer, certain terms or expressions might not be universally understood and therefor are confusing to readers (or editors).
Other than that her Mannerisms are very nice and cover some interesting details, though again "Is a master of computers and is a supreme hacker" feels a little out of place and would fit better in talents, which it already is.
God, tragic backstory. Very interesting, and telling of her personality, that she still has not opened the letter from her father: this tendency to avoid her negative emotions and suppress her problems could definitely be elaborated in Nature, if you're up for it.
Some other things that come up in her Backstory that I hadn't picked up on from her Nature section: does she have any trust issues at all? She took so many hits at such a young age, I feel like that should be made more obvious in her Nature. Does she use flirtation and humor as defense mechanisms? How does she even cope with what happened to her? I'm surprised you never mention any social awkwardness, with how much she isolated herself and then the fact that she was kidnapped and tortured: is she naturally a social butterfly?? Even if she is, how can she just be fine after everything that happened?
A great character who's profile was a little disorganized: you have a lot of elements and details that, if structured a little better, could create a much nicer coherence for Avia. I hope you found this helpful and not too harsh, I really quite like Avia. Good luck!
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