forum (OPEN AGAIN!!!!) I'm in the mood to critique people's characters! Drop them off if you want :)
Started by @Kaloobia
tune

people_alt 82 followers

@Torpion language

@Torpion Hey sorry for the wait!
Markus:

  • oOf, he's tall! :o Great Looks section!
  • (Thank you for the explanation in Motivations, it's quite helpful ^^) Very good Mannerisms, but I think you could add more! Does he have a particular way of speaking, a tone or an accent or a specific vocabulary? Does he have any other ticks, for when he's lying for example? Why does he stare at people: because he's focused, because he's trying to intimidate them, because he's trying to convey something else entirely?
  • Very good and concise Flaws. Is it the inexperience of youngsters that cuts his fuse short? Is he perhaps more civil with people who have been working or in his unit as long as he has, or have seniority over him? And in this case does he ever try control his temper, especially with someone of higher rank? Is there anybody he respects, besides this bigger picture community/country that he's fighting for?
  • Nothing to say on Talents and Hobbies, good job here
  • "train new soldiers at the Southern Genocastra Base." AH, he must NOT have been very happy about that. Is he very bitter that he's been sent to handle new recruits and those with less experience, when he was (probably) very comfortable serving directly under the Chairman? Is Markus the type to take out his anger on the nearest, most convenient target? Does he project a lot, does he gaslight, does he ignore his own issues in favor establishing authority/dominance? He has an angry streak, but how is he at dealing with his other emotions, at being vulnerable with himself? Or has this tendency been completely trained out of him? Finally, what's his moral compass like? How far is too far when it comes to getting what you want, according to him? Is he manipulative ever, or is he brutally honest to a fault no matter what?
  • All that being said haha, he's got a solid Nature section!
  • Ooh, love the world-building in Politics!! And it all makes complete sense and seems realistic to me?? Not a good things haha, but again, thanks for the notes. They add a good deal.
  • I'll be honest, I half-expected him to have some really tragic backstory from the way he acts hahaaaa, but it also makes sense that he's just the product of war and conflict. Also him being raised into this type of lifestyle explains a lot as well.
  • Oh, he's a HARDCORE Aries if you ask me ;)
  • Him meeting his mother only once is,,,,heartbreaking. Why only once? If he's so high ranking (let alone if their BOTH high ranking) shouldn't he be able to request some, like, bonding time with his mum? Or is intimacy/affection frowned upon in the GEU, because it softens soldiers? It also makes me curious about, well, Markus' HEART, and his ability to love, to care for others. There's a certain tragedy to him being apart from his parents and raised as a sort of war machine, but I can't be sure about this from what you've written. Has he ever loved? Has he ever been IN love?? Also where's Dad?
  • I love the Ducklips memory, it's cute :) And it adds a certain humanity to Markus, that he can be annoyed at a CAT haha.
  • I have a couple final things: You talk profusely about Markus' professional life and his career and his abilities, but, how is he on a more personal and safe and non-threatening level? What's he like around these "friends" that you mention in Random Facts? How does he keep friends with his frankly foul and insensitive personality?

A solid character, Markus could just use a few more details here and there, some development in certain minor aspects. Not necessary because I see that he's a side character, but nevertheless, maybe providing some insight that makes the reader sympathize more with him (against their will haha) would be helpful.
I hope this proves useful to you, and good luck!

Aaaaa thank you so much!!!! This was SUPER helpful, you're a genius 👌😭👌 Thank you so much for taking the time to read through his profile and give me sound advice, I really appreciate it!

Destinee

Hello! Me again, sorry, but I was just thinking about coming back here with another one of my favorite characters again to see if you had any thoughts on them. This one is a little on the fantasy side, so i hope you don't mind. » I just really love how thorough you can be is all! It's refreshing (to me…is that how i would describe it ?)

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster
Jax:

  • (I took the liberty of checking his Family tab and! sure enough! he's another Sophie love interest haha ^^)
  • HOLYYY SHIT HE'S TALL!! :O :O Good detail in Body Type, but lacking in Hair Style (as well as absence of Identifying Marks and Weight). Do you mean that he has a messy-ness to his hair, like a mullet that sticks up? what's his bang situation? Spiky naturally, like a cat's fur standing on end, or in a hair-product kinda way?
  • "due to his lack of emotionless" I get the total opposite here: he clear doesn't lack emotions, and if you mean that he's simply not very emotive then write that, or replace with a "seeming lack of emotions". You mention he has friends, why do these people continue to associate with him if he only shows his softer side to his mother, and to them probably comes off like a jackass? Why does he associate with them, in particular, if he has major trust issues? He doesn't have friends, I guess I worded poorly (at least not in the beginning of the book), I guess people stay with if they can tolerate him long enough and break through his wall

Also, I'm curious if he truly doesn't notice how others are feeling, or if he chooses to ignore how others react to him? Especially because you mention that one of his Talents is reading people!

  • I'm very curious about his possession, and if the Kitsune inside him fully controls him (and thus makes him how he is) or if it's a more peaceful cohabitation (which would also affect Jax, albeit in a different way).
  • I'll admit it sort of hit me out of nowhere that he enjoys puns, he doesn't seem at all like the kinda guy who's big on humor, especially this kind of more "silly" form of humor. You may want to elaborate on this sillier part of him, maybe compare it to his snarkier side which seems to be his default with people he doesn't know well or want to be talking to.
  • It'd be great to elaborate on things like "Vengeful", because it doesn't really jump out or explain itself in his profile. What's he vengeful about? Is he petty, or is goal-oriented in his revenge? How angry does he need to get, how strongly does he need to be wronged for something in him to just snap and for him to seek revenge? How does this affect him in a bad way, eating him out from the inside?
  • What kind of shop worker is he, in Job? A nitpick, but it is rather vague.
  • I know there's a lot of difficulty in explaining the behavior of an abuser, but why was his father emotionally abusive only to him, and physically abusive to Jax's other family members?
  • "his mother took them to a theme park in the Hollowstile district but after that, his father reveals he has custody of his older brother" another nitpick, but why is the theme park relevant in this part, or worth mentioning?
  • "They are highly but they usually" after highly you kinda […]. I think you forgot a word there buddy ^^
  • the Voice Claim section offers a good set of details on his speech, good addition :)
  • I'm curious how his Character Theme, Apathy, plays into all this: he doesn't seem like the apathetic type, just guarded, but obviously takes relationships and promises and stuff seriously?

Anyway, Jax looks good, but some things could be taken further or explained more clearly. As always I hope this was helpful, and good luck!

took the liberty of checking his Family tab and! sure enough! he's another Sophie love interest haha

Hehe I guess it's otome-inspired novel, don't this is the last love interest



 You mention he has friends, why do these people continue to associate with him if he only shows his softer side to his mother, and to them probably comes off like a jackass? Why does he associate with them, in particular, if he has major trust issues?



 Also, I'm curious if he truly doesn't notice how others are feeling, or if he chooses to ignore how others react to him? Especially because you mention that one of his Talents is reading people! He chooses to ignore people also while he's good at reading emotions due to he past he's not good at understanding them



I'm very curious about his possession, and if the Kitsune inside him fully controls him (and thus makes him how he is) or if it's a more peaceful cohabitation (which would also affect Jax, albeit in a different way) A mixture of both, while the spirit inside him protects Jax, it's willing to control him like a puppet to take care of business



I'll admit it sort of hit me out of nowhere that he enjoys puns, he doesn't seem at all like the kinda guy who's big on humor, especially this kind of more "silly" form of humor. You may want to elaborate on this sillier part of him, maybe compare it to his snarkier side which seems to be his default with people he doesn't know well or want to be talking to. It more of a snarky thing regarding to something like wordplay and such, I put there to give him an another layer other the brooding smart guy



It'd be great to elaborate on things like "Vengeful", because it doesn't really jump out or explain itself in his profile. What's he vengeful about? Is he petty, or is goal-oriented in his revenge? How angry does he need to get, how strongly does he need to be wronged for something in him to just snapand for him to seek revenge? I guess it's in a goal-oriented way, he usually doesn't care about small things but will seek if he pushed enough or is greatly wronged



 How does this affect him in a bad way, eating him out from the inside?What kind of shop worker is he, in Job? A nitpick, but it is rather vague. Actually that info is outdated, I forget to change it to his new job as cafe waiter



I know there's a lot of difficulty in explaining the behavior of an abuser, but why was his father emotionally abusive only to him, and physically abusive to Jax's other family members?

While he father emotionally abused everyone in his family, his father verbally abused him the most, Since Jax was sickly and his father thought he wasn't worth the energy of hitting



"his mother took them to a theme park in the Hollowstile district but after that, his father reveals he has custody of his older brother" another nitpick, but why is the theme park relevant in this part, or worth mentioning?"

A plot point takes part at the theme park also it has a sentimental value to Jax or a traumatic one in this case



I'm curious how his Character Theme, Apathy, plays into all this: he doesn't seem like the apathetic type, just guarded, but obviously takes relationships and promises and stuff seriously? I guess I was referring to him pretending to be Apathetic, I guess his theme could be Loyalty or Karma

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster It's no problem at all! ^^
Lucas:

  • Good Looks section! It might help to add a weight for him, but that's optional.
  • Great detail in Personality! For Motivation, I would raise the point that it's dangerous to have a character's only motivation center around another person, to push their entire character into the role of Love Interest and nothing else; so, maybe develop a second Motivation for him.
  • What do you mean when you say "Cursed" in Conditions? Elaborate.
  • I find it a tiny bit contradictory that, for someone who wants so desperately to be loved, you describe Lucas as someone with few worries, gets into fights constantly (and enjoys it), comes off rude and selfish as a first impression. Are all of these traits defense mechanisms? perhaps to keep people who "aren't worth it" at a distance? In which case, who's his target "audience" haha, who's love is he desperate for? What type of people is he drawn to, and how long before he lets down his guard and becomes more "Warm" as you describe him?
  • Everything else in Nature looks good!
  • I'm actually curious, in his Likes you put "love", but who on earth doesn't like love? Who doesn't crave it on some basic level? This might be interesting to elaborate on, perhaps introduce an obsessiveness or fixation to him.
  • oooooh he has a spouse but likes Sophie :0 :0 :0
  • "This was all caused when his mother's ghost tried to steal his soul, His father resented him for that" why??? does his father resent him for something like that?????
  • In general his Background is a little confused, you leave certain sentences unfinished and there's a certain vagueness to a lot of it. Maybe go over it a few more times, try to be more specific in areas (4 people? who they???)
  • I find it a very good detail that, possibly because he was neglected by his father, Lucas has a tendency to date around, to seek affection that he missed out on during his childhood. I had to guess at this, and I think it'd be a great aspect to elaborate on and detail in his Nature section!

Overall a good character who just needs a little bit of polishing, and you should be good! I hope this was helpful :)

What do you mean when you say "Cursed" in Conditions? Elaborate. He's a half-phantom or a human with half their half their soul out(his mom's ghost tried to pull, Causing him to see supernatural beings and give off a strong smell to these creatures which makes him a targeted for being eaten or used for potions, also it weakens his body quite a bit (example, A poison that can knock out a normal human would kill a half-phantom)



I find it a tiny bit contradictory that, for someone who wants so desperately to be loved, you describe Lucas as someone with few worries, gets into fights constantly (and enjoys it), comes off rude and selfish as a first impression. Are all of these traits defense mechanisms? perhaps to keep people who "aren't worth it" at a distance? He tends to use the "bad boy" personality to both attract and repel people, there mostly defense mechanisms to weed the people he doesn't want out



In which case, who's his target "audience" haha, who's love is he desperate for? What type of people is he drawn to, and how long before he lets down his guard and becomes more "Warm" as you describe him? He prefers either the sweet and naive type that looks up to him or mature and responsible type that takes care of him



Everything else in Nature looks good!I'm actually curious, in his Likes you put "love", but who on earth doesn't like love? Who doesn't crave it on some basic level? This might be interesting to elaborate on, perhaps introduce an obsessiveness or fixation to him. He have he a big fixation on love, thinking love can fix him



In general his Background is a little confused, you leave certain sentences unfinished and there's a certain vagueness to a lot of it. Maybe go over it a few more times, try to be more specific in areas (4 people? who they???) The four people are Lucas's exs and the antagonist (technically antivillians) in his arc






@Kaloobia

@Morosis
Thank you for your patience! :) Here we go.
Nathan:

  • Love the ghost on skateboard pic in his Gallery :D
  • Very good details in Looks, I'm especially impressed because he's a ghost and you still manage with that!
  • A great listener; how does he show this when he can't physically communicate, how does he make the other party feel heard? Does he phantom-pat their arm or shoulder, does he envelop them in a cold breeze reminiscent of a ghost-hug? Does he specifically shine a light on his face and person so that he can mimic sympathizing gestures and hope that his partner sees it?
  • In his "Considerate" paragraph, does his consideration extend to respecting someone asking him, directly, to maybe stop spying on them? Does his worry border onto paranoia by any chance? And does he think, realistically, about whether his spying is actually useful, and whether that soothes anyone or anything other than him?
  • I'm also curious, his caring and consideration and good listening: does this all stem from his loneliness? Is he like this people because he hopes, prays, to get affection in return? Or is he genuinely that selfless?
  • In Hobbies, wouldn't watching horror movies possibly trigger memories or phantom pains of his own death? Or is it a cathartic thing for him? Overall good Hobbies and Talents!
  • His Flaws are nicely developed, good job there!
  • Good Mannerisms too. In general a great Nature section, very detailed and basically every trait is explained :)
  • Social section is also good, nothing to say here
  • Very thorough Background as well, and sad as is to be expected.
  • "I could, right now, literally walk into the white house, possess the president and request a nuclear strike." YEAH BUDDY YOU SURE COULD HUH

A clearly well-thought-out character that stays consistent. Some details could be added/re-analyzed but overall you did a very good job with him!! I'm sorry I didn't write as much as usual, you really were very thorough so there's less for me to questions :) Good luck!

@Kaloobia

@Destinee
You flatter me with your praise, thank you <3 I'm happy to take a look!
Ruuben:

  • AAGhGHGHH WHAT????? BEAUTY GRACE PERFECT GORGEOUS???? LOVE her gallery, she's so beautiful, wowie if you drew her (as well as Marie) I'm super impressed, your art style is so clean and detailed and colorful! <3 <3 <3
  • Great detail in Looks, ironic that you put "None" in Identifying marks ;)
  • Good Mannerisms too!! Maybe some more details on how she speaks, the tone of voice, the vocab use?
  • Oof, she's got quite the weight on her shoulders: it's hard to keep trying to prove yourself to someone who will never be satisfied by you.
  • I sense a lack of sincerity on her part, not necessarily in the bad way: she seems very closed off and barred, greeting people politely and trying to be the perfect royal heir while having a whirlwind of emotions piling up inside. When she eventually does blow up, is it ever accidentally at someone else? Or does she have enough self-control to really let it all out when she's alone, maybe throw some stuff around, "try not to let the crazy show" and all that? She's also defensive and petty, qualities she doesn't like in herself: are these traits obvious enough that they are often exploited by those who want to ruin her reputation? Really I juts want to know how transparent she is haha, since you mention that discomfort shows easily on her face.
  • Ooh a fellow INFP!!! :D Definitely sensed a familiarity there haha.
  • "she’s learned to be patient and understanding with others despite how she feels about a certain situation" a bit contradictory with her tendency to take things personally and hold grudges. Do you mean that she can sympathize/empathize with others even when she doesn't quite relate to what they're going through?
  • Her abilities make me wonder if those who are hostile to her, are thus because they fear her Siren side, not because they think she's "lesser"? Does it happen very often where Ruuben can sense someone's distrust of her despite her politeness, perhaps because they assume in that very moment that she is trying to manipulate them juts by making conversation??? Would love to explore this.
  • Love her Nature section as a whole, though there are some small inconsistencies and I think you could delve deeper into how her environment has shaped her into who she is: used to being belittled and therefor is constantly on the defensive, expecting an attack whether it's passive or aggressive; afraid to open up and "be her best self" in a sense despite the need to assimilate and prove herself, creating a self-sabotaging cycle in a way; etc.
  • "She has a soft stomach because of her diet." <3 <3 <3 i love
  • Good Social section!
  • I love the irony of people hating her not because she's a "bastard" child, but because she isn't a "pure-blood bastard". Just, big "oof"s all around in this backstory; both pettiness and defensiveness, along with the guilt for feeling these things, are very common among emotional abuse victims, so I appreciate the accuracy there.

I really like Ruuben, and relate on SO many levels haha, and I think you did good with connecting certain elements to create cohesiveness between her past and personality and flaws. A few things could be elaborated but, she is a very sympathetic hero with a good extensive list of flaws that make her believable. Good job, and I hope this proved helpful! :)

@Kaloobia

Hey I just realized I skipped exactly two people because their requests got lost in one of the previous pages!!! You know who you are, I’m really sorry, I’ll get to you soon and have not forgotten about you!! Thank you and sorry again

@Morosis group

@Morosis
Thank you for your patience! :) Here we go.
Nathan:

  • Love the ghost on skateboard pic in his Gallery :D
  • Very good details in Looks, I'm especially impressed because he's a ghost and you still manage with that!
  • A great listener; how does he show this when he can't physically communicate, how does he make the other party feel heard? Does he phantom-pat their arm or shoulder, does he envelop them in a cold breeze reminiscent of a ghost-hug? Does he specifically shine a light on his face and person so that he can mimic sympathizing gestures and hope that his partner sees it?
  • In his "Considerate" paragraph, does his consideration extend to respecting someone asking him, directly, to maybe stop spying on them? Does his worry border onto paranoia by any chance? And does he think, realistically, about whether his spying is actually useful, and whether that soothes anyone or anything other than him?
  • I'm also curious, his caring and consideration and good listening: does this all stem from his loneliness? Is he like this people because he hopes, prays, to get affection in return? Or is he genuinely that selfless?
  • In Hobbies, wouldn't watching horror movies possibly trigger memories or phantom pains of his own death? Or is it a cathartic thing for him? Overall good Hobbies and Talents!
  • His Flaws are nicely developed, good job there!
  • Good Mannerisms too. In general a great Nature section, very detailed and basically every trait is explained :)
  • Social section is also good, nothing to say here
  • Very thorough Background as well, and sad as is to be expected.
  • "I could, right now, literally walk into the white house, possess the president and request a nuclear strike." YEAH BUDDY YOU SURE COULD HUH

A clearly well-thought-out character that stays consistent. Some details could be added/re-analyzed but overall you did a very good job with him!! I'm sorry I didn't write as much as usual, you really were very thorough so there's less for me to questions :) Good luck!

THANK YOU SOOO MUCHH ONCE AGAIN!!!
There are some really good criticisms in your reply which never occurred to me,which is a very good thing and I will be sure to improve those attributes as soon as ;D
p.s I'm glad you like his gallery picture, I thought it summed him up perfectly hahaha

@Kaloobia

@symphonic I'm so sorry for the wait! Here we go
Valerie:

  • Love the wardrobe section, her dressing style sounds super chic!
  • Woah hey great Looks tab as well! She sounds so cute, totally my type hahaaa. Very good details all around!
  • You describing her relationship with food made me realize you hadn't put a weight down for her: is that intentional? Is her dieting and unhealthy relationship with food chaotic enough that her weight is constantly changing?
  • Love her Mannerisms, and as a native San Franciscan I can totally vouch for her manner of speaking, glad you added that. In general she sounds very Cali :-)
  • In Motivations, the only thing that really counts as such is "Would rather be respected than liked (in theory, not always in practice)." Everything else is some very good in-depth personality description, and could be split between Personality type and Flaws :-) Also VERY good Flaws, it clearly sets up that Val is not necessarily a "good guy" a lot of the time, despite being a protagonist. She's defensive about her insecurities and exaggerates her bitch-energy to cover it up, and you mention that she isn't actively working on improving herself: is she aware that this is self-destructive? She acknowledges her insecurities and flaws, so she's self-aware to a degree: but is she self-aware enough to know that these things will bite her in the ass eventually? It brings up the question of self-discipline, and her self-control, and her understanding of things like consequences and karma: is she the type to blame others for her problems, while ignoring perhaps her own destructive behavior? I really like the detail of "Cade— part of the reason she gets so annoyed at him about it is her own insecurities coming through", because it once again signals her awareness. She knows she needs to fix something about herself, perhaps several things, but won't put in the work, despite her stubbornness, despite her competitiveness. This might sound contradictory haha, but I don't believe it is, especially for a teen who's all over the place with confidence, with work-ethic, with opinions. I do think it would be worth re-examining how selective she is about her work ethic: she's not a team player, which signals a self-interest and a disregard for the success of others, but wouldn't that also mean spending all her time improving herself, rather than "kissing up" to other people and "making nice"? Or does she already think that she's at her best? Does she think, deep down, that she can't improve as a person, that this is the best it gets, and therefor she's juts going to succumb to her flaws and insecurities and try to be proud of them, because there's no going up or working through them?
  • (THAT WAS LONG SORRY)
  • Good Hobbies and Talents.
  • I'd love to know more about this superiority complex (?) of hers, and how it affects her relationships with her peers, as well as her perception of social situations. Clearly she's not a team player, but does she ever use others to get what she wants? Is she a backstabber, a manipulator? Or is she the type to do all the work herself, because if she asks someone else for help then it won't be hers, she won't have earned the reward or feeling of accomplishment?
  • Very good details here in Nature, kudos
  • Great Social section also!
  • Aaahh a lot makes sense with her being working-class but going to what I assume is a "rich kids" school: it would only strengthen her dislike of her peers, who she assumes were probably silver-spoon-fed their entire lives and have never had to work for anything, etc. Of course I'm only assuming here, would love to see this developed in Nature!

I really really like Val!!! Which is a weird thing to say probably, but I love flaws and I love character growth and she clearly has a lot in ways of both so! I think some more details could be added here and there but you did a great job developing her all around! Thank you for sending her in, and I hope this was helpful!

@Kaloobia

Hey I just closed the topic for a while but don't worry!! I'm still getting to everyone who has submitted a character before I did! :) Thank you for your patience!

@Kaloobia

@Kinarymo Hey thank you as well for your patience ToT
Oracle:

  • Great details in Looks, as always (and beautiful gallery illustration <3)
  • "to take on the appearance of someone dear to the victim," The use of "victim" here is VERY foreboding, I don't know if you're aware of that effect haha, it makes me very suspicious and not trust the Oracle. Was that done on purpose??
  • OOP nevermind they are dangerous, gotcha
  • Very interesting being you have here: malevolent but honest, manipulative and cowardly. Doe the Oracle act completely in self-interest? When they offer advice/answer questions/console their prey, are they doing it with the end goal of "ah yes FOOD" or is there something deeper there? Do they feel good about being asked for advice? Is the Oracle just lonely, by any chance?
  • You really did a very good job in Nature, I had to struggle to find things to comment on hahaaa
  • The Social tab is a bit empty: I'd recommend filling it out a bit more, especially religion and politics, as these are probably very interesting with the Oracle being such a powerful and ethereal being.
  • Nothing to say about Background, looks good.

It's hard to go as in-depth with a God-like creature as you would with a normal character haha, and I believe you do a good job despite the circumstances. I'm sorry this is such a short critique (perhaps the smallest I've ever done wow!), but the Oracle is clearly a being steeped in mystery and you did go into very good detail despite that. Good luck, and I hope this was mildly helpful!

@Kinarymo

@Kaloobia
Well, her main goal would be food indeed, but the idea of loneliness sounds very appealing as well. The Oracle is a sentient being after all, so growing lonely isn't out of the question, especially with the ridiculous amount of time it has been alive. I feel it could be interesting if by consuming a person the Oracle would somehow ease the loneliness for a while (since you know, they got a person's entire life worth of memories and experiences to go through). Idk, sounds like new exploring ground here :D

Uuh, idk politics at all man, i never know what to put there :"D

Glad to know i'm on the right path with this bab; thank you very much, your feedback was very helpful as always o3o (I'm also glad you liked the pic, i was made in a bit of a hurry, since i really wanted to give it a visual reference before you got to critique it, though i noticed you saw it first on my Insta so it kinda ruined the surprise haha :"D) <3

@Kaloobia

@Fangirl616 Hey I'm so sorry for the wait! And don't you worry about me being busy :)
Zenith:

  • I really like his first outfit in gallery!! Great details :)
  • In Looks: how muscular is he? You don't put weight so it's hard to imagine specifics: is he more lean and smooth, or heavy and bulky? Is he muscular all around or is it concentrated more in legs/arms/chest? What specific skin tone does he have? Is he literally paper-white? Or is he more alabaster, pale, fair, does he have red or yellow or blue undertones?
  • How quickly do his injuries heal? Do they disappear within seconds, minutes? As a general rule most people can heal from non-lethal injuries, why is it special for him?
  • His Hobbies are good; Talents too, though I would suggest adding something more than just combat related things.
  • You have a good outline in his Nature tab, but it could all do with more development, specifically Flaws, Personality Type, and Mannerisms. He is cocky as a front, but is he actually confident in his way of being? He could have shitty self-esteem, but this isn't very clear, only that he's hurting. In what ways is he an asshole? Is he a loud and obnoxious cocky, or a cool, "i'm better than you" cocky? Definitely add more flaws, "a lil bit murdery" is kinda vague: describe why this is a flaw, and then add onto that. Being an asshole, as you say, is also a flaw, and can be developed. In Mannerisms, you tie back into his rudeness, so you clearly have the right idea of making connections between traits and categories! Other than that, doe she walk a certain way, talk a certain way? Does he have any nervous ticks, does he have a tell for when he's lying? His Motivations show a petty, vengeful side: doe she often take out his negativity on others, or blame others for his problems? Is he the type to think "if I suffered, you have to too"? Is he the type to "take things into his own hands", so to speak, and punish people when karma won't? Does he have a hero complex? Overall he needs more details to his personality, I'm not really getting a feel of who he is.
  • Most of Social could be developed just a little bit, like you did with the Favorite animal (I'm thinking especially Social and Religion). Good start to fill out all the categories with something at all!

You have a really good base for him! His backstory seems to still be in the works, but I think what you really need is development in Nature, because you've clearly got a good idea of him that needs writing down. You can some personality quizzes or questionnaires for him, I find that helpful, or you can start off by listing traits and then slowly adding onto them and explaining. He looks good so far, keep up the good work! I hope this was helpful!

@Kaloobia

@Jana Thanks for your patience!!
Saorise:

  • Her Looks are great, nothing to say here!
  • Very nice specifics in Mannerisms! Does she speak a certain way, have an accent, a particular vocabulary? Any nervous ticks or tells for when she's lying?
  • "demeanor often gets misread" what exactly do you mean by this? It's a bit vague. I also don't quite see how things like "soft-hearted" and "timid" are necessarily flaws, these warrant some explanation. And what do you mean by "affecting others is the last thing she wants to do"? And why is that a flaw? You have a good list, but some of the traits need context.
  • "more, im just lazy" babe,,
  • Both Motivations and Hobbies are very good.
  • "The King" by Conan Gray?? I love the song, but I'd be very intrigued by how it relates back to Saorise: I don't see much of a correlation, and if you feel up to it, maybe also elaborate on that as well? The song itself is about a guy who puts on false confidence to hide how expendable he feels around the person he likes: Saorise doesn't strike me as the type to "front", so if this is a part of her personality then mention it! Also maybe put the artists of the songs so I can be sure haha
  • Overall I have a good idea of Saorise form her Nature section, so that's good!
  • Some categories are blank in Social but it's alright, everything looks fine!
  • Wow that's a lot of languages!! Is she fluent, like actually fluent, in all of them? No problems in Background, except that I have little context for the story so I don't understand the schooling system haha
  • Very nice Gallery :) Also wow you really have a generational story planned, not to mention a tragic ending for this one here :o

You did a good job with her: some elements need to be better developed or explained, but you're on the right track with her and she's clearly well-thought out! I hope this proved helpful, good luck! :)

@Kaloobia

NOTICE

I'm currently traveling and moving around a LOT, which is why I've temporarily closed the thread. Sorry to everyone who had to wait a little longer the last couple of days haha, I was a little disorganized and I apologize.
I'll probably re-open this thread somewhere mid-September.
Until then! ^^

@symphonic

@Kaloobia AHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Wow, that is some fantastic analysis, this has given me so much to think about! I'm glad you like Val, she's such a fun character to write. Thank you again for all your help, it means a lot! <333