forum Incorrect Quotes 2: Electric Boogaloo

Started July 17, 2020 by @HighPockets group

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Tabitha: You tricked me!
The Director: I deceived you, Miss Meyer. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

Leonardo: I owe you a favor, and it can be anything you want.
Midge: Anything?
Leonardo: Yeah, anything.
Midge: Can you explain to me how a fridge works? Like, how does it stay cold?

Sparrow: We're having the best time, aren't we?
Thaddeus: I wish I was dead.

Kane Arachnid: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.
Jack: And…?
Kane Arachnid: And you are.

Hammy: I'm not looking for any trouble.
Midge: What a horrible way to live.

Grace: It's not the end of the world to have feelings.
Drew: Well, no, but it's certainly up there.

Midge, after almost running Howie over with their scooter: You probably don't want to befriend me. The police twll me I'm a handful.
Howie, totally stoned: I have two hands.

Tao, playing cards: You better start waving your white flag now, Iseul!
Iseul: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
Tao: …Jesus, dude.

Sparrow: You know, Thad, you may be single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.
Thaddeus: I don't think I like your tone, kid.

Ransom: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
Midge: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
Hammy: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
Dahlia: I handle our accounting.

Dominic: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?
Kane Arachnid and Jack: No.
Dominic: Didn't think so.

Sparrow: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

Elias: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Tania: I don't want your advice.
Elias: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.

Felix: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.
Shea: Being a fish.
Felix: Well, shit.

Paisley: I can't imagine what Abel is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

Bruce: I don't like you.
Selene: What did you say?
Bruce: You heard me!
Selene, internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said.

Grace: Is there something you'd like to say to Abel?
Bianca: Oh, there's several things I want to say to Abel–

Abel: Rhyda won’t wake up, what do I do?
Shea: Did you try kicking her?
Abel: Yes.
Shea: I’m out of ideas.

Jeb: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Bianca: Fuck that, I’m not kissing any of you.
[Shea walks in]
Bianca: Fine, I’ll do it.

Paisley: You disgust me.
Abel: [eating a kitkat sideways] I realize this and don’t care.

Howie: I don’t remember that.
Avon: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Howie: No.
Avon: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
Howie: No.
Avon: It was in between those two things.

Geneva: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
Jackson: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
Max: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
Morgan: I handle our accounting.

Vassa: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?
Dara and Paterman: No.
Vassa: Didn't think so.

Algernon: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.
Launce: Being a fish.
Algernon: Well, shit.

Mabel: I can't imagine what Ira is planning, but I can tell you two things: we won't like it and it won't be legal.

Alden: Is there something you'd like to say to Algernon?
Klaus: Oh, there's several things I want to say to Algernon–

Luc: I don’t remember that.
Skye: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Luc: No.
Skye: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
Luc: Also no.
Skye: It was in between those two things.

Anthony: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
Quill: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
Anthony: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?

Ophelia: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?
Elliot and Claire: No.
Ophelia: I figured.

Cyrus: Is there something you'd like to say to Dally?
Anthony: Oh, there's several things I want to say to Dame–

Cyrus: I don’t remember that.
Anthony: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Cyrus: No.
Anthony: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
Cyrus: Also no.
Anthony: It was in between those two things.

Bram: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

Elias: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Eshaal: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Vaughn: You need to stop.

Abel: Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.
Paisley, running in out of breath: They pushed mE DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS.

Grace: So what do you do?
Asher: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers.
Grace: Wow, impressive.
Asher: Then I'll move on to Leos.

Vaughn: Dad, I’m asexual.
Cecil:
Cecil, internally: Oh god. Okay. I can be supportive. I can tell him I’m demisexual as well. Yeah. Be supportive. Let him know he’s not alone. This is your chance to be the best dad ever, Cecil–
Cecil: Hm.
Cecil, internally: Fuck.

Felix: Trauma? Oh, you mean the reason I'm fucking hilarious?

Midge: Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them. On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.

Hammy: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Midge: Forty exclamation points in a row, and it's pronounced like a person screaming.

Dominic: I dunno maybe the horrors would be less daunting if we were holding hands
Jack: With each other or with the horrors?

Howie: Aw man, we can’t go in here, it says 18+, and there’s only two of us.
Midge: Hold on, I'm inviting everyone we know–

Rune: Another decade has passed and guess who’s still here? The moon. She’s always been here and she’ll always be. She’s a loyal friend to all of us– Say thank you moon.

Quill: Mr. Croce, I think I might be aro-ace.
Anthony:
Anthony, internally: Oh, god. Okay. I can be supportive. I can tell her I’m asexual as well. Yeah. Be supportive. Let her know she’s not alone. This is your chance to be a good mentor, Anthony–
Anthony: Hm.
Anthony, internally: Fuck.

Elliot: Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.
Ophelia, out of breath: He pushed me down the FUCKING STAIRS.

Dally, sitting in the county jail: What about my Miranda rights? They're supposed to say 'You have the right to remain silent'! Nobody said I had the right to remain silent!
Anthony, sitting next to him: You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

Anthony: Jesus, Quill, what happened to you? You're bleeding everywhere!
Quill, who was wrestling a racoon ten minutes ago: …I went monster hunting.

Anthony: Oh, so I'm just supposed to 'enjoy good things' that happen instead of being constantly terrified that they'll turn to dust in my hands?!

Dally: The thing is, Mr. Poole…I'm trans.
Joey:
Joey, internally: Oh, God. Okay. I can be supportive. I can tell him I’m trans as well. Yeah. Be supportive. Let him know he’s not alone. This is your chance to be a good mentor, Joey–
Joey: Hm.
Joey, internally: Fuck.

Caspar, sitting in the county jail: What about my Miranda rights? They're supposed to say 'You have the right to remain silent'! Nobody said I had the right to remain silent!
Ira, sitting next to him: You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

Robert: Jesus, Clyde, what happened to you? You're bleeding everywhere!
Clyde, who was wrestling a raccoon ten minutes ago: …I went monster hunting.

Beck: Oh, so I'm just supposed to 'enjoy good things' that happen instead of being constantly terrified that they'll turn to dust in my hands?!

Everett: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

Martha: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Victor: You need to stop.

Jane: Dad, I’m transgender.
Robert:
Robert, internally: Oh God. Okay. I can be supportive. I can tell her I’m bisexual and that I'll help her with whatever she needs. Yeah. Be supportive. Let her know she’s not alone. This is your chance to be the best dad ever, Robert–
Robert: Hm.
Robert, internally: Fuck.

Henry: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Jackson: Forty exclamation points in a row, and it's pronounced like a person screaming.

Clyde: I dunno, maybe the horrors would be less daunting if we were holding hands
Jane: With each other or with the horrors?

Barry: Aw man, we can’t go in here, it says 18+, and there’s only two of us.
Jacob: Hold on, I'm inviting everyone we know–

Theo: Another decade has passed and guess who’s still here? The moon. She’s always been here and she’ll always be. She’s a loyal friend to all of us–say thank you moon.

Kathy: out of nowhere i wanna chop that woman’s head off-
Jay: stares at kathy ITS A FUCKING MANNEQUIN-

Buba: …why is that man trying to talk to me?
Kathy: kiddo- it’s a tv show…
Buba: hes still talking to me. I dont even know him!

Kathy: ok ima just head out.
Goi: nu uh. Dinners almost ready and I don’t want mud and blood in the kitchen.

Officer Bauer: Your nephew got into a fight at school today.
Emma: Did he win?

Paul: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.
Beck: Gwen said one time when you were kids she saw you kick someone down the stairs for saying Hemingway was a better writer than Fitzgerald.
Paul: Exactly. That was my battle. So be kind.

Victor: Someone studying atomic structure is really just a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves.
Geneva: I swear you're going to be the reason I start smoking again.

Clive: How do I ask a guy out?
Sybil: It's simple. You open the door and say “get out, you’re bothering me.”

Caspar: Ira has only knocked me out three times this week. I think our friendship is really developing.

Helsie, about Mikhail: What if I murdered him–hypothetically speaking.
Sal: Aren't you a pacifist?
Helsie: Yes, I'm about to pass a fist through his face.

Ira, trying to "be less intense" by making a joke: Did you hear about the recently deceased Italian chef?
Joey: Yeah, he was my uncle.
Ira:
Ira: Did not know that. Meant to be the set-up to a joke.
Joey: Okay, finish it.
Ira:….he pasta way.

Geo: oh great here we go again-
Kathy: what-?
Geo: curls up in a ball mental breakdown-
Kathy:
Kathy: let me join you-

Buba: screams from other room
Everyone in the household: rushes in and says in unison WHATS WRONG?!
Buba: laughing hysterically I just wanted to see how many people would come running-
Everyone:

Miss Park: Your son got into a fight at school today.
Cecil: Did he win?

Dahlia: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.
Hammy: Killian said one time when you were kids she saw you kick someone down the stairs for saying Chanel was a better brand than Hermes.
Dahlia: Exactly. That was my battle. So be kind.

Eshaal: Someone studying atomic structure is really just a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves.
Vaughn: I swear you're going to be the reason I start going through a pack a day.

Rune: How do I ask a girl out?
Sparrow: It's simple. You open the door and say “get out, you’re bothering me.”

Holden: Sid has only knocked me out three times this week. I think our friendship is really developing.

Grace, about Donovan: What if I murdered him–hypothetically speaking.
Drew: Aren't you a pacifist?
Grace: Yes, I'm about to pass a fist through his face.

Midge: Did you hear about the recently deceased Italian chef?
Leonardo: Yeah, he was my uncle.
Midge:
Midge: Whoops. Did not know that. Meant to be the set-up to a joke.
Leonardo: Okay, finish it.
Midge: ….he pasta way.

Principal Huron: Your daughter Quill got into a fight at school today.
Mr. Cardenas: Did she win?

Cyrus: Did you hear about the recently deceased Italian chef?
Anthony: Yeah, he was my uncle.
Cyrus:
Cyrus: Did not know that. Meant to be the set-up to a joke.
Anthony: Okay, finish it.
Cyrus: …He pasta way.

Quill: California girls, we're inconsolable!
Quill: Dreams of doom, the visions won't stop!

Elliot: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Emmett: Remember, Ms. Cardenas, curiosity killed the cat.
Jacque: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So go find out if that thing can catch fire, Quill!
Emmett: You're a terrible influence.
Jacques: And you don't know your sayings.

Felix: As they say, 'It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield.'
Elliot: Opposite over hypotenuse.
Elliot: Dipshit.

Cyrus: Ant isn’t answering my calls.
Dally: Here, I'll try.
Cyrus: I called eight times, what makes you thi-
Anthony, picking up immediately: What the hell do you want?

Felix, to Jacques: Wow, left-handed and French? You really are an illusion.

Anthony: God, I'm tired.
Felix: You get three hours of sleep a night, why are you surprised?
Anthony: Oh, I'm not surprised. I just want to complain about it.

Opal: California girls, we're inconsolable!
Opal: Dreams of doom, the visions won't stop!

Killian: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Drew: Remember, Sid, curiosity killed the cat.
Abel: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So go find out if that thing can catch fire, Sid!
Drew: You're a terrible influence.
Abel: And you don't know your sayings.

Haru: As they say, 'It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield.'
Tao: Opposite over hypotenuse.
Tao: Dipshit.

Tao: Terbish isn’t answering my calls.
Iseul: Here, I'll try.
Tao: I called eight times, what makes you thi-
Terbish, picking up immediately: What the hell do you want?

Elias, to Jack: Wow, left-handed and French? You really are an illusion.

Vaughn: God, I'm tired.
Tobias: You get three hours of sleep a night, why are you surprised?
Vaughn: Oh, I'm not surprised. I just want to complain about it.

Jeanne-Marie: Ondalayan girls, we're inconsolable!
Jeanne-Marie: Dreams of doom, the visions won't stop!

Algernon: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Joey: Remember, kid, curiosity killed the cat.
Ira: Forgot satisfaction brought it back. Find out if that thing catches fire, Ganymede.
Joey: You're a terrible influence.
Ira: You don't know your sayings.

George: As they say, 'It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield.'
Elaine: Opposite over hypotenuse.

Beck: God, I'm tired.
Marisol: You get three hours of sleep a night, why are you surprised?
Beck: I'm not surprised, I just want to complain about it.

Declan: Hi, is this Niall?
Niall: who is this
Declan: This is Declan from the dentist’s office. I got your number from your file.
Niall: Pretty sure this violate Hippo but okay shoot your shot
Declan: I’m not flirting with you. We have you on video stealing thousands of dollars of X-ray equipment.

Niall: “i can fix her.” That’s cool. I love her just the way she is. 🐺 AWOOOO
Satu: we gonna get your meds, just hang in there

Niall: sometimes I just call the number on the missing dog posters and just bark

Tomas: sorry if I’m bothering you
Lifeguard pulling him to shore: what

Satu: hello this is Satu from doordash
Satu: pick a number between 1 and 10
Declan: 4
Satu: Wrong
Satu: no food for you
Declan: what
Declan: why
Declan: Satu please

Niall: waited forty-five minutes, not a single employee came and washed my hands. What the heck is an ‘employees must wash hands’ sign there for??
Declan: interesting…

Declan after removing almost everyone from his private social media account: wait so I have only one follower now
Declan: hi Tomas
Tomas: hey girl 👋 👋

Tomas: hey everyone come to class tomorrow so we can start our assignment
Tomas, hours later: what topic are we doing
Tomas, hours later: do you guys want me dead be honest

Ester: “there’s food at the house” okay and what if I fucking kill you how about that

Ester: what is gaslighting?
Declan: you know what it is
Ester: no I don’t.
Declan: yes you do

Tomas: is it normal to go for a walk in my neighborhood? like in jeans and sweatshirt? are people gonna think I’m weird?
Tomas, editing the post: sorry folks. Got high and super paranoid.

Goi: remember! Trans men are men, trans women are women-
Noby: and non-binary people are right behind you-
Goi: …….sighs

Mariam: Hi, is this Luc?
Luc: Who is this?
Mariam: This is Mariam from the dentist’s office. I got your number from your file.
Luc: Pretty sure this violates some sorta law but, okay, shoot your shot
Mariam: I’m not flirting with you. We have you on video stealing thousands of dollars of x-ray equipment.

Victor: Sorry if I’m bothering you
The lifeguard pulling him to shore: What?

Marya: What is gaslighting?
Oleander: You know what it is
Marya: No I don’t.
Oleander: Yes you do

Beck: Is it normal to go for a walk in my neighborhood? Like in jeans and sweatshirt? Are people gonna think I’m weird?

Calla: How do you plan to prevent all-out war between us and the humans?
Oleander: Reverse necromancy.
Calla: Isn't that just killing people?
Oleander: A mere technicality in an otherwise flawless scheme.

Matthew: Bobby and Peter are shouting outside. Don't you think we should do something?
Kate: You're right, we should.
Kate: Closes the window

Oleander, posting a selfie: Might delete this later ;)
Maia: Well hurry up.

Ira, to Mabel: You are a bird person because you like birds.
Ira: I am a bird person because I hate humans.
Ira: We are not the same.

Joey: I'm genuinely surprised you haven't been arrested yet, let alone for a felony.
Ira: Nat 20 charisma.
Joey: First off, that's not how it works, and second, you're a Nat 1.

Viliam: If you have a stethoscope for some reason, now is a great time to hold it up to a tree. If you can find a smooth-barked hardwood (usually beech around here) then you can hear the life hurgling quietly inside it
Eeromin: Someone explain, please. Bugs?
Finnigan: Nah! Tree's circulation, basically. After the cold of winter, tree sap begins to flow upward and move sugars into the branches and leaves through the xylem, which is a process you can hear. It's like tree blood.
Neziryth: TREE BLOOD: IT HURGLES SOMETIMES

---

Azriel: cooking
Azriel: Started making it. Had a breakdown. Bon appetite

---

Tess: What do you mean "this is an airport" and what do you mean I "can't carry alfredo pasta in my fanny pack?" Do you know who I am?
TSA, under their breath: A menace
Tess: EXACTLY

---

Caoimhe, drunk: Love is cheap… but this booze is cheaper
Kaine, concerned and looking into Caoimhe's bottle: …This is just vinegar

---

Sláine: Who the fuck is out there just eating lukewarm apples?
Caoimhe: Right??
Azriel: ohmyfuckinggods—lukewarm apples? You mean room temperature?

Adalia: I want my daughter to be kind, but I also want her to know that she can throat punch someone if she needs to.

Algernon, at Launce: Gay sex will not fix this situation. Honestly it'd probably make it worse. That being said, I think we should give it a shot anyways.

Liesl: Are you gay for pay?
Algernon: Stars, wouldn't that be a good idea? I'm gay for free like an idiot.

Della, about Julie: I dunno, does she, like, make your heart beat faster?
Amy: I have anxiety; everything makes my heart beat faster.

Aristotle: If I saw a ring of mushrooms I would simply hop in it and chug the first beverage I see.
Aristotle: RIP to the people who don't want to be wed to the faerie queen but I'm different.

Augusta: I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

Richard: You should be addicted to shutting the fuck up.
Augusta: You wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid.

Zuzu: What sign are you?
Babs: A red flag.

Gia: Babs and I were mid-fight in the car when some bitch started riding our bumper so we paused in our fight to agree on slowing down in small increments until we were going 10 miles per hour in a 30 and watched her seethe behind us til she could finally pass and immediately shot past us and rear-ended another car at the stoplight. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

Ester: has anyone told you how beautiful you are today
Declan: no
Ester: better luck tomorrow
Declan: wtf

Tomas: You’re really cute
Ester: thanks
Tomas: what do you like
Ester: murder

Niall: Answer my texts or you’re fired
Satu: Not if I fire you first.
Niall: Good luck trying to say I’m fired while our lips are pressed together, idiot.
Satu: dude what
Niall: I don’t know man, I ate a lot of ham today I’m not acting right

Declan: about to eat now
Niall: What are you going to eat
Declan: can you leave me alone for 5 minutes

Niall: I’m busy now
Niall: I ate glass by accident
Satu: you what
Niall: please leave me alone
Niall: I ate glass

Tomas: broooo
Tomas: I was looking for my phone with the flash of my phone
Niall: wtf 😭
Niall: where was it?

Satu: Why was I born
Tomas: to like subscribe and hit that bell

Declan: RIP MOM AND DAD I know y’all looking up at me right now
Satu: UP???

Declan: no cap I think women deserve equal rights
Tomas: you snapped with this one bro
Declan: aye it was just in my head

Declan: about to go fighting I’ll post the video later!!
Declan, a few hours later: i got my ass beat bruh I’m not posting that

Declan: Tomas, tell Niall I won’t be making it for dinner.
Tomas: okay Declan 👍 👍 👍
Declan: How did you do that
Declan: Tomas, how did you download the hand photos please tell me

Declan, texting a picture of him and Tomas to Ester: my favourite picture of us
Ester: Who is this
Declan: sorry, wrong number
Ester: y’all ugly

Tomas: so what’s your diagnosis
Tomas: what mental illness do you have
Declan: there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m normal
Tomas: 🤥

Niall: If I saw a ring of mushrooms I would simply hop in it and chug the first beverage I see.
Niall: RIP to the people who don't want to be wed to the faerie queen but I'm different.

Declan: Niall and I were mid-fight in the car when some bitch started riding our bumper so we paused in our fight to agree on slowing down in small increments until we were going 10 miles per hour in a 30 and watched her seethe behind us til she could finally pass and immediately shot past us and rear-ended another car at the stoplight. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

Carole: Hi, is this Midge?
Midge: yea. who is this
Carole: This is Declan from the diner. I got your number from Darius.
Midge: Are you flirting ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Carole: I’m not flirting with you. We have you on video stealing thousands of dollars of kitchen appliances.

Midge: sometimes I just call the number on the missing dog posters and just bark

Drew: sorry if I’m bothering you
Lifeguard pulling him to shore: what

Midge: hello this is Midge from doordash
Midge: pick a number between 1 and 10
Avon: 4
Midge: Wrong
Midge: no food for you
Avon: what
Avon: why
Avon: Midge please

Hammy: waited forty-five minutes, not a single employee came and washed my hands. What the heck is an ‘employees must wash hands’ sign there for??
Carole: interesting…

Eshaal: hey everyone come to class tomorrow so we can start our assignment
Eshaal, hours later: what topic are we doing
Eshaal, hours later: do you guys want me dead be honest

Cagney: “there’s food at the house” okay and what if I fucking kill you how about that?

Killian: what is gaslighting?
Ransom: you know what it is
Killian: no I don’t.
Ransom: yes you do

Dahlia: is it normal to go for a walk in my neighborhood? like in jeans and sweatshirt? are people gonna think I’m weird?
Dahlia, editing the post: sorry folks. Got high and super paranoid.

Haru: How do you plan to prevent all-out war?
Iseul: Reverse necromancy.
Mischa: Isn't that just killing people?
Iseul: A mere technicality in an otherwise flawless scheme.

Selene: Tobias and Eshaal are shouting outside. Don't you think we should do something?
Vaughn: You're right, we should.
Vaughn: [Closes the window]

Felix, posting a selfie: Might delete this later ;)
Rhyda: Well hurry up.

Dahlia, to Midge: You are a cat person because you like knocking shit over.
Dahlia: I am a bird person because I hate humans.
Dahlia: We are not the same.

Shea: I'm genuinely surprised you haven't been arrested yet, let alone for a felony.
Bianca: 20 charisma.
Shea: First off, that's not how it works, and second, you're a 3.

Marisol: I want my son to be kind, but I also want him to know that he can throat punch someone if he needs to.

Howie: Are you gay for pay?
Killian: God, wouldn't that be a good idea? I'm gay for free like an idiot.

Hammy, about Dahlia: I dunno, does she, like, make your heart beat faster?
Avon: I have anxiety; everything makes my heart beat faster.

Leighton: If I saw a ring of mushrooms I would simply hop in it and chug the first beverage I see.
Leighton: RIP to the people who don't want to be wed to the acondi king but I'm different.

Abel: I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

Bianca: You should be addicted to shutting the fuck up.
Shea: You wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid.

Giles: What sign are you?
Tania: A red flag.

Ransom: Killian and I were mid-fight in the car when some bitch started riding our bumper so we paused in our fight to agree on slowing down in small increments until we were going 10 miles per hour in a 30 and watched her seethe behind us til she could finally pass and immediately shot past us and rear-ended another car at the stoplight. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

Ransom: has anyone told you how beautiful you are today
Killian: no
Ransom: better luck tomorrow
Killian: wtf

Milo: You’re really cute
Cagney: thanks
Milo: what do you like
Cagney: murder

Paisley: about to eat now
Grace: What are you going to eat
Paisley: can you leave me alone for 5 minutes

Eshaal: I’m busy now
Eshaal: I ate glass by accident
Vaughn: you what
Eshaal: please leave me alone
Eshaal: I ate glass

Midge: broooo
Midge: I was looking for my phone with the flash of my phone
Howie: wtf 😭
Howie: where was it?

Drew: Why was I born
Felix: to like subscribe and hit that bell

Drew: RIP MOM AND DAD I know y’all looking up at me right now
Sid: UP???

Ransom: no cap I think women deserve equal rights
Hammy: you snapped with this one bro
Ransom: aye it was just in my head

Abel: about to go fighting I’ll post the video later!!
Abel, a few hours later: i got my ass beat bruh I’m not posting that

Beck: Hey, everyone come to class tomorrow so we can start our assignment.
Beck, hours later: What topic are we doing?
Beck, hours later: Do you guys want me dead? Be honest

Jean: What do you know about show business, Mr. Dugan?
Ted: Only that there's no business like it–no business I know.

Klaus: Has anyone told you how handsome you are today?
Algernon: No.
Klaus: Hmm. Better luck tomorrow.

Vince: You’re really cute
Talia: Thanks.
Vince: What do you like?
Talia: Murder.

Oleander: Rest in peace, father–I know you're looking up at me right now
Marya: Up?!

Joel: About to have a boxing match; I’ll post the video later
Joel, a few hours later: I got my ass beat; I’m not posting that.

Harper: So what’s your diagnosis? Like, what mental illness do you have?
Beck: There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m normal
Harper:…right….

(it just deleted like a half hour of searching for quotes. twice 😭 a moment of silence for all the quotes i gave up on remembering)

Jacques: Rest in peace, mother. I know you're smiling up at me right now.
Quill: …Up?

Elliot: Hey, everyone come to class tomorrow so we can start our assignment.
Elliot, hours later: What topic are we doing?
Elliot, several more hours later: Do you guys want me dead? Be honest.

Carole: Hi, is this Cyrus Hecate?
Cyrus: Yeah, who is this?
Claire: This is Claire from the gas station. I got your number from Anthony.
Cyrus: Well, alright, shoot your shot.
Claire: I’m not flirting with you. We have you on video stealing the slushee machines.

Felix: Do you mind if I slyly sneak into the conversation that you’re single?
Anthony: Do not do that.
Felix: Don’t worry, you won’t even notice I’ve mentioned it!
Dally, walking in: Hey, Felix. Hey, Detective.
Felix: Heya, Dally! D’you know that Ant here’s single?
Anthony:

Anthony, to Dally: So what if I love you. Shut up.

Quill: This field trip’s boring as hell.
Anthony: This isn’t a field trip. We’re going to the grocery store.
Quill: Why’d you invite me along, then?
Anthony: I didn’t. I said, ‘Quill, stay put’ and you said, ‘I’ll do what I want’ and followed me here.

Ophelia, planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Quill: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake-
Ophelia, under her breath: Do not say Jortles.
Quill: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department.

Felix: So what’s your diagnosis? Like, what mental illness do you have?
Anthony: There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m normal.
Felix: …Right.

Anthony: [Coughs up blood]
Felix: Don’t die, Detective.
Anthony: Don’t tell me what to do.

Quill, after making Anthony help her get a library card: At last, unlimited knowledge! Now I know what true power feels like!
Anthony: Kid, just thank the librarian and take the card.

Everett: Rest in peace, mother. I know you're smiling up at me right now.
Jane: …Up?

Vittoria, to J.B.: So what if I love you. Shut up.

Addie, planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Kay: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake-
Addie, under her breath: Do not say Jortles.
Kay: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department.

Ted: Coughs up blood
Jean: Don’t die, detective.
Ted: Don’t tell me what to do.

Eloise, getting a library card: At last, unlimited knowledge! Now I know what true power feels like!
Beck: Kid, just thank the librarian and take the card.

Ira: Made a map of all possible hiding places for the White Rabbits.
Joey: This is just a map of the city.
Ira: Yes. I have no idea where they are.

Launce: You're blocking the view.
Algernon: I am the view.

Elaine: I have feelings for you.
Jay: You do?
Elaine: Yes. I feel you're a little annoying.

Augusta, to Richard: Are you a writer? You have such an interesting vocabulary.
Jonny, from across the room: No, he's just pretentious.

Augusta: Bob pissed me off today so I told him that I can't wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.
Augusta: There is nothing special about tomorrow, but there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over.

Maisy: Wanna play 20 questions?
Cameron Alexis: Sure.
Maisy: Okay, you go first.
Cameron Alexis: What’s your favorite color?
Maisy: Triangle. My turn, d'you like girls?

Richard: Can I be frank with you guys?
Jonny: Sure, but I’m not sure how changing your name will help.
Molly: Can I still be Molly?
Jonny: Shh, let Frank speak.

Molly: Are you going to help, or are you too pretty?
Augusta: I’m too pretty.

Augusta: Sometimes I think I'm better than everyone else, and then I remember I am.

Richard: Damn, I fucked up again.
Molly, nararating: He said, with surprise in his voice for whatever reason.

Jonny, depressed after getting another show rejected: My only talent is breathing.
Richard: Wrong. You have asthma.

Bob: Can you tell me why you're late to the meeting?
Jonny: Someone told me to go to hell. At first, I couldn't find it.
Jonny: But now I'm here.

Jonny: Where's my fucking script?
Eliza Marie: Jonny, there are children present. Use proper language.
Jonny: May I ascertain the current whereabouts of my fucking script?

Cady: I've heard that your composer has…a challenging personality.
Jonny: Oh, definitely! He's mostly a brat, but every once in a while, he can be a real bitch.
Richard: I'm sitting right here.

Richard: Jonny, did you sleep okay?
Jonny: No, but I drank four cups of coffee so I think I can do this.

Augusta: Get on my level.
Molly: Unfortunately, to get on your level I'd need a pair of cinder block shoes and a boatride to the Marianas Trench.
Augusta:…….holy shit.

Augusta: Oh, I never brag.
Molly: You once called your face "proof of God's existence."

Richard: We're going out in public. I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Jonny: Yeah, listen to our composer!
Richard: I was talking to you.

Eliza Marie: Guys! if you were a fruit what would you be? I'd be a strawberry!
Augusta: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.
Eliza Marie:…
Eliza Marie: Very expressive! Anyone else?

Molly, barging into the room: Hey, I need to ask you something-
Lucille, lying awkwardly on her bed, flustered: Uh, yeah, what's up?
Molly:
Molly: Is Jonny under the bed?
Jonny, muffled: No.

Richard, to Molly and Jonny: Your awkwardness bonds you for life.

Augusta: They call me coffee ‘cause I grind so fine.
Eliza Marie: Oh my God.
Richard: They call me coffee because I keep you up past 2 am.
Eliza Marie: Ew, stop.
Molly: They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and people don’t like me without changing some aspect of who I am.
Eliza Marie: …Oh.

Richard: Accept your flaws, you'll feel better. It worked for me.
Molly: You accepted your flaws?
Richard: No, I accepted yours.

Elaine: We need a plan. How long can you hold your breath?
Oona: I don't know, a minute?
Elaine: Not long enough. Jay, are you familiar with the technique "slam and cram"?
Jay: No, and I don't think I want to be.
Elaine:…Venka, how attached are you to your pinky?
Venka: Very much attached, and for the record, I will not be going through with any plan with any vaguely terrifying question.

Richard: Are you decent?
Augusta: Morally? No.
Richard: I meant if you were clothed.
Augusta: Oh. Also no.

Lucille: Excuse me, sir, have you ever been arrested?
Jonny: Yeah.
Lucille: I was going to say “because it’s illegal to be that cute” but now I’m curious.
Jonny: I punched a guy to keep him from breaking a picket line.

Bob: Listen, Jonny, we did your show-
Jonny: No, you didn't!
Bob: We did it in my head and it was a flop.

Richard: Molly? You’re still awake?
Molly: It’s not that late.
Richard: It’s 2 AM! What time do you usually go to bed?
Molly: 5 AM.
Richard: You wake up at 7 AM!
Molly:
Molly 5 AM.

Augusta, doing makeup: Some people say "don’t make the wings too big"
Augusta: I like to make my wings big enough that one day, hopefully, I’ll be able to fly away from all my problems.

Ruthie: Here’s a concept. Me, eating strawberries and peaches on a hillside where I am far from everything I know.

Richard: You look stressed
Jonny: Yeah, it’s the stress

Lucille: It’s bad for you to eat after 9 pm
Molly, eating cereal at 3 am: Thank God that time's an illusion

Eliza Marie: Honey bun?
Richard: Yes?
Eliza Marie, blushing: I meant, would you like one?
Richard: Oh. Yeah, sure. Sugar?
Eliza Marie: Yes?
Richard, also blushing: I was just asking if you wanted sugar in your coffee.
Eliza Marie, flustered: Oh! Yeah. Sure.
Both: Completely flustered
Jonny, from a distance: Even I’m getting embarrassed from watching them.
Molly: I know what you mean.

Molly: Staring up at the stars
Richard: What are you doing?
Molly: Naming the stars after people I love.
Richard: Ha. Do I get a star?
Molly: You get the sun.

Elaine: I have this urge to do something stupid.
Jay: I can be stupid. Do me.
Elaine:
Vassa:
Venka:
Jay: Did I say that out loud?

Molly: You literally love everyone.
Eliza Marie: That's because everyone is worth loving.

Bob: You ever want to pitch a show again, my door is always open
Jonny: Well, you should close it, lest you get moths. Good day.

Lucille: I don’t hear anything.
Jonny: What’s the matter with that?
Lucille: Four children living in this house and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that. I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Richard: Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free.
Jonny: I think you're arrogant and snobby, a terrible co-writer, really. You also have a God complex and don't think of anyone but yourself. You're a horrible husband to Eliza Marie.
Richard: But-
Jonny: Wait, I still have 22 seconds and I'm not done.

Ruthie: Wow, I need a drink.
Ruthie: Pours apple juice into a shot glass

Lucille: Where's the yogurt? I thought you went to the store
Jonny: Mumbles
Lucille: What?
Jonny: I couldn't reach it; it was on the top shelf!

Jonny: Alright, what time does the Judgmental Express get here at?
Richard: Mr. Robertson gets here at noon

Richard: This was almost a great idea
Bob: Look at that, kid! You just described 90% of your stuff.

Molly: You can't expose me, I overshare my entire life.

Molly: So today it snowed for the first time this year and I've naturally been drunk all day and didn't know so I went to take out the garbage in bare feet and stepped in an inch of snow and I just yelled "what the FUCK" and I just heard Richard from somewhere go "oh my God she's outside"

Jonny, on the phone: Hi
Richard: I'm busy, let's talk later.
Jonny: Is drinking 16 cups of coffee to stay awake bad for my health?
Richard: I'm on my way.

Eliza Marie: Thanks to Jonny, Ricky has now taken up cursing.
Eliza Marie: Yesterday, he referred to bed time as a "fucking crisis."

Eliza Marie: Has anyone in your life ever told you they love you?
Richard: Does my father count?
Eliza Marie: Yes.
Richard: No.

Eliza Marie: So is this thing between Richard and Molly supposed to be a secret?
Jonny: Hardly. The only person who doesn't know Molly loves Richard is Richard.

Molly: Why are you in a sheet?
Lucille: I, uh…don't have any clothes…
Molly, opening Lucille's closet: That's ridiculous, you have plenty of clothes here. Like this shirt, these pants, this dress, oh, hey Jonny, and this cool sweater! Ooh, and here's a cape!

Molly: You're a manipulator
Augusta: I like to think of myself as an outcome engineer

Augusta: I'm feeling a little judged again.
Molly: It's probably because I'm judging you.

Lucille, about Jonny: There's a fine line between eccentric and obnoxious, and my husband like to use it as a jump rope.

Jonny: Money does not buy happiness.
Augusta: You're probably just spending it wrong. Give it to me and I'll show you how it's done.

Molly: How much is the rent for this fantastic apartment?
Stock Boy: Miss, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store…

Lucille: Never have I ever had a crush on Richard Whitman
Richard: What?
Eliza Marie: Slams back shot proudly
Molly: Rolls eyes and downs drink neatly
Augusta: Daintily takes a sip while staring directly at Eliza Marie, Richard's current wife
Jonny: Turns bright red and throws back drink like no one will notice if he does it quickly enough
Richard: WHAT?

Lucille: What do your parents think of your career choices?
Jonny: They don't have a plan, they just hate mine!

Dalya: If the plan goes wrong, where should we regroup?
Venka: The afterlife, I guess.

Richard: You know that can kill you right?
Molly, drinking bourbon straight from the bottle: Uh, yeah. That's the point.
Jonny, smoking a cigarette: We're trying to speed this up.
Eliza Marie, eating raw cookie dough: Nodding

Jonny: Could you at least smile? It'll make me less nervous.
Molly: Awkward forced smile
Jonny: Okay, that did not help.

Eliza Marie: How do you sleep knowing that there can be people out there who don't like you?
Augusta: With no underwear, in case they want to kiss my ass.

Richard: I didn’t ask for the attitude.
Molly: I know. It’s on the house.

Jonny: Ugh, I can’t believe I lost my glasses!
Molly, staring at Jonny's glasses on his head: I’ll help you find them for 20 bucks

Eliza Marie: I got you a mood ring so I know when you need a hug.
Lucille, about to start sobbing: They change depending on heat signatures but thank you-

Lucille: Where have you been?
Jonny, returning from pitching a show to Bob: Emotional hell.

Richard: Jonny, what does this say?
Jonny: No idea.
Richard: But it's your writing!

Eliza Marie: I’m not too nice!
Richard: Eliza, you apologized–
Eliza Marie: I have manners!
Richard: –to the waiter who spilled soup on your lap…

At a New Years party
Molly, to the gang: I would like to offer a toast
Molly, raising her glass: I cannot believe we have already gone through another 12 months of absolute fuckery
Molly: Cheers!

Jonny: “Back on my bullshit”? Ha! I never got off of it!

Richard: You may not know this, Molly, but I am a flawed person-
Molly: I do know that.

Richard, on the phone with someone: Is it okay if I bring my weird roommate?
Jonny: Would you please stop calling me that?
Jonny, grabbing the phone: I'm his lyricist.

Jonny: You’re from New York?
Ted: Yes, that’s where I was born.
Jonny: You don’t act like you're from New York.
Ted: Just wait til you see me in traffic.

Molly: I'm what the Victorians would call a "vile, ill-tempered and thoroughly wretched little creature."

Eliza Marie: This is so cool! When can I meet the rest of your friends?
Richard: Uh. Heads up, the rest of my friends are….
Richard: I'm trying to find the right words to prepare you and all I can come up with is 'a dumpster fire'.

Molly: I'm having salad for dinner
Molly: Well, fruit salad
Molly: Actually, it's mostly grapes
Molly: Okay, it's all grapes
Molly: Fermented grapes
Molly:
Molly: It's wine
Molly: I'm having wine for dinner

Gia, texting: Babs, there's a big ass spider outside the bathroom door. Can you come get rid of it?
Gia: Please, I've been trying to leave the bathroom for 45 minutes.
Gia: Babs?
Gia: BABS?!?!
Babs, texting: Barbra is dead, and you're next. Love, Spider :)

Molly: Wow, my outfit looks great
Augusta: Yeah, it's really good
Molly: I like yours too
Augusta: Yeah, mine is better, I lied about yours being good.

Lucille: You missed dinner, where were you?
Jonny: In a holding cell.

Jonny: I may be short but you're still beneath me.

Jonny: You ever wonder if you’re the bad guy in somebody else’s story?
Richard: I'm the bad guy in my own story.

Richard, before the show's premiere: Are you nervous?
Jonny: Yes.
Augusta: Is this your first time?
Jonny: No, I've been nervous before.

Lucille: Did you know that atoms never touch each other? And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question, sir, my husband did not punch that cop.

Molly, after meeting Richard and Jonny: I’ve only known these guys for three hours, but if anything happened to them, I’d kill everyone in this apartment complex and then myself.

Annie: To all the people saying they want to "rail" me…
Annie: I’m not a train. I can’t do that.

Eliza Marie: You think kindness doesn’t exist, you pathetic nihilist? How about you go look into the big beautiful eyes of a cow? What do you think now, jackass?

Jonny: Actually, I got my license two years ago.
Richard: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Jonny: I like being chauffeured around.
Jonny: It makes me feel important.

Augusta: Hey Richard, feel my dress.
Augusta: You know what material is that?
Richard: Silk?
Augusta: It's wife material.
Jonny: No, I'm pretty sure that's silk.

Elaine: I've been dropping subtle hints that I like him.
Elaine: Walks over to Jay
Elaine: I can't stand you.

Jonny: Why do people think that humans are the peak of evolution?
Jonny: Bears get to eat berries and salmon all the time and sleep for half the year.
Jonny: How is that not so much more advanced than working every day until you die?

Jonny: Hello, nice to meet you! This is my ex-girlfriend, Lucille.
Lucille: You have got to stop introducing me like that.
Lucille: I'm his wife.

Eliza Marie: If all your friends jumped off a bridge, wou-
Molly: Probably

Richard: Jonny doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't even have a day plan. I once found a note he wrote to himself that said "Put on pants" followed by a question mark.

Eliza Marie: Richard.
Richard: Oh no, 'Richard' in a B flat. You're disappointed.

Eliza Marie, trying to think of a conversation topic: Sooooo, what do you do for a living?
Richard: Slowly looks up from his piano

Lucille: Get up! It's morning! The sun is out!
Molly: What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesize?

Louis: If I ever die in battle, please know that my dying wish is for my corpse to be catapulted at high speed directly into King Phillip's bedroom at 3am.

Barry: Be still, my beating meat
Tobias: Do you ever think before you speak?
Barry: Do I ever what before I what now?

Richard: Jonny has an insanely strong opinion on everything. Go on. Ask him something no one should have an opinion on.
Molly: What’s the worst multiple of 3?
Jonny: Obviously it's 27. How do you not realize that?

Liesl: Did you just sign a legal document with a gold glitter pen?
Algernon: Yes, it's pretty. Fuck off.

Barry: What if the person who thought of the word “umbrella” meant to call it a “brella” but was under a lot of pressure?
Tobias: Please consult your three brain cells before coming to me with an “important question” ever again.